How can I convince myself that my friends don't hate me? I have this irrational fear that they actually hate me.
252 Answers
Last Updated: 11/03/2022 at 1:19am
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Lisa Groesz, PhD
Psychologist
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Top Rated Answers
You have to realise that friendship isn't always rainbows and butterflies. There will be times that you will be challenged and your friendship will be tested and there will be certain obstacles you will have to overcome. Friends may turn around and be salty or blunt with you but at the end of the day, if they hated you- they wouldn't be your friend. Hate is a very strong word, yeah friends get upset with you and you will have your arguments here and there but if you want that reassurance- just ask them. It will take guts and willpower, but you will feel better getting it off your chest.
Do good to them and try to find some friends who do not hate you. Also you need to understand if it is some sort of bullying, by your friends. Then you need to take all the necessary steps to prevent being bullied. It is their decision to hate or not hate you. This is most important thing to understand. From your side you can only do good. You can concentrate on things in your control. Like gaining friends through, studying well, good marks, sports or any other things which you like, interests you to do. Then based on that people will like to be your friend.
Realizing that your fear is irrational is a great first step. Everyone experiences social anxiety from time to time. When you find yourself succumbing to fears like these, take a mental time out. Then rationalize why you are feeling this way. Figuring out what triggers these feelings is an important part of learning to cope with them. All the self-doubt, anxiety and fear that you are feeling; those around you feel lot the same way. Even if they won’t admit it. Reach out to someone close to you and trustworthy, and let them know how you are feeling.
If you can call them friends then I do not think they hate you. But if it is something you have internalized and truly believe that your friends don't like you I think a good idea would be to talk to some of them and tell them how you feel. Do they give you reason to believe that they hate you? Do they exclude you from activities? Or is it just a feeling you have? Talk with them and tell them that you have this irrational fear you can't seem to shake and let them assure you that they care about you and love you, and then believe it when they tell you.
Anonymous
May 6th, 2022 6:02pm
Personally, I struggled with this all through high school. It was questioning everything said and seeing it as a personal threat. One way I was able to tone it down was taking a step back and recognizing that they are my friends and not my enemies. It was tough at first but it began to help in terms of not taking playful jokes and seeing them as personal attacks. Once you get over that first hump its clear waters from there. If its not, thats completely fine. We all function diffrently, I would then try and have a conversation describing my doubts and anxiety!
Anonymous
June 25th, 2016 1:14pm
Nobody would cope with anyone if they actually hate them. Remember that. If you still have the fear, go up to them and ask them.
Don't be a victim of overgeneralization and filtering. Sometimes, you may feel that they've always behaved in a bad way, based on one experience, which may not be true. At other times, even if you see something positive, you may be filtering it out and focusing only on the negative. If these two work together, you'll find yourself in an anxiety loop. If you objectively observe, you'll realise that it isn't really true. Besides, they've not actually told you that they hate you, have they? Why do you need to assume then?
Anonymous
June 27th, 2018 10:42am
by talking to them about it, to share your feelings with them, to show love and peace, and help them. to talk
Anonymous
June 27th, 2018 11:27am
you dont have to convince yourself that they like you, its either they like you or not, even if you convince yourself that they like you, you 'll not be happy after you find out they dont. so test their bond with you, if they are worth it , be with them, if they're not leave them and make some new friends
Anonymous
July 1st, 2018 1:08am
You're fearing your friends because you think they hate you and it's making you a bit stressed. Try taking a few deep breaths, but also you could try talking to family members or try bringing the situation to light.
Anonymous
July 5th, 2018 8:29am
The best way to get over this irrational fear is to sit down with your friends and tell them how you feel
to Have a feeling like this means there is some level of low self esteem at work. And maybe a loss of connection to some friends for whatever reason. If they are your friends you should talk to them about how you feel and that way they can tell you how they feel about you and you’ll be surprised how much your friends will want to help once you open up. And you’ll feel a lot closer to them from then on.
Anonymous
July 25th, 2018 4:57am
You should talk it out with them. Communication is key especially since you’re having second guessed on the relationship between them.
Talk to them. Hang out together and discover each other's interests. That way, you can find out that maybe your fear was a fake after all.
Sometimes it is hard to believe that the people around us actually like us when we are feeling bad about ourselves but as long as you can trust and count on your friends, it proves that they don't hate you and will be there for you no matter what.
Talk to them. Ask them if they hate you. I promise you they will start saying how much they love you.
Well for one you are starting here by asking for some things that might help you. Good job! Maybe just ask your friends 1 time and share openly with them why you are asking. Share on your fear of this. If they are good friends they would want to help and support you.
Irrational fear are based on unhelpful thinking and not based on facts. Friends do not hate each other. A true friend supports, trusts and honors each other.
Anonymous
May 11th, 2022 1:39am
You can ask then if they hate you. Also you can see how they interact with you. Do they engage in conversation or are they focused on other things. Do they invite you to do things with them or talk with you often. If they do they most likely don't hate you. With irrational fears it can be hard to combat but small steps helpif you feel you donʻt matter to yourself, the people around you who you do matter too, yourself will think it is a lie. So first make sure you know you matter to yourself, and then ask if you matter to others.. Spend more time with them and make connections.
I believe that the real thought process here should not be based so much on whether or not my friends like or hate me, but more along the lines of how I value myself and what I use to validate myself. If I am using the opinions of my friends as some form of self-validation, then I need to reevaluate what it is that's really important to me because as I move through life, friends are going to come and go. That is a simple fact and no matter how much I wish it were different, that is not something that is going to be avoidable. I actually have to learn how to validate myself on what I find to be important to me and then allow myself to attract people to me, who can share and respect who I am, and then those are the people that I am going to want lifelong and sustaining friendships with because they are people who get me.
Anonymous
October 25th, 2018 8:14pm
You can try and practice self love and improve your self esteem. Try and learn that it’s all in your head this fear and that they do like you, you need to believe it and try to not overthink. Otherwise you will feel like your not a good person or friend for anyone. It’s something that you can work on by learning to love yourself. As cringe as it sounds when you do it you feel more confident and have more self belief, this will make you doubt yourself less especially when your around others like your friends in this situation.
Anonymous
March 12th, 2022 5:51am
Fear of acceptance is a very normal feeling to have. Also in another hand what makes you who you are might be why they are your friends. Too be is by a great writer my also be not too. If they already accept you why want, when you already have it. If they are your friends then simply ask. If you don't then you may go unanswered, until you see you worried for all the wrong reasons. If not then simply ask your closest friend about your worries. I do not mean to seem proud, but I do know friends will tell you the truth even if it hurts.
First ask yourself why you think this, they hate you what causes that thought? Next is that thought valued in knowing your friends, and if it is you need to get some new friends, but if itʻs not then realize that and keep your friends. Know this who ever it is you think hates you, in all honesty the important thing is that you love you, and you know that, is true. You should matter first to yourself and then others, because in all honesty if you feel you donʻt matter to yourself, the people around you who you do matter too, yourself will think it is a lie. So first make sure you know you matter to yourself, and then ask if you matter to others.
Anonymous
September 12th, 2018 2:06am
You can ask then if they hate you. Also you can see how they interact with you. Do they engage in conversation or are they focused on other things. Do they invite you to do things with them or talk with you often. If they do they most likely don't hate you. With irrational fears it can be hard to combat but small steps help. Spend more time with them and make connections. Convincing yourself can be hard but overtime and with experimenting and observing it can become easier. You can also ask yourself why would they hate me? Is this fear really logical?
I actually used to get my more patient friends to challenge my anxious and depressive thoughts. This is something you can learn to do yourself over time, and really helps to deal with them. Until you can do it yourself, it helps to have a friend calmly challenge those thoughts and explain logically why it's wrong.
They can do this verbally, but I liked to write all my anxious thoughts down and then have them write down their challenges. That way, I could read it back when I had those same thoughts again :) It's based on CBT techniques; if you're able to access CBT this can be very helpful. If not, there's a 'little book of CBT' on Amazon which teaches many of the exercises for a fraction of the price of therapy!
I have felt this exact same way. You have to understand that if they "hated" you, they wouldn't want to be around you and/or be friends with you. They continue to have a relationship with you and I am sure they enjoy hanging out with you, which tells you that they definitely don't hate you. It is sometimes hard to believe that others like us when we often have things that we dislike about ourselves.
Anonymous
June 9th, 2022 8:54pm
Everyone feels like this at some point within their lives, and just know you are not alone. Before you worry, think to yourself these three questions:
1.) Have they specifically told you they feel this way?
2.) Can you remember the last time they laughed at a joke, asked to hang out with you, said hi first, asked how you were, or shown care for you? If so, it is very unlikely that they hate you.
3.) If they really do hate you, why would they spend time with you, and be your friend?
Just know you can always talk to them, and they do care
Anonymous
November 9th, 2018 5:59pm
Look at things in a rational sense. If your friends hated you, or even disliked you then there would be conflict and they would avoid spending time around you. I understand this feeling 100% but by stepping back and taking a serious look at moments that have happened can help to calm you down. Many people will deal with this anxiety about being disliked by the people around them so I am sure that if you mention it to a friend they can help to reassure you that your presence is cherished and they love having you as a friend.
Anonymous
August 11th, 2018 1:13pm
what is this hatred based off? because it may be that it is based off of little insecurities that may be getting in the way. you may need to investigate what these insecurities are
Anonymous
August 12th, 2018 11:25am
Your friends are chosen family .
They don’t HAVE to be around you or HAVE to tell you they care for you .
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