CLOSED to new questions AMA [Ask Me Anything] ask the therapist your questions May 27-29th
Hi there. My name is soulsings, the ambassador liaison with 7cups therapy program. I am thrilled to introduce an AMA [Ask Me Anything] therapy thread that can help you better understand how 7cups online therapy can help with Anxiety and Depression issues that you experience in your life. Cynthia Stocker, a licensed therapist that provides online therapy services for 7 Cups, can explain how 7cups online therapy can help you cope with different challenges in your life. See her bio at the end of this post!
This format gives you 3 days May 26-28th to ask your question and give Cynthia 3 days May 27-29th to answer your questions about finding therapy options for depression and anxiety. Cynthia is also available to sign up for therapy if you are feeling like you might benefit from online therapy.
So post your questions now and Cynthia will answer them as quickly as she can starting May 27th. Remember this is a 3 day thread, so get your questions in early. Cynthia will answer questions in the order received.
Sometimes people ask the same or similar questions, so please read through the questions in this thread before submitting your questions so you can benefit from all the answers presented here and we can limit duplicate questions from happening.
Thanks for participating in this thread. I look forward to your questions and Cynthia's answers.
bio for Cynthia:
I have worked in the field for about 30 years and I have experience with anxiety, PTSD, depression, OCD, relationship issues, communication issues, parenting problems, work/life issues, assertive issues, ADHD, learning disabilities and much more.
I live in the beautiful state of Idaho where my husband and I enjoy backcountry horse trips, white water rafting, hiking scuba diving and international travel. Some fun facts about me; I am a licensed falconer, I learned to swim at 30 and now I am PADI certified, and I went skydiving for the first time at the age of 54!
In addition to working with 7 Cups clients, I maintain a private practice in a tiny isolated rural town, where I completed domestic violence assessments for the court as well as attending to my face to face clients. I offer traditional therapy as well as Equine and Canine therapy. These are wonderful mechanisms for change!
Cynthia Stocker, here is my link for therapy
I've struggled with depression, or at least dysthymia, on and off my whole life. Lately it's been bad because of relationship issues. It's difficult to summarize all the details that have lead to my current situation, but I'll try.
ive been in a monogamous relationship with a man for over 10 years, married to him for 6 years, and have a 3 year old boy with him. When I chose to be with him in the beginning, I knew that our sex life would be a struggle, as I was his first and he is incredibly shy, but I didn't let that bother me because I love everything else about him.
but when I had a drunken kiss with a girl and then was given permission by my husband to go all the way, I soon realized how badly I desired the passion that I was missing.
my husband started getting jealous and insecure and we tried counseling but he never adapted to the polyamory. Same thing with my girlfriend. They both at different times suggested I was selfish for wanting them both in my life. My girlfriend left me because she couldn't share me, and I don't blame her for that.
but while my husband is hoping we can get back to how things were, I don't know how I can. I can't stop thinking I'm a bad person for wanting more. If there were only two options, leave him or stay and hurt, I'd always chose stay because he really is the perfect husband. But now that I'm aware of how not sexually attracted I am to him, am I doing the wrong thing by staying? How am I to make this work?
@independentHuman8603
Good morning and thank you for your question, I can only imagine the confusion you have right now and you quest for the right answer. I think that when a person is not their authentic self it can cause many problems with depression, anxiety etc. Here is a link that suggests the impact of not being authentic in your life on mental health https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/dont-be-swayed/200808/does-authenticity-lead-happiness If you feel you are indeed poly then it is important you be able to investigate your ethical non-monogamy in a healthy and safe way. I would strongly recommend a couples therapist who understands poly couples and help you and your husband. Cynthia
Thanks for giving us the opportunity to ask questions. My question is as follows:
Apart from a few other things I still suffer from the effects of bullying, like the feeling of being "outcasted" again. When I am not tired I am doing okay, when tired though my nervous system runs on extra high alert and all kind of negative thoughts pop up, I become overly sensitive (being hsp already in normal status). Sometimes I can feel my brain switching from negative to positive on it's own without me applying coping skills. It happens from one minute to the other, very similar to switching to a different channel on tv. Is there a possibility that I have a temporary chemical imbalance in the brain? I am not diagnosed with any mental disorder. What usually helps is relax and often simply food.
@amiableTurtle9543
Good morning and thank you so much for sharing your question with us. While I cannot diagnose you, what you are describing sounds very much like a PTSD experience, i.e. flash backs. You see people often think of flashbacks as visual however they can be experienced as emotional, and sensory as well. They happen so fast and switch in they way you are describing, people cant get a grip on what is happening. Because of the bullying you describe you may be traumatized. I would encourage you to see a therapist if you are not already doing so. This would help you get the answers you need. Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Thank you very much for your answer. I believe there's a great chance of trauma too, the fear of "it happens again" which makes it hard to believe that someone likes me.
@soulsings
Sometimes when I become very upset, I want to feel pain. For some reason a quick fist slam that causes me to hurt feels... good. Why does this happen and how do I stop it? I don't want to begin self destructive behaviors but I fear that I already have them. Thank you!! ❤️
@oceancruiser48
Good morning and thank you for your question, What you are describing is called self harm. Self-harm is very common and affects more people than you might think. Self-harm describes any behavior where someone causes harm to themselves, usually as a way to help cope with difficult or distressing thoughts and feelings. Self-harm usually starts as a way to relieve the build-up of pressure from distressing thoughts and feelings. This might give temporary relief from the emotional pain the person is feeling. Its important to know that this relief is only temporary because the underlying reasons still remain. Soon after, feelings of guilt and shame might follow, which can continue the cycle. The best way to stop is to begin therapy to address the underlying issues and develop healthy coping skills. Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW thank you!
Hi
I fell in love with a man 3 years ago, we got married a year ago. We had an amazing sex life before marriage and right after we got married, it started fizzling out. He used to cite reasons like work stress, demise of his grandmother who he hated, his overweight for lack of libido. I used to give him space.
But after about 15 months of very less sex, I'm extremely frustrated all the time and I get upset for no activity at all. Now he's saying that he doesn't feel connected to me and he can't make a move until that connection is back. I'm furious that something that I was afraid was going to happen with lack of sex is happening. I am not able to stay patient anymore.
The thing is we love each other very much and want to be with each other. But things aren't working out. I cannot let go of sex. I've asked a hundred times if he's attracted to me, whether he has sexual thoughts, whether he thinks I'm sexy, he says yes all these. But no move from his side.
What do I do? What am I doing wrong? This issue is driving me insane every living moment.
@purpleOak2033
Good morning and thank you so much for this question. It was very brave of you to share. This actually happens a lot. You are not doing anything wrong. There could be many reasons why it is happening from health issues to emotionally ones. I think the first thing to do would have him see a physician to rule out medical conditions like low T, and also begin therapy with a therapist who deals with sexual issues (individual for each of you). Then you would be able to come together with a couples therapist once the underlining issues are dealt with. Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Thank you very much for your response, Ma'am..
I'm going through a lot lately that I can't understand what's going on exactly. I've been trying to talk to listeners here but they simply couldn't really help as much as I expected because it's all complicated.
Also, I live in a war country, there's no therapist or psychologist around me, and I can't send money online even if I have it because of restrictions to my country.
It's not easy to give a background, but I'll try my best to highlight what I think might be important to know.
I'm 25 years old male, childhood was pretty good in a loving family, but over-protective, that they didn't allow socializing much with other kids, then in high school, I've been bullied because I was kind of a nerdy boy, my teenager days was really tough because I started to notice how overwhelmed I am, and started to discover who I am, to find that I value being authentic so much that I can't keep up with social norms and fake or superficial or any mundane living things, although I discovered how sensitive and melodramatic I am, college days wasn't that great, been cyberbullied for being different, which lead me to isolate myself and focus on my thoughts and my own world, trying to know myself better in order to fill the void of that inner loneliness that I couldn't understand, (I'll continue in a reply maybe)
@charmingTriangle5510
then I tried to open up again, moved to another city, got in touch with many new people, but most of these new interactions ended up with many disappointments, I wasn't that welcomed and couldn't belong to anything, I fell in love and was in a real relationship that time, but it didn't last more than six months, and it was intense to me because I loved her deeply while I was to her just a rebound to pass the time, so I broke up with her even that I was still in love, I didn't get in any serious relationship after that because I was falling in the same trap of being in love alone, then I thought maybe I just can't feel loved, and still struggling with falling in love with those who doesn't love me back, apart from that, and I spent the last two years in isolation, trying to figure things out and learn and grow out of it, and I changed a lot and still changing but I couldn't help feeling old, I feel old all the time and I can't remember any moment I've been really happy, I don't enjoy anything and I tried everything but it seems like I can't stop breaking down from time to time, I'm now so paranoid that it's so difficult for me to even go out of my room, I force myself to do what must be done, but I'm hopeless, I'm trying my best to fix and help myself by myself but it seems like I just can't, and I'm exhausted completely.
(I'm sorry for sharing all of that but I'll ask my question directly in the next reply)
@charmingTriangle5510
How can I be myself and get along with life at the same time? How can I feel alive?
I tried meditation and grounding exercises, I tried medications, I tried to love myself and practice gratitude, I tried to do the things I love and what I'm interested in, but nothing really worked for me, I feel disconnected, more like this life is not for me, maybe I'm so disappointed because I'm living in a dead place where I have to work really hard to survive and I'm so stressed to even think about caring about myself while everyone around me is making me feel lonely and creepy and get threatened by my personality even that I'm kind to everyone and try my best to help others all the time.
I don't know if you'll read all of that, and I don't know if you can actually help, but I know that I'm thankful for being able to share my story at least, it might mean something for someone maybe, and grateful for your time if you read it.
@charmingTriangle5510
Hello and thank you for your messages, I want to give you thoughtful response you deserve, please understand the posts you have left are complicated and multi-layered, and while deserving of a response I am not sure I can do them justice in this space. There are many questions I would need to ask, in order to diagnose and set up a treatment plan and this AMA is not designed for that.
I want to say that your situation of living in a war zone, combined with the intense labor, bullying, lack of intimacy, and emotional support places you at risk for depression and anxiety on their own. So, I dont ask my self why you feel they way you do, I say Of course you would feel this way. It would be normal for anyone. That said you do need an outlet so that you arent alone. I dont know how to give that kind of support in your area and without the financial capital.
You mentioned your family is supportive but overprotective. If you are an adult have you investigated any outreach programs through aid societies? There maybe something they have set up through charitable organizations. Or perhaps there is a religious organization that can help? I would also encourage you to try to socialize more if you are an adult because as an adult you can make more decisions than as a child. Does that make sense?
Being your authentic self is important and may help in the long run. If you dont start trying to see who you are and finding others who support your beliefs, you will always feel alone. Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Thanks a lot for your time, I left you a message, I hope you can find time to read it.
@soulsings
Good morning everyone, I hope you are all safe and healthy!
I am so grateful to be here to answer your questions for the next three days. I will do my best to get to each and everyone of you. Please be patient with me and remember to read the posts so as not duplicate questions. Also try to limit your questions to one per person to make it fair to others. Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW thanks for doing this AMA answering questions about therapy.
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
How much is the fish?
Do you have any recommendations for healing from childhood trauma? My parents left me home alone from a very young age while they worked and lived two states away and it was lonely and left me numb in childhood. On top of that, my father was really short tempered and verbally abusive. Small things often set him off and I feared him. Because of all this, I struggled to relate to others and still feel that today. I really want to overcome what that did to me: the insecurity, lack of love, anxiety, depression and inability to express myself. I worry that growing up that way will prevent me from living a normal life.
@modestWatermelon2938
Hello and thank you for your question. I cant imagine what it would be like to live alone before you are prepared to do so. What you are talking about is something called parentification. This is the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent or sibling. In extreme cases, the child is used to fill the void of the alienating parents emotional life.
Two distinct types of parentification have been identified technically: instrumental parentification and emotional parentification. Instrumental parentification involves the child completing physical tasks for the family, such as looking after a sick relative, paying bills, or providing assistance to younger siblings that would normally be provided by a parent. Emotional parentification occurs when a child or adolescent must take on the role of a confidant or mediator for (or between) parents or family members.
Additionally you described emotional abuse by your father, and a lack of support by both parents (emotional abandonment) These situations send a child messages.
It is important to understand that we learn how to value ourselves by the what we are taught as children. Some things we are taught are given in obvious lessons but other things we are taught are delivered to us in "messages" and sent to us by the important people in our lives. We interpret those messages and hold them close to our hearts. You could say they write on the slate of who we become. The problem is sometimes those messages are wrong or we misinterpret them.
You see as children we are very much attune to what the important people in our lives tell us. We collect the messages they say/send to us in very methodical ways. What they say matters, because they are older, wiser, or important to us. We literally cannot live without them in some cases, so we rely highly on their opinions. People like our parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, etc.
really matter.
They send us messages all the time. Even if they don't mean to. Like your other therapist said, your parents possibly didnt understand how what they did and said was affecting you and how it affects you now.
These messages come in the form of what they say, don't say, what they do, or don't do. They can be responses to us or others. They can be a lack of response, reactions, or things we overhear. But everything is interpreted by us and sends us a message about who we are and our importance to them and our place in the world. So when a parent leaves us in a role that is not appropriate for are age, fails to protect us, is absent emotionally or physically, is emotionally abusive etc. it sends us a message about our value and importance. It teaches us a lesson about trusting our intuition, instincts, and allowing ourselves to "feel". It can cause it not to do things or to do things. As can other experiences we have in life.
Our value is then calculated and measured. It creates our self-worth and our place in the world. It creates our self-esteem and intrinsic nature. It may cause us to create boundaries we may not have created or put up with behavior we may not otherwise, to compensate. It can cause anxiety, depression, phobia and even to lose ourselves. It causes resentment and rebellion in relationships (like kissing another person) and even inappropriate guilt. If we don't question these beliefs, they can become fixed and we script our behaviors on them. Does this make sense?
We have to learn how to value ourselves, question those messages and understand those triggers are from the past not the present. I urge you seek help from a professional.
Here is a link about how parentification impacts adults for more information https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3471375/ I hope this helps Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Thank you Cynthia. This mostly makes sense. I guess the takeaway is to focus on self-esteem and self-worth? Can you confirm?
@modestWatermelon2938
Yes that is true. You are a person of value and worth, Surrounding yourself with people who send you that message and sending that message to yourself is what matters from here. Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Thank you Cynthia. I appreciate it.
Hello,
I'm writing because after going through some new feeling experiences in the last months, I felt the need of talking to someone about my personal feelings and such, and also the need to focus more on what's going on in my brain and what I am exactly feeling and why in particular situations.
Do you have any suggestions about some kind of "self-therapy", some course or some guidelines that I could get in order to start better looking into my feelings and know how to relate to them? I would really appreciate some questions for example that I could ask myself, because I find it hard to concentrate on my issues alone without any hint.
Is there any source where I can find targeted questions in order to start working on myself? I am new to this field, that's why I thought you might know some methods that you think are best and more targeted to a subject (in my case I am interested in managing my emotions, but also understanding why certain things keep happening to me with apparently no important reason in a particular situation, so looking into my reactions in order to understand a little better what's going on and how to cope with it).
Thank you in advance for your response!
Wishing you a great day!
@RinaP
Hello and thank you for reaching out and sharing your questions today. There are many self-help online programs you can attend via internet, but it depends on where you live and what you have access too. In addition, it would help me to know the emotions you are feeling or what you mean by certain things keep happening to me in order to give you specific prompts for you to target your writing toward. There are a few books I can recommend to help you be more in the moment;
The Power of Now
Zen And the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Way of the Peaceful Warrior
I hope this will help Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Dear Cynthia,
thank you very much for your answer and for the books you suggested me.
I'm not sure I can write here where I live, but I believe that I can have access to pretty much everything online, I really appreciate suggestions because, as we all know, the web is full of content and it's hard sometimes to understand what to look for and where.
About the emotions I feel, sometimes it's hard for me to distinguish them clearly. Maybe I feel overall nervous and a little angry or stressed, but many times I'm not focusing the reason. Sometimes I can feel more nervous and this can make it hard for me to start my working day and to continue working and doing my job. I have some difficulty in stopping and focusing my thoughts and emotions, I always get the feeling that I want to shift away from thinking about any problem at all. And this brings me sometimes to the point where someone might ask me "what's going on?" and I hardly know what to answer, I get the feeling that something started in my mind that made me nervous or angry or sad, but then I lose track of what's going on, all the situation gets confused and in the end, when all the "storm" and more acute feelings are gone, I just end up not thinking about it anymore, leaving all behind as if nothing happened, but this gives me the feeling that I didn't understand a thing and at this moment of life I would like to start looking into situations better and trying to understand a little more if I can.
When I said "certain things keep happening to me with apparently no reason" I meant that I notice having the same reactions all the time to some situations or people, but my reaction somehow doesn't seem connected to what happened and looks exaggerated.
I'm giving an example: there is a person with whom I'm always having trouble, this person might come to me and we could exchange a few words without saying anything particularly heavy or important, but sometimes, after we speak, I can get a strong feeling of anger and start feeling nervous, even so nervous that I stop all my activities. Sometimes even after a couple of senteces my day was ruined and I occasionally even had some drinks, because I felt angry and nervous and wasn't able to go on working and behaving myself normally. Now the conversation we had it can be really nothing much and this person really means well, so it's clear that my reaction comes from some problem that I have inside towards this person that throws me in a situation with apparently no way out. I had this situation in my life for many years now and I really would like to try to look into it, because it's making me feel bad not to understand what goes on inside of me. I can see that my reactions are exaggerated and not really connected to the single situation, but I can't separate and analyze things in order to understand really what goes on in my head.
This is a situation that I would like to approach with some method, learning maybe where I should start, what should I ask myself in order to focus things, as I mentioned in the first message. Because it really feels like a big confusion and I don't know where to start from. That's why I mentioned something like "self-therapy".
Thank you so much for your support and sorry for the long message!
Wishing you a nice day,
@soulsings
Hello, I just got this account because I have been feeling anxious lately. I've had persistent struggles with depression and a suicide attempt when I was 15. I am 18 now. The past year or so I went to a new school and met 2 friends and I went for a year without being sad or crying. Great since I also moved to a new place after my mom died at 15 and I felt very upset for 2 years or so. The past year I have disconnected with them and now I feel anxiety that they are getting closer and leave me alone. I have other friends and family who I love, but I dont feel like I can let go of these 2 even thought they cause me anxiet. 1) because i feel i don't have enough friends without them, and i am scared to feel alone. 2) They haven't done anything substantial enough so they'll be confused why I left them. They do some things that make me feel bad but I think most of it is my anxiety. I'm sorry this is so long, and seemingly vague but thank you, and please let me know if you need clariifcation.
@courteousartBee
Hello and thank you for your thoughts. I am so sorry that you lost your mother so young. That must be very hard and would cause any to feel distress.
It would be normal for anyone to be distressed because you are more than like still grieving. In addition to that, when a person we love leaves us, no matter how, particularly when they leave us when we are so young, our subconscious mind can experience that as an abandonment. This means we may be untrusting of others because we fear they will leave us too. It may create anxiety, distrust, and the need to create extra friends in order to shore up our supply. I believe it would be best for you to understand the process of grief, the types of grief and maybe find a grief counselor to help you work through your emotions.
Here are some links that might be helpful to you https://www.happiness.com/en/magazine/health-body/eight-types-of-grief-explained/
https://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html I hope this is helpful Cynthia
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW
Thank you for taking the time to respond, have a good day ~
@CynthiaStockerLCSWLICSW Thanks, I read the articles and it was enlightening. I was hoping after 5 years some issues would go away, but I will try to find money to get a councelor one day and just live day by day for now.
I got out of a long relationship a couple of months ago. Looking back I see it was for the best and I looked back at all my previous relationships and realized a pattern. I always felt like I loved my partners more than I loved and respected myself and let them get away with a lot. Im also stubborn which didnt make anything easy. I guess my question is would therapy benefit me in working on my self esteem so I dont keep repeating this same pattern.
@scarletStrawberries9822
Good evening and thankyou for this brave question. I think many people fall into this very same pattern
we give to others before ourselves,
we treat things that matter like favors, asking for them but never insisting,
we expect others to know what our boundaries are,
we make excuses for bad behavior,
we dont people accountable which means they never learn,
we forgive and forget when we should be learning,
we create boundaries with no consequences so honoring them is optional and
we give in at the first sign or resistance. You asked if therapy might help you. The answer is yes! In order to understand why you do this and help build the skills need stop the patterns, having an objective observer would mostly be productive. Remember these are just skills. You can learn them. Think of it as math not magic. 😊 Cynthia
