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How can I convince myself that my friends don't hate me? I have this irrational fear that they actually hate me.

252 Answers
Last Updated: 11/03/2022 at 1:19am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Lisa Groesz, PhD

Psychologist

With evidenced based therapies, we find the root of the problem together to implement solutions. We all face crises, transitions, or disorders at some time.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
October 25th, 2020 11:22am
It can be hard to stop worrying about whether people like you or not, even if you believe your fear is irrational. It is good to identify why you are having these thoughts. Ask yourself, what is the evidence for and against this belief? Remember, there is a reason why your friends choose to speak to you and spend time with you. Nobody is forcing them; it is their choice. If they didn't like you, why would they be your friends? Prehaps take some time to ask them what drew them to you in the first place and what they think of you now. You may surprised by their answers!
Anonymous
October 30th, 2020 3:39pm
I've experienced the same thing. I'd start by focusing on yourself. Make a list about all of the good things about yourself and why people would want to be your friend. This may be difficult, but it is worth the effort. Knowing the fear is irrational is a great place to start. Adding those concrete reasons why it is irrational will help. Next, you could tell your friends how you're feeling so they can support you in the way you need to help quench this fear. Another option would be to talk to a trusted person like a therapist or teacher. They could explore this issue deeply with you.
CaringPeach
November 7th, 2020 12:42am
Sometimes we allow our insecurity to cloud the reality and our judgement, and sometimes your fear can be indicator of the truth - that unfortunately not everyone is a real friend. You need to reflect on past situations, compare when and who sparks this fear, and is it truly fear that they hate you. It might be something else. Try to find out what triggers the fear of hate, something you do or something they do. Know yourself first, then you can learn to read situations better and that will be your compass in life. I am available to chat if interested. Stay safe and be kind to yourself and others.
dreamyt
November 18th, 2020 12:45pm
I may not know you, but I'm pretty sure your friends don't hate you. I mean, if they did, they would not be friends with you, right? Because no one's forcing them to be your friend. And if you feel like they're only being your friend to be nice, I don't really think people would hang out with anyone they hate just to be nice to them. That would be a lot of effort. It might be hard to believe, but you have so many good qualities that your friends see in you and that's why they want to be your friend. I feel the same way sometimes, but I know deep down that they actually don't hate me. Sometimes your friends may seem distracted, but that's probably because they have things going on in their lives that they're thinking about. At the end of the day, your friends like you for who you are, which is why they talk to you. You have some really good qualities that they like, and don't let yourself believe otherwise!!
tranquilSunset12
December 3rd, 2020 8:36pm
I have felt similar fears that my peers don't think i'm smart, that I am going to loose my job. After continuing this cycle in my head, it exhausted me and made me physically sick and nauseous. I came to a point where I realized that my feelings of low self worth came from inside of me, not from anyone else. If others gave me a strange look, I would start coming up with all sorts of reasons why I had failed as a person, when almost every time when I checked with the peer they had something going on in their own life not to do with me at all. After awhile I had to start doing personal growth exercises on 7 cups and research I found and started going to therapy. I did more journal reflections on my feelings of why I was the one having these feelings and what things I can do to remind myself of who I really am. I realized that no one else will dictate how I feel. How did I do that? By writing out my feelings, coming back and reflecting. Many times my initial feelings were so strong that I could not see beyond that one moment. But, when I went to look back I realized many things were incorrect. Alot of times I would project my feelings of low confidence and hate for myself onto other people. Therefore, I would see the feelings I was having in the other person when they were not there at all. Making this distinction is a start to let you know "hey, it's me feeling this way", then you have control and can start dealing with those feelings each day.
StarFox85
December 16th, 2020 1:45pm
I would say that the important thing is not to "convince yourself" of anything. You have an opportunity here for self-exploration, a chance to get to know yourself better than you do now. I would ask myself why it is I am anxious about my friends feelings about me. Are there things they are doing or saying which cause me to feel that they hate me or does this feeling seemingly come out of the blue and for no reason which I can put my finger on? If my friends are treating me badly, mocking me, being cruel to me and talking smack about me behind my back then I would consider getting new and kinder friends in my circle. If they are not doing anything to cause these feelings then I would speak to them openly about how I am feeling, explain that I know they are not trying to make me feel this way but ask them for reassurance. There is no shame in asking for reassurance if that is what you need. Honest and open relationships are the best kind and true friends will react with concern and compassion if approached for reassurance.
Anonymous
January 1st, 2021 7:08am
I would say that the best way to disprove your fear is to have some conversations with your friends about your fears and how much you appreciate having them in your life. It might seem like it will be embarrassing to bring this up randomly, but it is easier to transition into talking about your feelings while catching up with each other on recent events, ex. you could say "I've been feeling a little down recently and I'm anxious that the people who know me don't actually appreciate me." It is difficult to take the first steps to healthy and concise expression of your emotions, but it can certainly help the other person sympathize with how you feel and also disprove your irrational fear.
Anonymous
January 14th, 2021 8:23pm
We have to first acknowledge our thoughts. Overthinking can lead you to question your entire life, your choices and in this case your relationships with others. Overthinking is a matter of possibility, we are expending so much of our time weighing out events that hasn't even happened yet ! Once you've gotten ahold of your thoughts, it's time to ask yourself, is there any physical and direct proof that they hate you ? Be logical here, a simple "seen" might not be a sign of hatred. Look for the more toxic actions. From my experience, I remind myself of my thoughts and try to navigate through them as best as possible.
Anonymous
January 17th, 2021 7:57am
First ask why do I feel this way? Our attitudes matters a lot. Change your attitude to a positive one and many things can change in your life. We say that what l feel about others, what I see in others is all about myself. My judgement about depends on what are my attitudes. If I want to shape my personality, have high self esteem I am to check always my attitudes whether it is positive or negative. You will realize that what is happening within you is exactly what you portray to others it is what we refer as projection.
kindnessisamust
January 23rd, 2021 3:50am
When you have an irrational fear, it is a good idea to write down your thoughts - by writing them down, you may gain a better understanding of your thoughts. You can write down any "evidence" which supports your belief that your friends hate you. How much "evidence" can you come up with? Not much, I'd assume. For the "evidence" you did come up with, could you be misinterpreting the "evidence"? Now think about all the evidence to refute your belief - For example, "My friends checked up on me", "My friends seemed happy to see me", and so on. Hope this helps :)
Anonymous
January 29th, 2021 8:28pm
In order to convince yourself that your friends don’t hate you I think you have to think about the many possible reasons they have to like you. What do you give to your friends? How do you change their lives for the better? You could express your worries to your friends. You call them friends. Friends don’t hate friends. Do you like or love your friends? Why do you think they actually hate you? If they hate you they have to have a reason. How did you become friends? What do you do together? I suggest you think deeply and remind yourself that you do have great friends.
Anonymous
February 2nd, 2021 3:12am
Put yourself in your friends' shoes for a second! Could you bear to be associated or even be in the same vicinity as somebody you genuinely dislike for a prolonged period of time? They are friends with you, they are there for you when you need them; would you do the same for someone you hate? Oftentimes the answer is no. Your friends' continued relationship with you is the greatest evidence that they don't hate you! All of us go through periods of self-doubt from time to time, and I think that talking to your friends about how you feel can go a long way. I hope this helped! :)
Anonymous
February 17th, 2021 7:23pm
Firstly I'd remind myself my friends wouldn't be my friends if they didn't like me. Then I'd create a jar and fill it with notes detailing happy memories we've shared. I'd write the notes after a really good day, or when I'm feeling sad to make myself smile, or I'm feeling like I want to compliment my friend(s), or I'd just write any moment I feel like I want to remember. It'd be something memorable and special I would look back on when I need to remind how myself how much I mean to them and how much they mean to me.
caringFreedom4890
February 20th, 2021 2:51pm
I have also experienced this, so I understand how difficult this could be. It may help to have a conversation with one of your friends who you would feel most comfortable with and explain how you are feeling to them. They might be able to help you realise how much they care about you, even though you may not notice it at the moment. Also, it could also help them, as they may be in a similar situation with somebody, and you could both help each other! If this doesn't help, you may not be with the right group of people, and just need to find some who appreciate you more for what you are. I wish you luck!
Anonymous
February 24th, 2021 1:18pm
Hello :) ! It sounds like you are experiecing some anxiety about how your friends think of you. Why do you think they could have those feelings about you? Are there any situations where you feel like they are there for you to support you? Tell me more about your situation and how you feel. I am here to listen to you. You are the expert of your own life so I could never give advice as good as you would do to yourself. I am here whenever you need suport or someone to listen to you! I am here when you need to talk!
Sweetcloud1101
April 9th, 2021 9:46am
Im sorry to hear you are feeling this way. It seems to me like you’re feeling anxious about being a burden to your friends, im sure you are an amazinh person and that you’re friends love you for who you are, i think this might be all on youre head, it would probably be best if you tried to talk with your friends about how you feel and if they have done something to make you feel this way. If you dont feel comfortable talking to them about it you should maybe take some time to observe them and their behaviors, but still the best option is talking it hurts more to keep stuff inside. I hope i could help you, is there anything else you want to talk about?
IllanaB
April 29th, 2021 8:21am
Focus on where these thoughts are emanating from. Have they shown signs that they hate you? What have they done to leave you feeling this way. Has anything significant happened that could have made them feel this way? Look inwardly and seek to address the source of these feelings of insecurity. Focus on your positive attributes, as you contribute to the friendship, and that is why they are your friends. Place emphasis on your strengths, and acknowledge the positives that you bring to the table. If the feeling is out of control, and you feel comfortable to do so, perhaps approach them about your feels and whether they are founded or unfounded.
reegannn333
April 29th, 2021 7:06pm
Self-talk is everything. It's a very important aspect of our mental health that a lot of people often struggle with. First, know that you're not alone and these thoughts are normal. Redirecting your thoughts can be helpful in changing your mindset. Although it may be a lot easier said than done, reminding yourself that those intrusive thoughts aren't real is a great first step. You can actually reprogram your brain by replacing negative self-talk with positive affirmations. So when the thought "My friends hate me" pops up in your mind, acknowledge that thought and cancel it out. Some people do this by literally repeating "cancel, cancel, cancel" in their head and then replace the statement by saying along the lines of "My friends love me" or "I appreciate having such great people in my life".
Believer1037
May 12th, 2021 11:09pm
Irrational fears can be very convincing if we give them time to stew. I think the best thing to do in this situation is communicate. If you're feeling like you have no value to your friends, then do something to nourish that value. Perhaps ask them how they are, or think of something that matters to them and invite them to talk about it. I find that nourishing a friendship is the best way to reassure yourself that you are a valuable and loved friend. I always feel better about myself when I do something nice for someone else. I also always feel better when I take the focus off myself and put it on someone else.
springDay0613
May 19th, 2021 6:32pm
I have felt the same way so many times! But there's one thing I've learnt and it is that a lot of what you are thinking isn't usually true. If you're friends hated you, it would be obvious enough for you to know for sure, but if you have never been 100% sure then it probably isn't true! Little things like them whispering to each other, or giggling at a joke you don't understand is usually nothing and if you really do feel this way, it's always best to bring it up and ask them about it. This will help to clear any confusion or miscommunication and will make you feel better!
CalmingSoul2193
May 21st, 2021 3:03pm
This is a common thing firstly, so don't judge yourself for thinking like this. So you don't have to convince yourself for anything.. rather observe why this thought originates.. do they belittle you, trest you badly or are you projecting your past onto them? You really have to go on a journey of self discovery and observation. You will find your answer with that. Also, start taking care of yourself and loving yourself so their opinion of you doesn't even matter. You can also focus on building your self-esteem and confidence by achieving targets which you set for yourself. Stay blessed, you are an awesome person and I wish you all the best :)
cuddlyBerry76
May 21st, 2021 7:17pm
First you start loving yourself, your irrational fear starts from the way you perceive yourself. And even after that if you feel the same, it might be paranoia. You can seek professional help for the paranoia. I too once had a similar fear, I had a feeling that everyone is plotting against me. But seeking professional help helped me identify the root cause of my irrational fear and get it resolved. If the feeling is just related to your friends I would also suggest you to try out having an open conversation with them. Good luck and be strong!
BubblesandBerries
May 26th, 2021 5:03am
This is completely understandable and I myself have struggled with these intrusive thoughts. What helps me is reminding myself that they wouldn't be my friends if they really hated/disliked me. Another reminder is taking a trip down memory lane. I combat the negative thoughts by flooding my mind with all the positive ones! With the positive memories outweighing the what if's, I already feel better. Another technique that helps but does require courage is active communication with your friends. We all have different love languages, but we can all compromise to remind each other that we love them in a way that they don't have to question. So, asking for some reassurance goes a long way! This can even be met subtly by playing a question game or doing a challenge like an association game. Hope this helps! You are loved :)
peacefulOcean1879
June 10th, 2021 3:34am
This is hard, but I think the best solution is one that is both internal and external. Externally, make sure you have friend who treat you well, and if they don't, either distance yourself from them or discuss the issue with them. Once you have friends you support you, you have a great foundation that will allow you to do internal work without any stress. At this point, you should start finding ways to work on your own self esteem. There are resources for this on 7 Cups, but there are also many other resources and many ways of improving your self esteem. It's important to find a combination of exercises and activities that work for you.
royalRiver7128
July 29th, 2021 5:10pm
Sometimes the best thing to do in these scenarios is to be direct. It may be a bit awkward, but open up about this irrational fear with your friends. If they are your true friends, they will be understanding and reassure you that they do not hate you. It will be a good way to test how well they support you by opening up to them. If you are not able to be direct with them and bring this up with them, it is also comforting to note that there are plenty of people to hang out with in the world. If your friends are spending time with you consistently, they clearly like you!
fantasticPower9685
August 5th, 2021 10:15am
Look for positive signs that they care about you. When you are looking depressed, do they check on you? Are they happy at your success and joyful moments? Do they make you part of their plans when they hang out? If there is any sign of any of the above, then definitely they cannot be hating you and it is probably your mind playing tricks on you. Go on and enjoy your friends. You could even read the book - How to win friends and influence people, just to be sure you have some strategies up your sleeve whenever you are filled with self doubt.
Anonymous
August 25th, 2021 6:09am
Most times it just helps to talk to them about it. It's normal to feel that way sometimes at least for me. Maybe try to see when you feel this way the most, based on the situation try to talk to them about it and try to be very clear about it. Ideally, they would comfort you about it and you'll feel much better overall. Also, try to think about things like, if they hated you why would they hang out with you? Mostly this stems off of an insecurity, so if you can reach the core of it, you would most likely be able to figure it out. Best of luck!
Cactuslover57
September 9th, 2021 4:11am
I can try to think of all the good times, and all the times that we were smiling and having fun, at least this is what I did. It can seem really difficult at times, but it’ll get better. Personally; I talk to my friends and try to convince myself that they don’t hate me, while I’m talking to them. You can try to work it out with them and hopefully, things will be okay. If you are still convinced that they hate you, maybe seek help from an outside source because they have a different perspective than what you do.
Anonymous
November 10th, 2021 7:24am
It's not going to be a one-and-done type of answer. You're going to have to work on this over time. But you clearly *know* it isn't true, you said so your self that it's irrational. Meaning you know that they actually like you -- How do you know? Even though knowing doesn't always help the other feeling to go away, keep reminding yourself, look at the evidence that points to them liking you and reinforce that to battle that feeling. Do they remember your birthday or the things that you like? Do they make plans to hang out with you? Try to cheer you up? Text you, send you gifs and memes, call you, snap you? And then beyond that work on proving to yourself that you are, in general, a worthy and likeable person! One thing that always helps for me is: animals. I have this belief that if they like you, there's no ulterior motive there. Well, okay, maybe they're hoping you'll feed them treats, but they're not going to pretend to like you and then ditch you. If the average dog wags their tail at you (I mean there's always going to be some that have their own issues and won't want anything to do with anybody) or cats generally don't hiss at you, you're golden. You are, at a very basic level at the core of your being, a likeable person. Look for all the signs that you are likeable. No matter how small or trivial they may seem. And repeat them to yourself. Eventually you'll see that whatever nice gestures you are seeing from your friends are because they genuinely like you and not some niceness-act they put on to mask their hate for you. You'll believe that they like you when you believe that you're likeable.
flipflop275
December 11th, 2021 5:05am
Well, the universe has a very simple rule. You attract what you believe to be true. This is why you have to start looking at yourself in a different light. Spend time on the things you enjoy doing. Recognize what your strengths are. If you feel positive about yourself, other people will want to be around you and never judge you. If you feel negative, however, people will begin to judge you for your qualities. You have to look inwards for the right answer. At the end of the day, if you can't love yourself, who will? It's the harsh truth of life.