Okay tell me if I’m in the wrong here.
My fiancé rarely talks about himself (he’s also really anti-social); he’s not a very talkative person & that’s totally fine with me. But I literally beg him to tell me stuff because I always feel like I talk about myself too much & he rarely talks about himself. He always says he doesn’t know what to say & I told him he could literally tell me anything he wants. I tell him to tell me something that happened at work that day, what a customer told him, the craziest/weirdest order that he had to take out to a customers car but he usually responds with “nothing really happened” & I will say “oh okay” & he will just say “yeah”. I try to ask him about himself, like he’s really into healthy foods etc. I’ll ask if he’s found anything new to try to be healthy etc. he’ll just say “oh it’s just the same stuff” so I just drop the conversation & start talking about stuff that happened during my day & stuff I’m interested in. I have asked before if he felt like I wasn’t supportive & asked if he felt like I only talk about myself. He told me that I was supportive & that he didn’t feel that way about me talking about myself so I just continued. I would occasionally ask about his health related stuff that he was into but of course, he wouldn’t really talk much about it. So I would just move on with my topics of interest. There was times when I would ask if he’s found anything online, like food wise or drinks or even tips/tricks to be more healthier & then he will say “oh yeah I bought some stuff last week” & I will ask about it & we will talk about it but I’d be upset that he didn’t share it with me when he got it. I would tell him I would like for him to talk to me about these things because I want to know him too. Then I did stop asking about it & would only talk about myself more BUT if he did mention something that he got to try out, like a new food.. I’ll start getting interested that he wanted to talk about himself so I would ask questions about it & we’d talk about it for a few minutes before we changed the subject to me or something).Then yesterday I asked him again if he felt that I was supportive etc. He told me “you’re not that supportive just kinda. And you do talk more about yourself but that’s only because I don’t talk about myself much.” & I said “wait what do you mean not that supportive?” & he said “well you never really ask about my health stuff and you just talk about it when I bring it up. I ask you about your interests without you bringing it up”….. what!?!? Like I would try to bring up stuff he was interested in but he wouldn’t talk about it much with me. He would find new stuff and not mention it to me then mention that he bought something new for his healthy eating a few weeks after & it made me feel sad because I felt like he feels like I don’t engage in what he likes but I literally try.
@orangeVase6516 Expectations being unmet. Both spoken and unspoken expectations. It is even worse when like you said, you were *asking* about his health stuff and then he says that you don ask.
This doesn't feel like a matter of being right or in the wrong. It feels more like a matter of awareness. I have a friend that also doesn't know what he wants, and that can be bewildering for his close friends and relatives. There are other ways to approach these types.
Here's to your success.
@orangeVase6516
It is one of the biggest conundrums in life, the massively different ways that men and women communicate. There isn't a one size fits all approach to this. Added to the fact that we are all unique in our thinking and communicating, it is a wonder that any of us actually get on at all !
You are being interested and asking questions to try and draw your partner out. But if he is not a great talker then it will be difficult for him to change. But you are giving all the right signals and messages. He may eventually open up more or you will both have to navigate a way through your different communication styles. Does he ask you questions ? As the flow needs to go both ways.
I found with my hubby that sometimes asking the question and then giving it time, embracing the silence, was what he needed to then open up. Usually at daft o'clock during the night he'd suddenly drop some sort of insight, or start a conversation with.....well, i've been thinking....
Some of us are more spontaneous and some of us need time. I truly believe that you can find a way through this. Ask your questions, which he knows show that you care....and give him time to come back to you. I have every faith that you will both find a communication style that is a compromise and meets both of your needs. Don't lose yourself in all of this, you need to feel cared for and part of that is being asked how you are. It's a two way process. All the best xx
It could be just hard for him to open up. I bet you deep down he really wants to, but something is stopping him. Maybe some type of trauma? I know it’s that way for me at least
@secretsea3461 I understand if it’s hard for him to open up. I wasn’t really upset about that. It’s the fact that he told me I’m not that supportive because I don’t ask about his favorite stuff when I have & do. He just gives short answers like he doesn’t want to talk about his stuff.
