YESTERDAY WAS MY LAST DAY
Yesterday I had a very bad day. I was so scared and overwhelmed that all I was doing was crying and saying “I love you” and “I’m sorry” to myself for being so rude and hard on myself, for hating myself so much. I felt completely hopeless and terrified, like I was at the absolute lowest point I had ever been.
But that wasn’t the end of my story, because I am here. Still fighting. Still enjoying my chocolates. 🥹
I didn’t know how to fix anything yesterday, so I stopped trying to solve everything at once. I decided to just have my dinner and sleep, even though I was scared of sleeping too. I was simply exhausted from crying all day. While having dinner and scrolling through reels to distract myself a little, somehow I passed through that horrible phase. I didn’t even realise when all my fear and restlessness vanished.
Then I wasn’t scared of sleeping anymore. I actually felt sure that I would wake up feeling more peaceful—and I did. Today, I’m genuinely glad about that.
But you know what hurts? I live with my whole family—my mom, dad, and little brother—and nobody even noticed that I was having such a rough day. I was crying so much, completely overwhelmed, and yet nobody came to check on me.
Maybe they just don’t care. Or maybe I’m just really good at hiding things. I don’t know.
Maybe I don’t even want to hide this much. I want them to know what I feel and how much I struggle. But whenever I see them, I just can’t say it. Maybe I’m scared they’ll get hurt, or maybe I think they won’t understand.
But seriously, is it really so difficult to notice that your own child is having such a rough day and has been crying alone for hours? I don’t think so. But maybe it is. Maybe that’s why they didn’t notice. Or maybe I’m just feeling like I don’t matter to them. I honestly don’t know.
My relationship with my mom was never easy. Never.
We are both sharp-tongued and short-tempered, and I hate how sweetly she acts with everyone except me. It hurts me so much, and it makes me angry. I try not to care. I try not to react. But sometimes I just can’t.
Now I’m getting angry again. Even small things she says can make me angry, and I become rude or loud, and then we end up arguing. For me, it is painful and overwhelming. But for my brothers, sometimes it feels like they’re watching a show—two ladies fighting, a “friendly drama.”
But it isn’t a drama to me.
There are years of feeling neglected by my own mother, years of wanting affection and love that I felt I wasn’t getting from her, years of sharp words that stayed in my heart. And all of that has built up inside me.
I know I say things when I’m extremely angry or overwhelmed that I don’t actually want. Yesterday made me realise just how much those words can scare me too. Beneath all that anger, there is still a part of me that desperately wants to live, wants more time, wants to experience more things, wants to stay with my family, eat more chocolates, laugh more, learn more, and see what my life becomes.
It’s not that my family doesn’t love me. They do. I know they do.
I just don’t understand why my relationship with my mom became so complicated and painful that it started affecting even my relationship with my elder brother, whom I loved and admired so much.
I just want to control my anger. I don’t want to fight or argue anymore. I don’t want every little thing to become another explosion.
But how long can a person keep ignoring their feelings and pretending they’re unaffected?
Eventually, everything starts overflowing.
And I think I’m at that point.
Still, I don’t want to fight. Even if ignoring something hurts me sometimes, I would rather learn how to handle my feelings than keep shouting and hurting the people around me.
So, can any of you help me learn how to control my anger and stop reacting to everything so intensely?
Yeah, but at least one thing I learned from yesterday:
I am stronger than I thought.
I went through one of the most frightening and overwhelming nights I’ve experienced, and somehow, I made it through.
Today I’m still here, still learning, still trying, still eating my chocolates.
And maybe that counts for something. 🤍
@Jyotik005
@Jyotik005 how is today?
@pinkCherry1616 it's really better than that day after that day I feel lil calm not like I don't get my anxiety waves again but still better and bearable .. and today I was mostly happy bcz I was talking to my frnds online and we had a fun time which I liked after a long time . Tommorow I am gonna see a therapist with my dad ... I am just lil uncomfortable bcz I don't want my dad to be there with me listen all the things so I will tell him to wait outside .. hoping it will go great 😇
@Jyotik005 This is great 😊. Let me just say that it might take time before a therapy can bring results. It’s good to see your positive attitude. Just don’t get discouraged if the first session is not all great.
Also, now, when you feel better, would you consider writing yourself a note about what to remember in case if such a bad day had returned? I think the you now is uniquely able to understand what it was really like and what helped. Maybe, it could protect your future self from hurting this much?
@pinkCherry1616 yeh I know it will take time but I want to get better so I will be patient and yeh I will remember what to do we such day came back and thank u mam 😇
@Jyotik005 I would really suggest writing it down and not counting that you will remember. Human mind likes to be selective about what it focuses on in a moment. Having an anchor in a form of reminder note can be good thing.
Will you let us know how did it go with the therapist?
@pinkCherry1616 I went to govt hospital of psychiatry in my area they didn't have therapist but psychiatrist so he prescribed me medicines and we had a session too and it was good though but I don't think he is enough to help me out so I decided to take online therapy along with medicine prescribed by him .. and I will start my therapy soon in few days
@Jyotik005 how do you feel?
@pinkCherry1616 I don't know ..
@Jyotik005
Hello Jyotik, I am sorry you are experiencing these tumultuous and confusing emotional phases and I completely understand where you difficulties my be stemming from.
I am currently reading a book entitled, "Calming the Emotional Storm" by and Author named Sheri van Dijk MSW. It concentrates on exactly what you are speaking about I believe. In one section, I believe pp82 and 83 it addresses the validity of the feelings you have in any given situation. It has some powerful advice to be able to control what I believe you are looking to control.
Quote;
"Calming the Emotional Storm ; Using Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills to Manage Your Emotions & Balance Your Life "
SHERI VAN DIJK, MSW
“Validating your emotions means that you accept them and have the ability to understand them; not that you like those emotions or want them to
hang around, but that you acknowledge their presence, and give yourself per-mission to feel them.
Think of your emotions as quicksand. The more you struggle, the harder you struggle, the more the emotions will suck you under; they will control you and will cause you to do and say things that you’ll regret later. So stop struggling. Lie back and accept that the emotions are there. This isn’t to say that you like that they’re there or that you’ll be passive and won’t keep trying to do something about your emotions—any more than someone who was stuck in quicksand would give up. On the contrary, if you were stuck in quicksand, you would keep yelling for help and looking around to see if you could reach a branch to pull yourself out. Similarly, with your emotions, you need to keep working on managing them more effectively, you need to ask for help, and you need to keep looking around for tools that will help you pull yourself out of that emotional state. But the key here is that you need to stop fighting those emotions and accept your situation. So, for example, you would say this to yourself:
“Anxiety is here right now. It’s uncomfortable. I don’t like it, but it is what it is.”
Validating your emotions will not make them go away—remember, DBT skills aren’t going to make your emotions disappear—but being able to validate yourself will prevent you from triggering extra painful emotions for yourself.”
Ref: Pp 82-83
I believe there is a freely available text somewhere on the net but I'm afraid I don't have the direct link, maybe this is something that can help in some way.
Namaste,
D.
@DireWolf62 thank u 😇
