Hi guys, need some opinion / advice or really just someone to talk to.
First and foremost I'm very sorry, because this is going to be a long one!
I've been on 7cups for a while now. Previously when I was still fresh out of a breakup, I was having some extreme sucidal thoughts... it was so overwhelming that I scrambled around online, found this site and immediately subscribed myself to a therapist. She was very professional and had been in the industry for 20 years. We spoke for about a month and with me taking some tests, we eventually came to a conslusion that I could very well have BPD.
I did a lot of research on my own and afterwards tried to look for help/ treatment in person. But I couldn't found that BPD is not very well known among the medical health institutions where I am. I will admit too that i have a lot of doubts just going to see a therapist / psychiatrist in person.... I've heard of a lot of bad stories from friends and I'm very worried I might be judged, or migdiagnosed, or simply be neglected and just given some meds to deal with (happened to one of the friends).
It's been 3 months since the breakup and the discovery... I started out a wreck, now I'm not crying every time of the day anymore. But sometimes, most of the time, my lows are still very, very low. I guess the fact that I'm living on my own far away from family and my close friends doesn't help. I do make the occasional effort to hang out, go to church etc and am generally friendly in my workplace. But I'm no extrovert so I can only do that to an extent, and even with I feel very disconnected.
I think what's worse is that I still have these 'outbursts' that - try as hard as I may to control them, they just come out anyway. If I'm at my low point and I pour it all out to a friend and they choose to not reply - for whatever reasons they have - there I go feeling butthurt and running rampant on them. Heck, I even ran rampant on an online friend whom I've only known for only like a month or two! I have this trigger - where if someone ignores me or say they will be there for me, but don't.... I will feel very intense emotions. I fight very hard to keep them inside, but sometimes they are just too much and they break out. And then after all the damage is done all I feel is immense guilt. I think this part of it all is driving me crazy, because when you're on the verge of losing it you just feel like you are totally in the right about your feelings.... but afterwards all you feel is shame.
I don't really know what to do.... should I just keep pushing on? Sometimes I feel fine, other times not so much. But it's just that the highs are really high and the lows are really low. Can I get better without treatment? I really do appreciate anyone who actually takes time to read this. Thanks and have a nice day!
@jkoo If you're asking if I think you should seek treatment, the answer would be a yes but that's because part of you seems like you desire treatment. BPD is a serious mental illness and if you think you may have it I reccommend seeing a professional. I've been in treatment nearly a year and I'm not sure I would still be alive if it wasn't for starting. Going through my journals or listening to old therapy sessions helps me realize how far I've come. That's not to say that I'm magically better because I started seeing a therapist. I still suffer from my bpd symptoms, and will most likely be in treatment for at least another year. I need to take medications, and I have another diagnosed mental illness that I receive treatment for. BPD is often diagnosed with other conditions, so going to get tested for your diagnosis would be beneficial for that reason as well. There's no one size fits all answer, but I think that you would find benefits in therapy. It could help you manage the ups and lows, as well as give you a new relationship with someone you can talk to. BPD is highly treatable. Here's some statistics on remission rates:
https://psychnews.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/pn.45.9.psychnews_45_9_018
Keep in mind, these use the dsm III R criteria, which are slightly different than the dsm 5 criteria. Recovery also depends on what level of severity your symptoms are (having less severe symptoms does not make your illness any less valid). So, when you're ready, maybe take the step forward into treatment. I think that the results will really please you.
Hi @Indistinctaurora! Thanks for reading and replying to my lengthy post. 
Yeah, my emotions are kind of making me crazy. I do want to seek treatment... however I am not very confident of the professional help I can get where I currently reside. For months, I've researched and contacted various health institutes, they have either ignored me or have asked me to look for another place as none of them specialise in BPD. I am open to the fact that it can be something other than BPD, but I've read that people can get diagnosed wrongly (e.g. bipolar instead of BPD, or vice versa) and I wonder if that would happen to me... I guess this is probably way too much overthinking... but I am also anxious of talking to someone in person (what if they judge me? What if they dismiss my concerns??). I guess I should at least make the first step, shouldn't I?
I am glad you are getting better with your treatment, and I wish all the best for you on your path. Thanks for sharing your insight, I hope I can soon find the help that I need too.
@jkoo Your concerns are understandable. Luckily I was diagnosed correctly when I first started recieving treatment, but I know there are several people who spend a significant amount of time using ineffective treatment because they were misdiagnosed. I'm sorry that you're having trouble finding someone. BPD has a lot of stigma associated with it, which I think is unjustified, so many practioners don't want to treat individuals with it. Maybe you could find an online resource? I've seen several online DBT groups ran by people who've reached remission from BPD with the assistance of LCSW. It still costs money, but that might offer you some support while you're finding someone you have a good fit with.
@jkoo hey i am in a similar situation , im here if you need to talk
@jkoo Being fresh from the breakup of a relationship can be very traumatic for many of us. You may have felt a great deal of emotional hurt and this could have lead to your suicidal thoughts. Searching online - although perhaps desperately - can be both a good yet a bad thing. It does appear that you chose a positive outlook in the end as there are a lot of negative web sites out there.
Speaking to your online counsellor appears to be a good start and it is positive that you now have some form of diagnosis to work from. The problem with the internet is that there is a lot of information that is not always accurate and could lead to a wrong 'self diagnosis'. Doing your own research can lead to the wrong information or at least a misunderstanding of the information. Look at websites provided by your government such as NHS for the UK or the US Department Of Health for USA and so on. The research would be more accurate from a regulated site such as these. There are a lot of self-help books as well.
Your friends are not helping by telling you about their bad stories. Discussing your situation with them will lead you to feel more disillusioned even before you seek advice. Each case is different and their situation may not be at all like yours.
You could try communicating further with the online therapist for a start. Doing some research through your local health clinic will hopefully put you into contact with a therapist either through your health service or they may recommend a regulated private therapist. Only you will be able to decide whether or not the therapist/psychiatrist is suitable for you and the reason for you friends 'bad experiences' could be due the therapist not being compatible with them. Talking to two therapists can be the same as talking to two shop assistants or bar workers. You may 'get along' or 'click' brilliantly with one but not the other.
When the subject of 'meds' gets involved, this is obviously a decision you need to make under the guidance of a qualified professional. An understanding therapist/psychiatrist/doctor should discuss various options and it will be your choice at the end of the day. It would not at all be unreasonable of you as a concerned patient to want to explore your options in the event of ....."take these tablets and you'll be OK".
You appear to have taken your breakup 'very hard' and that seems to have been a major 'trigger' point with your condition. This is likely to be an important area for you to work with a therapist. The therapist/counsellor could also help you to identify the reason for you feeling a 'wreck' after the breakup. You were dealt a severe mental blow when this happened and this may be because of deeper feelings caused through your own life experiences. The relationship appears to have meant a great deal to you and the breakup will certainly have caused upset especially if you had invested so much emotional/personal energy into it.
Living on your own is great because you have the privilege to enjoy your personal space and freedom. Many people can be envious of this. Unfortunately, this does come at a personal price. One negative example about living alone - especially in a situation such as your's - is that you are alone for long periods of time to reflect or 'dwell' on any negativity. It is all too easy to sit alone, overthinking your negative thoughts again and again. This can be even worse if you have enjoyed the companionship of another person in your life. There is also the issue of struggling to be alone if you are a person that does not like being alone.
The distance from your family and close friends will also make this situation harder. You say you make the occasional effort to 'hang out'. This is a good thing to do and by doing so, it is healther than staying in on your own and 'dwelling'. You could try making a more regular effort to hang out and go to your church for a start. Leaving the confinement of your 'four walls' to just go for a walk can have at least be a small benefit to you.
You're not being an extrovert means that you can at least enjoy the company of people without actually being social and 'barging in'. Being sociable does not necessarily mean you have to be 'outgoing' and forever expressing yourself in order 'to be seen and heard' .
Simply having a coffee in a busy cafe or a beer in a busy bar - where you are amongst people - can be a good starting point to build confidence. This will help you feel more confortable with others. As you begin to feel more confidence, you could look at the possibility of joining a group or club that is affiliated to your church. Would night-classes/workshops/groups be of any interest to you?
It's good that you are friendly in the workplace. Should there be any social events taking place, consider 'putting your name down' as this may help build friendships at work. Of course it is not always a good idea to rely solely on your colleagues for social interaction outside of work. There is the issue of the 'working boundaries' such as being too sociable with 'the boss' or too friendly with 'the married office girl'. The suggestions above will encourage a wider variety of social interaction in your life. Even if you are happy not being very social outside work, then extra hobbies/interests will help you.
Your outbursts occur when you lose control of your temper. This results in a situation of 'shoot first' .....question later. Could you try pausing for a second or two prior to your outburst? You know yourself when one of these 'outbursts' will come along and I dare say this can occur when someone else in a conversation starts to 'trigger' them or 'wind you up'. Being prone to outbursts or sudden temper 'tantrums' unfortunately attracts opportunist 'stirrers' who will bring on these outbursts.
When you feel agitated/frustrated with the people that you are conversing with, try taking a deep breath, step back and calm yourself. There's nothing wrong with saying to someone....." I feel that I am not able to continue with this conversation with you right now until I feel calmer. "
When we 'pour our feelings' out to people, not everyone can deal with them. Very often, the problems that you are experiencing can 'transfer' to another person. Sometimes we hear someone say...." Got talking to **** the other day"......." Telling me about all his money/health problems.....I felt exhausted after listening to him!!!" This can affect professionals such as counsellors and social workers. Emotions can be contagious whether they are positive or negative.
Some people are very willing to listen to your problems yet others find it very difficult. Although you will be feeling hurt by their rejection/not replying when you 'pour it all out' it is important to understand that you are not fully to blame here. This is because the friend on the receiving end of your emotions finds it hard to 'digest' them. Maybe you could 'break down' these messages over a period of time and also ask at regular intervals about how the other person feels. The friend on the other end may be having problems themselves and this could be a shared experience for both of you. This can also be the same when conversing with people.
You have an intense trust in people which leaves you feeling very hurt when they don't respond. You quickly build a friendship and are then 'let down'. People can often give an impression that they are extremely friendly at first introduction but after a while you can find that they are not. Expressing too much emotion can become overwhelming for quite a number of people. Focusing too much emotional energy on too few people can have this effect. Perhaps try broadening your social circle (even if it is online - if that is easier) and you'll probably find that some people feel more comfortable than others with emotions. Those that are not.....Will be happier with talk/communication about interests/hobbies or just 'general chit-chat'.
Try to recognise as early as possible when your 'intense emotions' are beginning to manifest. When you are online, step away from the computer or whatever device you have and do something else. Housework....Go for a run....Exercise....Whatever.....Distract yourself.....Then return later to converse....
Feeling guilty after the outburst can be a positive thing. Yes. The damage is sadly done. However, prior to your outbursts, try to think about that future guilt. Maybe even an apology afterwards followed by an explanation of your situation could help in some way. We are all guilty of 'outbursts' whether we have any form of personal issues or not. The feelings you experience are very likely to be right, even when you are 'losing it'. It is about management of our 'self control' when we have these feelings ......and try to let these angry, 'pent up' emotions float by us.