Inconsequential inconsolable distraught
I feel like having been living alone in a constant struggle has me in such an indescribale mindset. Im handicapped by a painful bone desease, financially after bills im left with ten dollars so i have to choose clean laundry or gas for my car. I must wear my clothes as long as possible, im so depressed that im nausious and so discouraged because thete seems to be nothing i can say to friends to get them to understand how dire my situation is. So i get tons of suggestiins that i cannot do for reasons they just dont have that level of understanding. It took me a long time suffering to even find a way to survive my day to day, and each day i know it will not take much to knock me down for good. As years are going by, my health has deteriorated and my Will power dispeared, and im numb inside contimplating su a side, been long past the days of anxiety, ideation, and hospital adnissions, long past reaching out because i realized all my suffering,breaching out, following the recomendation i had the resources to follow, that i now see the system is designed to only appear to help. Communicating this falls on deaf ears, peoole who have not been in this kind of forsaken situation simply cannot understand on the levels needed to remind themselves as processing that no resources means, no gas to drive to therapy which was a waste of time because i return to an empty home, in pain, no social life, cant spend a dime, sitting wondering what i can possible create without anything to build on
Few can understand an undiagnosed person like me for what appears to be the natural average programing: like a typical lack of effort to care. I get manic creative, suicidal, depressed, anxious, stressed, have repressed anger, physically disabled, fears, daydreamer, kind, isolated, financially challenged, 7 suicides in my family, lost it all, been incarcerated 6yrs, major trust issues, a bit of paranoia, i get motivated, then as soon as i pick up something, im tired, and stuck. I cant make desicions that i need to make. Nobody realizes it. I never get out or have any social life. I have tons of potentail, inventions, hobbies, but im a low budget hoarder. I need guidance. I have a 150 IQ, but its of no use to me because it creates dreams and finds reasons to be paralyzed. When ever i cant decide how to react or respond, i doubt, and when i doubt, i dont. Don't do anything.
@juliak1968 Hi. Sometimes i just hope the fact that i reply to you gives you some energy and will plower. Im humbled by your fight, and for the society you live in confused as to why. Youre obviously not daft but there is only so much u can take too. If youre statement is to reach out then im replying with virtual hand to help you up. Im sure you can talk to listeners too. For now im just here to offer friendship. Hi.
@Gujon3073
Thank you so much! I have a little energy but it doesnt last very long. Some of the meds i must take depleat my strength. I pushed myself for 3 hours today and now im tired and feeling a little shaky so im eating a can of fruit cocktail for the sugar. I reached out and took your offered hand of encouragement, and it helps 😊 I may for find a listener now. Thanks again, your friendship is appreciated very much.
@juliak1968 you are more than welcome. I think the fact that you have food its a sign that youre prepared to fight it out. I am proud of you. I know its frustrating because your brain doesnt switch off and youre body is saying no. If i can help, be a sound out, offer advice then ill be glad to help.
@Gujon3073
How are you today? I hope your good. Im still stuck in the same reality.
Its not easy. Be well
@juliak1968 hi. Im struggling too. Just think ive had enough being a burden to everyone sorry.
@Gujon3073
Your a blessing, never a burden. People like you and I need to be here to help lift people up. Without us, the world would sure wish they treated us better.
Hugs my good freind😊
@Gujon3073
Missing you, and hoping you're doing well. You sure helped me through some very hard times and will always have a part of my heart. Please let me know how you are doing.
Blessings!😊
@juliak1968 hey, that must have been fate. You helped me too ! I do hope everything has gone well.
@Gujon3073
Indeed i believe, we met in our times of need. We gave our best so that's what we both recieved. It's great to hear from you. My prayers are being answered, i have help now from my fellow Veterans, i have the right meds, and a roof over my head. Im away from that toxic place, free rent for a while and working on getting my VA benifets and subsidized housing. I have 2 therapists, a pysciatrist, and most of all I have hope. You deserve all the best, like to offered me in my time of need. Big blessings, my life is better because we met!
😊
@juliak1968 wow. That brings tears to my eyes, such an amazing transformation. You knew what was needed though, just needed that belief. I am happy that you did it.
You have the support now, these are not miracle cures and there is a long road ahead, but as you feel it such little things change your life dramatically. I'm glad you can share the story.
@Gujon3073
Yes, ive gotten a little taste of what is ahead for my struggles. Ive been on meds about2 months and it gave me a chance to feel less and understand more; so ive had a few epiphanies, and then my first real face to face with how much work is ahead, then a little meltdown, and two days os self care recently cleared my head again. Im close to my mental health and the last 3 appointments were over the phone. I had some difficult adjustment to make to overcome my life long fears of the city, but conviences are becoming more clear and access is good for a low income old fart like me😉
@Gujon3073
Hello my freind!! How are you doing? I hope you are doing good and feeling good!! It's over a year since we met now and I am living in my new appartment, have a reliable car, and all my bills are paid leaving with money to save or use. A lot has happened for the better and Im very grateful. I only need some motivation and direction now a days. I sit here with out a clear routine and know I need to develop one and find some puposeful ways to spend my time. I have a veterans case filed and have the help I need. Its like I followed all the advice and direction they all gave to me and now Im here looking for my next move. Take good care of yourself! 
Blessings, Day
@juliak1968 for me I'm almost at the end of my therapy. The lockdown helps as I've had no choice but to self isolate. Working from home and caring 24 7. Just need a hairdresser :)
I think without other people like yourself life wasn't living, it just needed that little voice not your own.
I had to learn to grieve again for last 2 months, and allowing it.
@Gujon3073
Yes indeed when life gets into full struggle mode, our confidence seems to be the first thing to start loosing; so it was great talking to you. We validated eachother and gave confidence back so we could bravely face our struggles. It helps to get n give that support😊
@juliak1968 such a great story from you, I am sorry I didn't check in, but I guess I had to isolate and deal with a few things emotionally. Happy to have a wonderful person to talk to now and again. :)
@Gujon3073
Ive been sitting on the same old wood bench for 10 weeks now and as my medication slowly took affect, i noticed time slowed down and symptoms let up for moments of peace now and then which allowed me to begin to learn a lot about myself. I sat so long and adjustment to my new enviroment challenged my core several times, but now im finding longer moments of peace, and slowly cobfronting my fears. I came up with 2 sayings; Life is a bench and sit happens😊, then wrote several new poems about the new insights im getting.
😊I imagine this tree was very wise; is now in disguised as a place to watch the time slowly go by, so I shall honor her respectfully by carving her decoratively, reminicent of my retrospectively pondering my destiny.
Im having a breakdown - too much self reflection led me to detections of rejections and upon a closer inspection I found many other defects, I recolect my introspection is causing to much internal conflicting. It might be my depiction of my situation is an overloading electrocution internalized distribution prolonging my confusion. My fear-based delusion is causing me to contimplate a red profusion from a percise insicion. But it remains my decision and i still maintain my vision of a life im somehow missing, so im just sitting; on my bench is a fitting place for my thoughts to race today. What else is there to say? Should I pray, should i get up, or stay here thinking of all the terrors and trembling caused by fear, for which im well aware will soon disapear.
Rewarding interactions and positive distractions attract us to take factual action which elevate us all naturally; supporting eachothers reactions in an inspirational fashon. I really can't afford it, but You will be rewarded, one by one in order recorded by my personality disorder, and border- line consorted goal to lift us our souls; together we recover, our sisters and our brothers, fathers and mothers by helping eachother.
@juliak1968 x
@juliak1968
@juliak1968 when i lost my partner 4 years ago, to this day. I struggle to forward plan. Its an emotional turmoil. When it first happened i just released most of the clothes, to charities etc. But everything consumes me and just throwing out the smalllest thing is such an emotional battle. Im crippled with fear, dread and just waking up. Im anxious to everyday life, like you i guess i have a decent iq as i have 2 degrees, good job and i care full time for my disabled step daughter. So now you know my struggles and why im here. Youre not on your own. So hopefully after your food today, you'll message and you'll have achieved something. I know im about to go for therapy and it fills me with huge fear. I hate crying right now and being a blithering heap, but if it means i have to blurt something out than keep it in.
@Gujon3073
Im very sorry for such a profound loss. 4 years may seem just like yesterday at time, and like a million year ago dream others😔 A few days ago was the anniversary of my oldest daughter's suicide which at first put me in shock and confusion and actually broke me. I spent months in a state of feeling totally forsaken (and even worse timing and atmosphere than may be possible to comprehend) I just can't go there right now to explain it. I might never be able to. I remember on the Easter after, I was desperately trying to go to the other side to help her, and confounded so deeply that I ripped off my toenail so i could cut as to offer my blood as my offering to Christ.
Sorry, I've never been able to tell my story yet, ad it is pushed down inside me so deeply. Some time we can actually break, and nobody can see how to fix us, and years of unsucessfully trying only adds more damaging painful frustrating depression and repressed anger so strong that we push it down deep so to protect others, and ourselves from ourselves.
I've kept this inside for so long because if people heard much more of the rest of the tragic events; I'm worried it could be more than some could comprehend. I will never be able to except, so i may not be able to overcome this. The added suffering i have from my physical problems, and financial duress has be like climbing out of a boiling long pipe full of oil and not being able to get enough air, so must try not to believe it or care about my life as my only way left to keep the crippling anxiety away. Lets change the subject, i get stuck in this, and cant keep letting it paralyze me. To make things worse, i have no help moving, and must find a place in 44 days. I get a little energy, respond to some ads, and then shut down completely when the panic starts to hit me. So when that happens day after day i see my chances dwindling away. I had 90 days, now have 44 and still didnt find one. I also will be leaving all of my belonging behind so im loosing everything again, which I must do to save my own life; but only if i can find a place to rent to a sick old depressed damaged person. I pray that some miracle will happen soon
You are such a kindhearted person, and I want you to know that we have strength we dont find out about until unbelievable tragities strike us so hard that we see it as such a profound story, we hold on to see the last chapter unfolding. 😳
@juliak1968 yeh trouble is we lock these feelings away and not deal with them. Its so scary to reignite them. Felt totally sick and numb today. So, you have 44 days to find a place. Sorry i dont know the full gist and wont pry to much. You must have benefits and can move right. Obviously you dont have freedom of movement ? I.e. your not on the street right
Always
..always trying to survive 😕
@juliak1968 again i know the feeling. But your brilliant at survival !!
@Gujon3073
Your such a beautiful soul, I pray for you to find the strength and the light that transforms everything to be wonderfully joy filled and a perception that cant see anything but the good in life!
@juliak1968 i give you hope, vision and energy. I'm going to freeze time, send you some new bones and heal you. Most of all im sending you big smile, which will see you through and get you plodding fwd.
@Gujon3073
That would be so helpful 😃 Id love to dance again, and run every other morning too. Thank you for your freindship and caring. It means a lot. I'm getting back to the home srarch now. I have picked my best on and now copying and pasting to save time. I responded to about 50 so far in 5 different states. I will try to narrow my searches a bit and do a lot more. Have a wonderfully blessed day my freind!!
@juliak1968 excellent positivity. Thinking of u so dont loose hope. :)
@Gujon3073 I hope these happy fish find you with a swimmingly big smile 😊
@juliak1968 wow ! I went swimming tonight, im trying to loose weight to swim a 10k this year. Hows the search going. Thank you again for the pic as today wasnt best day even though ive achieved lots.
@Gujon3073
Big freind hug
@juliak1968 so what positives have u done today.
@Gujon3073
That is so great! Your a rock star!! Give yourself a big hand and a big thank you hug from me. I think people like you on 7cups understood how bad my situatiin is and hopes for my finding a resolution 😊 Your a great mom, and im so happy you have such a close relationship with your handi-capable lovong daughter. She is learning from your inspiring choicesvand watch how you overcome so much, id bet she teaches you a lot about whats really important too! Swimming used to be a really big part of my life. I think if i had a pool to exersize in Id be able to get some of this weight off and my pain would be reduced a lot. And depression too! Im having an asthma attack but its getting better now. I just confronted my landlord and told him if he gives me 750.00 so i can move, I think Ice found a place. Long long stressful story, but living here and having a landlord that is a serious drinker that doesnt fix anything has taken a real toll on my situation. He has been a user, a bully, intimidating, taking advantage of me for a very long time. I found an apartment but the new landlord needs to fill it in 16 days, he like talking with me. I didnt want to have to turn in my landlord for tax evasion, or because he is a felon with guns, or for renting an illegal apartment, but ive gather voice conversations, photos of all the violations and such just in case. I just confronted him dearlessly to give me 750 so i dont loose this chance to move. He got loud with me so i exposed my hand and told him i didnt want to have to go down that road because i know what its like to have my family broken up by arrest. He just came back iver, and calmly,.nicely told me he will give me the money tomorrow and have me sign a quick aggreement. I usually avoid confrontation but i end up suffering every time. Please pray for me, i really shook things up and now i need the new landlord to arrirm yes. Get money from the old landlord, and pack what i need, and give away the rest. Big stress right now and i cant jinx it. Prayers crossed fingers and luck are needed to keep pushing to see this all through without him declaring war on me and me ending up harmed, homeless or in a legal battle. He is the worst landlord anybody has likely ever seen and living here has been a big part of my bad health and worsening health. Positivity, clear communications, luck, and God's will are needed now more than ever. I finally see I door started to open, and im trying to push it wide open. I will need to find out how to get rid of a lit if things fast if the new landlord calls tomorrow and confirms, and the old landlord hands me the money i need. Its in his best interest to help me get out, because he knows he is a real law breaker and what ive gatgered in him could get him from 5- 25 years in prison. Please send some prayers for me😊
@Gujon3073
I thought it would be a good idea if people talked about happy things instead of sad sad sad all the time, so i created this new topic😊
Here is the link below
New 7cups thread --> 💕Write a HAPPY😊 story in 6 words 💕
@juliak1968 ty for that. How did you do yesterday ? Any good searches yet ? Im routing for you. :)
@Gujon3073
Hi, I thought the first apartment was going to be all set, he and i got along great, it was a go, but he then said he gets benifets so he cant give me a rent reciept for my payments, which would make me vulberable insecure and unable to get my benifets. I went over to tell the landlord, but he said he wasnt giving me the 750 either
I quickly called my #2 back up apartment. The guy waiting on the bank loan was just so drunk when i called him; so i asksd lots of questions and found out he doesnt give reciets either and he lies and says the other room mate lives there free to avoid taxes.
And the 3rd one (i thought was all good)sent me a 9 page lease with tons of illegal ammendments. Just nonsence, and ocd.
This all sure is testing my resilence.
Last night an hour after i feel asleep. I woke up having an anxiety attack. It was getting bad really fast, but i finally found avway to find my peace and balance. This all has been such a struggle. Im just looking for a simple safe place to live with honest kind people. Its not looking good 😔
Thank you so much for checking back. I sure hope your day was far better than mine!! We must have faith, and dare to push forward through the pain.
Have a wonderful morning!
@juliak1968 sure you can do it. Dont quit
@Gujon3073 
@juliak1968
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out.
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are -
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.
@Gujon3073
So nice, great poem and an even better message.
I will remember that!
I work so hard for the moments that im
capable with a clear mind.
I jump right in ready for trying
It can all look good, they start lying
They think im blind
It hurts inside
I'll put that out of my mind 😁
@juliak1968 its a special poem to me.
@Gujon3073
😊I hope this smile makes you smile and finds you doing well my freind!
Today, i'll just try to relax my mind and keep looking for an apartment, but I can't let the desperation in, today Im feeling very low, so I need time to myself. I think watching a movie might help me snap out of yesterdays 3 apartment looses and last night anxiety. Life for me is a careful care to taje care of my health and meds, and remembering to eat better. When I get everything right, I have a few hours that I feel well enough to focus on my apartment searches and to make calls in a well spoken way. Never try to move without giving yourself 6 months of planning. I wasnt given that, so the stress of ending up homeless adds to complicate things very much. I have just 6 weeks left
@juliak1968 sending you a virtual energy bar, a cup of tea and a classic movie with some popcorn to munch on. All of this welcome distraction.
@Gujon3073
Awe, that warmed my little heart up! Thank you for thinking of and taking such good care of me! Thats the nicest gifts I've gotten in a long time. I'm sending you a virtual hug, a warm blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, the Netflix password, a quart of Ben and Jerry's pistachio ice cream, and a package of Nutter Butter peanutbutter sandwich cookies 🖒😁
@juliak1968 lol, very good. I think that came on the jetstream pretty quick. Just nipping out to get your shopping in and an extra supply of cookies, ice cream and good healthy foods. Be positive you will get there
@Gujon3073
I'm really trying hard to stay positive 🖒😊
I hate to be complaining so much, but I'm not getting any help and I've used most of my resources going to about 15 appointments to find help. Social service here is just terrible, my rights are being violated constabtly and I've tried to remain calm. I think my calm and the fact I'm not in a wheelchair makes people pass fast judgement in me and inside they don't think I need help?? I put in so much effort to get ready for tgese appointments, and see so much disfunction as I sit explaining. Last time i had a brown grocery bag full of all my papers, i pulled out ny winter gloves as i was looking for a reciept, and they lady said "are thise your workglives?" I said yes, then realized she was actually thinking I might have a job. So much incorrect judging is happening to me for no reason. I have no life, just struggle each and every day trying to solve my many problems, but I cant seem to change anything yet. I feel like im forsaken, ir destined to fail. It gets so discouraging and Ive come close to totally giving up several times. The only people who undetstand me are on this website, but they really can only lend support and pray for me. Its like drownding but nobody knows Im in the water.
@juliak1968 im so sorry. I dont want to feel invasive in that mindset, i want you have the right balanc. I think you need assistance of the right level, non judgemental and battles your corner. You have every right. Just conserve your energy for the right parts.
@juliak1968 hi, can you use any of these
https://www.thezebra.com/renting-with-disabilities/
Apologies in advance, just trying to help in anyway
@Gujon3073
Oh, nice I will check it out, thank you so much!!
@juliak1968
Have you tried calling 211 to find out availbale resources to help in your community? There may be people who can come to you, if you cannot drive to them. Having someone come by would also help you feel less alone.
@Gardenyarn
Yes, I have tried that, also had three different social workers fail me. Its easy for them to forget me because they are not suffering. I was admitted to the hospital twice for 2 weeks on times i was ready to give up. Ive explained my situation over 150 times to people on and off this sute. 2 weeks in the hospital trying to get after care, but they failed me. Actually tricked me with sending me to a place they said they made an appointment for me, when i got there they told me no appointment was made, and tgey dont taje my insurance. I have full documentation of all the dysfunction, and if i had help, and was interviewed, the tv news would have an incredible story to tell about the criminal aspects of tge treatment of the mental health community
@juliak1968
Wow, do you think they made a mistake thinking the place took your insurance, and since they did not, that's why the appointment was not made? Somebody dropped the ball on that for sure. But why do you think someone would purposefully trick you into thinking you had an appointment when you did not? Carelessness in inexcusable in patient care, but it does happen. Just human error. I can't imagine what motivation someone would have to want to trick you. With no one helping you effectively, I can Dr how after a while it would seem that the world is against you. But usually, it is just people overwhelmed with their own stories and making mistakes or overlooking tasks.
If the problem was they didn't take your insurance, try calling your insurance company. They could tell you who in your area takes the insurance for the care you need
@Gardenyarn
Im a very observant person, well spoken, good communicator to; my observastions (which have been confirmed by nurses and others who work within the system) , these so called mistakes are common practice, the state is in finacial duress, and it's been going on so long that cuts are being made at every level. The date they decided to discharge me had nothing to do with my current mental health that day, i spoke up at the last group meeting i was in when I said to the group " I was just informed Im being discharged, even after my ptsd breakdown last night" (they had a huge fight in the halls with patients and staff and i was triggered and cut) My discharge had nothing to do with a lack for needs of treatment. I was pushed out like everybody else. I was on the phone with the suicid hotline within an hour because i felt so suicidal , i went to the emergency room later that day with cuts, idiation, and anxiety that was so bad i was having a bad asthma attack. They talked to me after a few hours, promised me to help if i went to a program the next day, that they would come over and help me with getting veteran behifets. I spent 4 hours there the next day, filling out papers all while adking for the person who said they were meeting me; she never came and so i just went home. I could tell you so much better if it didnt all have to be tryped here from my tiny keyboard. The system is broken. Money and profits are the reason so many go without the care we need. The more that quit and give up, the more money they save. The workers all dont realize thete calculated actions are instrumental in the demise of so many because they are only doing what they are told: but some do know, and do it any way. Its that bad.
@juliak1968
I want to add that they should be the ones that feel embarrassed, but it ends up being me, the pateint that is put in one embarrassing situation after another, and the ammount of suffering cannot me measured because it is inside of us, unseen by anybody else. I learned to reach out, trued many times, then learned not to reach out which scares me because the only reason im still here is because of people i cannot see or talk to on 7cups.
@juliak1968 im here and listening. If i can help i will too.
@Gujon3073
Thank you very much. Im currently ok, just trying hard to find an apartment or room share situation so i can free up some money. Ive been stuck in a bad situation where my rent is 80% of my money income. Ive had nothing left after bills except $10-15 and its a big reason things are so hard for me. I have no gas money and everything is a 25 minute drive becailuse i live so far away from the nearest city. Years like this with no social life, and no fun has taken a big toll on my health and mental health. Im about to try to find something to cook so i can get up my strength, but I will come back soon. Thank you for your freindship. I hope youre having a good day 😊
@juliak1968 hi. So get some good food in take. Positive feelings today. Sending energy across the ocean.
@Gujon3073
I feel the energy and goodness and smell the cool salty ocean air from the long journey 😊 Thank you very much. I hope youre doing well. Ive been thinking and contacting christian living, sober houses, and structured living in hopes that i can find a place to live in a health clean structure setting, and having somebody to guide me and pray with me. Im just alone and im so tired. I have to try really hard not to give in to the negative thoughts, and im desperately looking for something to rescue and show me how to live. Im so out of ideas, and my hopes jeep meeting discouragement. There is so much wrong in this world. I need to find some good, and be a part of that. 😊
@juliak1968 you will. Dont loose hope there are plenty of good people. Keep the fight going you will succeed.
@Gujon3073
Thank you! Im recharging now, and about to do a whole new fresh look at finding a way to change this whole situation around.
I love the positive energy and encouragement your sending me
Blessings my good freind. I want to show you I can do this 😊
@juliak1968 good. Sounds great.
@Gardenyarn thank you, any help of positivity appreciated.
@Gardenyarn Yes, thank you very much for your suggestions. I actually didn't notice I was talking with somebody new 😊so I just rambled on and on
I appreciate your help very much
@juliak1968 this is it though the big think with mental health is whats invisible is actually quite difficult. We can do this.
@Gujon3073
Yes, we can do this somehow. We must, we are counting on ourselves to
@juliak1968 sending you some rope, clamps and a ladder. Then sending in some bricks and mortar and lots if volunteers. Then hiring some painters to paint rainbows above your new home.
@Gujon3073 Thats so sweet of you to give me such a nice virtual big gift. I can see it being built quickly. Thank you, its perfect!
@Gujon3073
Being in the situation im in and have been in for years now has really tested my metal. But ive had some very big worries, and some of my thoughts are not healthy at all. I want to talk about something ive been thinking about doing, but not here for all to see. Im not certain if im sain any more. I absolutely need to change this situation.
Im going to get off here and call crisis and talk to them about how im feeling and hopefully learn something new. Ttys 🤔
@juliak1968 if its any consolation i feel same way. My situation is compunded by other factors and ive lost sight of everything. I know how you feel i lost hope along time ago and have had those thoughts for long time. If there is anything i can do in terms of refocus then its ok. I also know sometimes how futile talking etc is. It doesnt change situations but hey im a friend and i'll gladly help you through indirectly u help me too.
@Gujon3073
Im sorry that we both suffer, but glad we met. Its great having you as a freind. I know your fighting along side me, together we might just have an epiphany or sorts, and a good perception change. I've had some good days when nothing really changed except my outlook and perception. I'll take as many of those days as i can get. When im completely honest with myself, i tend to wonder if im actually trying to hurt myself and end up loosing everything. But i just dont know. Im not even sure if im being honest with myself. Most of the time, i sit in full asthma attack mode and dont use my inhauler that i can reach from where im sitting. Its like i dont care......but i do care, but i dont care
Oddly, i think you know exactly what that feels like? I want to get off the pain meds, but cant allow myself to loose them. I hate being in pain, but i hate my frazzled mind from the meds, but cant even think of living without them. 6 years straight on the same heavy dose, so careful not to be discoveted, fooling myself so im the fool, but the medical profession wants me like this. I cant fight it, it is to powerful
@juliak1968 hey. Checking in on you, worried so sending some virtual english tea, with some fresh warms scones, jam and clotted cream
@Gujon3073
Hi my freind, im here😊 i was sleeping.
Wow, Thanks for the yummies!
Im waking up slowly
@juliak1968 ok phew. Are there any organisationsthat can help
@Gujon3073
I emailed a few, i missed a call an hour ago, but im not ready to talk at the moment because im having trouble breathing. It a really big step to go do that. I have to find a way to quit my pain meds and replace it with something. I have a house full of things with no place to put them, i may need inpateint detox before they would except me. Its a lot to think about, and i have no help. I know where a na meeting is tonight, but i have only 1 pair of heans and they are ripped. Im way to selfconscience to go, and not sure how to get supported
@juliak1968 ok are there any organisations who can hone help. Plus relief benefit
@Gujon3073
Ive looked, i will look some more. I had a home health care person that used to come one time a week but the state wont pay any more. Ive tried to get any help but they just arenot doing it.
@juliak1968 yeh i can understand that and you need someone you can email then talk to or face to face.
@Gujon3073
Im really struggling, i feel like i only can function when im taking those paid meds, but when im taking them, im not thinking properly. I feel like im loosing control very fadt, im very afraid, and im headed for a very dark place and nobody can really save me. I never realized i cannot control this, it controls me
@juliak1968 hey. Ive got your hand. Think rationally. Whats the priority, what do you need most. What makes you happy. Dont give in now, u can do it.
@Gujon3073
Im not giving up, just feeling the suffering in a big way. Trying to distract, holding on for a new day. Thank you for your hand my freind, i humblly except it and extend my hand to you. Im really not sure what else there is to do. This has gone on for 2 painful years, and ive tried everything i think. I never missed an appointment, ive reached out, called crisis on 30 occasions, went to the emergency room on 6 ovcasions, was admitted twice for almost 2 weeks each time. Went to a 6 week outpateint and a 4 week out pateint, reached out to social services 10 or more times, reached out to community resources, and trust me when i say: the system is broken, the help isnt real
@juliak1968 i think the system is very frustrating. In the time my partner was being diagnosed they were passed pillar to post, then terminal diagnosis came with a non descript date and morphine. Slowly and surely that person melted away. Unfortunately for those 10 people 1 will get it and they will help. So we know youre not giving up, but balancing life is critical here. Think of the things you want to do, get to a better place mentally and lets start doing them. Lets get a better place to live and then you have the right income. Some kinda home help and then you get assistance. U can then get out goto library, walk freely in the country, do things that dont cost but allow you freedom. Realise people do care, they are just trying to understand and help. Me too, i wont know everything, i dont need to, im just encouraging the lost soul to help themselves. Im also trying to do as i say. We must do this even if as we try and raise that smile we break wind trying. :) joking aside.
Ive not actually greeted you yet. Good morning and helli my friend.
@Gujon3073
Good morning,
I hear what your saying. I know i have to push the last miles are here. I have to get a place and be a part of something so i can stop feeling like nothing. Here is a smile that broke a lot of wind 😄 Its hard for me to have good timing. The meficine is very strong. Ive tried not taking it but then the pain is to strong. I have not been able to shop for long so i grab the ex foods, but they are not healthy but if i could find a structured enviroment to live, i might slowly improve and if i had freinds to say good morning and show me a better way, id have a chance
. 
@juliak1968 ty. :) thank you for listening, observant and being you. That made me feel overwhelmed but happy.
@Gujon3073
Always always, I want to help when possible. Its so nice that you reach out to help me. Many times in the process of offering help, something wonderful happens and makes us feel good inside. We all struggle, and we all understand more because weve experienced the challenges too.
@Gujon3073
How are you today? I hope you're feeling better. Happy Distractions can help pass the times that we dont feel well.😊
@juliak1968 exactly. Ok slowly distracting myself..... slowly returning. Yup it works :)
@Gujon3073
I hooe you find some of the threads that focus on happy. I usually search a word like happy in the forum search box, then find threads that inspire happy or joy or an interesting subject. Im going to try to go to sleep now. Its 2:30 AM here now. If i sleep, im lucjy. If i cannot sleep, i will be back soon. Here is a big smile for you my good freind!
Good night
@juliak1968 thank you. Night.
I am really worried, im struggling with an addiction that has gotten really bad, yet im taking legal prescribed medication. In my efforts not to take more than prescribed, it seems these pills still have control over me, and my life has been drained of any joy. The past two years have been the worst, yet even when i was hospitalized they continued to give me the same dose. When i wake up, i feel such a dark horrible perception, and lay there wishing it would be over. Then i go get that med, and in about an hour i feel better, so i take the other half. I start to think of ways to change my life, i get motivated, i feel confused and try to figure out ways to fix my life. Ive been trying new things to find a new place to live, but i end up awake for 15-24 hours, and exhaustion puts me back to sleep. This cycle is destroying my ability to do anything about my situation. Im broke, no resources, depressed, disabled, and alone. My problems are so many that i want to escape. The suffering is too much. Im to embarrased to be seen like this, in dirty clothes, home full of half packed boxes. Im guilty of follwing tge doctors advice, and taking to much bad meducation with nobody checking on me to see how its destroyed my life, and when ive reached out, they down play it all
.Isolation drives addiction. In my situation, ive been on pain management for about 7 years, and have always been open about it with freinds and neighbors. I noticed how they started backing away from me for what i thought wad a mystery; and it made me feel bad, made me question my own worth, made ne start isolating more and more; until 2 years ago when I was really suffering isolation and the dose I took remained the same for 7 years. I didnt do anything wrong, yet felt shunned, mistreated and now depressed. I started having terrible anxiety attacks, then ideation: and started calling crisis for support. I ended up admitting myself through the emergency room twice. While in the hospital, i bounced back, made freinds, and felt better. When i got back home i went back to depression, isolation, and feeling worthless. I seeked out help from social services, but yet in my explainations the very mention that i take daily opioids, seemed to change their desire to help me get involved somehow so i could feel a part of something. Its so sad that I have done exactely as instructed by my doctor, and its led me to suffering in unimagineable ways. Its terrible treatment towards people at their lowest point in life, when they need some social involvment more than ever. When we need help the most, we get less help. The sicker we are, the worse we are treated. Its a decietful way the state saves money. Instead of helping which costs money, they treat us worse which saves them money when we finally give up because we see it is a dead end path they put us on.
Another lonely night spent with my thoughts, and feeling beaten and mistreated. Its my goal and purpose to stay alive to shed light about how wrong our medical and mental health systems, as well as the social services treat good people who need the proper help that those systems are paid well to provide us.
Im feeling like these years of isolation have begun to change my thinking. It seems my perception is growing much darker, as i feel more and more desperate to inspire some kind of changes, wether it be me moving, or giving up. Im really feeling the pressure and pain of being alone.
@juliak1968 your not fully alone though
@Gujon3073
Thank you - I got good sleep which helped me wake up feeling optimistic. Im calling 2 places now to see if i qualify to be part of their program. Ill be on and off 7cups all day. ,👣 we walk many of the same paths so we can keep eachother good company as we find a better way of living 😊
@juliak1968 hi, im struggling today, feel sick and head sinking to dark place. Im on later as im travelling to and thro. But ty.
@Gujon3073
Hi, Im sorry your not feeling well. Have you eaten something. I know food helps me, or sometimes going back to sleep for 2 hours, and being ok with that. Im thinking about a nap right now. Its a bad habit, i usually feel a little better after a nap. Ive tried to makes some calls today, but nobody is answering. Very odd, like im living in the twilight zone. It will be ok my freind! Take care of your needs, and Ill see you on 7cups soon. Dont forget to smile😊
@juliak1968 3 full blown panic attacks in 30mins not good
@juliak1968 hi, what did you manage so far today.
@Gujon3073
Hi, I woke up, had coffee, made some calls nobody ansered, left messages, go on 7cups, made calls again, and went back to bed. Now im having coffee 🤔😕
@juliak1968 i have biscuits for your coffee
@Gujon3073
mmmm yummy biscuts, thank you muchly 😊
Want to try hazelnut creamer for your coffee?
@juliak1968 sounds great. Fresh coffee coming up
@Gujon3073
😊 Did you have a good day, i know it can be difficult at times. But we push on and try to create a happier reality. Dipping buiscut in coffee is nice. Some days we feel like we are the buiscut 😲
