Why can't I get over her or him?

110 Answers
Last Updated: 04/02/2019 at 4:59pm
Why can't I get over her or him?
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Kimberly Claudat, PhD

Psychologist

I'm a cognitive-behavioral therapist, here to support you in learning skills to cope with depression, anxiety, and painful emotions through a collaborative approach.

Top Rated Answers
ArcticFox89
June 11th, 2016 1:26am
Having recently dealt with a devastating break up where my fiancé left me after 8 years together I can try to answer this questions from personal experience. For months I could do nothing but obsess about what happened and why it happened and what I could do to regain what once was. I couldn't accept it was over. I blamed myself for everything and idealized them, forgetting every flaw they had. I told myself that I could never find anyone better or even anyone at all. It was only after I realized that I had something to offer and realized that we both made mistakes in the relationship that I could start to move on. I had to stop thinking about what they were feeling or doing and start thinking about myself, actually getting in touch with my feelings and emotions. I made myself make a list of 5 things that were better in my life after the break up. This was hard. If you can't think of 5, think of 3. If you can’t think of 3 think really hard until you have 3, because I can guarantee there are 3 things in your life that have improved or will improve now that you can focus on yourself. You were happy before you met this person and although you may be a different person now, you can be happy without them. Also get rid of everything that reminds you of them and do not, I stress, do not stalk their social media. That will only drive you crazy because you will see the meticulously edited version of how happy they are and how they have already moved on. Don’t do that to yourself. You are better than that and deserve better than them. After all, why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
CompassionateGirl90
April 2nd, 2016 10:57pm
There could be a few reasons for this, and my answer is based on my own personal experience. 1. You just haven't met anyone else yet. For some of us, we connect well with others often but for others, we don't often find people who catch our eye. It happens in those moments where it feels the least likely or you aren't looking for anything to happen. It happens by chance. 2. You still have hope that the relationship can work out. And there are probably some logical reasons that you do have this hope. It's good to have hope. Just don't let your happiness be dependent on what this person does. Learn to take care of you and be in your own business - because that is the only place that you have any control, anyway. 3. There genuinely is a connection between the two of you, and there is more to be explored in the relationship. 4. You did not receive proper closure when the other person wanted to end the relationship, or you sense that they do not want things to be the same between you but they won't come right out and tell you that. This can keep anyone hanging on and feeling as though things are unfinished. Knowing exactly where exactly the other person stands and how they feel about continuing the relationship romantically or platonically will help. 5. Maybe it's a bit of all of the above! Feelings toward others can be very complex, and this is why practicing mindfulness can help. Writing down feelings or thoughts when they occur, observing them, and learning how to self-soothe and resolve can help a great deal. Whatever the case may be, there is wisdom behind what you're feeling. Be willing to explore it.
Anonymous
February 26th, 2016 9:11pm
If it was more than 6 months, then it was love. You still have feelings for this person. If they can get over you, then you can get over them. All you need to do is cut all contact with them, block them from your social media, delete your messages, you don't need anything to do with them anymore. Let time do the rest.
ItsKayja
March 19th, 2016 9:06am
Unfortunately, a relationship is hard to view through the same objective lens as a job. With relationships, it’s not just our emotions that gets involved, it’s our egos, our past pain, our childhood traumas, our insecurities, our fears. Everything gets activated and when the bomb detonates, it can take months or years to clear the wreckage. As a result, when a relationship ends it’s not just the other person that’s missing, a lot of pieces of yourself also need to be retrieved. Many people make the mistake of thinking that the reason they’re so sad after a breakup is because they genuinely miss their former partner. This is true to an extent, but it’s far from the whole picture. The pain we feel comes from several sources, and most have nothing to do with the ex himself.
00Gatsby00
February 13th, 2016 6:58pm
once u stop talking to him/her ..not in real ! ..in ur imagination u keep thinking of memories , fantasise things ..keep ur mind busy ...don't look back ..u have a whole life to live ..maybe u'd miss someone is better while u keep ur eyes on a shadow image of ur ex
Kaira
February 13th, 2016 7:55pm
Sometimes, people build homes in our hearts and when they leave, they leave small parts of them behind. I think we find ourselves clinging onto memories of the person, and we feel their ghosts, echos of them in places we associate with them. It's hard to let go, and the feelings learn to fade.
salmaA99
March 12th, 2016 6:38pm
usually, when one clings to a certain relationship. it's just to hard to end it. because then, everything is filtered through a very specific lens. like how this place reminds you of memories of that person, or how happy this person made you. and your mind creates this landscape where it makes you believe that happiness can only mean having that person. the key is to remove that lens, to escape that landscape. discover the world around you, discover more about yourself. appreciate that things that make you feel the slightest pinch of joy, like a good joke, or seeing an old friend. appreciate music, art. whatever you like. make yourself happy with what's around you. try something new. simply let your heart heal. and with time, you will find love again.
playfulUnicorns70
March 13th, 2016 11:35am
Because you can't control matters of the heart. When we love someone we tend to give that person everything we have. When the relationship ends we as humans, feel a sense of loss and hopelessness. It's almost like grieving. At the moment the pain will be so raw. You just have to take one day at a time. Keep living until you're alive again.
Anonymous
February 13th, 2016 9:04pm
Sometimes it's the idea of her/him that attracts you to them. Or simply, the memories that are attractive and are unable to be "gotten over" of.
Anonymous
February 22nd, 2016 10:48pm
It's understandable to miss anyone who has left your life, especially if they meant a lot to you. Someone will come along who makes you feel the things they made you felt, or better. Please don't give up.
Anonymous
February 20th, 2016 2:44pm
Maybe because you love him/her a lot. He/she is in your heart, so greatly that you just can't. It means you care a lot!
Anonymous
February 25th, 2016 4:47am
You've trained yourself to depend on them. If you really still have feelings for them, try discussing it with them, but don't lie to yourself.
Anonymous
March 6th, 2016 3:22pm
Sometimes the feelings are too strong, sometimes we are too week to get over the relationship, but that's normal thing. After a while, we become aware of ourselfes, our situations and time heals all wounds...
SimplyRose
May 21st, 2016 6:02pm
Because heart break is natural. It is sad. It is wrenching and it is also beautiful. Because you cared about that person so much that when he left that bond you had created and pruned was gone. It wasn't a waste It was beautiful. And now you can go pursue more beautiful things. I wish you luck. xxx
Anonymous
February 25th, 2016 4:04am
Because something that you thought could be a permeant love was only temporary and you need time to heal because you can't just forget about the memories made and the things you guys did that you don't normally do with other people. they gave you what you wanted and took it away, it hurts and its hard to forget.
ClarionCall
March 16th, 2016 5:27pm
There can be a number of reasons to have trouble getting over a breakup. If you really loved someone, it's only natural for it to take a while for that feeling to fade. However, we can also hold onto old attachments to an unhealthy degree. Sometimes this is a fear of not being in love with the person any more, and sometimes it's the result of a desire for some kind of closure. If you want to get over someone and can't, the only real way to do it is pretty harsh: cut them out of your life completely. Unfriend them on social media, don't let yourself be in social situations with them, and don't allow yourself to reflect on your relationship. Remove any reminders that that person exists from your life. Of course, this may not always be possible. But get as close as you can. It may be hard, but eventually you'll begin to forget about them. Remembering your relationship will only prolong your pain. After you're over someone, then it's possible to look back on the good times with a sense of appreciation while recognizing that the relationship wasn't meant to be. You may even be able to be friends if you want, once those old feelings are gone. But trying to have a friendship with someone you can't get over is only going to hurt you. Another reason why someone might have trouble getting over a relationship is if their partner was emotionally manipulative or abusive. One of the goals of abuse is to make the victim feel as though they're dependent on the abuser and that they'll never be happy without them. If you feel you've been abused, please seek professional help.
JDM108
March 18th, 2016 8:23am
Man I wish I knew the answer to that question. I'm having a lot of trouble getting over someone, and I've tried new age processes like cord cutting to no avail. A saint recently told me that to make the process complete, ponder on this question "What is the depth of love?" Presumably I would realize that the depth of love would be to give people their freedom, but it has yet to work...maybe it will just take time.
Varee
April 22nd, 2016 1:30pm
Forgive me for being blunt... it's probably not about her or him, it's probably about some emotional issue within you, or some past hurtful incidence that hasn't yet healed. Speak with a counsellor or therapist: some embarassment or pain now will save you years of hurt, confusion, and repeating this over and over again.
peacefulIris56
April 23rd, 2016 2:56pm
Because you are not accepting that things are the way that they are. You wish to turn back the clock and experience the fun and happiness that you once had with him. And now all of that is gone.
dreamcatcher95
February 21st, 2016 7:03pm
The day you stop asking yourself why you can't get over him/her, will you follow the road towards moving on.
GlitterSkies
March 9th, 2016 10:55am
I believe one of the easiest ways to get over someone is to keep yourself busy. It is also important to surround yourself with positive people. When a relationship is truly over it is advisable to remove items that remind you of the person from your immediate surroundings.
Anonymous
March 12th, 2016 2:10am
The way I got over an ex (which i assume you are talking about) first let yourself grieve, let your feelings out listen to music, block him/her off of all social media and just spend time with people you care about. it may be hard to move on because you have a routine with the person that is hard to break from and you want to reach out to them. That is the worst thing you can do, don't keep going back to them talking or finding a way to stalk them it will just make you miss them more. I suggest do anything necessary to help you keep your mind off of him.
lbsharron777
March 12th, 2016 6:14pm
You are holding on to negative emotions - you need to forgive him or her. Make a list of things that he or she did wrong and instead of holding anger inside of you choose to forgive.
onedirection1213
March 22nd, 2016 8:05pm
because you still have feelings for that person and you could forget about them and maybe so many other reasons.
Bubbyduckie
March 25th, 2016 2:04am
Sometimes, you just have attraction for someone. If you really cared for someone but they didn't feel the same for you, you're going to be confused to why you care so much.
enlightenedButterfly13
May 22nd, 2016 10:37pm
Because I love them, I have a strong personal connection that will take time to heal. Emotional attachment
AmirAetherValen
May 24th, 2016 6:45am
Because you allow yourself to feel. To feel not only the positive spectrum of emotions, but the negative as well. And that's a good thing. That's a great thing. Embrace it. Embrace your pain and burn it as a fuel for your journey. Why? I believe that life isn't solely about finding happiness, and there's greater value in appreciating the wholeness of life's past and present, rather than just reaching for the happiness of life's present and future. All of your feelings and emotions are a part you.. part of your own reality. If you try to hide them or block them out, you're destroying your own reality. What matters then, is how you choose to carry your pain, and who you choose to keep by your side while you do so. That's what defines who you are as an individual.
BrokenHarmonies
May 29th, 2016 7:04pm
It could be because you still love them, or have some kind of emotional or physical attatchment towards them.
BronyDice
November 1st, 2016 8:45pm
Every relationship is like a life. It takes a little practice and you learn and grow together. But when it ends, the relationship dies. You need to mourn it just as you would mourn the loss of a friend. Give yourself time to say goodbye to that part of your life to come to terms. Nobody can tell you how to mourn or how long that should take.
caringCupcake25
March 9th, 2016 6:47am
It is hard but not impossible. You need to spend time growing and learing yourself. Keep yourself busy to stop thinking about it.