no one's actually listening

tw, mentions of alcoholism and schizophrenic delusions

and its becoming too much. no matter how many people say they're here for me, no one listens. i can tell who tries, at least, but it doesnt work. and im starting to prefer people not listening, for the sole reason of not being the issue.

it doesn't matter what it is anymore. i warn people before i befriend them — dealing with me as a friend can go horribly wrong. i require a lot, and i never give back enough. i never try enough and im not a good person. but alas, people still stick with me. i used to appreciate it, since i find those i love to be the only thing that keeps me going through life. but ive realized they only hear, not listen to what i say. if i have an issue, no one will change to accommodate for me, no matter how small or big it is. if im struggling, the best my friends will do is tell me its okay to feel bad. ive gotten more love from strangers in my life, that ill never speak to again, than those i consider close to me.

its just been getting worse. i dont have motivation to do anything, and since no one can really force me to do things, i just exist. i dont go outside anymore, because i wanted to be with the person i love most. but he doesnt even want to be around me anymore. so i just exist, sometimes read, browse the internet, listen to music, deal with my issues in silence and sleep. im tired of it. i never wanted to become this way. no matter how bad things went, i pushed through, i didnt talk about it with people too much or passed it off as a joke. now i cant do that, and i feel like a failure because of it. i wish i had friends thatd just listen and be there. even if nothing can help. i wish someone cared enough to call when i feel awful, to tell me they love me and things will be fine. but i cant expect it anynore. i dont want to talk to any of my friends, my boyfriend, my family, i dont really want to do anything besides drinking all day and pretending i had a life i dreamed of and i didnt fail at happiness.

i think ill quit therapy. my therapist listens, but she cant help. i cant even talk about my most notorious issues, because i feel like a freak if i mention my schizophrenia for more than 5 minutes. i see and hear things no one else does, and no one will ever know anything more than that. because i won't say it anymore. no one listened when i did.

ive never felt this alone in my life.