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unassumingPeach6421
10 76,884 M Big Steps 8
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts8,132 Forum posts279 Forum upvotes379 Current upvotes379 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceMay 16, 2021
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An irritating thing
Journals & Diaries / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 February 7th, 2025
...See more This is something I wrote today, I'm trying to improve my writing, if you read it, let me know your thoughts. This is the first draft unedited, the grammar is sh-t if I use this writing for something I'll put it through grammarly.   Fun fact, if it can be categorized as fun, at age 19 I would have told you I had never been mad. And that would be a true statement. I felt happy, peaceful, sad, pensive, jealousy, shame, self-loathing, confusion, depression and anxiety. I guess I sort of felt repulsed at times (but barely). Almost all other emotions not listed I barely felt. I especially never got mad. My anger was always reasoned into forgiveness, problem solving or just avoiding the feeling like the plague with delusional positivity. I tried to explain this by logic. I had heard that people with low self-esteem and people who thought they deserved less never got mad, maybe that was me. Turns out, that idea was wrong. I just had autism and interoception issues and yes, I still have no idea how to spell that word that relates to my ability to recognize my feelings. Life is all about perspective. If something you deal with has been with you your whole life and you haven't realized it and no one else has realized it, how could it be real? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? How would we know? I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what, I was a complete enigma to myself. That's how I felt until I rediscovered my childhood regulating system, stimming. Stimming is an autistic thing that can serve more functions than I know. The thing that most psychological professionals know is that it helps calm people down. Honestly the things I'm talking about with stimming were years in the making. I've been doing it for 3 years and I'm still working out the kinks. For me, stimming connects me to my feelings. It enhances my desires for food, creative outlets, or my drive for just about anything. I also get moody. This has been a more recent development. I've been praising a god I don't believe in because I finally feel something. To know when I cry my cheeks feel hot and my tears feel warm when they roll down my face. I know that the muscles and tissues extending from my palm feel like little flesh pillows and when I move my leg and stretch, I can feel my muscles move back and forth. When I'm thirsty my throat feels dry. Before stimming I knew I had to drink water if my head hurt, I felt weak or I felt like all my organs were dying, so a bit of an improvement. Better connections with my emotions have been astronomical. I am someone driven by emotions. I ran on anxiety for 20 years. It was equally destructive and productive. When my therapist told me to get rid of my anxiety, I was lost. I felt like I had nothing. And I still do. I envy my younger self. She beat the odds, defied expectations and went through some hard *** and she always fought to the end. Looking at me now, sometimes I stay in bed til noon. I think about starting my day and I decide, maybe not. Sometimes I wonder if losing my stress destroyed me. My stimming is spinning in circles. When I do that, I get nauseous. In rare occasions I throw up and I don't want to do that. Anxious me would've done it. Anxious me has been through so much worse. My problems now are child's play compared to anxious me and I have to be honest about the situation. Anxious me didn't have a problem with all the hard sh-t because one, she was used to it, and two, she couldn't feel sh-t. Sure, I had worse issues. But at the time I felt less. I was a zombie. As hard as it was, I was exactly who I needed to be. I was a young teenager not meeting the necessary development marks as my peers on time. I knew what this meant because I've been figuring how to navigate the school system all my life. Teachers would want to relocate me to a special ed class, I'd get shocked looks and messages from teachers surprised I'd gotten this far, and so many sit downs with concerned teachers trying to figure me out. They'd ask, "what's it like at home?" "are you getting enough sleep" "do you have friends in school?". And I thought, great, not only do I have to keep up with a very heavy workload where I won't be appreciated, I now have to meet this psychological checklist to prove that I'm ok during my next intervention. But I did it. I went out on weekends even when I hated it. I accepted invitations I would have rather declined and hyped myself up for hours before going. Sometimes I chose socially acceptable activities that I felt nothing for, just to have something to talk about the next time I tried to reach out to a friend. It was a shame, siting in contemplative silence, journaling and imagining characters for stories in my head weren't socially acceptable answers to the "what did you do this weekend?" Yes, it was miserable, but most of the time I couldn't tell I was miserable, because I couldn't feel the full misery. I'm not saying anxious me had it easy, I wouldn't want to her right now. But she had a drive, she was insane with insane beliefs about herself and her life and delusional enough to think she could do anything. More than that, she would sacrifice anything in the pursuit of her goals. It was a decent short-term model, but awful when looking at life from a wide lens. Because there's so much more to life that you miss when you're desperately fixed to completing goals. I know that not using stress is for the best. I’m a genuine person now that never pretends for others like anxious me did. I sort of miss the drive and surge of energy that comes from stress. Stress helps us grow and become people we never thought we could possibly become. I’ve used stress almost all my life and the growth that I’ve seen in myself is so large, it’s hard to process. When I think about not using stress anymore, I feel like it was all a waste. I’ve been working toward this healthy sustainable model of being with people, taking care of myself, helping others, and still accomplishing my goals. A lot of it depends on waking up and getting in that swivel chair. It’s crazy to me that it’s come down to this. Because there are so many things I haven’t felt that I want to make up for now. I want to spend way more time cooking and eating or sleeping in or trying on clothes and taking long showers. I have been trying to work towards functional model for myself that does not revolve around stress, and it’s so frustrating because I have everything I need to succeed and I act like I have all the time in the world to figure this out, and yet somehow I am just becoming this whiny brat. It's like I’m trying to reason with this ungrateful child. I’m reminding myself I gave everything up for this new way to function and the response is, I don’t wan my stomach to hurt. And I get that my feelings are worse now. It’s been fun getting to feel more. There are loads of benefits. When I was getting used to all of this and I felt something bad I didn’t think much of it I was just grateful to feel at all. I guess it’s finally sunk in that this is my new existence. It makes me oddly nostalgic for my old life, like Stockholm syndrome. I remember how efficient it was. I would remember how I could effectively suppress feelings and perfectly decide when I wanted to feel them. That’s how our brain works though, we change our memories of events each time we recall them and we always have to look deeper to find the truth. Because anxious me never had problems until they had a breakdown. They would completely fall apart, and I wouldn’t even realize they were unraveling until it happened. I remember it being scared, frustrated, and at my whit’s end. It wasn’t easy. My mind keeps trying to convince me that not having emotions is some genius life hack. I don’t understand my brain. My best guess is that, everyone is a creature of habit. For 20 years I had an unstable way of living and even though I crave stability, a part of me wants to go back to only feeling everything intensely all at once or nothing at all. I have been working on a better option. I have one. I know if I just follow these routine things will be better, but I’m used to feeling intensely and miserable. It’s crazy to think that I’m scared to be happy because I’m not used to making decisions for myself. Additionally, my emotions have always been hard to pin down, now that I can I have a clear path and adding intensity is a choice not a given. I have no excuse. If I sat down and did nothing for days that would be my fault. Anxious me had almost no real connection with her own body she wore herself out to the point where she couldn’t get out of bed for days (and I can’t blame her). I have so much control and freedom now. It’s a gift. When I got the hang of stimming, I tried to promise to myself I wouldn’t take it for granted. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel more than I expected. After stimming I’m not just happy to feel something, sometimes I’m just moody. I feel bored or like I don’t want to work. I would be working towards all these amazing goals I’ve been dreaming about for years but, eh I just don’t want to. Anxious me put their soul into their work. They would have sold organs to get what they wanted and made deals with the devil. New me doesn’t want to leave their warm bed or have an upset stomach for a couple minutes. Needless to say, this has been irritating me. 
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Mentally ill people & people with learning disabilities. When did you realize you were "different"?
Disability Support / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 December 2nd, 2024
...See more I wanted to post this thread because I saw a reddit thread with this title and I was reading what people had to say. A lot of it was really powerful stuff. A lot of discouraged people, confused and unsure of how to grow up in a world that feels so unfamiliar and even unwelcoming to them. I have to admit I fell into this category and it felt healing to hear the extremes. I always said I was a dramatic child but I believe I was minimizing my story. I can't think of anything I hate more than people who pity me. Too often I try to be an activist and I'm met with condescending "it's okay honey" or "poor dear." But I don't hold grudges about people who were never taught how to understand someone like me. I find that to be the most ironic thing. People with mental disabilities for hundreds of years were labeled ignorant. But I believe the real ignorance is all the people that never tried to understand them. The real ignorance is misinformation. I also have fallen prey to one upping others. Like "you have 3 disorders? I have 4!" I don't want that. I wanted to list my disorders here because they are going to follow me for the rest of my life and sometimes I just need to share all these crazy things on my mind so I can feel lighter. My disabilities make me human and I refuse to hide the most human parts of myself (even with all the jerks out there).  I have: A specific reading disorder Alexythimia  Interroception Issues Autism Low memory IQ Sensory Processing Disorder ADHD Combined Type Expressive Language Disorder Auditory Processing Disorder Minor Dyspraxia Seasonal Depression Anxiety I'm not perfect and even if I had no diagnosis that statement wouldn't change. I've been through after school programs, failing classes interventions, IEPs, hours of tutoring, sleepless nights, accusations and interrogations. I've felt isolated from people with my disabilities, I've felt alone surrounded by able bodied people, I've come in dead last many times, and embarrassed myself more times than I could count. It hasn't been easy. I've felt less deserving in my relationships. Buzzfeed said I was a creative that lacked confidence and they were right. I've been told I had a confidence issue by everyone that cared.  I didn't make it this far to only make it this far. Even now that I'm coming undone by all my poor choices and executive dysfunction tearing at my seams. I wouldn't say this is incredibly uplifting I just want to say that I see me. And for anyone else struggling with their mind I see you too. You've come further than most people can even imagine. It's beautiful to accomplish even small things regardless of however much help it took to get there. I don't care as much what people think of me and it makes it easier for me to love myself but sometimes I like going back and remembering the past to realize how far I've come. All I've experienced gained and lost. Somehow I'm still grateful to keep living.  A YouTuber I like said, "stop trying to make it easy some things are going to be hard depending on your circumstance it might be harder than other people’s circumstances. If you wait for everything to be easy first you’re most likely not going to do anything. Do hard things because you can." I am trying to do all this work that I put off and I came on here because I had my doubts. I also went to the reddit thread because I was wondering, is it this hard for anyone else? And the answer was yes. Their stories are so close to my own. But I didn't seek out people like me to reason my problems away, I found this information to give me strength. Yeah this is all hard, I get it. But it's my life I can't give up on it. 
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Support group for family trauma and abuse
Trauma Support / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 August 4th, 2024
...See more Hello, I tried to talk to an anonymous person about abuse online. I couldn't find a chat for family abuse, so I waited to speak to someone at a domestic abuse hotline. They said they weren't trained in family abuse. Then I decided I might journal. I look for a journal and all I see are journals for domestic abuse, not family abuse. I am in full support of the domestic abuse advocacy and support. I completely understand relationships can be so messy. That being said, I really want a support group for family, so why not here? I recently figured out I had childhood and present trauma directly from my family and I don't know how to heal yet, but I can begin to understand myself better. Understanding that I've been through abuse validated me, it gave me peace and understanding. It also gave me guilt like, no one will believe me, maybe it's all in my head? What if everything is my fault? What if I am the problem? And I have to say, that is the trauma speaking. But enough about me, if you can relate, want to add your thoughts, opinions, or share you stories please join! Please share, let us help and validate each other and try to give each other the healing we might really need. <<I am not a trained professional nor is a trained professional a part of this, yet>> If any qualified person wants to join our chat, please do! That's enough for now, I look forward to checking back in if you experience family abuse and want to share, welcome to the group!
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Autistic Regression
Autism Support / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 August 5th, 2024
...See more The summer's almost over, the nightmare will be over soon. I know I'm not lazy, but if I want to avoid this nightmare again, I need to work harder and smarter. I need to get my butt to work. Anyways, I came home this summer. Sometimes it feels like everyone expects me to be down, stupid, and unsuccessful. I embrace that identity a bit at home because nothing seems to change, and here's why. After a month at home I always experience an autistic regression. With the stress and the panic I just can't take it anymore. My family and I don't see eye to eye. The worst is when they insult me. I knew coming home that they wouldn't respect me. They have an overwhelming to do list of social agenda's I don't know about until the 20 minutes before they start almost EVERY DAY that usually involve noise levels I find difficult to manage. Then there's the grandmother with dementia we all have to drop anything we're doing at any given moment to watch and she's a flight risk so I mean WATCH. I haven't been myself. I only have one functioning day in the week. The rest I'm stuck, can't move. I can't think sometimes I just don't think and god at some points I wanted to unalive myself. I didn't of course, I didn't really want to, but I sure thought about it. I just wanted the pain to go away. I asked for accommodations from my family and they told me what I was asking would require them to change too much of who they are. I guess to live at home I have to sacrifice who I am instead. I always feel like a shell of myself. 
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Princess Treatment
Poetry / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 June 17th, 2024
...See more I come in the room and you don’t look up, I ask you questions that you pretend not to hear, I sleep downstairs because you don’t like when I talk or touch the lights, you wake me up and ask for my help, then tell me I’m not helping and you do it yourself, when did you ask what I wanted? when did you think about my needs? where’s my crown? I deserve princess treatment yet you see me as a peasant, why? why do you speak so condescendingly towards me? did you really think you were the only royalty?
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Here
Poetry / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 May 28th, 2024
...See more I'm here I'm sorry I'm always late I'm here I'm sorry I went on without you I'm sorry I missed you and didn't tell you I'm sorry I spiral My apologies are turtles are all the way down I'm sorry I was lied to I'm sorry I wasn't strong I'm sorry I was wrong
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love
Poetry / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 May 28th, 2024
...See more I deserve love, love deserves me, we could be happy love and I I could be lifted only to fall I could lose love and feel like I lost it all, I could love her with all that I had I could miss her I could fear I'm not enough for her Fear she could do better Fear I don't deserve love because I've had far worse And thought that I'm worse than love ever could be I'm at the edge the chasm of the unknown I've seen everything I could without her I know she misses me It's good to be missed Because I miss her too
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Free
Poetry / by unassumingPeach6421
Last post
 June 15th, 2024
...See more I'm free again, new name new city and a single pen I'm free to dash and see the world never mind I'm just a girl It can be as dangerous as I thought I feel homesick with all these strangers I'm used to being the strangest one I was the moon among stars I have drawn more attention than I thought kind faces welcome me to town they love me without reason and I never knew how to show love how to feel it I was chained to a name, a place, the people who knew me, who loved me what if I'm trapped again?
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