Poems, thoughts and memories of all sorts.

I know that I should apologize. I am truly sorry for all I did. But see, I'm proud just like you and I don't want to show my weeknesses. What if you realize that I'm not strong ? What would you think of me then ? Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to become like this. I wished that I stayed that forever bright person. That little sunshine that didn't hesitate, just ran forward. Something went wrong my dear. I don't know what happened but my brain disconnected. The wires burnt and I changed. My happiness became so rare. I was so needy for that affection that I betrayed you. Never owned up to it. So many secrets I kept from you. Mostly so that you wouldn't freak out. It was so scary in there, all those shadows lurking in the dark. I wanted to tell you about it. I tried to show the madness above. I promise I was trying. But you got tired and I can't blame you. Talking to a wall can only go so far. And time ran out didn't it ? It was taking too long, you needed more and I couldn't give. I'm sorry for that too. For listening to the voices instead of you. For thinking that I could do this alone. I'm sorry love. For having all that love trapped inside me and not being able to spare some for you. I ran away, too scared to be vulnerable. Now I'm alone, watching you from far away. I still won't tell you, even now. But I'm still sorry.

Crash and burn sweetie. Just crash. And burn. Throw it all up in the air and watch it fly away. Dance in those flames until the end of the night. Let the fire mark your skin forever. You'll never forget that crash. The way the world just tipped slightly the wrong way. Everything turned upside down. Now you're walking on the clouds with the darkness above your head. It'll drip on you, stain you for a while. But baby crash and only then burn. Wait for the chaoes and then dance in it. Show them you're not a fighter but a tamer. You'll greet the fire like an old friend. After all we've been here before. That fire will scorch you but it'll keep you warm. It'll take away layers of your skin, show what's hidden beneath. Only the flames will see it dear. The world is too busy looking the other way. So baby feel free to crash and burn. And be reborn. Strong. Sturdy. Vivid. Booming. Living.

And I'll sit here, remembering you, remembering me, thinking of us, how we used to be.

I'd say I'm sorry, if I knew what I was apologizing for, but time, as it seems, has washed over the shore.

I sit here, feeling my heart swim in the obscure emotions, beating at it's best, full of desire and devotion.

And I wish I could share all this with you, the deepest depths and the darkest blues.

But my dear friend, we have come to the end of our book, I gave and gave and you took and took.

I wish I could have kept the spark that helped me go on and on through the gloomy and the dark.

And now you won't ever see that light again, for in the night sky, the evening, I will spend.

My body is numb. My limbs are heavy. My soul is tired. My dreams have flown away. But my soul is strong. My roots run deep. My mind reaches for the sky. I might lose my way but I won't lose my heart.

Everything is changing now. Don't worry love you'll make it through the storm, after all you're ever changing too. The memories will still be there to ground you and though the future is uncertain, I'll be there for you. Don't give up now, you're just starting to bloom.

I wish my soul could sing

To show you what's within

I wish I had a stronger heart

That didn't always fall apart

I wise I was wise

And my feet could take the strides

I wish my brain would quiet down

And stop the prickling thorns of the crown

I wish to feel affection once more

Trips to heaven, encore et encore

I wish the word to soften

My eyes to open

I wish to look backwards

So that I'll love forwards

I wish for the ticking of the clock

To sometimes stop

I wish to breathe through my lungs

And forever feel young

I wish for roads to bend

And wounds to mend

I wish to fly across the many seas

The horizon with no end, to be and to be

I wish for lonely nights

With non existing fights

I wish for the sun to set

See these souls that never met

I wish for love to grow on me

Like a vine grows on a tree

Wind around my limbs

Listening to the whispering wind

Cover me, smother me

Twist all around my body

Loving and loving

Never, oh never, leaving.

What does it feel like, to be your worst enemy ?

What does it feel like, to have your brain shove your worst fears in front of your eyes ?

What does it feel like, to have your nerves crawling under your skin ?

What does it feel like, to think you're useless ?

What does it feel like, to not be your authentic self ?

What does it feel like, to not know your authentic self ?

What does it feel like, to slip into madness ?

What does it feel like, craving the high to come ?

I'll tell you what it feel like. It feels like me. Slowly losing my mind with no one to see. Letting tears roll down my face, freely. Progressively forgetting what love can be. Not knowing what it's like to have someone beside me. Physically restraining myself so I don't go further. Crossing that line over and over. Pulling the shadows to me, always closer. Becoming colder and colder.

Screaming, shouting, slamming my fists against that door, sobbing and bleeding, unable to take it anymore, pushing and pushing until I become a wreck, completly unaware that the key is hanging around my neck.

I'll never shine too bright for this world. I'm not a warm sunshine or a dazzling spotlight. I'm the flickering flame of a candle, the reflection of the moon on a lake. I'm muted and timid. Some might say that I'm too soft or not strong enough. Maybe they'll think I'm useless. Sure I'll never stand out like many others but my intention was never to blind you or hurt your eyes. I know that some souls need quiet and comfort and I'll be glad to gently guide the way.

That's the thing with love : it doesn't come in pills. You can't decide when you get some or how much you'll get. Sometimes you'll drown in it, completely surrounded and not knowing what to do with it. It'll drip off you and run wasted all the way to the drain. Sometimes you'll crave it, like your lungs need oxygen. You'll need some love to help you live but you'll fell like you're suffocating without it. Just like a wanderer lost in the desert, you'll walk walk on and on thirsty for that love that you can't have. And maybe you're like me, full of love and frustrated because you can't share it. Wishing so hard to feel that connection again and unable to spare some love for yourself. So to you who is reading this, be my guest, serve yourself and take some. I'm more than willing to share this with you.

As the day comes to an end

And the cold settles in

I wish for my will to bend

So that my thoughts will dim

I feel the sadness travel through my veins

A dark voice whispering to me

That we'll start over again and again

As many times as need be

For the battle between myself and I

Will be one that I can never leave behind

So many times I've been left to cry

Just because I can't let someone inside

See it's hard to explain that something is wrong

When outside everything looks exactly the same

So complicated the show what is gone

Without coming off as insane

Maybe I have lost my mind a little bit

Who know if this is normal or not

My brain acts like an empty pit

That only fills with thoughts tangled in knots

Someday maybe this will make sense

Of maybe it's just the way I'm supposed to be

To live a life so tense

Because these thoughts will never convey peace

So for now I'll greet them like an old friend

After all we've met before

Like a circle, this will know no end

As I'll never be able to shut the door.