How do I know I should break up with my boyfriend or girlfriend?

167 Answers
Last Updated: 10/09/2018 at 11:31pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Lauren Abasheva, LMHC

Licensed Professional Counselor

A sex positive, and kink knowledgeable therapist with an open mindset and a clear understanding that we are all different.

Top Rated Answers
Mayaisthename
November 15th, 2014 5:50pm
When you not happy with them anymore, but try talking to them first so they have a chance to change
Anonymous
October 29th, 2014 3:57am
You need to walk away from a relationship when it no longer serves you. When you stop growing as a person, when your stuck in place you need to move on. When the relationship doesn't give you anything or make you happy. It sounds selfish, but sometimes you need to think about whats best for YOU.
kusuma
October 27th, 2014 9:48am
Is there anything quite as frustrating watching a friend in a relationship that’s clearly in free-fall? You know damn good and well that he or she needs to detach themselves from the emotional barnacle that is their significant other, but for whatever reason they’re absolutely determined to ride that sucker into the ground? Now imagine how your friends feel when they’re watching you holding on to that toxic relationship for dear life. Whether you genuinely can’t see the toll that your failing coupledom is taking on your life or you simply can’t believe that you could find someone else – or that you deserve better – sometimes you find that you’re an emotional Slim Pickens, riding the A-bomb of their love straight into the Russian steppes that is your relationship and bringing nothing but devastation in your wake. Hey, if that sounds like you, don’t beat yourself up. We’ve all been there. I’ve had one particularly toxic relationship in college that endured for two years between when I realized it needed to end and when I finally broke it off.1 But when I finally did… The only way I can think to describe it is akin to the day I quit the worst job I ever had – doing tech-support for a notable cell-phone company. I was absolutely convinced that the job was draining the life out of me2 and after one particularly trying day that involved a bomb-threat, I finally stood up, threw down my headset, told my supervisor that he could kiss my ass and I was giving my notice and walked out the door. The feeling of freedom that overcame me, like I had just shrugged off a massive weight that I hadn’t realized I was carrying almost set me to tears. Breaking up with my toxic girlfriend? Kinda like that… only better. If I had known then what I know now, I would never have waited so long… especially since I would have been able to recognized the signs that it was long past time to break up. Of course, sometimes it’s easy to mis-read the signs. Just as there’s nothing as soul-killing as being stuck in a relationship gone bad, you don’t want to make the mistake of ending a perfectly healthy relationship just because you mistook the usual ups and downs of every relationship. So let’s look at five signs that it’s time to break up… and when it’s not. #5: Your Lives Are Going In Different Directions One of the best parts of a relationship is building your future together. In an ideal world, this person is your partner-in-crime, the person who you know you’re going to love even when the two of you are broken down and decrepit and you’re having to change their adult diapers. Over time however, you realize that you both have incredibly divergent ideas of what your future entails. You’re excited to pick out the names of your future children… but she’s realizing that she doesn’t want kids. Ever. You’re a driven, ambitious professional and he can’t be bothered to look for work because he’s needs the time to “work on his music”. Or “write his novel.” Or any number of excuses. They seemed plausible – even charming – when you first started but now you’re worried that you’ve tethered yourself to a slacker who’s going to be holding you back. It needn’t be as dramatic as fights over having children or how many. It could be as simple as where the two of you will live, or your where you are with your careers. Where are the two of you going to live: the big city? The suburbs? A house in the middle of nowhere? Are you willing – or able, for that matter – to pull up stakes if your significant other gets an offer for her dream job that requires moving across the country? Or worse: half-way around the globe? Everyone’s familiar with the idea that opposites attract, but in reality, if you’re too different, it’s going to end up being a massive strain on your relationship. As much as you may even genuinely love each other, the cold hard fact is that sometimes being in love just isn’t enough to make a relationship work. When It’s Not: The younger you are, the easier it is to be flexible. The life you imagine for yourself – especially when you’re still in college or fresh out in the world – isn’t necessarily the one that you’ll actually want, or even end up in. In fact, there will be plenty of times that you’ll find that your expectations and dreams have changed and you’re holding onto those old dreams out of habit or nostalgia. Before you pull the trigger, you need to take some time to think about just how firmly you’re committed to your current life… and whether you’re willing to make some sacrifices in the name of your relationship. #4: You’re A Different Person When You’re With Them One of the earliest signs that my college relationship had gone bad came during the summer before I graduated. By necessity, our relationship was temporarily long-distance; we lived a good 3000 miles away from each other, so we wouldn’t be seeing much of each other until the fall rolled back around. Since this was before the days of Skype, ubiquitous cellphones with nationwide minute plans and widely available broadband connections, we were reduced to e-mail, instant messages and long-distance phone calls that threatened to plunge us into bankruptcy. One day, some old friends and I were hanging out at my house getting caught up when my girlfriend at the time called. I picked up the phone and my friends quietly left the room to let me have some privacy. After thirty minutes – at least ten of which were spent saying “Babe, I have to go. My friends are here. I have to go. I have to go.” – one of my friends poked his head through the door. “That was $NAME, wasn’t it?” he asked. “Yeah, how’d you know?” I replied, curious. “Because every time she calls, the life drains right out of you,” he said. At the time, I dismissed him… but he was right. And he wasn’t the only person who noticed. Everybody did. My mother, my brother, my friends in college… all of them saw the profound difference in my attitude, outlook and even my body language when I was with her versus when I was away from her, even for a few hours. I was literally the only person who didn’t see it. And that should have been a warning sign. It can be hard to tell how much we change when we shift between our social circles. We frequently lack the perspective to see the differences. Sometimes it’s as simple as feeling drained when you’re with them and feeling energized when you’re with the rest of your friends. Sometimes it’s a subtle shift between being a dynamic, assertive person when you’re away from your significant other and becoming a submissive beta when you’re with them, afraid to take a stand for fear of provoking another fight. It’s natural that you’re going to behave slightly differently depending on who you’re hanging out with. But night and day changes are a sign of trouble. Now don’t get me wrong: your relationship isn’t a democracy, and your family and friends don’t get ultimate veto power over who you date. But when all of your friends are pointing out how sad or upset you seem whenever you’re with your girlfriend… it’s time to start thinking of getting out. When It’s Not: Consider the numbers and sources. Is it just all of your friends or just a couple of them? Are your friends jealous that your relationship is taking you away from them, or are they genuinely concerned for your welfare? Is the problem that you’re not as willing to indulge in juvenile or even hazardous behavior ever since you started dating your current partner? There are times when you realize that your friendships are what have turned toxic, not your relationship with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Sometimes your boyfriend has a legitimate reason to hate your friends. #3) You Fight Wrong. Every relationship has it’s moments of friction and conflict to be sure. But when you guys fight, you fight. I’m not talking about resentful silence on the drive home or the occasional blow-up or even the long-standing Topics Which You Do Not Discuss. I mean the old-fashioned knock-down, drag out screaming matches that seemingly spring up out of nowhere. The little jibes and teases you used to trade back and forth aren’t flirty anymore; they’re the opening salvos in the coming war. You fight over everything and when you do, you both fight dirty. Nothing is off limits; you’ll both drag up incidents from the past that you had thought were long behind you and you both aim deliberately for each other’s weak spots. You know he’s sensitive about his weight. He knows you’re embarrassed by your sexual past. You’ll threaten to leave her there and go home. She threatens to fuck someone else in revenge. It doesn’t matter what the latest inciting incident was; now it’s just another in a long string of triggers. You don’t make up so much as reach an uneasy detente. You may make your (temporary) peace and resolve to make things better but you both know that resentment is still there, bubbling under the surface and just waiting to erupt again and no amount of make-up sex is going to fix things. It’s one thing to have a fight – they happen, no matter how “perfect” the relationship is. It’s another when what you’re fighting about isn’t really what you’re fighting about. When you’re fighting wrong – when you’re not listening to the underlying meaning of what the two of you are saying, when you’re both using past mistakes that you’ve supposedly forgiven as weapons – the issue frequently isn’t the subject of the fight. The issue is the two of you. And it’s a sign that it’s time to drop the hammer on your relationship and get out. When It’s Not: Fighting in and of itself isn’t a sign that something’s wrong with a relationship, nor is never fighting a sign that everything’s perfect. Sometimes fighting can be the results of two passionate people in a relationship. Sometimes it’s a legitimate airing of grievances. As long as you’re fighting fairly – you’re sticking to the issue at hand, you’re taking care not to deliberately hurt each other’s feelings, you’re taking the time to be aware that what you’re saying may not be what she’s hearing – fights aren’t a sign that the end is nigh. They’re just signs that there is something the two of you need to work out. #2) You Have No Life Outside of the Relationship Dipping back into the aforementioned disaster that was my college relationship, I quickly learned that my life outside of my relationship with my ex had been summarily curtailed. Hanging out with my friends was tolerated only grudgingly, and even then only for limited amounts of time. My hobbies? Similarly cut back. I wasn’t going to the comic store without her. Any movies I saw were ones she would see with me and no others. Gaming? That was “stupid” and “juvenile”, and she couldn’t possibly see why I would like it – she and her friends would make fun of me , to my face, for playing D&D. The few times I was allowed to rejoin my gaming group were the subject of intense negotiation… and even then, I would frequently find myself being dragged away with little warning or explanation. Time away over the winter and summer breaks were not much better. Woe betide he who did not spend all due time on the phone with his girlfriend when she demanded it. To make sure that I could be reached at all times, she bought me a pager (( This should tell you how long ago this was.)) . If I happened to be slow getting back to her, then I’d better have a damned good excuse… like an honest to god invasion. I was beyond whipped. I had no life outside of our relationship… Hell, I wasn’t allowed a life outside of our relationship. And yet, I stuck with it because – rather than seeing these as huge warning signs that I needed to run and never look back – I thought this was just how relationships worked. Not every example needs to be quite as dramatic as mine was, but when your entire life revolves around your partner, it’s a bad sign. When It’s Not: There’s a difference between being codependent – or an abusive relationship, for that matter – and not having a life of your own. Your life may be in transition. You may just not have many friends. You and your girlfriend or boyfriend may just have so many interests in common that you tend to do everything together. The difference is whether you could a life of your own if you were to make the effort, or if you’re forever sublimating your own desires and independence to someone else’s. #1: The Sex Isn’t Working When you first got together, the two of you would set the sheets on fire. For a while, there wasn’t a flat surface in your apartment that you hadn’t banged out on. You couldn’t keep your hands off each other. But then… it all changed. Maybe it was slow and subtle. Maybe it came suddenly and without warning. But where you used to have sex every day and twice on Sundays, now you haven’t in… you’re not entirely sure how long. One day you were a passionate couple and the next… she’s told you that she’s no longer interested in sex. And by extension, neither are you. Or maybe it’s not a matter of incompatible libidos. Maybe it’s a matter of differing interests. He’s really into BDSM, and while you were willing to indulge him a little – you’d let him handcuff you to the bed, maybe some blindfolds and spanking – he’s always wanted more than you felt comfortable doing… and you’re not comfortable letting him off the leash to get his needs met elsewhere. Maybe you’re into anal play but it squicks her out. Maybe she has rape fantasies that give you the wiggins. Maybe it’s not even something so extreme. Maybe it’s just that the sex isn’t good anymore. It’s become routine; five minutes of foreplay, followed by missionary position, with some female superior if you’re lucky. Always at night, always in bed… no variety at all. Or maybe it’s just that you’re tired of sex with your partner, period. You may actually find yourself trying to avoid sex – something that you would never believe you would do. American culture is, still, sex negative in a lot of surprising ways. One of them is the importance of sex in a relationship. We – men, especially – are told that getting strung out over sex in our relationship is a sign that we’re being selfish and that if we truly loved our partner, sex – or the lack thereof – wouldn’t be such a big deal. And yet, ultimately, this just leads to unhappy relationships and infidelity, which will bring about the end of the relationship anyway. The fact of the matter is, sexual satisfaction is an incredibly important component of any successful relationship. When the sex just isn’t working any more – and no amount of work is going to bring it back – the relationship ultimately isn’t working any more. Whether it’s incompatible sex drives or an inability or unwillingness to fulfill certain desires or kinks, an unsatisfying sex life is a sign that it’s time to bite the bullet and end the relationship. When It’s Not: The half-life of sexual passion in a new relationship is six months to a year. The fact of the matter is, it’s difficult – nigh impossible -to maintain the same level of passion that you feel at the start of a relationship. While the passion fades, a stronger, more intimate bond forms. Sex becoming less frequent isn’t per-se a sign of things are wrong with your relationship. The fact of the matter is, in any long-term relationship, passion and sexual attraction will come and go in waves. There will be times when you don’t have sex for months or even years, and then without warning you’ll be like a couple of teenagers again, tearing off your underwear with your teeth. Nor should you be abandoning ship at the first sign of trouble, sexually. Communication and effort are the key. It’s when you’ve tried to fix things and you’re still stuck in that rut that it’s time to consider leaving.
Akirei
September 13th, 2014 3:47am
Talk to your significant other about your feelings if they're still there. If the feelings aren't there then explain why to them and listen to each other.
Anonymous
October 28th, 2014 12:07pm
First be double sure before breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't you make an anxious decision which you would regret. If sure then never break up over a phone call or a message which is the worst trend going on. Sit with the person have a talk, tell the reason why you are going for it. I am sure that's the best way.
justmeerika
November 18th, 2014 1:54pm
There is no right or wrong answer for this question, just like there is no right and wrong answer for a lot of the questions that have any meaning behind them. This is a question that requires a lot of internal reflection and reflection on the relationship as a whole and how it has impacted you. After hanging out with your boyfriend/girlfriend, how do you feel? Do you feel as if he/she has de-stressed you or maybe even stressed you out more? If it's the latter, then you should definitely consider whether this relationship is worth your time. And I would definitely recommend talking to a friend or family member that knows about your relationship with this person and knows you a lot. Those around us see a lot going on in our life that we often miss because we are only looking with one perspective.
GoodGuyChad
October 28th, 2014 9:54pm
If you have to ask it probably means you should. Unless it's a lighthearted relationship that is more like friends with benefits.
Anonymous
November 3rd, 2014 8:16pm
If you're unhappy in the relationship, no matter the reason, then you should end it. If the person you're in a relationship with doesn't treat you well, makes you feel bad about your decisions, or tries to guilt you into doing things, then you should definitely end it.
Morale
November 8th, 2014 8:09am
There are many different factors that could affect whether or not you should break up with your loved one. Perhaps through the struggling times, a single deed from your loved one may be enough to make the relationship worth it. However, when you begin to question yourself more and more on "why you are even dating this person"; it is a key point on when you should begin considering breaking up. As this is the point where your mind's defense mechanisms are warning you there is a critical moment in your relationship.
heyitssaf
November 3rd, 2014 5:58pm
In my own experience, it's a total deep down gut feeling. If they don't make you giggle, if they don't make you feel wanted, or if you don't feel the desire to make them feel wanted, it might not be a healthy relationship. If it's a very long term thing it could just be a rough patch, but if it hasn't been a long time and you're already feel drained, it's probably not worth it, especially if you every are feeling guilty or manipulated by them.
Anonymous
November 4th, 2014 1:03am
When he/she/they become something than just a complement to your life, it may be time for a break up.
Hannah716
November 6th, 2014 10:52pm
Listen to your gut instinct. If it feels wrong them maybe you should think about it. Depending on the situation I believe communication is key.
Rivielle
November 8th, 2014 4:05am
Your the only one who can answer that question, however, breaking up with someone has to have a reason for it and you must think it through because sometimes, people tend to make wrong decisions that we'll regret later. Hope you make the right one and good day!
FeatherIce25
April 3rd, 2015 12:23am
Be sensitive and very honest. Mention how much you enjoyed their comapny but this is not working and it cant happen
Anonymous
February 14th, 2016 2:42am
If you don't feel happy or don't feel a connection in that way or they don't seem to interest you in any thing more than friends i suggest you break up
YourCaringFriend987
February 17th, 2016 8:10am
there are a lot of things.... like if you feel that this relation genuinely doesnt have a future , if you feel that you both happy away from each other more than together... or like talking has just become a responsibility... without any interest...then maybe you should think about breaking up.
Anonymous
October 17th, 2014 11:58pm
If they treat you like your a piece of chewing gum, then you know this person if not for you..
RaleighC
October 23rd, 2014 1:36am
Have you ever made a 'pros and cons' list? It sounds silly, but by putting down in writing both the reasons to break up and to stay together, you can clarify your options and ultimately your answer in your own mind. Plus, having the list may help you have something to refer to when you talk to your significant other.
K4ye
October 24th, 2014 11:47am
when the relationship doesn't work out anymore. It's when he keeps letting me down, not sparing me any chance to feel the same passion we used to have.
Sadiewillow1
October 28th, 2014 5:56pm
I think the most important thing to ask yourself is does being with them make you happy? When you are with them how do they make you feel? If they make you sad more than they make you happy, that doesn't necessarily mean you should break up, but you should recognize that as a problem that needs to be fixed either inside or outside the relationship. And if you are happy when you are with them, then I'd say no matter what if they make you happy you can get through anything else that arises together, and they're worth keeping.
blackrabbit
October 28th, 2014 6:25pm
If you are asking that question, then there must be something that is very difficult to work through. First be honest with yourself, this is the hardest part. Ask yourself what is it that you are not getting from this relationship and talk to your girlfriend or boyfriend about it. The conversation needs to be very direct. Over-communicate is important and never make assumptions. Be clear which part you are communicating is purely emotional (venting) and which part is the actual issue (this is what needs to be resolved). The end goal is to have an action plan (what will you both do differently as an EXPERIMENT) to resolve the problem. If you feel like there isn't anything neither one of you are willing/can do to resolve the issue then it's time to move on.
Anonymous
November 2nd, 2014 6:11am
Ask yourself if you still love them? If not then you know, breakup with them. Breaking up with them will be difficult. But time will make it better because one day you'll find that special someone.
helpmeHelpyou61
November 4th, 2014 6:52am
When you think that you are in love with the memories of him/ her instead of him/her. I believe then is the right time.
SunAfterRainyDay
November 7th, 2014 6:50am
The first question would be"are you both happy?"and if not, can you both work out on thé relation ship?
Anonymous
November 8th, 2014 4:23am
Break down your thoughts into a list of pros and cons of what you like and dislike about them, etc. That list will make things more clear to you as to what you should do.
BroadwayBaby
November 17th, 2014 4:34pm
When you start to feel unhappy or uncomfortable in this relationship. But you know what's best for you.
Pandette
November 17th, 2014 9:44pm
Well, I think you need to do a bit of self-reflection to answer this question. Are you still happy with your boyfriend/girlfriend? What is it that makes you want to stay with them or why do you want to leave? Try thinking of questions you might want the answer to or make a list of pro's and con's. Honestly, it all depends on you. Are you happy in the relationship?
Anonymous
November 20th, 2014 6:25pm
you shouldn't think of these stuff.. Concentrate on how you guys will improve as a couple and not like this...
Kaylei72
March 13th, 2015 3:18am
If they do not treat you well. The key to a relationship is to always be nice and kind. Dont let it get to the point where it can be abusive. Also if you lose interest, you dont want to continue the relationship.
Anonymous
March 22nd, 2015 4:48pm
There are many factors that weigh in to that. Do you feel safe with them? Are you happy with the relationship? Are you happy with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Self evaluation should happen first. Only after you've asked yourself all the necessary questions and are content with the conclusions you've come to, then you can make the decision.