Feeling lost.

Its been 4 months since I broke up with my bf. It wasn’t the best relationship. A lot of my needs weren’t met and I know that I stayed way longer than I should have. I was being so naive and dumb. It also didn’t help that I went through long term depression over past traumas and issues within those times that lasted about 2 years. I used to spend most of my time in my head thinking about my life, how I knew he didn’t like me, and I would blank out around him pretending to hear half of the stuff he was saying. It would get awkward as I wasn’t in the right headspace. I don’t think at that time he even cared. Its why I didn’t even tell him I was depressed or what was going on. I thought he would just know. I wasn’t mentally strong and let him disrespect me on multiple occasions. I didn’t feel like he loved me for real and at the slightest when I did feel like he did, he’d mess it up. I feel I was riding off my own love for him. Like an unrequited love…

Fast forward to now, I won’t get into what we broke up for but I had determined that it was done and I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He would constantly text me about the situation, asking me if I was serious, that he loves me, etc. I ended up just telling him that we can be friends. So last month and now we’ve just been messaging. Not relationship like or anything sexual. Just mundane things like “wyd?”. He tells me he misses me though and I’m always stuck at the fact if I should say it back. I did tell him last month that things need to be slow. I’m afraid I’ve insinuated that I want to be in a relationship because deep down I know that it just can’t happen. There were too many times I felt down in the relationship. He hurt me so why or how would I go back to another potential slap in the face?

I am still grieving the ending of things but talking to him still, I feel is prolonging my healing. I wonder should I even be still taking to him at this point? Like is it a waste of time? I still love him but my trust with him is damaged and I don’t see that being recovered.