Newly diagnosed with BPD - urgently need a listener to talk to
First and foremost, I have posted a few threads in the other categories prior to this... sorry about the spam.
I was just recently dumped from a 5 year relationship. It was quite serious - we thought we were going to marry each other. Him and I have been in an LDR for more than 2 years now - for these past few years it has been quite unhealthy, a lot of bad stuff happened but it was pretty much all my fault.
Few days ago I have only just been diagnosed with BDP. Prior to this I never know what it is, all along I thought I was just very emotional and immature etc but a lot of my actions make sense now. But it just makes me feel worse.
I became more and more self-aware of how terrible I was throughout this LDR. I did so many things to hurt him. Terribly.
I am currently left alone working abroad with no one to speak to, my ex-boyfriend was my pillar and my best friend throughout all the problems I encountered working here. I thought that all along he knew the person I am, and supported me throughout. But I was blinded to the fact that I had sucked the life out of him too and he could no longer see me for who I used to be.
I have tried my best to overcome to guilt, I want to change myself for the better, want to be strong for my family and the people who stil cares but it is getting worse.
Everywhere I go I am left with memories of him. I look up to him like a parental figure and I guess it's the abandonment issues talking, but I really cannot get over him leaving.
It's a very long story... I don't have anyone in my life to talk about my situation. I am talking to a therapist daily, but I still find myself going deeper and deeper into my suicidal thoughts.
Someone please help me.
Hey, I just want to add that it sounds like a lot of things have happened really quickly for you -- your relationship ended, you got a diagnosis, only a few days ago, so to me it makes sense that you'd be having a lot of intense emotions.
I also feel like I tend to want things to happen faster. One of the things I've learned in therapy, though I'm still learning to implement it, is that sitting with uncomfortable emotions instead of desperately trying to make it go away is an important skill. You won't be able to control everything. Of course you can also take steps to stop focusing on the negative emotion or to improve the current moment, but for big stuff like breakups and diagnoses, it's okay to feel sad and overwhelmed for a while. It's okay if healing isn't immediate. In fact, allowing yourself to feel sad and hurt may be part of the healing process.
I'm glad you're working with a therapist. Good luck finding a listener, as well: having someone(s) to talk to can remind you that you're not alone.
@jkoo
Hello, first and foremost I want to say I'm terribly sorry that you're going through a difficult breakup. Those can be especially difficult for those with BPD to deal with because of the fear of abandonment a lot of us face. I know it can be hard when our illness pushes those who we love away from us and I want to let you know I have a bit of availability during the week if you were interested in speaking with someone.
