love is sweet and all but apparently i'm scared of marriage and i don't like kids
i felt annoyed every time my nice was around, she couldn't be advised nicely. she only responded to us , to something/a topic that seemed interesting for her.
i believed this rooted from me being the youngest child, at a young age they liked me but as i grew up. i failed to met their expectations and i feel like a failure, i feel stupid. not only this, i had issues like anxiety and a little bit of depression.
how do i make peace with myself? thank you
@hopefulencounter love takes many forms, marriage and parenting are only two possible ways to experience it. You don't have to get married if it doesn't feel like a good thing for you. And having children is not mandatory at all, not even if you eventually decide to get married: I know that sometimes, "tradition" makes you feel like it's the only way, but the roadmap to happiness looks different for everyone. You're free to draw your own, without necessarily doing the same things as other people.
If you're experiencing issues like anxiety or depression, you can absolutely get support for it, and find your way to feel better, gind your own balance, maybe with the help of a therpist or other people that can support you. But you are not "broken", you don't need to be "fixed" and desire the same things that other people desire. It's ok. You should do what makes you feel happy, you're free to decide what's best for you.
@Aayla thank you so much. i really appreciate your kind words and encouragement :")
it means a lot to hear that it's okay to choose my own path and focus on what truly makes me happy. thank you for your support 💛
by the way, i can't get help for my mental health problems, that's why i'm here. my family always treat mental health problems as something small /unimportant. they said i'm just being dramatic about my feelings
@Aayla thank you 🧡
yes it's true they're dismissing it, yesterday i cried when i was alone 😔 suddenly so sad. thank you so much for hearing me out
It’s best to have a balance. Modern western “tradition” isn’t right either - telling people to be selfish and only prioritize their own direct happiness and ignore any sense of collective duty or responsibility, then we wonder why our bonds with family are weak and we don’t have purpose beyond a capitalist job.
It encourages people to ignore marriage and prioritize short term relationships, then we wonder why love is difficult these days and genders hate each other. It encourages people to dismiss having children and portrays them as a burden, then we wonder why when we get older people consider us a burden and throw us away in nursing homes.
The point is balance is best. The anxiety and sadness OP is experiencing can be better addressed with a balance between self-care and trying to surround herself with people who can better suit her needs, AND try to ask herself what needs she needs to fulfill for others that she currently isn’t. This is what creates healthier bonds and relationships, and in turn better mental health. A complete rejection of “traditional values” makes a person selfish and entitled, and too much the other way makes a person ignore their own needs.
@skob11 I hope I can figure it out one day 🤗thank you
@skob11 why do you immediately jump to the conclusion that it's either marriage and children or selfishness? People can experience community care, as well as love, friendship and other meaningful bonds without necessarily having to marry or become a parent. There is more than one way to form community. The insistence that altruism and love can only experienced in one way, the "traditional" one, is precisely the problem. People feel the need to confirm to something that doesn't fit them out of fear to be alone if they don't, and that's how you get unhappy relationships and disfunctional families. I was not encouraging OP to isolate themselves but rather to figure out what form of connection to people and community works best for her.
Do what suits you. You have your views and I have mine.
Personally I think the ultimate expression of conformity is the modern selfish tradition of “religion bad, marriage bad, be childfree, instead give your focus to a capitalist career-first mindset, be hedonistic, frame it as freedom and non-conformity despite the fact the majority of young society now thinks this way and conforms to it”.
If this is your worldview then you’re free to follow it. Personally I think it is counterproductive and is largely responsible for the mode eg mental health crisis. If you think otherwise then live as you see fit. I’d rather live by God’s objective solid guidelines than my own subjective biased shifting guidelines.
@skob11 once again, why do you call it selfish? I follow no religion and I'm not married. Yet I'm very active in my community through volunteering, I'm a teacher and I do my best to help nurture the future generations, I'm always there for my friends and they are there for me. Would you say this is a selfish and hedonistic lifestyle just because there is no spouse or child of my own in it?
Not marrying and not having children are options that were once largely unavailable to lots of people, now different options are being given and no one restrains people from following a more traditional lifestyle if so they wish. But since OP is expressing discomfort with the idea of marriage or parenting, I think letting them now there are more options is better than implying that other options are selfish and lead to unhappiness.
@Aayla
How do you mean "only two possible ways to experience" Love. What about friendships, what about dogs and cats? What about just being ?
@Aayla thank you so much for being here 💖💖😭🙏
Please dont be hard on yourself 🙂 love is not an easy emotion to understand. There are many forms of love and does not necessarily need to culminate in marriage.
It's alright to be afraid of making big commitments. There is nothing wrong with it.
Please feel free to chat with me if I can help you in any way.
Take care and keep smiling 😃
@healingSea6338 thank you 😔🧡
i ever fell in love but i never had the courage to confess, because other students were making fun of me like i was a loser
Nobody is ever a lover. We all follow our own different paths. Don't worry about people who mock you, it means you have something they dont 😊
@healingSea6338 i always feel like i'm a weirdo, i'm never one of the cool kids
when i told my family about me having anxiety, they said i'm being too drama about it. i told my sis i was feeling sad every day and she said "that's normal, i'm also stressed"
lately i feel like this sadness have become anger, i hit my palm to the ground/surface when i feel angry 🙁
It sounds like you're carrying a lot of pain from growing up feeling like you weren't enough. Please remember that your worth isn't defined by meeting other people's expectations. Be patient and kind to yourself—healing takes time. You deserve love and acceptance, including from yourself. 💙
@Jzjzzzzzzz right in the feels! thank you for being patient and understanding me, you're a good listener 😭
i'm still learning to forgive myself, the odd me 😣 can be so awkward
@hopefulencounter I'm here for you 💜
*hugs* 🐾💕
@fossilfellow thank you for being here for me, i really appreciate that :") *hugs*
@hopefulencounter ❤️❤️
@hopefulencounter
Well! This brings us to parenting!
Kids, they require so much affection and interestingly, authority. When we are small we really are clueless for the world, and it makes us need a wise, knowing 'mentor' to let us know what we are doing is not really 'okay'.
So Ill want an unconditional love when I am bumming around the house as a lively 5 years old, ask a lot of questions, try to bond with whomever. It makes a happy child!
Whenever we are shouted at for simple things, or ignored for periods, we geniuenly wonder why they are not looking at us. Our optimal go is a warm, understanding place where we can thrive. Unfortunately not everyone gets to see those places, especially if we are dealing with problems from really young ages.
As a kid, we learn a lot of things but this should never stop us from what "it should be like". For example, If my mother was shouting at me for using detergent too much, (which is very impactful because we just LOVE them) I should never feel like "its what moms do." or "I was bad". Not really! As a kid, I deserve a lot of love and unconditional nurturing. I was just curious, and I was needing a gentle reminder I should be careful with the bottle.
If we start to gradually understand that, a lot of kid-related anger can dissolve. Of course there are many aspects, but thats a one way to look at it :)
@HopefulandBright
Long story short, we all deserve a loving environment, either from a parent, a place or from ourselves. And we should never percieve it otherwise 🍥
@HopefulandBright I agree, I actually understand but maybe not completely, like some part of me is denying it. As a child I was praised as smart but as I was getting older, I got silent treatment and my parent never said sorry
not sure if it's their ego or what
now if I did something wrong, I felt like a dumb dumb. They'd say "Even something that easy, you can't do it right"
my older sister said it's fun to be the youngest, well but sometimes I wasn't heard. _. which I feel that leads me to being a quiet person that follow other people's opinion rather than telling my view when there's a group discussion
Be gracious with yourself. You are human. We all get annoyed with each other from time to time. How old is your niece? It may not be so much that you changed or became less "cool" but it is her changing. Social media has made society more distracted than ever before for adults and kids alike. Notice the things she talks about when she does engage in conversation. Keep those topics in mind when she comes for a visit. What makes you believe that you failed to meet your niece's expectations? What is making you chase your neice's approval and what makes her approval so important to you? If she is withdrawing or talking less does not translate or equal that she likes you less. She may have learned more things to occupy herself, she may be more introverted as she grows up, and more besides what you called yourself up above which you are being mean to yourself.
@creativePenguin5558 i'm oftenly being mean to myself. maybe i don't like my 3 years old niece because my sisters didn't like me being the youngest :'|
i have an emotionally unavailable dad, i lost my patience around kids. yes they're cute but i don't like them. or it's because i envy them for being so expressive and not being judged
I am so very sorry to hear that your sister's were very mean to you simply because you were the youngest. It sounds like maybe you are trying to protect your niece from the same hurts you experienced as a child. I too grew up with an emottionally unavailable dad. It took me a long time to accept that my dad is incapable of processing emotions. He has a personality disorder that makes this extra hard for him. I try to look for the ways he does show his love. Some of this may sound cheesy. My parents were divorced for 30 plus years before my mom passed. My dad still has our toothbrushes in one of the bathrooms at his house from when my brother and I were teenagers. He has pictures of us around his house. He loves to give huge amounts of gifts at birthdays, holidays, etc. Another one of his love languages. This was a 2 decade long healing process to learn that my dad being emotionally absent was not because he did not love me but he was incapable of expressing it in a way that I wish he would be capable of. Please do not put pressure on yourself. Healing looks different for each one of us. Being uncertain about wanting to get married or have children is okay. Both of those decisions are huge decisions that should not be walked into without great care and lots of thinking. Perfectly normal. Take your time!
@hopefulencounterhi
@convivialBalloon9488 hello
@hopefulencounter I totally get you. I had a friend who brought her younger sister to our classes, and i kind of showed a disapproval of children in general and i even told her that i am not good with kids while in fact i had a baby cousin, i was responsible for part of his upbringing when he was about 4 years old, i am surprised by the affection he has for me. What i mean to say is, there were moments in my life that i felt my father preferred other kids over me, maybe it could associated with my dislike of kids and marriage. Marriage and building a family are integrated so they both seem to depend on each other. Recently though, after fixing my issues, my past issues, kids don't seem that dislikeable, they can be tolerated especially imagine since they hold a part of you. You can try to think of it like this, if your kid was in your place, wouldn't you love them, wouldn't you try to be a better model for them than the people who hurt you, it can even fix whatever you have been through. So it is okay if you feel like ashamed or scared, we all have our problems. If you want to talk more, i am here. All the best. :)
@Dardora thank you, I relate with what you said. I don't like how my niece could jokingly advise me, like "You can't do that"
but when I gave her an advice, she didn't want to listen 😅 I think being ignored by a kid triggered something, I'm quiet but I don't like being ignored. When I was a kid, I got silent treatment. 😶🌫
@hopefulencounter
Hey Hopeful, how are you today? Not too bad I hope?
I'm going to start with a favourite little saying of mine;
"You can't live in the past and you can't predict the future, all you can do is be the best person you can be in THIS moment."
You can, in my opinion, begin the "self-peacemaking" process by accepting yourself for who you are. Don't colour yourself as others see you and KNOW that your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel them. They are yours, no others.
As for being "scared" of marriage and not "liking" children... well, whoever said that to you was speaking from their own thoughts, feelings and emotions, not yours my friend. You don't have to "own" what was said.
Namaste,
D.
@DireWolf62 thank you, i've been trying to live in this moment but then my mind multitask 😭😭
@hopefulencounter
Hey Hopeful, I know that feeling all too well. I have suffered it for a long time. It's not so much "multitasking" I think but a phenomenon called "waterfall thinking" when too many thoughts all crowd into your mind at once and create chaos - do you think that might be what you're feeling?
Namaste,
D.
@DireWolf62 yes i think that's what i experienced 😞 so many noisy thoughts
@hopefulencounter
You can love and be in a relationship with someone (even if that someone is yourself, don’t be embarrassed by that no matter what anyone says) without marrying them or having kids.
Does that bring you any peace? I hope so as you deserve it ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@akunknown yes your words really bring me peace and comfort, thanks a lot 🥺🙏💕