Dating Sober: Finding Love After Giving Up Alcohol

Prior to getting sober, alcohol was my life partner. When I quit drinking, my life partner became anxiety. Lots and lots of anxiety. I started isolating myself in order to feel safe, and then I got depressed from being so isolated. When I tried to go out, I couldn't relate to anyone anymore, even people I had known for years.

In the 17+ years of my addiction, all of the romantic relationships I had experienced were intertwined with drinking and drug use. They were all unhealthy. All of them. I didn't care about myself, so I attracted people who didn't care about me either.

When I got sober, all the emotions I had pushed away for so long came flooding back like a sickening tidal wave. I harbored so much guilt because of how I had treated myself over the years. I believed that everything that had happened to me was my fault, including being raped twice in one night while passed out drunk in my friend's bedroom.

During the first year of my sobriety, I was a mess. Physically, I was 40 pounds overweight, plagued with inflammation and tired all the time. Mentally, I was beating myself up (or what I now call "emotional cutting"), to the point of ruminating for hours about how many lives I had ruined. The shame was overwhelming. Forgiving other people was easy. Forgiving myself was where I got stuck.

And then, through a series of magical events, I met my Twin Flame. In short, this person is your spiritual "one" and someone you've likely been connected to throughout many lifetimes. There were many parallels in our lives. He was sober for almost the same amount of time as I was, we both grew up in similar childhood situations, we were both Cancers (born one week apart) and we both loved heavy metal music.

He played guitar for three bands, he had long black hair and tattoos and he was beautiful. When I looked into his eyes, I saw my own soul. We fell in love instantly and within 8 hours of meeting each other, we were already saying "I love you" and talking about marriage.

Almost instantly, all of our deepest, darkest internal demons and shadows came out to play. I would snap at him anytime he tried to touch me and he would get so defensive that we could barely carry on a conversation. Our pain was running the show and we were mere onlookers, watching a speeding train as it headed toward a set of mangled tracks.

Navigating sobriety is one thing. But then add dating to the mix and it can be recipe for disaster. This is why in most sober circles they have you wait at least one year until you attempt to forge a romantic relationship. In the case of my Twin Flame and I, we decided to separate after one year together because mirroring each other's pain became too difficult.

After that, it took two years to regain my footing. I used that time to continue my self-healing journey. Here's what I learned, in one sentence:

The quality of love that you show yourself is the quality of love that the people you attract are going to show you.

How you show up for yourself is how others are going to show up for you. If you feel wounded and scared, you're going to attract other wounded and scared people. If you're empowered and self-loving, you're going to attract people who empower you, love you and hold you on high.

As I continued to do this deep emotional work, I was able to come out of my shell and start dating again. The experience, in general, has been positive and I've met a lot of great guys. The key is to set very clear intentions for what you're looking for. When you set clear intentions and you believe that you are valuable enough to have those parameters met, you will attract people who are aligned perfectly to your needs.

The best part about dating sober is that I'm learning to trust my authentic self and be her without apology. I've noticed that when I show up as my authentic self, it gives the men I'm dating permission to do the same. Doing this takes a lot of pressure off both parties and results in a more enjoyable dating experience. It takes work, but it's worth it!

So breathe deep, dear one. Take a look in the mirror and know that you are worthy of love. And if you aren't there yet, that's okay too. You're perfect and whole exactly the way you are. Right now, at this very moment.

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