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How do I tell my boyfriend I'm not happy?

307 Answers
Last Updated: 06/08/2022 at 7:13pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
Greece
Moderated by

Johanna Liasides, MSc, PhDc

Psychologist

I work with youth and young adults to help them improve depressive symptoms and self-esteem as well as effectively address family, relationship and peer conflicts.

Top Rated Answers
StrawberryJamm
July 7th, 2019 11:37am
It is inevitable that we will experience some unhappiness in relationships, being hurt or disappointed is a natural part of being human. The most loving way to express this is to do so vulnerably. Avoid criticising anything that he does or saying anything about him, as this may cause him to try to defend himself or his behaviour. Instead, always use statements beginning with the word "I" to openly share how YOU feel about an aspect of the relationship. You can never go wrong expressing how you feel, because when our partners tell us genuinely that they are unhappy, we have a natural striving to satisfy them, because we love them.
Hanaa00
July 11th, 2019 10:16am
This is something I have struggled with for a very long time. In the end, the relationship completely fell apart just because there was a lack of communication, I didn’t know how to communicate those feelings to him, because I feared he wouldn’t understand. I think it’s important that you do let your boyfriend know that you’re unhappy, and not just imply it, but communicate it loud and clear. Even if he doesn’t understand or is confused about it, you know that you have expressed yourself and have been open with the way you’re feeling. That is always a key to everything in a relationship- communication.
Anonymous
July 17th, 2019 9:59am
Simply by saying it. Try to open a conversation without trying to accuse him or put any guilt on either of you. Try to have an honest conversations about how you feel and how you would like to work together on this. Don't try to just give subtle hints, they might not catch on and will leave you both frustrated. If you feel talking isn't as easy, try to prepare by talking to some friends or family first. Don't be afraid, if you're in a loving relationship this there should be room for this and only make your relationship stronger. You can do it!
waterkid1024
August 2nd, 2019 3:03pm
this can be hard, especially if it's hard to describe what's making you unhappy. the first thing is: there should be no pressure for you to be happy if your needs aren't being met. you don't need to adjust your standards! I would take a couple steps to make sure you're both in a conversational space that's relaxed, uninterrupted, and sincere. It can also help to make a list of things you need to talk about. It could be as simple as a list of your needs that are not being met. Be open to their response, but also make sure that you are being validated, heard, and taken seriously. I don't think it's possible to hurt someone by telling them that you have needs that are not being met. it's your responsibility to meet those needs, not theirs, and having an honest conversation like this one is a good, proactive way to look out for your self!
Anonymous
August 3rd, 2019 2:45pm
Tell him that you need to talk to him privately. And let him know how you are feeling, if it’s the relationship itself that you are unhappy with, let him know, or on the flip side, if it’s him that makes you unhappy, let him know. If you tell him in a manner that’s explaining and not blaming that’s a good way to tell him your feelings and thoughts. Good communication is key to be in a relationship that you want to be in. Also if he has concerns let him talk as well. When you talk to him, let him wait till you are completely done telling him how you feel.
Bright22
August 10th, 2019 9:47am
Telling someone how you feel isn't so easy ,because it all comes with a reaction. How people react will also determine ,whether we feel better or not. So its important to have in mind that the conversation may go either way. Its however also important that you have good intentions before telling your boyfriend how you feel,do you want him to feel guilty about something or do you genuinely just want support from him. Sometimes going without expectations is safe ,as you are open to any reaction. Going back to the question, the best way to tell him is in a calm manner ,clearly explaining to him why you feel unhappy and also explaining to him why you are telling him ( What you hope to achieve through the conversation) about your feelings . Try not to argue and be calm throughout the conversation ,say what you feel and allow him to share whatever he needs to. Validate each others emotions ,try not to justify too much ,as that leads to misunderstandings. ^-^
Anonymous
September 11th, 2019 6:16pm
just be straight up. honesty is the best policy. they will probably want to talk about it all so figure out what it is that has made you not happy and help them to understand. If you are wanting to break up with them then make sure not to put any blame on them and just apologise. Its nobodies fault this has happened, it just has. just be gentle and keep the conversation calm and civil. it will be a lot easier that way to be able to talk together about it properly. As this is very important. they will thank you for being honest in the long run. and you will also be glad for being honest
Purplebalance
June 2nd, 2021 6:25pm
Having a serious conversation with someone that you care about can create anxiety especially if you've experienced a negative response in the past. It's important to identify what's making you unhappy so you can be clear when you speak to your boyfriend. Understanding any fears you have and finding support from a trusted friend or Listener is a good step. It's a good idea to find a time when you both are free of any distractions, and in a calm moment. I may be helpful to write key points down and use "I" statements to avoid him becoming defensive. If you see him becoming defensive, stop and try the statement again letting him know that you've noticed you were starting to blame and that wasn't your intention. You may need to take a break and try again.
Anonymous
December 16th, 2020 10:18pm
I would try to write a letter. Often times this can be very effective because you’re getting your words out and can reflect back on it. Re-read it a few times and give it to him when ready. Also, try talking in person. Remember to stay calm and try to be as empathetic as possible. Explain why you are not happy and what could possibly change. Be open about everything and try to listen to what your boyfriend says about the situation. Make a plan together and decide on how you both can “win” in the relationship. Good luck!
LDestiny
December 17th, 2020 9:05am
Why is it that you feel unhappy? Perhaps you should open up the conversation with the reasons you feel the way you do. Use of "I" statements is also really important in these cases. A good start might be to consider writing it all down for yourself in order to get your thoughts straight and this alone may also be helpful. You may also want to consider beforehand what your goals are in having the conversation. What do you want to get out of it? Opening up/beginning the conversation can be the hardest part, but don't overthink it, simply be direct and honest.
Anonymous
January 1st, 2021 4:55pm
I belive the best way of how to tell your boyfriend that you aren't happy in your relationship is with an open and honest conversation with him! The crucial part of it is that you stay genuine and honest and truly explain to him of how you really feel. I know you might be afraid of perhaps hurting his feelings or something but at the same time you are hurting yourself by not telling him of how you truly feel about this whole relationship. You can tell him the truth yet still be gentle about it but make sure to not let any of the important parts out thats the only way of making peace with your consciousness and your boyfriend at the same time..who knows you might be even able to come to a conclussion where you both can be happy and work things out in the end :)!!!
specialSnow9454
January 3rd, 2021 2:43pm
Don't try to give signs. Just say it to him when you both are alone. But first of all try to find the reason that why you are not happy yourself then communicate it with him. Giving signs is only going to make the matters worse. You can initiate by saying that you want to talk to him and then just pour your heart out but remember that he is not incharge of your happiness,may be he can ease it a bit but still your happiness is your own responsibility that you need to fulfill for yourself.
Anonymous
January 7th, 2021 1:54am
Try to find a calm moment when you're both together in person. Think about what makes you unhappy and try to tell him what you can in the moment. You dont have to say it all, just one point that you can share with him at the moment. Then you can both think together how to solve the situation you're feeling in general or in the relationship. It can become a moment where you can explain what you're going through and your needs. You can think of what to say before, maybe the most important point, or what is hurting the most.
Anonymous
January 14th, 2021 9:12pm
The best thing to do is to tell them directly. An essential part of a relationship is communication. Make sure to explain your feelings thoroughly to them, what's making you unhappy, why do you feel this way, etc. Making these feelings known to your partner prevents further complications in your relationship. You need to let them know, so that they have a chance to help and understand you. When you choose to bottle up these emotions, suspicions and misunderstandings can arise between the two of you. In my experience, it's always best to tell them directly instead of hinting it to them. There is a chance of disapproval or misunderstanding when telling them, but the most important part is putting it out there.
AndrewLupis
January 15th, 2021 2:41pm
Communication is critical to any relationship. It is important to trust your significant other with your feelings no matter how difficult it may seem. Choose what you feel is the best time and also the earliest time to tell your partner that you have not been happy and ask if now would be a good time to have a discussion about it. Otherwise, ask your partner when might be a better time for discussion so that you can get the most attentive response. Problems should never wait long to be addressed because they can increase in severity and become much greater problems in the future. All situations are unique and require a different level of attention based on the circumstances and the people involved.
Anonymous
January 28th, 2021 7:21pm
Communication is the key to nurture any sort of relationship in life. If you believe in your relationship and know that you and your partner share an intimate bond, then it's worth expressing your true and authentic feelings and thoughts with your partner. Taking this step can seem a bit scary because there's always a risk that what if our partner doesn't take it in the way we want them to, however trust in your partner, they would understand. If conversation seems hard to initiate, try to engage in activities that you both mutually enjoy doing and which give you shared happiness.
joyfulMango7240
February 20th, 2021 12:09am
Honestly I was in a similar situation recently and how I choose to approach it to wait for a time when we were alone and it was peaceful and told him I wanted to talk. Even though it took me time to build the courage, he waited for me to be ready and I just said and right now I feel much better about it now and he didn't expect me to explain myself but it can be different for everyone. Overall, I think it's great you want to be honest about your feelings, go on, its gonna be okay
Mynameisj831
February 20th, 2021 4:22am
The most important thing in a healthy relationship is having good communication. If you are unhappy, tell them what's making you feel that way and what you want them to do differently. Not expressing your feelings will only worsen the problem! If no changes are made after the conversation or if they dismiss your feelings and concerns, it may indicate a bigger problem in the relationship. It is best if you are able to have this conversation in person so that your emotions and his reactions are clear. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else and if he's not treating you as you should, drop him!
Anonymous
March 7th, 2021 7:28pm
Your feelings are valid. Be open, calm, and patient. Choose a time that is not interrupting, and where there is calm or quiet. It may help you to ask yourself some deep questions first. Can you pinpoint specific behaviors that add to your unhappiness? Are there specific areas in the relationship you feel could be improved that would affect this? What other feelings are underneath this happiness? For example, are you feeling neglected, controlled, burdened, etc? These questions will help you understand what you need in this pairing, and it's okay to have needs. Try to think of some concrete actions that can be taken by your partner (or yourself) that can, over time, elevate your feelings in this relationship. Maybe an extra hug out of the blue now and then, or eye-contact when you are talking, or whatever you can think of. Try to keep an open-mind when you're thinking of these things. If this unhappiness is causing you misery and interfering with your day-to-day life, it's okay to reconsider this pairing, remember the good times, and think about how you can prioritize yourself :) Remember that we are not beholden to stay in unhappy situations, and there is no real rule book. Best of luck to you!
sheridanvera
March 21st, 2021 1:18pm
Sitting down with him and having a conversation in person is always the best way - communication within relationships is an incredibly important thing. Put yourself in a situation where you're both comfy and in the right headspace and just let the words come out. If he knows you well enough, he might already know and he might be willing to help you get through things. If you're not happy in your relationship though - you've gotta find a way of talking this through with him, again in a situation where you feel safe and comfortable. He might be upset that you don't feel happy but then this way together you can work through why you're unhappy and potentially fix things. I hope things work out :)
Anonymous
April 21st, 2021 4:42am
hm well, you always need to tell how you feel to your s/o. you and your boyfriend needs to know how each other feels, im sure he'll understand when you say you're not happy and he also should be understanding about it. i think you should try having a conversation with him, while you're having a conversation with him try to bring up how you aren't happy. communication is always important in anywhere, especially in ur relationship. you need to be open about your feelings. of course when you're ready, you should tell him. communication is always the key. i hope everything goes well! < 3
Anonymous
April 28th, 2021 6:10am
Sounds like you find it hard to openly talk with your boyfriend. There may be many a number of reasons for your reason. Mostly this's due to the fear of losing your relationship and your boyfriend. But holding back what you wanna say may not benefit any of you as we have no idea of whether he himself is aware that you are unhappy. So i feel like you should open up with him. So that he'll atleast be aware and both of you can figure out a solution together. It will be better if you speak out while spending time alone. Don't hesitate even he'll be happy for you being real with him.
Hakon
May 6th, 2021 12:19am
Just doing it straight is almost always the best strategy. Do it in a structured and direct manner. Men and boys tend to understand things liturally, so if you go around the bush or do it in some indirect manner, there is a chance he will misunderstand. That having been said, it is important to not say it in an accusing manner. Say it like you would open up to a good friend, showing your vurnurability. This will, in turn, invite him to do what he can to help out in the situation. When all of this is considered, you should get to the reason why things aren't making you happy, if you are so lucky as to know it. If you dont know, then consider that there could be a load of factors contributing to your unhappiness, all of these factors definently synergize on one another. I wish you all the best and hope for the best! Cheers to you!
LetsCherishLife
May 12th, 2021 8:48pm
I think the first thing I'd suggest would be to choose a positive formulation. Not as in a word that's rated positively but a word with the negative feeling you are experiencing that doesn't contain a negation like not or "un-"/"in-". At one hand that makes it easier to realize for your partner and as well it can help you with the next thing I would suggest and that is identifying that sense of unhappiness closer. In what terms do you feel unhappy, is it frustrated, jealous, sad, lonely.. it can be anything even not named here. Once you figured this out you can identify what causes that feeling or those certain thoughts so you can think of ways how he, yourself or you both together can make it better and ask him directly if that would be an option. If you just say hey im unhappy he will be wondering if it is his fault or not and what he is supposed to do about it. It can help if you're that step ahead and can communicate it to him directly for example: I feel sad/lonely because we spend so little time together. Would it be possible to meet at least once a week/ phone every evening? Or: I feel jealous because I know you are still in contact with your ex. Would it be an option for you to stop contacting or reduce the contact? Or maybe if it's something not even directly related to the relationship but more to yourself: I am depressed because I don't get things done lately. Could you help me with my motivation by asking me about my plans each morning and how much I got done each evening? And if you are struggling to identify your concrete feeling or ways to change it you can communicate it to him as well: I have been feeling a sense of sadness lately but I am not even sure why, can you help me figure that out? I would like to make our relationship more adventurous but I'm lacking of ideas how. Do you have ideas/can we brainstorm together? After all do not forget that it is your partner and you know them better than anyone here so you would know best how exactly you should or shouldnt talk to them. I suggest to (even if you feel like it is) don't give him the impression that it is ultimately his fault. Admit that there is something not ok with you/ your feelings at the moment and you are hoping for his support in this because you feel like he would want you to be ok.
brilliantAngel1538
May 30th, 2021 12:53pm
There is nothing better than being direct and clear. Do not complicate yourself. Just go to him and tell him how you feel. A boyfriend is like your bestfriend, he is there to listen to you as well as he wants to be heard by you. So just communicate clearly and avoid being indirect as it just makes the situation confusing. You can mention him how you are not feeling as happy or as motivated, maybe talk about the reasons behind it, about what you can do to improve this. And he will be there to listen and support you.
MulberryTree
March 6th, 2022 1:12am
If you aren't happy in a relationship, sometimes it's the best for both people to be honest about it. Being in a one-sided relationship doesn't benefit either partner in the long run and bottling it up and not telling him can slowly fester into resentment because you feel like you're trapped in a relationship you're not happy in. Be honest with him and tell him how you're feeling, because that lets him know right off the bat and makes you feel better for being open about how you're feeling. Especially if you feel like you don't want the relationship to continue long-term, it's best to get it out in the open sooner rather than later
wildnwitchy
March 31st, 2022 2:13am
Clear communication is the best way to give someone the opportunity to meet your needs, and also for you to understand what expectations others might have from you to meet theirs. Pick a time and place that feels neutral, where you can both focus on each other. You could try framing it like, "Lately I have been feeling unhappy in our relationship, and I'd like to discuss it with you. Is now a good time?". Make sure that your partner is in a place to receive information before you dump it on them so that there is opportunity to discuss it together. Then, just be honest! What are you feeling? Why do you think you might be feeling this way? You could try, "When you do/say/dont do _________, I feel ______________.". If its not because of something they have done/said/haven't done, then simply share the feelings that are coming up for you. You could even try to include the solutions you have in mind, or offer space for your partner to give solutions that come to their mind. Honesty is the best policy. Clear, calm, direct communication is the best way to express your needs and give others the opportunity to meet them. Good luck :)
Anonymous
March 23rd, 2022 10:55pm
Just tell him straight away. Be direct. If you feel like the relationship is not going forward, you do not feel satisfied in many areas of your life, nothing is changing than sure as hell it's time to let go of someone. The "+-+" technique seems like a good starting point in situation like this. You can always start by saying the good things about the relationship you're in and about your partner, but then you say stuff that makes you unhappy and uncomfortable and such and then finish it with something good and hopeful so that your partner can see that you are willing to work on a relationship if some things change.
advance4Spirit
April 23rd, 2022 9:15pm
Sharing feelings of unhappiness in a relationship is very challenging. When I feel unhappy I first check myself and journal to determine if the cause is due to dissatisfaction with myself in terms of expectations or performance in any area of my life, if this is this case then sharing these feelings become easier. The real challenge arise if after self examination I recognize it is some aspect of my partner that is the reason for my feelings. I then try my best to determine what that aspect is and to recognize my partner should not be defined by an act, activities or a specific trait. In this awareness I would share by first reminding my partner of the things I appreciate about them and then point out what I maybe feeling unhappy and start a conversation to arrive at possible solutions or steps I or we can take to address these feelings.
teacup130
February 18th, 2022 7:07pm
First, choose the right time to talk to him aka when he is mentally in a good place to accept what you are saying, then talk to him about your feelings and the reasons that made you unhappy. It can be hard but it's better than keep acting like you're happy. The longer you pretend the more you both will get hurt. If he is a good person he will respect your feelings. Of course, you can discuss if you want to give your relationship another chance or you want to break up. The only important thing is to tell him the truth.