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Can or should I ask my significant other to stop talking and to not associate with his ex? If so, how?

204 Answers
Last Updated: 12/03/2021 at 2:27pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jessica McDaniel, LPC, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I have been practicing cognitive behavioral psychotherapy since 2007 with a diverse group of adult clients with various diagnoses, all races, and socioeconomic classes.

Top Rated Answers
November 22nd, 2017 10:24pm
If you believe that asking them to stop talking to his ex, then ask him nicely but always remember that e might be friends with his ex still, don’t get mad if he says no.
December 16th, 2017 5:03pm
Of course you can if the situation makes you uncomfortable you have a right to ask. Just start by mentioning the subject and then slowly build up into the question of why they find the need to associate with their ex and if they would mind stopping because of how it makes you feel.
January 3rd, 2018 10:47am
In my personal experience if you are feeling unsettled or uneasy about him communicating with a past lover. Try addressing your concern with him and your unease, collaborative communication often gives the best results.
January 29th, 2018 11:20pm
Be open with him, the key thing most people don't do in relationships is communicate. Communicating is a key factor in relationships, and it's a great way to be open about each others concerns or what ever it is that is going on. If this is really bothering you, express it with him.
March 1st, 2018 9:19am
You cant stop anyone from talking to anyone else ? They can be friends but nothing more ask him the relation ship between the 2
March 3rd, 2018 2:53pm
The best thing to do is open up to him about your feelings, let him know what is on your mind. Try to talk calmly and let him now that what he does is making you upset, and that you care about the health of your relationship with him.
March 29th, 2018 12:52pm
I would start by talking with you SO, and explaining why it bothers you. I would not try and make demands! This comes off as controlling, and many times turns out much different than you had hoped!
April 7th, 2018 12:48am
Learned how to recommend a person to someone who spoke his language, which i feel is a great thing to know how to do :)
April 11th, 2018 3:50pm
It depends on how sincere or romantic it is. Is he talking to them because of school, work, formal things? Or is he taking time to talk to them about general stuff, funny stuff, etc? You do have the right to say you don't feel comfortable with him talking to them too much. You don't have to tell him to stop talking to her unless you suspect cheating. This suspicion can't let you stop him from talking to them, though. If you have a suspicion, you need to ask. I think you two should talk about this face to face, until you two figure it out. I hope you do
April 12th, 2018 2:14pm
I don't think you should ask them to, because a relationship should be based on trust. If you don't trust them to be faithful to you (if that's what you're concerned about), then probably the two of you are doing it wrong. On the other hand, they shouldn't misuse your trust as well, and know the boundaries of what they can or cannot do with his ex. I think it's all about trust.
April 12th, 2018 3:02pm
My first suggestion would be to look at what you are afraid of about them contacting each other. If you can identify specific fears and communicate them to your partner in a way that does not accuse him i.e. express your fears as 'I feel afraid that....' and let him hear your concerns so that he can have the chance to see your point of view and let him respond to you. Then you will be in a better place to explore this question further
April 26th, 2018 4:07pm
If it's something you strongly feel about you should be honest but also be tactful. Simply saying that you're unhappy with him talking to his ex should be effective enough.
May 2nd, 2018 10:28pm
If the ex isn’t disturbing/harming your current relationship, then it is best to leave things as is.
May 23rd, 2018 4:48am
First you should figure out why this subject disturbs you so much. Are you afraid of loosing your partner? You think you are not good enough? I think when you are in a healthy relationship and are not afraid of missing the partner or jealous about previous relationship, you don’t mind hearing about the ex. On the other hand, maybe the problem is that your partner is obsessed with the ex, and exaggerates talking about them, then I think you should tell him/her and try to find a solution for him to get over it.
May 26th, 2018 4:27am
Although it may seem like a good idea to you, and actually others as well. Your s/o could be rubbed the wrong way, and take your complaint in a controlling/demanding way. I suggest explaining how you feel about them being in contact with their ex. If they still continue to do so, unfortunately there's not that much you can do other than accept. There's a foundation of trust supposedly in a relationship, and if you trust that your partner won't act on anything or have romantic relations with their ex, then it'll become more and more bearable.
June 9th, 2018 4:12pm
if there is a reasonable explanation to it, yes. try just sitting them down and telling them. be calm, and show your persepctive but make sure to keep theirs in mind as well
June 21st, 2018 7:19pm
You shouldn't. Try to ponder over the reasons why are you upset over him talking to his ex. Then maybe try talking to him.
June 27th, 2018 10:35am
no you should not, he or her is aloud too, unless its somthing bad. then talk to them about it. you don't have to worry
June 27th, 2018 11:35am
You can and should communicate with your significant other if you are ever uncomfortable with anything. It is the matter of how it is approached. Sit down, have patience, remain calm and reasonable to why you may be uncomfortable. Negotiate on how this situation can benefit the both of you because after all, a relationship is about two people.
July 6th, 2018 10:17pm
Have you thought of speaking about how you feel to your partner,? If you speak to them and open up, together you can find a way around this issue.
July 8th, 2018 9:30am
It seems that you feel conflicted towards what you would feel comfortable talking about with your parter, is that the case?
July 11th, 2018 10:58am
On personal experience, simply ask to have a conversation with your significant other, and explain how it feels to you and how you can come to settle an agreement that settles the matter. But remember it goes both ways, how can you help your significant other's concerns?
July 15th, 2018 4:59pm
This is a very difficult one! My ex is still my best friend and I would be absolutely devastated if he got a new girlfriend and she told him to stop talking to me. I know you’re insecure but honestly they are probably just friends and nothing more. Voice your concern for sure, but please don’t make him cut contact
July 18th, 2018 5:07am
Communication is very important. Is this causing problems between the two of you? If so you need to let your partner know. Just tell them how you feel and do it in calm manner. Do not accuse. Let them know it makes you uncomfortable. Listen to what they have to say. Then you try to work on what's best for you.
July 18th, 2018 12:27pm
You totally can~ Most people do not communicate with their ex and you can always talk to your partner about this. This requires honest conversation where both of you are understanding and open about each other's opinions.
July 25th, 2018 10:21am
It depends on the situation. Does he share a child with his ex? If so, it would be illogical and unreasonable to expect him to stop communicating with his ex.
July 25th, 2018 12:55pm
If I felt this way about my significant other, I would have a serious conversation with them about how I feel and why.
July 25th, 2018 10:55pm
I feel like that's not a fair thing to ask of someone. If he's on good terms with his ex and he isn't cheating on you, I don't see anything wrong with it. Relationships are all about trust. He is his own person and can therefore decide if he can safely talk to his ex without anything going wrong.
July 26th, 2018 1:32pm
While it is not okay to forbid your partner from talking to anyone, you should certainly talk to them if what they are doing is making you uncomfortable. For example, instead of saying, “I hate it that you still talk to your ex, you need to cut them off” You could say, “It makes me really uncomfortable that you’re still talking to your ex.” To begin a conversation about it.
August 6th, 2018 3:26pm
If you have no reason to be worried you shouldn't. You should make him feel like you trust him. But if in need just be honest. Share yout worries and you hopes and work on them together as a team.