How to comfort a guy who doesn't talk about his feelings much? I'm worried for him.
My fiance is everything I want in a man; mature, patient, and understanding. He gives me guidance and reassurance while I'm still struggling to navigate through life. The thing is, throughout our 3 years relationship, he doesn't open up much, even to the simplest of feelings. For example:
"You sound tired, did something happen at work?"
"Yeah, pretty much, but it's the usual."
"Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
Which is how the conversation would always go, and I have to really pull it out from him for my fiance to finally tell me that there's someone he didn't get along with at work who kept bothering him and it took a mental toll on him.
These kind of things made me hyper-aware of his mannerisms, because I can't just keep questioning him which makes him uncomfortable (like I said, he's not used to opening up), but I don't know how to help him if I don't know what was the root of the problem. He also tends to shove his feelings away and ignore it, and then act like everything's okay. I can't figure him out unless I keep barraging him with questions until he relents after the conversation turns a bit heated, thankfully we have never fought or yell at each other during arguments, but it's still mentally taxing for the both of us whenever we argue still.
Just a few hours ago he told me he quit his job and I can tell he's stressed about it even if he laughs and speaks in a cheerful voice. We are currently long distance, so I can't come to him and hug him or comfort him the way I wanted to. So for now I just give him reassuring words and not questioning him like I usually would, but I can't help feeling that it might not be enough.
This is probably my anxiety speaking, but there's this underlying feeling where he could say he's happy and then one day he couldn't handle life anymore (a what if scenario). I'm scared that if I don't know how he truly feels, I'd fail him. I'm thinking this way because he had a difficult life and he had seen his friends and family take their own life, and I'm scared he's going to go down that path. Even if he had a history of depression, it's hard for me to tell if he has a depression now. I really don't know what to do. I can't be negative and anxious all the time because I know it wouldn't improve his situation.
What can I do to help him?
@kannaffordthis
Like anything the idea and willingness to change needs to be his ...... we can encourage and help when needed but often this ends in a way where we are pushing for them to open up just a little worry about what we do not see and it sooner or later will cause issues.
i have had some friends that were able to open up to talk freely and yet with partner it is like pulling teeth to get a real answer or deep conversations.... it is not a whole relationship in my eyes.
you will grow tired of accommodating his not opening up or guessing at his real feelings....... i recently had to tell my person i can no longer guess or play at pulling emotions out for them ....if he cant change i will change who i am with.
this can also end in substance abuse and such on their part.... there is more trouble down the road if you let it go on ..... IMO many men use this as they never learned to talk about feelings ... well you are never too old to learn new skills in my opinion.
perhaps suggest couples counseling BEFORE marriage to see he is willing to change for himself because love can be worn down by this sort of not knowing and walking on eggshells.
