Handling a bad experience with a Listener
I hope this is the correct place to post this. I'm looking to get feedback and advice regarding an experience with a listener. I would like to take be proactive.
I was talking a Listener about a traumatic event. While in the middle of explaining what had happened, I was asked if I was venting or if I actually needed help with a problem. The Listener was somewhat polite, but I did find this to not be a knowledgable approach to handling another person's trauma. i do understand most people are not trained in a trauma-informed approach.
I do understand the difference between venting and constructive problem solving. We had been talking for a period of time and maybe the Listener was wondering where the conversation was heading exactly. There may have been a more skilled way of approaching the situation. I was left feeling invalidated and deflated. Unfortunately, the moment he chose to ask was directly in the middle of a very real and raw piece of the story. I wasn't sure when the conversation itself was going to have a conclusion. I was going with the flow of the conversation.
I blocked the user and I left a small summary of what had happened. I think what would have been more beneficial was if I had given direct feedback to the user. I was too emotional to do so at the time.
I am sorry to hear you had to experience that, that is tough. I was recently in a similar situation, and when I provided the listener with feedback and let them know why I felt invalidated they stopped the chat and blocked me. Im assuming it was so I could not give them a review, but it did not give me a chance to say all that I wanted either. It may seem silly, but it could be helpful to journal about your experience (I.e., how it made you feel, and what you would like to say to this person if ever given the chance). I know it’s not the same as speaking to the person, but i found it to be helpful for me, so I wanted to pass it along just in case.
Hi there ;) Sorry to Hear that ... If you want to try again I am happy to be Here for you. If you want to give me a Chance Just Message and I'll answer as soon as I see it. Wish you all the best. Speak Up
@philosophicalOrange2454 Yes, it's possible that listeners sometimes block members to avoid reviews.
If you know the listener's name, you can still report them in the Help Center: Submit a request
Feel free to message me if you'd ever like to chat.
Charlie
@philosophicalOrange2454
Hi phiolosophicalOrange, thank-you for understanding and sharing your experience with me. I am usually aware that I may not make a match with a Listener or that not everyone is helpful. It did catch me by surprise this time because initially the Listener had an ability to listen, understand and validate. Directly before I was asked if I was venting, I was encouraged to open up further. Then as I was sharing the depth of the story, I felt that I was cut off.
Journaling is a wise suggestion. I may sort it out over this forum instead because I struggle to be alone with my thoughts. However, journaling is a skill I'd like to develop. It would be useful in this case. Definitely, thank-you for passing along.
Hi Curi0sity, I am really sorry to hear that. Glad you left a summary of what happened. If you need someone to talk to I am happy to be here for you. Talked about traumatic experience with some Users Here and in real Life (studying psychotherapy) Not a promise to handle it perfect. But Happy to be Here for you If you want me too... If Just write and I'll answer asap. Best Regards, Speak Up
@SpeakUpMentalhealth
Hi,
I would definitely love to take you up on your offer. Thank-you so much! Especially as you are able to idefinitely that you have some experience on here with trauma based experiences and are studying psychotherapy. That would be very helpful.
Love your name btw!
Cheers!
Curi0sity
@Curi0sity I think what you've written here is very insightful.
7 Cups has recently advised listeners that more focus on problem-solving is "best practice". I think it's possible that your listener might have been trying to follow that advice.
You are correct in your understanding that 7 Cups does not provide listeners with any training in trauma-informed approaches. The recent advice we received doesn't mention trauma at all. Yes, listeners are generally unskilled in managing therapeutic approaches. Just listening is difficult enough, but going beyond that and playing at being a therapist without professional training is much more challenging.
I think you were correct to block the listener and summarize what happened. As a result of your report, the listener will be encouraged to chat with a mentor about how to improve, and that's possibly going to be more effective than direct feedback from you at the time would have been.
In future chats, it might be useful for you to start off by saying that you hope to be heard, valued and understood, and you don't want any kind of non-professional treatment plan. That phrase, "heard, valued and understood" is a direct quote from listener training, by the way. If any listener is unable to do that for you, then blocking and reporting are exactly the right things to do.
If you'd ever like to chat to me, by the way, feel free to click on my profile picture and message me.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Wow! Thank-you Charlie.
Your reply was enormously helpful and informative. Much needed!
It helps to have an understanding about the training that Listeners are receiving. It's also very helpful to know that mentoring will be provided. This all makes me feel significantly better and depersonalize the situation.
I can see that the Listener was probably trying to follow the guidance and training. Perhaps they didn't know how to fully incorporate it in this scenario.
I will definitely take your advice around starting off asking to be "heard, valued and understood." I was actually wondering if I should start off with a preamble in future conversations.
Thanks heaps!
Curi0sity
This is a very common problem I'm sorry this has happened. I'm hurt for you going through this when we see it happening here all the time. This is why there needs to be change with the listener training but I understand on the other hand how it can be difficult to help as I am a listener but I wouldn't do that. I would of let you vent or talk but I've had it with me,here who thought wasn't helping but they were expecting more or me to say something what will give shader to the problems. It's not like can't give an answer but it's what the best answer will be. There's no magic power to find out if it works cuz we have to find it ourselves to work it inside ourselves first and make it reality.
@TreaureSeekers3
Hi Treasure,
Thank-you for your empathetic gesture of reaching out.
What struck me is that I felt the conversation was moving in a constructive direction. I was mindful of the other person and taking cues from them. It wasn't a one-sided venting session where I was monopolozing the conversation or completely caught up in myself. I was very careful to see if it was appropriate to continue to open up.
However, the reality is that it is not trauma counseling. I may have been easing into the conversation and sharing a darker moment in my life. I was unsure where I was going or where it was ending. I initially felt that we were on the same page and then quickly realized we weren't.
Conversations in 7cups may operate a bit faster than that. I will be more careful in the future to open by prefacing the overall subject I'm talking about and what I'd like from the conversation.
The listener was polite. They did ask me if I was venting or trying to problem solve. They said either was fine, but maybe they were looking to see how to approach the conversation. It hit me hard because I wasn't venting. I am the one labeled venting as a negative and saw it as devaluing my trauma. Lessening and minimizing what I was sharing.
It is true that it is easy to look outside of ourselves for the answers. I like how you said, we have to find what work ourselves first and make it a reality.
Thank-you for your kind reply. 
Curi0sity
