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Do I miss the person, or the relationship?

200 Answers
Last Updated: 12/03/2020 at 7:25pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Christina Hussami, MSW, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

Strengths-based, solution-focused therapist focusing on helping clients find life balance and navigating down their own path leading towards overall well-being.

Top Rated Answers
May 12th, 2017 6:06pm
It could be a little bit of both. But more often than not we tend to remember the fond things from past relationships when we miss them. We might have a tendency to omit some of the negatives, or the reason why the relationship didn't last. We miss what we once had, and that could be the relationship itself, or characteristics of the person that you liked to begin with.
July 12th, 2017 7:26am
In any stressful situation, it’s easy to get caught up in the emotion. Apply the Helicopter View mind perspective. We can zoom out our view and see the bigger picture. As the helicopter takes off, getting higher and higher, it sees a bigger and bigger picture, and is less involved with the detail at ground level. So as we pull back from an emotional situation, we can start to see things much more clearly and rationally.
October 30th, 2020 10:29am
May be you miss a bit of both? Or may be what you actually miss are those memories? The bittersweet memories of how things used to be. How caring you guys were to each other, how in love you were. Just to turn the knife a little, each moment keeps crashing into your head. May be you miss how effortless things used to be with them, how you guys used to have so much fun and how soothing the relationship was. May be you miss how they used to make you feel, all those blushes you used to get and give them. Those small moments of laughter. May be you miss the relationship which was rich in love, care and support. Or may be, you simply miss the idea of you being in love. However, that's for you to figure out.
July 19th, 2016 4:18pm
It depends on the situation. If you find yourself missing things that are specific to the person (the way they laughed, their eyes, something that they did for you), chances are you miss the person. But if you miss having someone to talk to or the intimacy the relationship provided, then you probably miss the relationship.
October 23rd, 2016 5:49am
Probably the relationship if you guys did a lot of fun, cute things. If you think about them a lot or get sick to your stomach thinking of them loving another person then you might love the person however.
October 27th, 2016 6:59am
It depends on the type of relationship you had with the person. In some cases you could miss the feeling of loving and others the custom of being in the relationship is hard.
February 23rd, 2017 11:27pm
I honestly missed the relationship and not the person I thought he was different but I feel better now then when I was with him
March 10th, 2017 2:38am
We are creatures of habit, so it is easy for us to confuse if we miss the person we were with or the feeling of being in a relationship. The best way I answered this question for myself was thinking about the things my partner and I did that was exclusive to us (our go-to date spots, memories unique to us) and tried to imagine doing it with someone else. If you can more or less picture doing the things you once loved with another person, perhaps you miss the idea of a relationship. You know you miss the person when you realize you are missing a part of yourself. But, the two are so closely twined together that it is hard to make the distinction.
April 5th, 2017 5:16am
You may miss the person, if you miss the person it could be the way they did little things or the things they could have said. You could miss the things they would wear, how they smelled or the way they ate, If you miss the relationship it could be the way you two did things together such as how you often cuddled or went out on dates. The jokes you made at each other and the deep conversations you two had.
July 17th, 2017 11:36am
I can't say this will apply to you, but for me the answer would be both. When I lost my best friend and girlfriend I was haunted by the loss every waking moment. I missed the person because I saw a future with her and believed that if she was in my life that future could be mine. I missed the relationship because without it I felt hollow, the magic of life was gone. They are two sides of the same coin.
August 13th, 2017 5:02pm
That all depends. Do you miss what they did, who they were, how they made you feel, or the little things about them? Missing the person is when you think about THEM as a person. Who they were, their habits, their smile, them. Missing the relationship would be more directed at your feelings that you miss. Do you miss how being together made you feel? Those kinds of feelings.
November 22nd, 2017 2:43am
You got into a relationship to be in a relationship or to be with the person? Ask yourself this first.
December 22nd, 2017 1:04pm
Generally you miss the relationship - it's not the person you miss. It's the routine. Ask yourself, what are you missing? Are you missing the closeness, the company, or are you missing the dates and the things you did together?
March 29th, 2018 10:51pm
Always a really difficult question to answer. We often break up with our partner because we feel as though something is not working out and it is beyond repair. This naturally leaves a void; we forget how much time our partner can occupy. In my experience, it is more often that people miss the relationship more than the person. Filling up your time with things you care about is a great way to help with this!
April 24th, 2018 11:07am
It depends on the kind of relationship you had. Sometimes you may miss the kind of relationship you had, or the person while reprimanding the relationship.
May 13th, 2018 10:39am
This is a very common question and super important. It can be hard to distinguish the idea of something vs. the actual thing. Just think about how you felt when you broke up. Was it a disliking towards the person or was it that you just needed to get out of the relationship?
May 13th, 2018 6:34pm
Person mind drives relationship. It is not independent attribute. Person and relationship work together. hence one will miss both.
May 20th, 2018 12:32am
I guess it depends on how you feel. It could be that you still have lingering feelings. But, it could also be that you just need another relationship. Maybe try being with someone else and then you will find the answer.
June 16th, 2018 7:56am
It depends if the relationship was a toxic one or not. I used to find myself thinking about my ex and how things would be if we got back together. I was able to separate him and my life with him, if that makes sense, and realized that I missed the relationship because I felt comfortable in it. But him as a person, he was toxic. But then again, you could very well miss the person if there was a point in time where you were good friends before the relationship.
July 18th, 2018 2:16pm
Both? Without that person, there's nothing to miss about in that relationship. Without that relationship, there's nothing about that person to begin with.
July 26th, 2018 8:12am
You cannot separate a person from the experiences you had with him/ her. It is understandable that you miss both.
August 4th, 2018 5:27pm
That's something you have to figure out on your own....often times we don't miss the person, but the feeling we had when we were with them. We fear that we will never find something that amounts to it....but trust me, everything happens for a reason and if things are meant to be, they will fall in to place exactly how they should.❤
December 23rd, 2018 9:31am
I’d personally say both when I went through a break up with the ‘love of my life’ I was talking to best friend telling her I still loved him and that I don’t think I can get over him it took me some time to realize I didn’t miss him but the person he made me. Before I was with him I never went out and just stayed in basking in my loneliness but he made me go out and make new friends so when it was over I bought I missed him but I actually missed the atmosphere that he provided me and the new experiences so I guess I’m some aspects I missed him but I really missed who he made me
October 10th, 2019 11:18am
It usually depends upon the person How good they were Sometimes people change or say show their true side but the moment we spend with them is what makes us feel good Relationship doesn't matter maybe you can have the same relation with anyone but still you try to be happy not actually happy its because of the personality nature bonding and understanding and of course compatibility with the person You are actually missing that personality those days were awesome it was because of them You are not missing the particular relationship or maybe those days. But the person who made that relationship
December 27th, 2019 11:52pm
It depends a lot on the circumstances of the relationship. Therefore it can be one of those or even both. After all, we can miss how the person made us feel, act or just their personality and presence. But we may not feel that the relationship with this person was correct one. Or we can miss how a particular type of relationship felt, for example having someone to share thoughts, experiences and closeness or having stability but the person was not right or was even completely wrong. And sometimes it may happen that it is combination of two. It is good question to ask though after the ending of the relationship as it may help to solve the issues and eventually heal.
September 23rd, 2020 3:42pm
Sunday morning breakfasts together, sending each other memes all day, "good night" texts... When a relationship ends, there's a lot to miss. But it's not always easy to tell whether you miss your ex or just miss your relationship. Understanding the answer is a crucial step in how you go about healing. “Initially after a breakup, it’s next to impossible to separate [missing the ex from missing the relationship], But with time — roughly three to eight weeks, Klapow estimates — you slowly begin to differentiate between the two feelings. Ask yourself: What specifically do you miss? Is it the person themselves or all the things you shared with them? Think about the images and memories you keep replaying in your head. Do you notice your partner’s scent among the mix? Maybe it's the cologne you smelled on every sweatshirt you stole from them. Or maybe you still hear the particular sound of their laughter that followed your jokes. If it’s things like their personality quirks or their extra long hugs — things that have to do with them and them alone — then it’s most likely that you're missing your ex specifically, not just the relationship.
June 4th, 2015 11:24pm
That differs. Sometimes you miss the memories and you want the relationship you used to have, but don't have anymore and you miss the person he/she used to be or you wished they were. Sometimes you can be in love with the idea of being in love and not the actual person.
July 7th, 2015 8:34pm
Although you can miss the person, missing the relationship is what I feel to be more common. You've gone from having something that is no longer there and you miss it! Its normal!
November 17th, 2015 7:27pm
It depends on what kind of relationship or person he or she was but I'd have to say I think I'd miss the relationship
March 15th, 2016 3:41am
We human, we love the person and the relationship with that person. It is our nature. There's no other reason you miss the person and didn't miss the relationship and same goes to relation.