How do you cope with the fact that you were the main reason behind the breakup?
Last Updated: 08/04/2020 at 12:05am
Kelley Goodwin, Psychotherapy/Art Therapist, LPC, ATR
Licensed Professional Counselor
Attachment and psychodynamic focused, I provide the client a connected, affirming, and protective experience to creatively integrate trauma and explore their true self.
Top Rated Answers
Don't blame yourself excessively, we've all made mistakes in relationships. Instead, try to examine the relationship objectively, forgive yourself for what you've done, & take what you've learned from this experience to grow as a person. This way you'll be able to move on & apply the knowledge you've gained to be a more successful partner in your future relationships.
personally, i had a similar experience where she blamed me for the break up. i felt as if the walls came crashing down onto me, but as i sat in the rubble of those hurtful words i realise that it is not me to be blamed, in fact there was nothing to be blame in the first place. the relationship takes two to work and if it doesn't work it is not anyone's fault because as long as you knew you tried your best what's more to ask for really?
You accept your flaws and mistakes. I was filled with guilt with my breakup before as well, but I was immature and wasn't ready for the relationship. The way I got over it is with time and acceptance. After I understood that I'm just another human who makes mistakes, it's much easier for this fact to swallow.
Try to forgive yourself, accept that you're human and you're not perfect, and that's ok. Focus on the things you did right, and on the fact that you're taking responsibility for your actions. I know this is easier said than done, so treat yourself like you'd treat other people. What if a friend had done exactly what you did? Would you try to be understanding? Tell yourself the same things you'd tell someone you love. Look at yourself in the mirror on a daily basis and repeat "I forgive you". Breaking up can be so painful, but try to see it as an opportunity to do some soul searching and learn if there's anything that you don't like about yourself and want to change. Changing what contributed to the end of the relationship (if you think it's something YOU want) can be extremely powerful and help you feel better.
I have never thought that when a couple breaks up that it is only one person's actions that caused the break up
As for me, I try to remember why it was not as rewarding to donate the same time meant for my partner to the other things I wanted. I concentrate on what I needed and why I thought those needs were found elsewhere. For example, "Why did I prefer to practice golf over attending a date night with her?" And my current answer is: "I wanted to do something I knew I was good at, rather than something I'm being negatively evaluated on." Another example is "Why did I sabotage our already weak relationship?" and the current answer I have is "Because I'm more comfortable living up to poor expectations than throwing everything I have on something that may be too little too late." This understanding doesn't make me feel superior, normal, or even comfortable, but it helps me relate to my 'stupid' decisions. It also helps me identify and fill those same needs before another relationship comes into my life, claiming to fill them. You can still try to make amends, but don't push it and don't expect anything.
Personally, I dealt with a lot of guilt after a breakup, so I get that it can be hard. I broke it off after realizing that I just wasn't in the right mental space to maintain a relationship. After the breakup unfolded, I proceeded to try and better myself as a person, because I knew that I had to work on my mental state since it was a cause of the breakup. Bettering my mental health and other aspects of my life provided an escape from the guilt I would feel on a day to day bases. I would write down my emotions in a journal so I could get them out and prevent them from building up. I came to terms with the fact that yes, I had caused the breakup, but what matters is that I continue to work on what I knew was wrong and change for the better. Doing activities like running, painting, or journaling are some things that can help provide a safe space where you won't feel as guilty. It all depends on what you think is the best route to go on.
You acknowledge the mistakes that were made and learn from them. It's a part of moving on. No one is perfect ; mistakes are natural. :)
You cope by accepting that you made a mistake. It may make it more difficult to know that it caused the breakup, but you gave yourself a lesson to learn from in the future.
Accepting the truth and reality of the situation is the first step. Having this knowledge gives you insight to help improve yourself which will help you to work on this flaw to avoid this happening in future relationships. You must not view your part in contrubuting to the breakup in a subjective way. View it objectively which will enable you to get help or look at how you can improve yourself to avoid this reoccurring in the next relationship or relationships in general. I personally believe it's good to have this knowledge as it equips you to be a better person if you take it on board. Adesa
This can be a question that one can struggle with long after a break up occurs. Something that one might want to do is really examine themselves, and examine the relationship that they were in. Make a list of all the good and the bad. Look at situations that went wrong and ask "what made them go wrong in the first place"? Sometimes you may not always find the answer, and other times you may not want to see the answer that lies in front of you. Sometimes you got to realize that you may need to change some things in order to have better relationships in the future. Also, there are times that maybe it was nobody's fault, and you just have to accept that things just end because people grow apart. If its something that one has a very difficult time accepting or coping with, then counseling might be needed to get you through the situations that you are feeling.
The main reason of a breakup usually has many other little reasons behind it. There is never only your fault. Try to identify what led to this main issue and if you could have really done anything differently. But keep in mind that all we are doing differently has a reaction/an effect. No matter how much we try to do better, the other person(s) needs to also try to have a different reaction than before.
At first I would probably feel devastated, cry for a couple of days and stuff, but later I believe I should live my life and not give up. If I wasn't right for one person, I could be perfect for another one.
Forgive yourself and accept the breakup. What is done is done, just learn form the mistakes and make your next relationship count.
What is done is done. Don't do it again. We are humans, we make mistakes, we learn from it and evolve with time.
I had a good reason to break up with said person, and if I led them away from our relationship unwillingly, I just know it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes we grow attached and we can't help it, and we lose people. If we lose someone it wasn't meant to be.
I think over in my head what happened and try to reason with the other party and talk to them the reasons behind we broke up.
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