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How can breakups rip the heart out of you but can still leave you begging for your ex-lover's affection years after the split?

22 Answers
Last Updated: 04/27/2020 at 1:53am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
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Victoria Cook, LCSW

Clinical Social Work/Therapist

I work to meet all clients where they are - working first to understand their needs and employing the tools needed to help them become their best, most empowered selves.

Top Rated Answers
dreamOcean26
January 22nd, 2015 5:29pm
That's the nature of the heart, I guess. The people we loved in the past will always be with us. We can't ever forget them or blot them out of our lives. They live in our memories, they made us feel emotions that can't be erased. But we can try to really resolve everything to do with that relationship, and look to the future. Sometimes we are meant to meet people who give us something, or teach us something, help us find things about ourselves, but they aren't meant to be with us. They are just a wake up call, or a way to gain strength and wisdom. So we have to accept that, move on, and look to the future. It doesn't mean we won't think of them from time to time, but we'll stop living in the past.
pm229
January 23rd, 2015 1:23am
It is because the heart heals and it never forgets, especially the love and the good times. Do not feel bad if you are still longing for the ex's affection, your heart remembers how good the love was and not how the love has gone bad.
Anonymous
September 11th, 2018 6:03am
From my own experience...it was because I was unable to see that what I had was no where close to what I deserved. Sometimes we get into a relationship thinking that it's what we need...not what it is we want. We allow ourselves to fall prey to people who don't treat us right and in time we begin to believe that that treatment is what we deserve. As a living, feeling person we should step back and evaluate what it is we personally deserve. Sometimes when we look back at those relationships we forget to look at the real reason it fell apart...which can makes us crave that affection once more.
Life705
March 14th, 2015 9:38pm
Because it is hard to completely get over someone who once meant so much to us. We tend to idealize ex-lover's and cherish the memories we have...so we think things will never be as perfect again. This makes us beg and crave for what we lost
EmiiAmor
April 3rd, 2015 6:21pm
From personal experience, it is because you still love that person and remember all the amazing times you have had. No one deserves to be hurt in such a way and clinging on to a traumatic break-up can leave you down. Try surrounding yourself with friends and positive people or pick up a hobby.
MendingByMuisc2
April 29th, 2015 6:28pm
You feel comfortable with that person. When they're gone it can leave us missing the familiarity of having that person around, and thats what can hurt the most
kushnath
May 2nd, 2015 1:31pm
When two people know each other, they form a gravitational force, the person who will have bigger individuality tend to attract more..if we get to grow or develop our own individuality,it will be easier to not get same pull,because the other person isn't growing anymore inside us..
LIFEConquerors16
September 15th, 2015 5:58am
It always begins and ends with her/him even though you broke up during the time you two were together you developed strong feelings for each other. Many teens and adults still cry when they remember their ex. Remember that you are not alone on this.
Chinmay96
May 30th, 2016 4:36am
Memories....memories are the reason I believe! :) No matter what happened, we will always be remembering the good old days we spent with them, and somewhere inside, we feel that though whatever happened, our love and affection was true and there was a time they meant everything for us. *NOSTALGIA*
Anonymous
May 22nd, 2015 5:26pm
It's the reliance that we had for that person. We felt validated by our partner and happy for every positive interaction we had for them.
warmWind52
June 10th, 2015 4:32am
This happens because you still search for those memories you made, and that long lost love they got.
alfonsojon1997
June 29th, 2015 9:30pm
Well, love is a very strong emotion. I still have strange feelings for my ex even though I was very hurt by the breakup and have been in other relationships since. Everyone feels pain differently, and sometimes, it's very difficult or impossible to completely move past. As far as I know, everyone wants love, and those who say they don't are probably lying! ;)
Anonymous
June 30th, 2015 9:28pm
Just because someone hurts us doesn't mean that we stop loving them. Love is a stronger thing than that, sometimes to our detriment rather than our advantage.
Geeber
July 7th, 2015 2:40am
You can really be affected by a breakup with a lover. They are usually your closest friend with many intimate feelings. The separation can be upsetting for years as you try to fill that void. It's human nature to try and keep those feelings/relations in tact.
SandSoul
August 10th, 2015 3:22pm
well , love is a powerfull emotion and can affect us very much . But once you broke up , you have to understand that he is - just not the one. If it was you would be together right now. You have to move on and understand that you two were just not meant to be :) you will meet someone that will be right for you
bella0909
December 15th, 2015 2:05am
Well because at first it hurts and then you realize what your missing and want them back it is natural
Flapperson
February 2nd, 2016 7:48am
If you have lost your heart to someone you'd obviously want it back or else you'd feel like you're half of what you came with carrying the same weight.
bubblyNight88
September 6th, 2016 2:03pm
As that's the person you've learnt to grow onto and the person who had become apart of your daily life
Fraz
September 19th, 2016 4:05am
It's because of nostalgia. Most of the times, when someone looks back at their old relationships, they recall all the good times. Thus, leaving the person with a feeling of wanting those good times back.
katelisalyn
November 14th, 2017 8:15pm
Because there will always be a part of them that sticks with you. You will always remember them as they were before they hurt you and your mind plays tricks on your emotions and you tend to think that they're that person even if they're not.
Anonymous
November 20th, 2017 1:36am
Because that person hurt you when you broke up but you don’t have to stop caring or loving someone if they leave. It’s ususlly not what happens. You will remember the good times over the bad because you will miss them.
PineappleLemon
April 27th, 2020 1:53am
Break-ups are scientifically proven to cause depression-like episodes following the event, with symptoms strengthening for longer relationships. Being desired in a relationship is always a positive attribute. Maybe it was certain positive moments within the relationship that makes you miss them? I speak from being in a past abusive relationship, that was over 5 years ago since the break-up. In my personal experience, I found that it was most definitely not the person that I had missed but it was the positive moments that I did. I think those moments are very normal to experience every now and again though - it definitely does leave you with the sense of "what if?". Does that make sense?