If fear abonoment so much that I can't make new relationships, but now I'm lonely. What do I do?
Last Updated: 01/08/2018 at 10:39pm
Jessica McDaniel, LPC, LCPC
Licensed Professional Counselor
I have been practicing cognitive behavioral psychotherapy since 2007 with a diverse group of adult clients with various diagnoses, all races, and socioeconomic classes.
Top Rated Answers
Being in a new relationship wouldn't necessarily make you happy. It might be a case where you might find one with whom you're happy but the real concern lies in the fact that you as an individual should be happy with yourself too. Try to realize who you are, what you want, what is/are the thing(s) that make you anxious and lonely. Being in a relationship would make you dependent on your partner where you'd be thinking of making him/her happy rather being happy yourself. This changes your state your state of find; and when not being in a relationship - you wouldn't know how to care about yourself - making you feel lonely. In such a situation, as I said earlier, know yourself. Find activities that you enjoy, be happy with yourself. And when you're you would never fear going for a relationship.
Try to figure out why you fear abandonment; until you understand that, you'll have a bit of a hard time moving forward. Then, you'll need to figure out what you need in a relationship, and things that make you scared (friendship, family, or otherwise). For example, my partner and I have a rule that nobody is allowed to leave the house in anger, and go on a walk to somewhere without telling the person where they're going, and when they'll go back; otherwise, I get afraid she won't come back. Boundaries are important. If people can't work with your needs, you can either compromise, or decide that this is a relationship you cannot have. Be upfront with people, and also consider talking this through with a therapist. :)
Manage what's going on inside of you so that you don't fear abandonment anymore and you can make a new relationship. Or manage the feeling of loneliness.
Start with the people that are closest to you. You may not feel close to them, but they are what will keep you going even after you find a lover. They will always be a part of your life, just let them in.
I think you should overcome your fear by talking to people who you'd be interested in. Then, your fear will naturally go away.
Just slowly try to get out of your comfort zone. Say hi to someone at your local coffee shop, start small.
Start small. Work on relationships that already exist, such as familial ones or old friends or something like that. Having strong relationships already can help creating new ones to be easier.
They leave you sometimes. Because in every relationship, one person loves more than the other one. And then this word- 'Abandonment' becomes the most hated word of our dictionary. But we fear it too. remember, FEAR CUTS DEEPER THAN SWORDS. If you think about it, just like someone left me, didn't I leave someone too? Wasn't I ever on the other side of the wall, where I was the one who abandoned. Then. there's this realization that I'm making someone else lonely while they are making me lonely. I'm depriving someone else of the chance of friendship with me. i'm depriving myself of all the beautiful experiences I could have had. So, What to Do? Learn to differentiate between people. There are mainly two types, one who loves less than you, one who loves more than you. And then, choose the second kind. Don't be afraid. because those are the ones who won't leave you. Just learn to choose. Not everyone is made to leave.
It's natural to feel this way if you've been hurt by people in the past, but don't give up on building new connections with people. Take it slow, and go at your own pace, but make an effort to reach out to people who truly care about you for who you are. Even if it's only one or two people at first, it will get easier to share yourself with others when you find who you can trust.
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