Miserable Stage of Change
Hi everyone,
I am in a stage of change. The stage I'm in right now is: Empty Shell.
I recently quit my biggest dopamine-producing, happiness-bringing coping mechanisms: maladaptive daydreaming. I used to obsessively fantasize while locked in my room since I was about five (I'm 20 now). I have literally hundreds of made-up characters in my brain, and hundreds of storylines they follow. Even though I did it in private and would be embarrassed to be caught, I never really thought there was anything terribly wrong with my behavior. That was until I noticed myself acting very oddly while in the middle of a daydream. I was actually acting out whatever my character was doing in the fantasy: smiling, laughing, crying, singing, frowning, talking, etc. I would do these things repetitively, rewinding to my favorite parts: so if my main fantasy was about something comedic, I would rewind over and over to the part where I was supposed to laugh...and I would laugh every time, on cue. I am not an actress in real life and all of my attempts at acting have been awful. So the fact that I was actually able to express genuine emotions suggests that I was in a TRANCE, able to unhinge my brain and go into another world to become whoever or whatever I wished.
My main issue with this is the fact that I know it's just something I do to cope with my feelings of inadequacy. All of my created characters have one thing in common: they are praised and envied, two things I outwardly deny wanting, but I actually want them very badly. All of my characters are someone I want to be. I rarely dream about myself, but when I do, it's always an enhanced version of myself...never who I actually am. That would be boring and unsatisfying. And the fact that I see my reality as boring and unsatisfying is why I'm trying to change.
I haven't daydreamed in my room in about a month. I feel like I literally live for nothing anymore. My daydreaming isn't just an addiction; my daydreaming is my entire identity. I have no identity or personality outside of daydreaming. My whole soul was in fantasy land, and I just cut fantasy land off cold-turkey. I am like a dead person now. Nothing is interesting. Nothing gives me life or enthusiasm. And oddly enough, in the last month, I have been having chest pain and panic attacks. I always felt that our heart beat was a subconscious sign of self-love and a desire to exist; no wonder I feel like my heart is failing me. My body is probably confused as to why its even functioning, seeing as the person it used to house has obviously died.
I have tried replacing my addiction with something else, but nothing satisfies me like daydreaming did. The only semi-interesting thing I do now is try to analyze my personality. But even that gets boring. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like killing myself, but at the same time, I don't know exactly what I'm living for. When I think about starting up daydreaming again, I just feel...dirty. Like I will feel guilty, and disappointed, because I know better now. There is no way I'll enjoy guilt-free daydreaming ever again. So I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
What does a woman with no identity do with herself?
Hi, Astoria;
I am so sorry to hear about the troubles you are having with this. You may not know this, but what you are experiencing is actually an incredibly common problem, believe it or not. While not necessarily daydreaming per se, the rise of the role playing video games have left millions of people in the exact same boat as you. They create fantasy characters of heroes and live their lives through the accomplishments of these characters, much like what you are experiencing.
When they do finally decide to give up their addiction, they feel the exact same way you described. The world is boring, pointless and like their entire identity was completely wrapped up in the characters they have no disavowed. While you don't have a video game addiction, you may actually feel it quite beneficial to check out some of the support sites for what to do after breaking a video game addiction because of the similarities involved in breaking away from a long-held fictional world.
In addition, there are a few things you can do to really help yourself right now:
1. Firstly, come to understand that your feeling of depression and emptiness is a normal reaction to this circumstance, but there won't be a quick fix. Depression can be incredibly self-perpetuating so the sooner you can start breaking the cycle, the better off you'll be. How you go about doing this is up to you; whether you choose to go to a doctor, seek medication, talk to someone, though diet and exercise, or whatever fits your lifestyle best.
2. It is also important to come to realize that you do have an identity. It may not be readily available to you at this moment because right now you are grieving over the loss of your fictional selves, but our identity is actually a collection of millions upon millions of neural connections that have been made over our lifetimes, and you've been creating your identity even through these fantasies without even realizing it. The thoughts and feelings of these fantasies have made an imprint on your brain in deciding who you are, your values, characteristics and the like. Right now, because you are still in the process of disconnecting those brain connections from the fictional to the real, you are going to have a hard time seeing those characteristics as part of you. It's all part of the healing process. The more time passes, the more disconnection between you and your fictional selves, the more those connections will start to develop in your own identity.
3. Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, this is a hard journey and a great undertaking. Don't go at it alone! Talk to someone. Join a support group, visit forums online, talk to a friend who has gone through similar experiences or just come here and chat. The absolute best thing a person in your situation can do when they've been trapped in their own mind so long is to break free of it whenever possible! Talking to people is a great way to get a break from the mind trap and it's also a great way to explore your own identity and come to see who you really are!
I'd love to chat with you more, so please feel free to message me anytime! We can set up a time to live chat or we can exchange messages back and forth if you'd feel more comfortable with that. No matter what you decide to do, make sure you put your mental health first and try to remember that you are an incredibly valuable person, even if your own brain is having trouble grasping that right now.
Be well, my friend!
