Am I the jerk here? What do I do?
So my ex-wife and I have a toddler. I don't want to delve into our relationship because it truly doesn't make sense. However, after our divorce last year, we attempted, or at least I did, to maintain a positive atmosphere for the sake of our child. Unfortunately, I couldn't afford to live independently following our separation, so I had to continue residing at home. I am still grappling with this situation as the cost of living is high. Despite the challenges, I strive to provide my child with everything he needs while balancing my personal responsibilities. Admittedly, this is an arduous task, and I acknowledge that I am still working on finding a solution.
This arrangement started around a year ago, during which I have consistently visited my son or he would stay with me and I ensured we spend time together without fail every week, very often multiple days. Occasionally, I would spend a night over my ex wife’s during the weekend when we engaged in activities with our son, given the considerable distance between our homes. We still enjoyed family-oriented outings, and my family always welcomed my ex-wife and treated her as part of our own.
However, circumstances have now changed. I recently discovered that my ex-wife is pregnant, which is perfectly fine and nothing to object to. Nonetheless, I feel somewhat hurt by the fact that she continued as if nothing had changed and initiates various endeavors. Given her current unemployment, she frequently visits my mother, who i live with, seeks financial assistance to cover past rent. I understand the need to support her in order to ensure she doesn't lose her home and that our child has a stable living situation. Additionally, she plans family activities and vacations that involve me, among other things.
While these efforts were initially acceptable as we worked on co-parenting, it appears that she has moved on and figured things out without involving me or the people who support her. The news reached me through alternative channels, heightening the sense of disconnect. It’s clear that she has embarked on a new chapter in her life, and I believe it’s time for me to do the same.
Moving forward, I feel it’s best to let go of the extra responsibilities and activities that no longer align with our changed circumstances. I’ll always be there for our child, and my dedication to parenting remains unwavering. However, I’m hesitant to continue planning outings, going to restaurants, or engaging in activities that involve someone else’s child, considering the changes that lie ahead.
Am I wrong for feeling this way or feeling a bit hurt? I understand that we have moved on with our divorce, but this is the same person who used to call me every night to FaceTime with our son. We would often briefly catch up, talk about our day, exchange texts, jokes, and share videos and memes. I'm not sure if I felt like we had some sort of friendship. However, it's disheartening to recall that this is also the same person who looked me in the face and joked that if I ever had a new child, she wouldn't want to be involved with the child or that I would be the kind of person who would just pop up with a new child. I'm uncertain about my emotions at the moment, but I certainly feel a bit hurt and played somewhat. I also fear that this change will ultimately limit and alter the access and closeness I previously had with my son.
@newlyfeventing00
@lydstrlght
@newlyfeventing00 so I think having hurt feelings doesn't make you a jerk, especially if you're grieving the end of this relationship, big life changes as well as potentially the feeling of being taken for granted when she leaned on you and family for support while not reciprocating after the divorce.
What you said about her joking about not having you in her life with the new baby is insensitive on her part, and I'm curious why she would ever say something like that.
Have you ever consciously grieved the end of this marriage? Did it end on good terms and is there a possibility you may be expecting fairness on her part where she may still be harbouring resentment? (It's also understandable that she is grieving the end of this marriage and is hurting you because she isn't handling the loss so well.)
@newlyfeventing00,
she already embarked on a new road. I understand that you might feel hurt, it takes time to deal with separation and divorce.
It's not her though who is hurting you, it's you.
So she is pregnant. So what. Does it change anything? If you guys are on friendly terms and are getting along fine, why would you want to change that? Just because she got pregnant?
I put with a lot extra *** because I wanted to be with my son and around him. She’s the type of person who would want me to get her diapers, or ask me to go the store for her and get her stuff for her new child or even maybe try to leave me with both kids and I’m not doing that. I’m not trying to pick her up from the hospital after she gives birth and go on store runs for her and her new child. I don’t hate this woman, I’ve done alot for her. I’ve helped her move three times, you know what is like to take take a sofa up 6 flights in a very narrow stairwell, do you know what is like to wake up at 6 in the morning to move her car for street parking and have to shovel it out of a snow storm, take her car to the repair shops.
look I get it, there’s nothing wrong with moving on with your life. But asking me to book an activity weekend for us and our son while you know you are pregnant with someone else’s child is not cool and stuff like that did hurt me. Because I don’t care what you do with your personal life, but to expect me to continue as we were doing to try and have a parenting partnership when you clearly have moved on is not cool at all.
I’ve been an excellent parent and not father, Parent, because I go above and beyond for my child and always will and will continue to do so if can. But the circumstances have changed and I will no longer engage in what we’re doing before, I don’t find it appropriate, and it’s not healthy for me. I will continue to be there for my son and love him as always and find different way to be with him. But I need to focus on my life, my life and well being is important to, especially if I want to be the father that my son admires, respect and is proud of.
im not trynna buy soap, take her to dinner with her new kid,
go out on entertainment activities, and a whole bunch of extra *** that she will want me to do and then try call me a hater, and flip it or try to portray in a sort of way that you explained which is not correct at all, there were of other factors involved.
it’s hard to explain, I been through alot. But if she has moved on, why can’t I move with my life and make sure I am good. This does not mean that I will be any less of a father to our child who I completely love and e everybody knows too. Will things change, yes they will, maybe I won’t be able to see him as frequently. But I will always be responsible and make sure I give her money monthly as i always do, get him clothes for the winter, get him clothes for the summer, go to parent teacher conference, go to his graduations, buy him all his necessities, and make sure he is good, and when the time permits, spend quality time with him too, which I will work on making better arrangements soon, and hopefully we can work on a schedule.
she moved on with her life and that’s cool we all have to, and maybe I didn’t move on with my life and that’s on me. But I am not wrong for having a wake up call and wanting to move on with my life as well.
