How can I convince myself that my friends don't hate me? I have this irrational fear that they actually hate me.
Last Updated: 12/03/2021 at 5:47am
Anna Pavia, psicologa psicoterapeuta psychotherapist psychologist counselor
Licensed Professional Counselor
I feel my work as my personal mission and I love it. My work with clients is nonjudgmental, supportive. I am a very good listener. I use several approaches. Amo il mio lavoro.
Top Rated Answers
take a step back and think, if they are reaching out to you daily and wanting to make plans then there is something about you they enjoy, and enjoy being with you.
Just be real and honest that's all. The more you try to impress others, people will only think that you're trying to act smart than them. So just be humble and generous.
You might ask them if you arnt confident then do tests like ask them how you would feel if you went.
Think of all the good times you've had with them, and know if they have a problem with you they'll tell you.
you can ask yourself why it is your feeling this way? you can also talk to one of our many listeners to maybe help ease your worries
Learning to love yourself and be happy with who you are is the fastest way to cure this way of thinking. If you can't love yourself first, your mind will start to think that others may not as well. Keep your head up, you can do this. :-)
Recognizing that your fear is "irrational" is the first step. If you see them as your friends, most likely they see you as their friend as well. Hatred is a strong emotion and usually does not require questioning whether or not it exists.
Try to start with the fact that you think these thoughts are "irrational". Are they irrational? Or is there sufficient reason for you to be feeling this way? Then consider the concept of fear? Is the idea of your friends hating you, the thing you are afraid of? Or the thought of you not having friends? Being Alone?
Reassure yourself that you are worth liking and loving and people will see how you are caring and compassionate and have a lot to offer
You may just need to have a conversation with these friends. To clear up any doubts you may have. Its hard to do but if you put the effort in you can be saving your friendships
Know that people who spend time with you do so because they want to. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too so dont worry that what you are doing is wrong, everyone gets self conscious that maybe they enjoy hanging out with their other friends more but some of your friends may think the same about you.
I would tell myself every morning and every night that my friends think I'm wonderful. and when that fear comes into my head I will keep telling myself they don't hate me.
Remind yourself that even though you have these 'reasons' for thinking like this, are any of them actually valid? Was that person maybe having a bad day which made them say something you didn't like? If not then your invalid fears should be replaced with a mantra like "They ARE my friends."
If you have a "gut" feeling of your friends despising you, ask them yourself. You're never going to get reassurance by standing around and waiting for signs.
Work on your self-confidence: believe that you are a person worthy of great, supportive friends. Additionally, perhaps you can look for new and different friends with whom you feel comfortable around.
Remind yourself of the fact that they don't hate you, of the logic behind hanging out with you, otherwise, Ask them. Mention your irrational fear to some of your closer friends, and ask them to help you with it. I had that fear for so long growing up, because I was picked on a lot. So when I finally did make friends I was afraid they hated me and would hate me. and then I realized, If they did, they wouldn't hang out with me, or talk to me as much as they do. They wouldn't give me hugs or play dumb games in the yard, they wouldn't do any of that. So. that's a pretty good way of convincing yourself, in my opinion. Neutral logic rant and yeah.
I can convince myself that my friends don't hate me by slowly opening myself to communication with them and carefully observing their behaviour. If it is an irrational fear it could be tested by putting myself in real situations and being sincere with them. It is possible to admit to someone that we fear he/she hates us. In the background of this fear I would put oversensitivity and selfcriticism. Also...more important is that we become aware of the fact that maybe we hate ourselves?
Talk to them, if you can't for some reason or you're not ready to yet. Look to see what makes you feel this way and try to understand why this is happening.
Think about all the good times you've experienced with your friends. The little things mean a lot .!
Talk to them. people change so sometimes they will find they wanna hang out with this person, then a bit later they wanna hang out with you! but it doesnt mean they hate you
I keep a list of nice things my friends have said about me. It includes compliments and descriptions of moments when I felt connected to them and that we were really friends. Then I try to read it when I'm feeling lonely or as if no one likes me.
I smile at them whenever my eyes meet theirs and if they smile at me back I have a positive feeling that they don't at least hate me. But if they don't or give some irritated expression, I try to assume they may be in a bad mood or may be they envy something about me. I never did harm to anyone in my life, not intentionally at least and I'm confident about it. All I try to do is impress myself first, those who actually deserve me will get impressed by their own. And if they don't deserve me I can only show a supportive behavior towards but I can't force them to like me. It depends on their mentality how they're seeing the things
Try to have faith in yourself. Ask your friends what they like about you. You might be pleasantly surprised! They wouldn't be your friends if they didn't like you.
Your irrational fear is exactly that - irrational. Pay attention to how your friends treat you and remind yourself, that a person that hates another doesn't treat someone with kindness, compassion, etc.
This is not an unusual problem and it's something you might want to talk to a therapist about. In my experience though, sometimes I've been obsessed with whether or not someone hated me, but when I stepped back I realized I didn't even like that person in the first place. I was focusing on how they felt about me to avoid thinking about how I felt about them.
I would ask myself if those friends are those type of people? Do they often talk about others when that person isn't around, do the make fun of other people? Then decide on the probability once you have your answer.
You do say in your question that it is irrational, so on some level you do know it is. Try making a list of evidences. Make two columns: "evidence that my friends hate me" and "evidence that my friends are ok with me". Also, try to figure out the root of your irrationality. Ask yourself why do you feel this way. Perhaps you are hard on yourself or have low self-esteem?
I have struggled with feeling like my friends - and everyone else - hate me, but I was taught the 'table' technique. Every table needs four legs to stay standing up, so my irrational fear is the table top, and I need four 'legs' - i.e., proof - to support it. If I cannot find four legs to support the table, then the belief/fear isn't real. My friends don't really hate me. Also, at times I just check it out with the friend. "Hey, I feel like there is something wrong between us - do you feel there is anything wrong?"
I understand how you feel. Sometimes I get that fear too that other people like my friends don't truly like or care for me, especially if they are quiet and don't reach out. What specifically makes you think that your friends hate you? Do you think that they have reason to hate you because of the traits that you have, or because they don't treat you well? Think about it this way: if they are happily spending time with you, then they most likely find something in you that you don't know exists. Do you think they would spend so much time with you if they don't enjoy your company? If the problem is that your friends don't treat you well, then maybe it is best to reconsider the relationships you have with them or at least communicate with them about how you both truly feel.
If you honestly feel trapped and worried, try talking to them openly. This can be very scary, but could help tremendously! Otherwise, if you feel uncomfortable talking to them, think of your friends' personalities and whether they're acting differently around you or not, if not, then try to relax. If they do, maybe you should really talk to them - it helps take pressure off of one' s chest.
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