Does it hurt more to have someone and lose them, or to never have them at all?
32 Answers
Last Updated: 03/22/2021 at 12:30am
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Tracy-Kate Teleke, PsyD, M.A., LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I assist adults and couples in CA experiencing relationship challenges and interpersonal struggles including anxiety, depression, and a myriad of other life challenges.
Top Rated Answers
It hurts more to have someone and lose them than never having "that someone" at all. Because when you have someone you get attached and that person becomes a part of your life. Losing him/her feels as if you're losing someone who once belonged to you and when you feel the person going away it has a direct impact on your life. It hurts a lot and it takes a good time to heal the pain of separation. It happens when we cling to someone.
On the other hand, if you never had "that someone" at all, there is no point of attachment or separation. You might feel bad for not having that person but it won't hurt you that way.
I would say both but they have completely different feeling. Having someone can hurt just as much as not having them. you can feel emptiness not having them and heart broken but you can also feel not good enough and insecure when you do have them.
It always hurts to lose someone -- but if you at least have them for a while you get to grow + nurture your own life with the light they bring to it. In my experience, anyone worth crying over was worth having in your life. You're missing them because they made a difference.
You meet people for a reason, they have a purpose in your life. They will teach you things that will help you be a better person. Some will hurt you, others will love you, but whatever it is, they are the reason of who you are today. And if you lose them it means their purpose is done. So its better to lose someone, learning than never learn at all.
Anonymous
October 26th, 2015 2:01pm
to have someone and lose them it teaches you things you would not of understood before. which in result makes you a better person overall
This is a very subjective answer. In my own opinion regrets of doing something is lighter to carry than regrets of not having done it. They say it's better to love and get hurt than to never love at all. It is a universal truth that a time will come that we will lose someone. It is painful. That's why we try to find someone who's worth that pain. So even if we are hurt, we have no regrets at all.
It may hurt more but it also help/please more. One may find that having never loved or tried, that there is despair in not sharing life with others fully. It take energy to live life to its fullest, love and take risks but there are also pain in too much introversion which can lead to a cycle of negative thoughts and despair.
What a hard question! This is different for every person but ultimately pain is pain. Only you can make the choice if the risk is worth it.
It depends on how you see it. Having someone and losing them leaves a hole in your heart. Not having them at all could make you feel you've missed all the opportunities you could've experienced with the person.
In my experience, having someone and then losing them hurts more, because it's like putting on a new fake tooth only to have it ripped away again. It damages me a little bit more every time that happens.
On the other side, imagining all the possibilities you could have with the person could lead you into spiralling thoughts, sometimes even fixating on the person.
This is a philosophical question of the ages. Some people might say that if you never have them at all, you never really know what you're missing. Ignorance is bliss, if you will. But if you have someone and lose them, you've had the opportunity to feel a connection and love that you wouldn't have otherwise had, and it may have enriched your life. There is no right answer for this one.
I suppose it is a personal way to react to it. When having shared something with someone has been somewhat positive, it can be part of life's experience. Then it also depends what losing them means and in what way the lost happens to reflect about the ways we could react to it. Basically, as for generic concept, every human interaction is positive perse.
To have someone and loose them, because you become connected with him/her and when you lose him/her you loose all the happiness from your life
Both hurts equally, maybe one more than the other. It's never easy to loose someone, jus as much as it's hard to want someone and can't have that person. People come in n out of our lives while seasons change, we have to take each experience like a chapter in our lives, that we can always go back and read.
Anonymous
March 18th, 2015 3:03am
I would think if you never had them at all, you wouldn't get hurt. But life's all about taking risks. We're all going to get hurt at some point or another. It's inevitable unfortunately! But we can use all moments in life, even the bad ones, to grow and learn more about ourselves so that we can be our own personal best.
It's always better to have someone ... losing them hurts, but the impact/mark they leave is priceless
I suppose this is a matter for debate, but i have had both happen, and losing them is way worse. It's not even close.
Anonymous
May 23rd, 2016 10:14am
It's harder not to have them at all because if you lost someone at least you had them before they were gone.
Anonymous
April 18th, 2016 2:45pm
Having someone and losing them hurts more, you grow accustomed to them and let them become a part of you and then you lose them, a part of you is taken. Never having them means they never become a part of you
It will definitely hurt more to have someone and then to lose them, because you build a bond/relationship with them. Once that's gone, it leaves you and it literally does feel as if a part of your own self has gone too. As for never having someone, it can also hurt but your feelings won't be as strong for someone you've never had.
Anonymous
December 29th, 2015 5:23am
It does hurt. But there was good times that you'll reflect back on. But most of all, you'll have learned more about you and what you need out of your relationships
My opinion is to never have them at all. Who knows the impact you could've had on them by knowing them, if you lost them from suicide they may have had nobody before meeting you. You can't let it hurt you but rather encourage you to help others.
Experience comes from having, if you never have or had you'd never learn. Learning is the key to growth.
Anonymous
May 13th, 2015 6:00pm
This is more of an opinion question, but I would rather never have them at all than a heart break. This is because if you don't get that hurt, you feel better.
Both hurt but the intensity of each and which depend of the individual. But at least, in my opinion, having someone and losing her/him provides at least some kind of experience.
It hurts more to have someone then lose them because if you never had them at all, you'll never know what you missed out on. When you lost someone, you have to deal with feelings of abandonment and loss, which hurt.
I think that having someone and then losing them is hard because you've had them around in your life and then they're no longer attending. But not having someone at all is hard as well because some people can't live without each other.
Everyone's experiences are different, to say that one thing hurts more than the other is ignorant of other's experiences - one person's loss is very different to another person's longing! How much they hurt depends on how we deal with the experience though.
never having that person is easier, because they could've been a horrible person. but having someone and getting to know how great they all in all are and then losing them in a blink of an eye is the hardest thing
"It is better to have loved and lost, to have never loved at all"... The old adage goes that way for a reason. I firmly believe that every relationship brings something beautiful to our lives. If you love a person so desperately, and think of how you both changed for the better-- nothing lasts forever, and it would be greedy of us to want to keep something to ourselves forever if it was time to let it go...
I believe both hurt just as much. When you lose someone it hurts because you know what its like to have them. It also hurts not to have someone at all because you will never know what its like being with them.
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