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How do I tell my boyfriend I'm not happy?

307 Answers
Last Updated: 06/08/2022 at 7:13pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
Greece
Moderated by

Johanna Liasides, MSc, PhDc

Psychologist

I work with youth and young adults to help them improve depressive symptoms and self-esteem as well as effectively address family, relationship and peer conflicts.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
November 28th, 2020 2:29pm
I will understand my emotions clearly first like whether I am really unhappy or not before deciding to tell him. Then I will meet with him tell him that I am not contented and happy with the relationship and the reason behind it. If he understands, we will talk things out and try to find solutions to the problem. If he tries to deny and argue, I will give him some time to think about it. If i continue feel like I am really happy with what is happening , then I can't help it and talk things out with him again.
Iamstupidtoo
December 3rd, 2020 3:15am
its actually great that you show the signs of communicating and not just ending things on bad terms. To achieve your goal , you need to plan the timing, dont delay it too much. plan the time, tell your partner that you have important to discuss, make a comfortable environment for both of you and start telling how have you been feeling lately about the relationship, directing towards you not being happy, indicating the causes of it. explain all the reasons and possible causes of it. if you think you can work on it with the help of your partner then Ask for the help. incase you think you cant help it, make things clear to your partner and ask them to give your time to reevaluate things again?
Anonymous
December 16th, 2020 10:18pm
I would try to write a letter. Often times this can be very effective because you’re getting your words out and can reflect back on it. Re-read it a few times and give it to him when ready. Also, try talking in person. Remember to stay calm and try to be as empathetic as possible. Explain why you are not happy and what could possibly change. Be open about everything and try to listen to what your boyfriend says about the situation. Make a plan together and decide on how you both can “win” in the relationship. Good luck!
LDestiny
December 17th, 2020 9:05am
Why is it that you feel unhappy? Perhaps you should open up the conversation with the reasons you feel the way you do. Use of "I" statements is also really important in these cases. A good start might be to consider writing it all down for yourself in order to get your thoughts straight and this alone may also be helpful. You may also want to consider beforehand what your goals are in having the conversation. What do you want to get out of it? Opening up/beginning the conversation can be the hardest part, but don't overthink it, simply be direct and honest.
Anonymous
January 1st, 2021 4:55pm
I belive the best way of how to tell your boyfriend that you aren't happy in your relationship is with an open and honest conversation with him! The crucial part of it is that you stay genuine and honest and truly explain to him of how you really feel. I know you might be afraid of perhaps hurting his feelings or something but at the same time you are hurting yourself by not telling him of how you truly feel about this whole relationship. You can tell him the truth yet still be gentle about it but make sure to not let any of the important parts out thats the only way of making peace with your consciousness and your boyfriend at the same time..who knows you might be even able to come to a conclussion where you both can be happy and work things out in the end :)!!!
specialSnow9454
January 3rd, 2021 2:43pm
Don't try to give signs. Just say it to him when you both are alone. But first of all try to find the reason that why you are not happy yourself then communicate it with him. Giving signs is only going to make the matters worse. You can initiate by saying that you want to talk to him and then just pour your heart out but remember that he is not incharge of your happiness,may be he can ease it a bit but still your happiness is your own responsibility that you need to fulfill for yourself.
Anonymous
January 7th, 2021 1:54am
Try to find a calm moment when you're both together in person. Think about what makes you unhappy and try to tell him what you can in the moment. You dont have to say it all, just one point that you can share with him at the moment. Then you can both think together how to solve the situation you're feeling in general or in the relationship. It can become a moment where you can explain what you're going through and your needs. You can think of what to say before, maybe the most important point, or what is hurting the most.
Anonymous
January 14th, 2021 9:12pm
The best thing to do is to tell them directly. An essential part of a relationship is communication. Make sure to explain your feelings thoroughly to them, what's making you unhappy, why do you feel this way, etc. Making these feelings known to your partner prevents further complications in your relationship. You need to let them know, so that they have a chance to help and understand you. When you choose to bottle up these emotions, suspicions and misunderstandings can arise between the two of you. In my experience, it's always best to tell them directly instead of hinting it to them. There is a chance of disapproval or misunderstanding when telling them, but the most important part is putting it out there.
AndrewLupis
January 15th, 2021 2:41pm
Communication is critical to any relationship. It is important to trust your significant other with your feelings no matter how difficult it may seem. Choose what you feel is the best time and also the earliest time to tell your partner that you have not been happy and ask if now would be a good time to have a discussion about it. Otherwise, ask your partner when might be a better time for discussion so that you can get the most attentive response. Problems should never wait long to be addressed because they can increase in severity and become much greater problems in the future. All situations are unique and require a different level of attention based on the circumstances and the people involved.
Anonymous
January 28th, 2021 7:21pm
Communication is the key to nurture any sort of relationship in life. If you believe in your relationship and know that you and your partner share an intimate bond, then it's worth expressing your true and authentic feelings and thoughts with your partner. Taking this step can seem a bit scary because there's always a risk that what if our partner doesn't take it in the way we want them to, however trust in your partner, they would understand. If conversation seems hard to initiate, try to engage in activities that you both mutually enjoy doing and which give you shared happiness.
joyfulMango7240
February 20th, 2021 12:09am
Honestly I was in a similar situation recently and how I choose to approach it to wait for a time when we were alone and it was peaceful and told him I wanted to talk. Even though it took me time to build the courage, he waited for me to be ready and I just said and right now I feel much better about it now and he didn't expect me to explain myself but it can be different for everyone. Overall, I think it's great you want to be honest about your feelings, go on, its gonna be okay
Mynameisj831
February 20th, 2021 4:22am
The most important thing in a healthy relationship is having good communication. If you are unhappy, tell them what's making you feel that way and what you want them to do differently. Not expressing your feelings will only worsen the problem! If no changes are made after the conversation or if they dismiss your feelings and concerns, it may indicate a bigger problem in the relationship. It is best if you are able to have this conversation in person so that your emotions and his reactions are clear. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else and if he's not treating you as you should, drop him!
Anonymous
March 7th, 2021 7:28pm
Your feelings are valid. Be open, calm, and patient. Choose a time that is not interrupting, and where there is calm or quiet. It may help you to ask yourself some deep questions first. Can you pinpoint specific behaviors that add to your unhappiness? Are there specific areas in the relationship you feel could be improved that would affect this? What other feelings are underneath this happiness? For example, are you feeling neglected, controlled, burdened, etc? These questions will help you understand what you need in this pairing, and it's okay to have needs. Try to think of some concrete actions that can be taken by your partner (or yourself) that can, over time, elevate your feelings in this relationship. Maybe an extra hug out of the blue now and then, or eye-contact when you are talking, or whatever you can think of. Try to keep an open-mind when you're thinking of these things. If this unhappiness is causing you misery and interfering with your day-to-day life, it's okay to reconsider this pairing, remember the good times, and think about how you can prioritize yourself :) Remember that we are not beholden to stay in unhappy situations, and there is no real rule book. Best of luck to you!
sheridanvera
March 21st, 2021 1:18pm
Sitting down with him and having a conversation in person is always the best way - communication within relationships is an incredibly important thing. Put yourself in a situation where you're both comfy and in the right headspace and just let the words come out. If he knows you well enough, he might already know and he might be willing to help you get through things. If you're not happy in your relationship though - you've gotta find a way of talking this through with him, again in a situation where you feel safe and comfortable. He might be upset that you don't feel happy but then this way together you can work through why you're unhappy and potentially fix things. I hope things work out :)
Anonymous
April 21st, 2021 4:42am
hm well, you always need to tell how you feel to your s/o. you and your boyfriend needs to know how each other feels, im sure he'll understand when you say you're not happy and he also should be understanding about it. i think you should try having a conversation with him, while you're having a conversation with him try to bring up how you aren't happy. communication is always important in anywhere, especially in ur relationship. you need to be open about your feelings. of course when you're ready, you should tell him. communication is always the key. i hope everything goes well! < 3
Anonymous
April 28th, 2021 6:10am
Sounds like you find it hard to openly talk with your boyfriend. There may be many a number of reasons for your reason. Mostly this's due to the fear of losing your relationship and your boyfriend. But holding back what you wanna say may not benefit any of you as we have no idea of whether he himself is aware that you are unhappy. So i feel like you should open up with him. So that he'll atleast be aware and both of you can figure out a solution together. It will be better if you speak out while spending time alone. Don't hesitate even he'll be happy for you being real with him.
Hakon
May 6th, 2021 12:19am
Just doing it straight is almost always the best strategy. Do it in a structured and direct manner. Men and boys tend to understand things liturally, so if you go around the bush or do it in some indirect manner, there is a chance he will misunderstand. That having been said, it is important to not say it in an accusing manner. Say it like you would open up to a good friend, showing your vurnurability. This will, in turn, invite him to do what he can to help out in the situation. When all of this is considered, you should get to the reason why things aren't making you happy, if you are so lucky as to know it. If you dont know, then consider that there could be a load of factors contributing to your unhappiness, all of these factors definently synergize on one another. I wish you all the best and hope for the best! Cheers to you!
LetsCherishLife
May 12th, 2021 8:48pm
I think the first thing I'd suggest would be to choose a positive formulation. Not as in a word that's rated positively but a word with the negative feeling you are experiencing that doesn't contain a negation like not or "un-"/"in-". At one hand that makes it easier to realize for your partner and as well it can help you with the next thing I would suggest and that is identifying that sense of unhappiness closer. In what terms do you feel unhappy, is it frustrated, jealous, sad, lonely.. it can be anything even not named here. Once you figured this out you can identify what causes that feeling or those certain thoughts so you can think of ways how he, yourself or you both together can make it better and ask him directly if that would be an option. If you just say hey im unhappy he will be wondering if it is his fault or not and what he is supposed to do about it. It can help if you're that step ahead and can communicate it to him directly for example: I feel sad/lonely because we spend so little time together. Would it be possible to meet at least once a week/ phone every evening? Or: I feel jealous because I know you are still in contact with your ex. Would it be an option for you to stop contacting or reduce the contact? Or maybe if it's something not even directly related to the relationship but more to yourself: I am depressed because I don't get things done lately. Could you help me with my motivation by asking me about my plans each morning and how much I got done each evening? And if you are struggling to identify your concrete feeling or ways to change it you can communicate it to him as well: I have been feeling a sense of sadness lately but I am not even sure why, can you help me figure that out? I would like to make our relationship more adventurous but I'm lacking of ideas how. Do you have ideas/can we brainstorm together? After all do not forget that it is your partner and you know them better than anyone here so you would know best how exactly you should or shouldnt talk to them. I suggest to (even if you feel like it is) don't give him the impression that it is ultimately his fault. Admit that there is something not ok with you/ your feelings at the moment and you are hoping for his support in this because you feel like he would want you to be ok.
brilliantAngel1538
May 30th, 2021 12:53pm
There is nothing better than being direct and clear. Do not complicate yourself. Just go to him and tell him how you feel. A boyfriend is like your bestfriend, he is there to listen to you as well as he wants to be heard by you. So just communicate clearly and avoid being indirect as it just makes the situation confusing. You can mention him how you are not feeling as happy or as motivated, maybe talk about the reasons behind it, about what you can do to improve this. And he will be there to listen and support you.
Purplebalance
June 2nd, 2021 6:25pm
Having a serious conversation with someone that you care about can create anxiety especially if you've experienced a negative response in the past. It's important to identify what's making you unhappy so you can be clear when you speak to your boyfriend. Understanding any fears you have and finding support from a trusted friend or Listener is a good step. It's a good idea to find a time when you both are free of any distractions, and in a calm moment. I may be helpful to write key points down and use "I" statements to avoid him becoming defensive. If you see him becoming defensive, stop and try the statement again letting him know that you've noticed you were starting to blame and that wasn't your intention. You may need to take a break and try again.
Anonymous
June 10th, 2021 7:52am
Your boyfriend obviously cares about you. That's why the two of you are together, in a relationship. Your boyfriend must respect you as a person as well as your decisions. In terms of what you should do, how you should tell him, it depends on the reason you're not happy. If it has to do with your boyfriend you have no choice but to tell him. Otherwise, the situation will never get better and you'll only feel worse. It's hard, but sometimes there's nothing else but to rip that bandaid off and tell him. Tell him you're not happy and be direct in what you want from him in return. If he's worth having, he'll understand.
cherokeegurl21
June 24th, 2021 11:34pm
Just be honest. He should understand and be willing to listen. Don't be afraid to be open with one another. Relationships are teamwork and compromise. Take some alone time with each other everyday to discuss how each other's day went and how you are feeling. I always feel a lot better after being open and discussing my feelings with my boyfriend. I am always nervous he will not see my point of view. However, we end up talking about how we feel and always end up feeling better. Be open and be yourself.
JuliaGlowingHeart
September 10th, 2021 7:50pm
You just have to not being afraid to communicate. Tell him nicely how you feel and be honest. By seeing your honesty and seriousness, he will immediately know that you are being honest and there you go. If you want, note all the things that are making you unhappy and just read it to him to avoid missing anything. In that way you'll be sure you did not missed any points and you will also feel much better for telling everything you needed to tell. By writing things down, especially when you tend to forget important points when talking face to face with a person, you'll actually make sure you've said whatever needed to be said. Hope that helped.
Anonymous
September 16th, 2021 5:56pm
You could take him somewhere and sit him down, tell him you have something to talk about with him and then tell him that you aren't feeling happy in the relationship anymore. You can then see if there is anything he can fix or if you both agree that a break up works for both you, if he doesn't like the idea of you breaking up and takes it really badly just remember that your happiness is just as important as anyone else's! I would also recommend talking to a friend or family member before you sit down with him to get some advice.
Anonymous
November 12th, 2021 8:47pm
Just be honest with him! Communication is so important. I say this to a lot of my members because it seems to be a very common issue. Our society has forgotten to actually talk about their feelings and make themselves heard. If you are unhappy with something and you need to tell your boyfriend, just do it! If he cares and loves you, then this should not be burden for him and should be more than willing to listen and help you through whatever it is you need to address. At the end of the day if you aren't happy, then how are you going to be happy together? Healthy relationships are never one sided and you should be there for one another.
BRKlovesu
November 24th, 2021 5:57am
News, both good and bad, is better delivered when both parties are rested and not distracted. It is important that you both are giving each other your full attention. Telling someone that you care about or cared about that you are unhappy will be alot for your boyfriend to digest. Men are basically egocentric and I do believe that most men want to make their mate happy but maybe they don't know how to do it. If you are unhappy then you need to clearly state why. Don't attack or belittle. If the relationship is worth saving, offer some suggestions on how it might improve and state that you are willing to work towards a relationship that works for both of you.
stellaglaze
January 6th, 2022 8:21am
If you're having issues in your relationship, one of the most important things to do is to be communicative! Expressing your emotions and being open helps to clear up any confusion or issues and being honest and forthcoming makes bonds in relationships SO much stronger! If you're feeling unhappy, you could go directly to your boyfriend and explain to him calmly and kindly why you're feeling that way, and you guys can talk about ways to fix that problem. Going to a close friend, parent, or even school counselor can also be super helpful because having someone to talk to and get your emotions out can sometimes be a great way to help you understand yourself why you're feeling unhappy.
cuddlyIceCream2704
January 7th, 2022 7:16am
Opening up to our loved ones about struggle should be something intuitive to us when we have acceptance for ourselves, and our relationships are healthy. When we find that this is something difficult to do, this should prompt us to inquire about our hesitation. Are we ashamed or embarrassed? Are we engaging in avoidance behaviour to convince ourselves that all is well? Is there mistrust in the relationship as a result of insecurity? Or has our partner failed to provide emotional support in the past? These are the questions we need to ask in order to find a way forward.
organticDaisy390
January 23rd, 2022 8:18pm
The most important thing is to be honest with him. This does not mean that you have to be harsh or attempt to hurt him, but if you are unhappy with how things are going, you need to be up front and communicate that with him. I can not tell you how exactly to go about that or what to say as I do not know what exactly is making you unhappy with your current situation. However, I can say that if possible, you should have this conversation face to face in a one on one, intentional manner. This will help the communication process as you can gather much more from an in person conversation than one over text on the phone.
teacup130
February 18th, 2022 7:07pm
First, choose the right time to talk to him aka when he is mentally in a good place to accept what you are saying, then talk to him about your feelings and the reasons that made you unhappy. It can be hard but it's better than keep acting like you're happy. The longer you pretend the more you both will get hurt. If he is a good person he will respect your feelings. Of course, you can discuss if you want to give your relationship another chance or you want to break up. The only important thing is to tell him the truth.