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Can or should I ask my significant other to stop talking and to not associate with his ex? If so, how?

204 Answers
Last Updated: 12/08/2021 at 5:33pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jessica McDaniel, LPC, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I have been practicing cognitive behavioral psychotherapy since 2007 with a diverse group of adult clients with various diagnoses, all races, and socioeconomic classes.

Top Rated Answers
November 10th, 2016 10:40pm
Perhaps instead of asking them to stop talking to the ex, maybe you can just start an open conversation with your significant other. Talk to them about how you are feeling when they associate with the ex, and see how they feel about your concerns.
November 11th, 2016 3:29pm
of course you should , if you're feeling uncomfortable about something in your relationship , it's important that you share your feelings . always be open with one another . just politely sit him down and tell him how you feel about it and that it would make you feel better if he'd rather not associate himself with her .. you're supposed to be one of his top priorities , your feelings should matter to him .
November 23rd, 2016 3:43am
In every relationship there comes a time where the ex is involved. This provides a very great struggle in the relationship. You can calmly explain by giving and I feel message to your partner and letting them know that you do not appreciate that they are speaking with someone that they have been with in a love aspect
November 30th, 2016 1:58am
Healthy relationships are built on trust. Unless the relationship between your partner and the ex is an unhealthy one, banning are part of another's past is more of a sign of distrust and personal insecurity. Perhaps talking with someone about why this association with an ex is bothering you might be more beneficial.
February 1st, 2017 8:21pm
You definitely can, because your significant other is now in a relationship with YOU and there must be something going on if he keeps mentioning his ex. He hasn't gotten over her/him, but it doesn't always have to be that. However, even if it wasn't serious, it is serious to you. He should give all attention to you. Tell him how you feel openly. Maybe pick up the courage to ask why he talks about his ex to you. If he's the real one and if he loves you unconditionally, he will listen to you without judgement and will try to solve the problem.
February 5th, 2017 5:31pm
First, ask yourself what's making you feel uncomfortable with their friendship. Has there been an inappropriate gesture, or are you feeling that way plainly because she is his ex? Understand that even though their love relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean they aren't good friends - and yes, without malice. If you really want him to stop, calmly talk to him about what bothers you and why it bothers you.
February 15th, 2017 4:20am
If the situation makes you feel uncomfortable then yes you should. Do it in a respectful way, and don't try and bring them down.
February 23rd, 2017 3:40pm
Express that you really love your partner, and any mentioning of his or her ex, makes u uncomfortable, keep assuring your partner that you trust him or her, completely,.but it somehow hurts you when a person who was in his/her life contacts your partner, let your concerns reached to your partner in non accusing phrases, it will certainly work,
February 26th, 2017 12:38pm
Unless you have a very good reason to ask them to not associate with their ex, it's best not to force them to do any such thing. It's quite possible that they have managed to stay friends and asking your partner to stop talking to his/her ex will only damage your relationship with them in the long run.
March 3rd, 2017 6:54pm
You need to talk to them. Communication is key. You need to be direct and tell them how you feel if they are talking to their Ex. You most certainly can say you don't want them talking to their ex. It's totally understandable to think that way as we all would share the same emotions towards the topic if you in deed love your significant. If your significant cares and takes regards your emotions then they surely should respect that and stop talking to their ex.
March 5th, 2017 3:55pm
A relationship is built upon trust, if your significant other is still friends with his ex then you should trust him to make the right decisions. If it is affecting you then speak openly to him about it and come to an agreement.
April 12th, 2017 3:03am
I think if your significant other is talking with his ex and it is making you uncomfortable it's something you should talk about. We cannot control what others do, or who they talk to, but you can let it be known how you feel. It could very well be that they don't know or understand that you are upset that they are talking to an ex. Having this conversation can help both of you come to an agreement that will ease your mind. In my opinion, you should not tell people who they can and cannot talk to. But if it is a deep issue you are having, your partner should be caring enough to take your feelings into consideration, and take the appropriate measures to insure they are not causing you harm. If someone is causing you to feel badly even after you've talked to them, I feel like that's a different problem. No one that cares about you should be making you hurt on purpose for no reason.
April 15th, 2017 9:45pm
I believe you shouldn't have to ask your significant other to stop associating with their ex. They should know whether they can or cannot spend tie with them based on their feelings and you should be able to trust their decision.
May 14th, 2017 6:15pm
No, I don't think so! That's something he has to decide if he wants to do. You can not just ask him to stop talking to his ex if they may be good friends.
May 17th, 2017 7:33am
This depends on how you feel about it. If you feel that you are uncomfortable that your partner associates with his ex, having a conversation with him and letting him know how you will might help you out. Openly talk about how you feel so that he gets a proper idea about his his association with the ex affects you. That might be helpful to you.
June 30th, 2017 5:09am
I would explain to your significant other how much it bothers you and why. It is then only up to them what they decide. If you don't like their choice move on
July 1st, 2017 5:06pm
Start by saying "hey look it buggs me that you still talk to your ex" being honest is key, start the conversation, talk about it. The conversation may not end in the way you want it but it will help.
July 5th, 2017 1:47pm
Yes. If it makes you uncomfortable that he is speaking to his ex, it's perfectly reasonable to ask him to stop. You should tell him how it makes you feel (jealous, angry etc).
July 9th, 2017 3:37am
If it makes you uncomfortable that your partner still associates with his ex, you can tell him about it. Just tell him that it makes you uncomfortable that he texts and associates with someone he used to be romantic with. It's perfectly ok to ask him not to especially if you don't like it. He can still associate with them if he pleases though, you'll just have to trust him if he continues to do so.
July 26th, 2017 10:11pm
You are in all your right to speak your mind about what you're comfortable with and with what you're not. Communication is the key, however in order to really get to the core of this situation and make it viable for both of you it would be important to ask yourself what bothers you about it, what role you play in this situation, etc. So you can explain to him (calmly) what your boundaries are, how you feel and why. Giving some self reflection to this issue as well as try some proactive communication may be a good way to figure what needs to be fixed and how.
August 10th, 2017 10:37am
From experience this rarely goes down well but what's important are your feelings. If your partner talking to their ex is causing you distress or an amount of anxiety then you should be truthful. Hiding your feelings will only worsen the situation. If they love and respect you they will understand and take steps to reassure you nothing but friendship is happening. Remember, just because they talk doesn't mean anything untoward is going on.
August 16th, 2017 7:59am
Romantic relationships are based on trust. Many people have strong friendships with their ex, who may have been with them through a turning point in their life. Talking to an ex is healthy, provided it does not jeopardize your SO's ability to support your relationship.
August 19th, 2017 5:55am
If you're feeling uncomfortable with your significant other talking to his ex, maybe instead of flat out asking him not to associate with them anymore, you could try just talking about how you feel and seeing if you can come up with a way you're both happy.
September 7th, 2017 9:21pm
Perhaps help him see how that makes you feel (or state why else this is affecting you so much) instead of instructing him not to do it. If the idea to not talk to his ex comes from himself, he might feel better about that action.
November 3rd, 2017 5:02pm
It depends, you should know better than me since I dont know him. Exs sometimes mark us through a part of our lives, and if the relationship ended up well sometimes the good bond stays even if the love is no longer, if your significant other is still good friends with their ex and you dont feel like they share other kind of feelings with one another then it may be harmful for them to give up a close friend. When it comes to this things, you have to aknowledge your feelings and to talk with your SO about them, let him know the situation and work it out with you, share your insecurities and trust you and him can get to a situation where you are both comfortable with each other
November 4th, 2017 5:09am
This really depends. I don’t feel like I’m close enough or informed enough to pass judgement on this situation correctly. However, I do personally think that if this ex is particularly harmful, abusive, problematic, toxic, or otherwise bad for you/your significant other/your relationship, then it is reasonable to want them to stop talking. If you feel this strongly about something involving your relationship in general, you should always speak to your partner about it. A lack of communication in a relationship is a death sentence for it. I’m sure if you explain your (reasonable and fair) reasoning, they will understand and want to do their best to preserve their relationship and respect your wishes.
November 9th, 2017 4:53am
When your partner keeps in touch with his ex, it can stir up anxiety, resentment or concerns for you. That's a pretty normal reaction. It turns out a recent study shows that "people are more likely to communicate with ex's they still have feelings for." Especially if the contact is frequent - several times a week. But what do you do? A good start is to come clean with your own feelings without accusing - "I need to share something I'm feeling. When you spend a lot of time with your ex, I start to wonder if there's something missing for you in our relationship. It makes me uneasy and anxious. Can we figure this out together?" Good luck!
November 12th, 2017 8:10pm
Trusting your significant other is important. Talk to them about the way it makes you feel and you can decide together if it would benefit your relationship.
November 19th, 2017 6:44pm
Just sit down and talk with your partner in a calm, polite way and explain why you want them to do so.
November 22nd, 2017 10:24pm
If you believe that asking them to stop talking to his ex, then ask him nicely but always remember that e might be friends with his ex still, don’t get mad if he says no.