Should I Go to Therapy for BPD?
I don’t have the best track record with therapy experiences, but I keep having instances that make me think something is wrong with me and that I might need to go. I’m coming here to explain what I’ve been experiencing to see if this sounds like BPD or am I just overanalyzing and reading too much on the internet. So please be honest. I’m having issues in my current relationship. We’ve been arguing a lot lately and I feel like I could be toxic. For some reason when he’s talking to me about his opinion of certain things and we have different opinions I immediately think he’s against me. I read into his passion/frustration with different topics as he doesn’t like me for my opinion or he’s trying to change me. And then we get into big arguments and yelling and it’s hard to bring it back. I just get so frustrated and angry and I can feel it in my chest. And I have a literal break down and cry hysterically and feel so much guilt. For some reason I think being bad is wrong and it’s hard for me to take responsibility. But then it all hits and I feel ridiculous for how I act and it’s just a constant cycle. It’s like I can’t break it. I’m afraid I’m going to lose him. And I’ve had past relationships where I feel like I somehow do the same thing. Maybe not with the same stuff like the differing of opinions but I’ve been told I’m too much before and it sticks in my head. Currently my boyfriend feels like he can’t be himself around me, like he has to walk on eggshells. He says he doesn’t know if something is going to be a normal conversation or if it’s going to set me off someway somehow. He says he never knows what to expect or what to say. He always tells me how he hasn’t changed at all and how it was different in the beginning. And I guess he’s right. Idk when we were just friends and just starting out dating I wasn’t like this. I feel like I’m not good in relationships. I’ve also struggled with self harm on and off for probably about ten years. It usually happens as a coping mechanism. Anytime I feel insecure after arguments or guilt and like I terrible person is primarily when it happens. And idk I just feel like I’m a bad person a lot even when I’m trying not to be. It’s like I don’t even know myself sometimes. Even typing this out I feel wrong like I shouldn’t be as if everyone is going to think im just looking for attention or coming up with an excuse for my actions. I’m just really confused and want to know what’s wrong with me and how I can keep a relationship. Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read this.
@djhmbtr
You are not a bad person at all.
And you deserve to feel happy in your relationship.
If your feelings are too low or too high or you feel like you over react or cannot control them, it wouldn't hurt to seek help, to rule things out, and to provide you with proper answers and support, to enable your daily life to go more accordingly. You are human and make mistakes, we are all learning and growing . I wish you and your bf all the best going forward 💜💕
@djhmbtr
To my mind not at all you sound like someone who is looking for attention or excuses. Just the opposite: for me you sound like a person who is telling us about her struggles, pain, guilt and confusion, and someone who wants to get things right.
Imagine you are telling your partner that "The best colour in the world is orange". But he disagrees. And you feel devastated or attacked by him when doesn't think the same as you.
Does it mean you are feeling safe and secure? What might it say about your level of self-esteem? While your feeling of guilt comes just after you can get aggressive, believing it's self-defence?
I can imagine your ex partners telling you that "Black is the best colour on earth" and forcing you to accept it or end up being rejected.
But wouldn't that mean you were dragging your past wounds with you to a brand new relationship?
Finally, your boyfriend says that "Green is the best colour ever", and he is not satisfied until you admit that. Feeling the unnecessary urge to convince you.
What that could tell you about his emotions?
What if you are just a normal couple, both struggling for feeling of safety, and asking to be seen and understood? Maybe carrying some past relationships luggage just by the way?...
What if you are just one of thousands couples who may argue about boundaries, major priorities, and minor differences? I think that does _not_ make you a bad relationship straight away.
Coming back to your question: I am not a mental health professional, still, I am not convinced me it's BPD. Borderline behaviour might have taken place if you said to your partner "You are the love of my life" in the morning, and "I don't care about you. Leave me alone!" at noon, while shouting "Why did you leave me?" in the evening. You seem to be quite far from that.
Still, I think some therapy for you (and maybe for you both or your partner in the long run–if needed) could be good to sort things out, and replace the moments of chaos and fight with the moments of peace and understanding.
@djhmbtr
Hello,
It's not going to be a psychologistic's analysis that i'm going to answer you but, your story sounds to me like really close to which one i experienced. One thing you can be sure is, that if you change partner, it will be going to be the same with a new one. The problem you've got can be resolve, but that need lot of time. Have you got this angry's problem since long time?
Yours, carefully.
@djhmbtr
I feel that your journey is your own when it comes to starting a therapy journey. I'm sorry that you have had a difficult time with past experiences, and it's valid to be a bit weary of what is to come. However, you are not a "bad" person for the things that have happened. Some situations can not be controlled by us, however we can control how we move forward!
