I think she’s scared of intimacy
I’m pretty certain the girl I’ve been with for the last 3 months has a fear of intimacy. After looking at all the signs it’s pretty obvious. She pushes me away whenever we get too and then puts a stall on things. I have told her I want to go out for something g to eat with her tomorrow evening and she just says “dunno”. I have read up and looked all over YouTube and everything I look up quite obviously points towards fear of intimacy, she is displaying pretty much all the signs. she displays every single sign of fear of intimacy and an aviodment attachment style. She has even told me herself that she will be pushing me away again soon when we last worked things out when she last pushed me away about a month ago.
I am yet to read her message which says “dunno” although I’ve been active so she knows I have been online because she has since too, she is only ever active on Facebook messenger whenever we are in contact so it’s pretty obvious she wants to know if I’ve read her message or if I’ve been online. I’m not sure how to proceed.
is it best to reassure her fears? She admitted to me she can’t help but think I only want her for sex and that I only like her when shes at her best. I’ve told her that is simply not true. How is the best way to go about allying her fears and getting her to open back up to me? I have nothing but good intentions for this girl so please help me.
Do I message her and say “you’re scared of getting too close aren’t you?” Do I just say “ok no worries maybe another time” or do I simply walk away and go into no contact and see if she comes to me on her own? I might be wrong but I get the feeling going into no contact isn’t right for this situation as that will only fuel her abandonment fears. We message every day and have been since we started seeing each other. Even with her pushing me away this last week or 2 we have still been messaging g a lot and she even bought me a random little gift.
I don’t want to walk away I really care for this girl
@Jayw172
Hey! Personally, I think that assuming something is rarely good for the relationship. When you care about it, the best way how to take care of it is through open communication, I believe. I do not know you or her, but maybe asking her why she is doubting or what makes her think about whether she wants to go or not. Usually, it takes time for people to open up - she needs to feel that you will listen to how she feels and take it into consideration. I think that asking what exactly can you do to make her feel safe is also important. I wish that everything goes well for you two!
I say for now, let it be, and say another time. Then, in the near future, ask her how much space she wants/needs in a relationship. If it works for you, it works for you, if not, renegotiate things as needed. Try to give her that space tho, and focus on her love language (receiving gifts, words of affirmation, etc.) when you can to reassure her that you care for her even if she needs space to feel safe. Also understand that you deserve to feel good too tho, and it would be good of her to at least look into attachment issues and possibly some help for that.
Thankyou. It’s like the penny has dropped for me today all the signs have been there from the start of our romance, I’ve just only noticed them properly and the reasons for why today after some deep researching.
i messaged her basically telling her I understand that she’s scared and that I want to work things out with her, that I won’t hurt her. She’s still a bit closed off but I’ve just also now told her I understand the reasons behind all the things she does which would usually be giving me mixed signals. Hopefully she opens up … or she tells me I’m wrong and we get nowhere and I’m back to wondering if I’m wrong
