Clean but struggling
Currently have been 5 years SH free. I was doing fine but lately is been rough. I feel like I’m falling apart. I feel lost. I’m crying frequently. I know SH won’t solve anything but I can’t help to think back on some old habits. I think I just need reassurance and support to not resort to that because no one IRL knows I struggle with this.
@KariMay
It sounds like this particular episode of distress has reminded you of your previous SH habits. You have been clean for five years, so I'm pretty sure that you have developed successful coping strategies for dealing with SH impulses. I admire you for your success, and the tremendous amount of dedication you put into succeeding.
You are absolutely right, SH not only doesn't solve things, but instead, it adds even greater stress to the challenges you're already dealing with.
Did something happen recently that made you feel particularly vulnerable, or circumstances that closely paralleled those that occurred before you stopped SH?
You mentioned that no one IRL knows of your struggle. That sounds like a special kind of loneliness to me. I also have struggles that no one knows about. In fact, no one knows about them, even anonymously. I've simply gotten used to that special place of loneliness within.
I'm glad you are here, and I hope it helps you to succeed. None of us are living with the same circumstances, nor are our emotional lives alike. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that everyone has that secret lonely place within, in fact, I suspect that's truly how it is.
The amazing thing is, heart connections form between very different people, as well as those who exist in similar circumstances. I believe those connections, despite the lonely places within, help us to share strength and encouragement with each other.
You mentioned thinking back on old habits, so it's not surprising that you have felt vulnerable to the old impulses that led to those habits.
You are no longer that person. The wisdom you have gained, and the success you've experienced, have changed you to a remarkable extent. Again, congratulations.
I cannot offer much, since I am much younger than you and still very much in this addiction. But you've made it so far, and its people like you that inspire me. I believe in your ability to resist sh, no matter how hard it gets. and I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well ♥️