April 24, 2015
Controlling our anger can be challenging, but anger is a normal healthy emotion which it’s important that we deal with in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can almost always take a toll on both your health and your relationships with those around you. We all deal with anger in different ways, although there are some ways we can learn to control our anger.
1. Think before you speak.
When you’re angry, it’s so easy to speak without thinking, resulting in saying something you’ll later regret. If you’re angry, it can be wise to take a few moments and deep breaths while you collect your thoughts before saying anything and to allow the others involved in the situation to do the same before you cause conflict.
2. Express your anger once you’ve calmed down.
When you’ve had a moment to gather your thoughts and you’re thinking clearly, you could try to express your frustration in an assertive and non-confrontational way, stating clearly your concerns and needs, also directly but ensuring that this won’t hurt others or try to control them.
3. Get some physical exercise.
Physical activity, as you probably all know can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry, so if you feel your anger building up or escalating – try going for a short brisk walk, run, or spending some time doing any other enjoyable physical activities such as a sport you do (if you’re a sporty person, etc.).
4. Take some time out from the situation
We never get too old to take some time out, time outs aren’t just for kids! You should try to often give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of time spent quietly on your own can often help you feel better and prepared to handle what’s ahead of you without getting too irritated or angry.
5. Identify possible solutions to the problem.
Instead of focusing on what made you mad or what’s really irritating you at the moment, work on resolving the issue. If your child’s messy room drives you crazy – close the door! If your partner being lade for dinner every night makes you mad – schedule meals later in the evening – or agree to eat on your own a couple of times a week. Always remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and may only make things worse. Anger often affects our relationships with other people.
6. Try to stay with ‘I’ statements.
To avoid criticizing or placing blame which will only increase tension and anger between others – try using “I” statements to describe tor problem, although remember to be respectful and specific – for example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes” instead of something more accusing, such as “you never do any housework.”
7. Don’t hold a grudge against anybody.
Forgiveness is powerful, if you allow your anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you could find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. If you feel you can forgive someone who has caused you to be angry, you could both learn from the situation, and it’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly how you want at all times.
8. Use humor to release tension.
Lightening up the situation can almost always help diffuse tension. You can use humour to help you face what’s making you angry and possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go – but remember to avoid sarcasm, which can hurt feelings and make things worse.
9. Practice relaxation skills.
When your temper flares up, put relaxation skills to work – practice deep breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “take it easy.” There are some iPhone apps which do this for you, though! You might also listen to music, write things down in a journal or do a few yoga poses – whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.
10. Know when to seek help.
Learning to control anger can be a challenge for everyone at times – consider seeking help for anger issues if you anger seems out of control and maybe causes you to do things you regret or things that hurt those around you.
I hope this article helps some of you with controlling anger and remember you can always come to 7 Cups of Tea or help.
Written By 7 Cups Listener, @exquisiteSnowflake88
April 13, 2015
Verbal abuse can harm the emotional health of the victim. If you think you may be a victim of verbal abuse, please take the necessary step to protect yourself. Verbal abuse may make you feel powerless. However, remember, it is possible to defend yourself from verbal abuse.
The most important thing to remember is that you have the full right to protect yourself if someone is abusing you, threatening you, or not allowing you to live the life you deserve.
Willingness: Once you recognize that you are being verbally and emotionally abused, you need to develop the willingness to change your situation and protect yourself. Remember, you are not doing anything wrong by protecting yourself. You are not doing anything wrong with your loved one; you are just defending yourself and that is your fundamental right.
Here are 12 Steps to Defend From Verbal Abuse:
1. Try to minimize your reaction to the abuse while in front of your abuser. Your reaction satisfies them and that is what they want. They want to intimidate you.
2. Do not get into their trap, do not surrender to them and give them more power to demean you by reacting or answering when they are abusing.
3. Remember, you shouldn’t have to listen to the abusive comments. Listening to abusers when they attack you can cause more damage to your mental health and self-esteem.
4. Do not try to prove you're right, this will give your abuser more reasons to prove you wrong. This could harm your self-esteem and might leave new scars on your mind.
5. Instead, let them know how your behavior makes you feel when they calm down and are ready to listen to you. Talk only if it is safe to talk and there isn’t any possibility of another attack by them.
Use sentences starting with ‘I’ like the sentences below,
“I feel hurt by your words.”
“I felt your remarks humiliating.”
“I felt discouraged by your frequent negative comments.”
6. Practice being assertive; do not react angrily. The assertion is the way to express anger positively and let the other person know how you feel, firmly and clearly.
7. Set boundaries. Let them know, what kind of behavior you will tolerate and what you would like to avoid in future. They might trick you in words suggesting that you are absolutely wrong. However, remember that if you feel hurt, you have the right to reject the behavior which is making you feel sad, hurt, or embarrassed. Nobody else has the right to control or manipulate you.
8. Physical abuse leaves injuries on the body while verbal abuse leaves scars on the mind. If you are facing emotional abuse since long time, it’s quite possible that you might have scars and pain about what happened. Work on healing them.
Walk away from the abuser if you feel fear of any physical threat.
9. Create a safety plan for yourself. What actions will you take to keep yourself safe?
10. Build support for yourself. Talk about abuse with your friends or with a 7 Cups listener. Supportive friends can help you heal your wound and having a supportive circle is great for your self-esteem.
The important thing to remember while seeking support from friends or neighbors is that, make sure, they are not manipulative or abusive.
11. If you feel that the abuse you are facing is hard to handle anymore and is turning threatening for you, seek professional help like counseling for yourself.
12. Get help! Connect with a licensed therapist or contact the available emergency services in your local community. Get support & help.
Remember we the 7 Cups of Tea team of listeners are with you, are here to support you, talk to us. Don’t suffer silently anymore. Speak Up!
Written By 7 Cups Listener, CaringSmiles20