I’m so confused
I have a best friend and at first i feel like he is jut womanizer and he always talks with me about his thought and talk about girls. So I didn't think anything and just see him as a friend even he did something that look a bit more than friend such as he always hug me or pad my head when i feel down and he surprised me with coffee in front of my room or call me in case to make sure that i’m not suffer from depression.
we always there and spend almost whole day tgt everyday because we r both international student even he’s extreme extrovert and likes to go to club he always end up come to me after club to talk or maybe called me and then leave. He always said that he cant spend time with anyone for too long because he always wants to meet new people and he gets bored easily but we have dinner tgt everyday for 6 months.
until the day that I had to go back to my home country he said that we need to spend more time tgt and on that day we just kissed and in my head i just think that what did i do that a very big mistake so i said to him that get out from my room and let’s act like nothing happens so he said okay we acted like normal in front of our friends but it end up happen again and again because we always spend evening tgt. Until the point that he slept in my bedroom we cuddled but i never have sex with him.
we spend time like couple but we still say we r just frd because i dont want to loose him. I just scare that if i said something he might not be the same and everything will be end.
we actually spend last two months before i left like a couple we travel we kiss we hold hands we hugged we cuddled but we still didnt have sex because my trauma and i dont want to end up like all the girls around him that he *** because he always has sex with frds and random girls
i left to my home country i cried a lot so did he but we still chat and talk and called but sometime he just didnt reply me back because he had mental issues which make me felt like he changed.
i decided to go back to see him again in the next 4 months because my family had a plan to go travel in uk anyway. So i went there 2 weeks earlier to spend time with him. At first when we met it’s a bit awkward and i just overthink because i felt like i shouldnt come here. He said to me that he had to see his frds and he’s not free everyday. I slept alone in hotel and he stayed at his home. I was so depressed and felt like he didnt care about me so I decided to ignore him and end everything and he just kept calling and texted me.
i took his called and he said it’s his first time to feel comfort and have someone to care about him like this before because he’s problem with his family and studied aboard since middle school. So he said that it felt overwhelmed for him but he wanted to try everything to make me feel better. He wanted to take care of me and dont want to loose me. However we still saying that we are frds and right now i about to leave again and he asked me to meet him before we both leave but i’m just scared to meet him and just feel like i want to runaway and dont want to get hurt anymore and told him and he said that he wants to figure everything out tgt. He doesnt like when i just think by myself and always wants to ignore him. He just said he wants to improve himself more and more to make me stay.
should i meet him or just runaway back to my home country and do u think he just think with me as a very good frd and doesnt want to lose me?
@tidyHuman4502
Hi,
I see why you're feeling a bit confused and frustrated with this situation. I hope I'm not replying too late, but I do think it would be a good idea to sort things out and meet with him. Otherwise you might regret it. From what I read in your post I think you are important to him. I don't know what the future holds for you two, but if you meet him before you go, you just might find out.
I wish you all the best and if you ever want to talk about it feel free to reach out to me.
Lots of love💕,
Rose
Thank you so much, how can someone that i have never met be this kind to me. Thank you
@tidyHuman4502 you deserve better
He doesn’t want a girlfriend. It sounds like he enjoys the company of women, because he’s constantly discussing that and it’s clear that is what his interest is. He enjoys the clubbing and the random sex, it probably excites him and distracts him from his problems.
Does that mean he’s not a true friend to you? Difficult to say. If he’s kissing you and trying to be intimate with you that definitely means he would have sex with you if you let him. All I can say for certain is that he would have taken your friendship there if you had let him. So at BEST I would warn you that his perception of your "friendship" is not pure. For him, girls always represent an opportunity for intimacy. If he strays across the friendship boundary with physical intimacy that tells you that he values his physical pleasure more than his friendship with you.
I get the feeling that he will say a lot of the "right" things but do whatever feels best for himself. He wont commit to you as a partner, he wont give up other girls. He leaves it deliberately vague about your friendship while already having crossed that boundary by kissing all the time, treating you like a date. He wanted to see how far you would let him go. It seems to me he is just constantly testing the boundary in the hope that one day you will just cave into his gentle pressure. I think at times when you showed more resistance thats when he responded by cooling off and acted differently.
I think you should be careful with him. Your trauma makes you vulnerable, and with sex it definitely will mean something different to you than it does to him. It means less to him. No matter what he says I think you know in your heart what his personality is right now, and sex with you seems to be something he wants, but it wouldnt be something important to him, something sacred. Maybe just something he wants out of curiosity, something to satisfy his constant need for intimacy and distraction. But that attitude to sex would be degrading to you. You will feel diminished by it and betrayed, used. So I definitely think you should be wary of him and his intentions.
CatsInTheCradle
@tidyHuman4502
Hello,
I see that you are having a very frustrating situation, I am sorry that this has happened to you, unfortunately, I am not allowed to give you advice as it is against policy, but please do what you think would be best in this situation. I wish you the best of luck and hope your relationship with him turns out well!
@tidyHuman4502 think you should talk to him, I don't know if I am late about that :)talking and communicating is always better.
I would try to clear my mind. (I will talk in a firm way because that would be what I would do to myself but you do what you feel right obsiously ahah)
-Do i like him as a boyfriend or as a friend? what do i want? - you need to know this so you can manage well the situation and know better how to deal with him.
if you like him as a boyfriend, i think that being this attached to him may be difficult if he just wants to be friends. it creates hope and a kind of romantic connection actually...but not being in a relationship. it's really confusing and I would avoid this situation. he has to understand that this mess is not making any good to your life. and being in this "situationship" its not stable and not good for you, or for anyone.
if you dont want him as a boyfriend, you have to put some boundaries about physical contact and everything. if he wants to be friends and has some physical things with other girls, why does he need to do that with you? or does he like you in a romantic way? if he does you should be clear about your intensions and set boundaries.
of course this may bring some awkward/vulnerable talk but he should understand your situation and your feelings and respect what you think its the best for you. talking and communicating is always better.
he may also have some issues on relationship and girls and everything and may also need to figure out his mind. I dont know his past but he can have some confusion on his head to. So you need to set boundaries yes! but dont forget maybe this is a problem for him too, and talking about all this openly can clear things out.
he really seems to care about you. I dont know if he is asking you about sex or smth. from what you said I thought he was respectful and not trying anything. but you can see this better than me obviously. if he didnt mention it and if he is being very respectful about it, I wouldnt say he is trying to fool you. I think he really cares about you but you can judge this better than me.. (i am just an external person with almost no knowledge of the facts ahah). but that puts again the girlfriend/boyfriend conversation. or are you just friends having ocasional sex? are you ok with that? if you are not ok with that, don't do it. if you are ok with it...maybe you can do it, just keep in mind that you can not have further hopes and everything (its not easy, careful)
in the end is all about how do you feel. do you want him close? do you want romantic? you want things more clear in "status"? what are boundaries that you need to have for your mental health? think yourself about all this and have open and vulnerable talk with him. that's what I would do. being confused is the worst thing. you have to clear your mind and your "relationship"
good luck <3 and always respect your feelings
@tidyHuman4502
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