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Can or should I ask my significant other to stop talking and to not associate with his ex? If so, how?

194 Answers
Last Updated: 05/20/2021 at 4:44pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Jessica McDaniel, LPC, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I have been practicing cognitive behavioral psychotherapy since 2007 with a diverse group of adult clients with various diagnoses, all races, and socioeconomic classes.

Top Rated Answers
AyeVzla
January 10th, 2021 2:08pm
A relationship is two person, (You and him) which they must manage together, for the human being is highly irritable sometimes as a couple to take conversations regarding their ex-partners, however I would consider that they talk about the subject if there is trust between the two, remember that talking to the truth sometimes allows a relationship to flow better , only you know him and you can know the most suitable way to get to him without offending or handling incoherent discussions between the two, remember that you are important to the universe you are unique so take care and worth mainly, a strong embrace from Venezuela. Sincerely, Anthony.
Anonymous
January 29th, 2021 7:06am
This is entirely up to you to decide. The main question you have to ask yourself is, is how is the ex effecting your relationship? Are they constantly talking, are they doing more than talking? Is your significant other being suspicious? Even if they're not doing anything weird, it's still understandable to be worried. Every person has a different relationship with their ex, how it effects a relationship, etc. At the end of the day if you want your significant other to stop talking with his ex, then that should be something that he is willing to do to better the relationship. I think it mostly comes down to a respect thing.
gracefulDreamer6406
February 6th, 2021 1:43am
You most certainly can if your partner has an ex that is still in their life and it makes you uncomfortable. Yes, they can be friends with their ex but ask yourself what it is that makes you uncomfortable about their continued association. If there are extenuating circumstances, such as illness or they are in some sort of trouble then it might be that they get in touch and in some cases that can be reasonable. But If you feel they are constantly flashing up on your partners phone, just for a chat or whatever, ask them why they think it's ok that they do this. And be clear about why you feel uncomfortable. If your partners ex is breaching the boundaries of your relationship then they are disrespecting you and your partner is also, in allowing this. Don't feel shy about a situation which would make most people unhappy and be clear with your partner about how this makes you feel. But it's also worth reminding yourself that just because you feel uncomfortable in this situation that doesn't automatically make you a crazy jealous person. If you can respect someone else's relationship then your should be respected in return.
Anonymous
February 19th, 2021 10:47pm
I think you should ask your significant other to stop talking to their ex if they are in a serious relationship with you. You could start off by asking them why they do it. Then, you could move into talking about how it bothers you and how that makes you feel. If they really care about you they will understand that it makes you feel a certain type of way and then maybe the both of you can together find a solution to this issue that way it doesn't continue to affect your relationship with them or make you feel bad.
CandyIsGreat00
February 20th, 2021 2:00am
It is your complete right to ask him to stop talking to his ex. However, equally, it’s his right to say no. If his ex is making you feel like he is untrustworthy and/or they are interfering with your relationship , it’s perfectly logical to ask this of him. However, if you don’t trust your significant other to stay loyal, why are you together? Relationships don’t work without trust, and it doesn’t sound like there’s very much between you two. You two should sit down and have a serious conversation. Express yourself and explain to him that you aren’t comfortable with him associating with his ex. I wish you the best of luck
Andyallen
February 21st, 2021 12:32am
I think the best way to approach the situation would be to have a conversation in which you could both talk about each other feelings. If your relationship is recent, he might still be greaving which is totally normal. It can take some time for him to get over his past relationship. Also, you should feel free to make him aware that you are not comfortable with him talking about his ex. It is very understandable that you are not comfortable with that at all. If you get to have both of you thinking from each other's point of view, it would be wonderful. I really hope you get to communicate and sort this out. If he cares about you, he most likely will understand that you feel hurt by him talking about his past relationship. I wish you the best of luck :)
Mimiverse
March 3rd, 2021 7:02pm
I believe that you are always able to ask anything that you want because it's something that you desire. In the case of asking your significant other to disassociate with an ex, it's not wrong to want them to. If you choose to do so, however, perhaps sit them down and start by telling them that you love and trust them. Explain your feelings as to why you want them to stop and ask them along the way if they understand or have any questions or concerns. At the end, if everything is said, you can give them the open option as to whether or not they want to stop, but for your own heart and mind you wanted them to know your feelings.
Anonymous
March 31st, 2021 5:47pm
Thank you for reaching out! It is hard to say whether you can or should ask your significant other to stop talking and associating with his ex. There are reasons both for and against it. Firstly, it can be a red flag or warning sign if a partner is controlling of who their partner sees or hangs out with, as it can be isolating and lead to unhealthiest in the relationship dynamic. Further, your partner should be able to decide and consent for themselves who they spend time with. If your partner spending time with their ex bothers you, or is in some way harming the relationship between you, you should examine why it bothers you and why your significant other is willing to engage in that type of behavior. If it bothers you, does your significant other know it bothers you? If they know it bothers you and they do it regardless what do you make of that? Are they really someone you still want to be with? This is where thinking about your boundaries can be a great way to reflect. You may want to reflect on your general expectations from relationships. Consider talking about the issue with your partner first, before making any decisions on whether you should ask them to stop talking to their ex. Ask yourself if it bothers you and why, and share those answers with them. You may want to reflect on whether you want to ask if your partner they knew how you felt about them interacting with their ex. Do you feeling like asking them if they feel it's important for them to keep talking to their ex and if so why. Try to come to a decision as a team about what is best for both of you. A relationship takes two people to work, not one! There are support organizations relating to relationship stress such as OneLoveFoundation and Relate.
Anonymous
April 17th, 2021 6:01am
You have the right to ask your boyfriend not to talk to or meet with his ex. I think there will be many ways to deal with it, but I recommend the one that in my opinion is the most effective.. You should make a direct remark to your boyfriend. Make it clear how you feel and suggest that your boyfriend shouldn't meet his ex while having a new lover, which makes anyone feel insecure in the relationship. If he brings up his ex even when he recognizes you're sad, you should rethink if your boyfriend really loves you. I say, if he cares about how you feel, he shouldn't talk or associate with his ex.
Anonymous
April 21st, 2021 1:04am
This is a hard question. It is super important to communicate with a significant other about how things make you feel, and what you are comfortable with. Going to your significant other very calmly and approaching them with how you feel is a way to start a conversation. It is also important to not be overly offensive when saying that them talking to an ex makes you uncomfortable because they make take it as you having mistrust in them. It is important to listen to how they feel as well, they may still want to continue contact with them. If it something that they wish to continue doing, you have to respect that boundary they made and trust them- or you can assess if your relationship is more important than them talking to an ex.
Yourstruly14
May 2nd, 2021 12:47am
A wise man once said, "seek to understand, then to be understood." Or something like that. Why is it that he talks about his ex so frequently, is it for a reason that can dampen your relationship like still having feelings for her? If not, then good and following clarifying, it would be beneficial if you helped him to understand how it makes you feel when he speaks of his ex. If he is as understanding as you, he should cease doing so, but if he does not and continues, you may want to reevaluate your relationship with him.
calmone
May 14th, 2021 1:07pm
On the question of whether you can, or are able to - this would depend on how comfortable you feel in terms of the possible reaction it might bring about. Otherwise, bringing up a topic should not be a cause for concern in itself. To the matter of if you should, well, ultimately you as an individual have the right to decide what your boundaries are. If it's an issue for you and not shared, then perhaps a compromise can be reached. Relationships demand a certain amount of patience, sacrifice and problem solving to be worthwhile after all. Ask and be sincere in reaching a compromise, or deal with the internal confusion this causes - either way it's important to take a decision and move forwards.
nevaeh12367
May 19th, 2021 10:20am
You should be worried about an ex when your partner is defensive or secretive about their communication or the nature of their conversations. If you have a gut feeling about your significant other's ex, then you have every right to tell them how you feel about it and tell them that you don't feel too good about it. The relationship ended for a reason and if they start talking they might rekindle the romance if it didn't end too badly. Don't hide the fact that it bothers you and that it makes you insecure so that it has been known and if your S/O still doesn't validate your feelings then they are wrong.
youareanangel
May 20th, 2021 4:44pm
Communication is always the key. You know this situation and you significant other better than anyone else, so think what could be the worst and the best case scenario if you share your feelings. It is always better to talk things through. With talking, you can see the other persons real intentions with you. Remember, if communication doesn't work, always think what's the best for you. Ask yourself if you feel comfortable with being associated. Understand if that is a big trigger in your relationship. After reviewing these questions, act accordingly as your heart says. Always remember that first comes your wellbeing. Try not to think about what the other person might feel like. Someone always is going to feel different about your emotions and acts. Of course, you shouldn't be rude. Just speak from your heart. I hope this helps! If anything, let me know!