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As of writing this, I have not been formally diagnosed with anything at all. However, for a while now (around a year, or so), I've felt much more detached from myself. Within that context, I simply mean that I've felt more confident as of late and as though I could do anything. However, that feeling soon comes crashing down, and I scold and shame myself for feeling such a way. The progress that I feel I've made, suddenly evaporates, and I'm nothing more than a fool. I've been conducting my own research for quite a while, and I've taken quite a few diagnostic tests and quizzes, to simply see how my wellbeing is. Each one that I've taken has indicated showing frequent symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Social Anxiety, and only recently, have they begun to show show a slight indication of there being a Personality Disorder of some sort. This is obviously not a diagnosis, nor will it ever be, however I'm worried. I'm worried that I'll begin to lose myself, as at the end of the day, I am truly alone. I feel that people take unwanted pity on me subconsciously, and simply see me as the person who can hold their own, yet is an outcast. Unwanted, and lonely, no matter what they do. I have resorted to a bit of self-harm in the past, and I have considered off*ng myself before. I do not know what to do, at all. I would perhaps reach out to the adults within my life, only I hate and distrust those who've abused me and caused trauma within my life. Namely my parents. Their one year of separation doesn't help either. They're loving, I'll give them that, but all in all, it doesn't make up for the things that they've done and said. I can't wait to be of age one day. However, for now, I'll try to find satisfaction in my life as is. I don't know if I'll ever truly be happy. I badger myself as I write this, and I'm telling myself that no one will care what I have to say. That might be true, but in spite of that, I want to live for myself. No one else matters. I apologize if that sounds selfish, yet at this point in time, that is of little concern to me. For those reading, I thank you and I apologize if anyone has become offended. I'd like to live. As much as my heart says otherwise, I say that I'd like to live. Once again, thank you for reading. (Also, I apologize if this entry doesn't make much sense.)
