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How can someone who claims to love me so much keep choosing their addictions over me?

13 Answers
Last Updated: 06/20/2017 at 5:54pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Polly Letsch, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I provide non-judgmental, person-centered, objective therapeutic treatment for individuals of all ages to improve social, emotional, mental and other areas of functioning.

Top Rated Answers
August 31st, 2015 1:59pm
For someone who has an addiction, it isn't about choice. Addiction is a disease. It's like wondering why they would choose to have pneumonia or a heart attack.
October 25th, 2016 5:13pm
This question is difficult to answer, though it's not impossible. There are a number of reasons why someone who loves you would choose their addictions over you. It's not that they don't love you, it has more to do with their self-esteem and lack of strength within themselves. In order to overcome something, you have to have the WILL and the WANT. Otherwise all the help someone tries to give them, will be for nothing. They have to want to change bad enough to make it happen.
January 16th, 2015 4:59am
Because addictions are related with body and love is related with hard. It's not impossible to give up an addiction, though at times it may be hard and one might need professional help to do so. Encouragement and patience can build up the person's lost confidence to leave the addiction.
April 13th, 2015 7:38pm
This is a very difficult question. I think it would be fair to say that the person with the addiction isn't very well and they need to do a lot of work on themselves before they can even begin to think about a relationship. It must be painful for you to be in such a relationship but I think it is important to remember that their choices are no reflection on you. They are ill and they need help. Because they are choosing their addiction over a relationship it doesn't make you any less of a person.
April 15th, 2015 7:50am
addiction is a mind thing, people have few control over it, someone just finds it easier to turn to a behavior than to a person, they love you, and you have to always show them you there for them, distract them whenever possible, my dad was alcoholic, but he always has a routine, he does work in the morning and in the afternoons he always went to the pub, so when i was older and discovered we shared the same passion in art, anytime after his work, i made sure he was helping me with my projects, building something, painting or anything, true i wasn't always there but i was assured that sometimes turning to their behavior is just a way of them passing time, the best way they know how...
May 13th, 2015 7:20am
Addiction is very complicated and often can’t be stopped easily. Addiction is a battle, and loving someone who is an addict can be very complicated.
August 24th, 2015 7:53pm
Addictions are controlling - there's no other way to put it. The thing that they're addicted to calls for them. The person can't go a certain time without it. Take drugs, for example. The drugs they're using are calling to them, mentally. The person experiences a withdrawal if they don't get the drug - shivering, sweating, clammy hands, and even nausea. Being addicted to something can control that person in ways they don't want to be controlled.
September 1st, 2015 6:34am
I completely understand the thought process behind this question ("me vs. their addiction"), but you have to understand that addicts do not choose how much impact their addiction has on their life. They are not choosing to hurt you and they probably do really love you, but being skeptical of their love for you is understandable. Eventually, the actual chemistry and functions of addicts' brains is even changed, which completely takes away their control over the situation. Addiction really is a disease. It's like if your breathing was hurting someone you love; you would probably feel horrible about it, but you still wouldn't be able to stop.
December 14th, 2015 8:09am
They have no self control and/or no self=love. The addict in them is stronger than the healthy part of them. It's not a reflection of how much they love you so don't take it personally.
May 16th, 2016 11:34pm
they don't like the addictions they have, it's just that when they had no one by their side they had things that got them addicted to them.. but now you have come in their life, slowly they'd chose you and replace their addiction with YOU. just give it some time.
May 25th, 2016 7:22pm
It isn't anything personal; they are physically addicted, some to the point where they feel like they cant live without it. it is not a projection of their love for you. just stay by their side through this (with boundaries, of course) and remember they are not their addiction
October 11th, 2016 7:11pm
Addictions are extremely hard to deal with, the amount of junkie parents who chose heroin over their children is astounding, but they don't do it because they don't love their children and want to hurt them. They do it because their brain is simply telling them to do so.
June 20th, 2017 5:54pm
Addiction is an ilnes. It is not their fault, you can not look that like it is. You must try to understande them and help them.