Everytime I get a new listener I have to type this over again, so I am typing it here first.

So, I am sort of a mess,

My name is David. I am 38 year old, although I feel quite older mentally and physically. On the physical side, I have a bad back and bad knee. I also have mild arthritis in a few joints. In regards to my back, I herniated a disc twice (once about nine years ago and then again in the same spot three years ago). This has pinched my sciatic nerve down my left leg to my foot. My foot has some mild, yet permanent nerve damage. In regards to my knee, I torn my meniscus and had to have surgery October 2014. After the surgery I had about eight weeks of physical therapy and was all better … up until this month in which it is acting up again.

I am a father of five children (all girls). Let me just say that it is my belief that people should be tested for patience before having children. It is the childs job to constantly test your patience. I am not as patient as I wish I could be. I must say that the more kids you have, the harder it it is. First you have one kid doing something bad, you tell them no, then no again, then they get a time-out, then another kid will do the same bad thing and you are like, what the heck, did you not hear me yell at your sister and see her get a time-out??? My wife says I am too rough with the kids. Perhaps I am. I have spanked my kids, although I get no pleasure from it. It gives me mixed emotions because I hate spanking, yet I would rather do that then them running in the road or playing with lighters or something that could really hurt/kill them. I have in the past raised my fist in anger, but never beat them.The funny thing is my wife does the same thing. Sometimes when I am feeling depressed I feel that they would be better off with other parents.

Speaking of feeling depressed, I should say that I am morbidly depressed, have high anxiety, but at least my hypertension (high blood pressure) is in remission. I take medicine for these things.I attempted suicide a while back. I was sent to the ER and to a psych ward. The doctors there said I was bipolar or unipolar. Unipolar makes more sense because I have absolutely no manic ever. I would die for some manic. In total, I have cut myself in an attempt to kill myself a total of five times. I have not tried to commit suicide for a while now, but those thoughts pop up every once in a while. I have started therapy, but have gotten too far with it yet. With my anxiety, I usually do not want to leave my bed. It is a real fight in the morning. My anxiety shows its face when there is two much noise, when I am getting frustrated with the kids, and mostly when I am having a fight with my wife. I yell. Because I am a man, I have a deep voice and it carries. When I yell, it scares the kids and sometimes my wife. The thing is, I usually yell when my feelings are hurt (especially when I am over stimulated). It has also been suggested to me that I might have some form of ADHD. That could explain my trouble in school. The thing is, I wish I could just cry. Instead I have to deal with adrenaline and testosterone.

I also have chronic insomnia (which is why I am writing this at 2am). I went for a sleep study. The doctor said I did not have restless leg syndrome or apnea (although since I did not get a full nights rest I am not sure if they got a good sample). He said I had chronic insomnia and said he did not treat that. He gave me a piece of paper on sleep hygiene. What the heck? It is not like I am doing something that causes me not to sleep. Is he saying I am just a dirty sleeper? My general practitioner gave me some anxiety medicine that help with my anxiety attacks, but also let me sleep at night. My psychiatrist on the other hand told me not to take it and refused to renew my prescription.

I am currently not working. I spent ten months of 2014 working at various non-profit organizations. That was a major change for me since I went to college for graphic design and spent almost two decades in that career.The problem was the economy made the graphic design industry intolerable. At first some jobs went overseas, which made it hard to find work. Then they started merging two or more design positions. They were expecting everything to be done faster and cheaper but they want it to be the same quality with less people. So this created a bunch of unpaid overtime. A lot of the new positions became internship that offered experience and college credit (i.e.no pay at all). Or worst of all, they merge two unrelated positions together. So now you have to be a graphic designer and a web administrator, or a designer and a video editor. I was working as an Art Director at a local weekly newspaper where I worked for five years. My boss began acting erratic and started yelling at most of the employees. When she yelled at me it was usually something that I did not do or even was ever responsible for doing. Of course part of the reason she was all freaked out was they had to cut the budget and I was laid off in March 2013. I loved the job, and was fine with most of the unpaid overtime, but it just became too stressful and hostile place to work for anymore. I was kind of a mixed blessing because that was when most of my depression, anxiety and hypertension started. That job was killing me. So I ended up on unemployment for nine months until congress failed to extend the emergency unemployment benefits in 2013, I was cut off on December 28th with millions of Americans, even though I still many weeks left. So I stopped looking for just graphic design jobs and looked for anything I could qualify for. When my wife found the job posting for a canvasing job, I was very happy. It payed quite a bit less than graphic design, but at the end of the day I could feel good about myself. Worked for various environment, gay rights, and labor organizations. I raised to the rank of Field Manager and even trained for a Director position, but they never found an office had an open director position. It was during this time I injured my knee. When my last assignment ended, I never got a new one.

So, I am current out of work again. But I cannot collect unemployment. The good news is that we own the house we live in. I paid the down payment, but the mortgage is in my moms name. She said that since I was dealing with a lot of stuff that she would pay the mortgage for a while and I could just pay her rent when I can. My wife makes enough to pay the rest of the bills. Eventually I need to find another job. Right now, with my back and knee, I can not do any heavy lifting or stand on my feet all day, so that limits the kind of jobs I could take. Furthermore, after already changing my career once, I am not thrilled about finding yet another career path. I do a lot of volunteer and activist work.I volunteer for women's rights, black lives matter, lgbt rights, environment and social economical activist groups. Of course none of these pay the bills.

For the most part, I do not get out of the house. I do not have many friends. I watch the kids and try to sleep when I can. Honestly, I spend more time on Tumblr posting online petitions and reposting various social justice posts I find. That is my life.