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How do you deal with the temptation to contact your ex?

286 Answers
Last Updated: 01/14/2022 at 11:23pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
India
Moderated by

Jui Shankar, Ph.D

Psychologist

My worldview offers a systems perspective that values diverse clients and their struggles. I believe supportive and nonjudgmental therapeutic relationships empower clients.

Top Rated Answers
hearingyouout1912
May 16th, 2021 7:18pm
I have had very serious breakups and thus have never had the urge to contact my ex. But whenever i felt so i reminded myself why we were not together anymore. I am cool with a some exes but not with everyone. Some are so old that there is no bad blood between us anymore. But some have been traumatic enough for me to never have tried to contact me. Also calling your bestfriend when you feel like contacting your ex is also a good way to get yourself to clearly see what is wrong and riGHT AND REFRAIN YOURSELF.
Anonymous
May 23rd, 2021 7:03pm
Think about the reason why would you want to reach out? Will it be positive? There might be so manny reason to want to do it, while experimenting withdrawing for a separation, be kind to yourself if you somehow know it might not be positive to reach out try and go out with friends, focus on your self in a loving, caring way do the things you love to do and makes you feel good, learn something new, practice some sport/ exercise, volunteer, read a book you always were curious about this will help you feel a sense of control, and help you feel you are in your way to gain balance in your life again.
Anonymous
May 28th, 2021 5:13pm
I try to reach out to uplifting friends or family. I don't even have to tell them what's going on, but just making a real connection can remind me that I have good people in my life and that I decided not to have certain people in my life for a reason. Also being gentle with yourself is important. It's not easy to get over emotions and even if it's been a long time those can still come back and that's okay. It's hard not giving in, but when you feel confident in yourself and your choices, it's just a little less hard.
brilliantAngel1538
May 30th, 2021 12:46pm
Thank you for reaching out! I understand from personal experience that having this urge to message an ex can be very difficult to resist. The temptation to contact your ex is like rewatching the same movie and expecting a different end. You ask yourself, Is it going to end the same way? It’s really easy to say move forward from your life and do not go back to that pathway. Emotions after a break-up can be really raw. Your ex may have been the one that had broken up with you which is why it’s difficult to forget what you feel for them and move on from the feeling or perhaps there was some regret on breaking up if you both broke up on your terms. You may want to ask yourself how you both handled the break up. Were they your first relationship and so that’s why it’s a challenge? Did things end in bad terms, things were said that were mean and you want your ex to forgive you or you want your ex to apologise? What about your ex is tempting you to contact them? Looking into your ex’s social media is very unlikely to do you any favors emotionally as it will just remind you of how much you miss them or how awful of an impression they have given you. They may be dating newer people and this can leave you having trouble with accepting this as you did not choose to break up with them. So unfollowing them on social media can help with your healing process and also having a chat with friends too that have been in relationships that did not go well. You need to feel you are not alone in your emotions! There are support organisations you can look into such as Relate which provides support on relationship stress and breakups for more information. You are also welcome to communicate with one of our amazing listeners and therapists on our site for a listening ear.
Imhereanytime
June 4th, 2021 3:59pm
I really understand the pain of going through that. If I had really loved My ex his happiness should always be my happiness too and if they are feeling happy without me in their life I think they should be set free and moreover I feel I need to respect my self respect. consider my mental health and peace as my first priority. I should also learn from this lesson of life and correct my mistake and strive to be a better person. Remembering that these are all a part of life it might be really seems hard right now but definitely it is making me a stronger and better person
Actuallynobody017
June 19th, 2021 2:46am
You have the urge to contact your ex which I can understand. It can be difficult. After a break up or separation, you have feelings for them and that is completely natural. It may be a good idea to ask yourself, what are the reasons you want to contact them. It can also be a good idea to talk with someone about this who understands you. If you think you are unable to move on, you can read some books on break up or see a therapist. Please know that what you are going through happens in most post-relationships. If you have some questions to ask them to clear some matter or issues, you may contact them as well. You can even imagine having a imaginary discussion with your ex alone with yourself. I hope it helps. 😊
greysonn
July 1st, 2021 8:16pm
I remember how far I have came. I reflect on the pain that has shaped who I am today but I do not allow temptation to define me or define my progress. I remember to stay in the moment and keep myself busy. It is hard to overcome temptations in general and temptation in terms of contacting an ex.. well.. remember they are an ex for a reason. I think something that really helps me get through those low moments or times I feel temptation or impulsive is journal writing. Journal writing allows me to be free and myself.
Ukiyothepeace
July 23rd, 2021 4:47pm
To deal with the temptations you have to get logical about them. Firstly, these temptations strongly comes from the fact that the ex were part of your life just yesterday and now your mind and emotions and even routine has a void space that needs to be filled in. These temptations urge you to feel the emotions or feelings that were part of good days. You might want to check up on them because it had become a habit to do so. These emotions and time are void mostly because the way we feel about each individual is different and thus people are always told to ACCEPT and heal. Those emotions and moments cannot be relived with someone else with the same frequency but to deal with these temptations you have to bring back why are you here in the first place. Because if they did care and were good for you, you wouldnt be here thinking all this.
Hiraith
August 14th, 2021 3:30pm
When I experience the temptation of wanting to talk to my ex, I remind myself that we broke up and no longer chatted for a reason. Things didn't work out in the relationship and that's okay, often there will be heartbreak before you meet the one. Think about why you have the urge to talk to your ex. Are you feeling lonely? Are you lacking affection or attention? Do you miss being in a relationship? Reasons like these to your urges can be cured by one thing: self-care. Being single, or alone, is not a curse, it is a blessing. Use the time you have to nourish yourself and learn how to enjoy your own company. You cannot rely on a partner to take care of you or to make you feel happy, only you can fulfill yourself.
Anonymous
September 4th, 2021 8:32pm
usually when you have a temptation to contact your ex, just distract yourself from contacting them by doing what hobbies you like or going out with friends or watching shows. this will help you from contacting your ex and keeps your mind occupied with other things. if this doesn't help out, delete their phone number or any social media so that you don't have any other way to contact them at all. this would help you deal with contacting your ex and stuff. another thing you can do is to talk to a friend about what is going through your mind and why you want to contact them.
Anonymous
October 27th, 2021 3:11pm
Try to get involved in other activities. Try to discover new things which amaze you and distract you from the things that cause mischief in your head. It's hard to control the the temptation at first but gradually you will definitely beocme habitual of not texting him/her. Try to discover yourself what you're without him/her. Try to be your own self. Let go of your past. Try to meet new people and keep yourself busy. Go out and see how beautiful nature is. Nature is best healer. It will heal you. It will heal everything. Just believe me. Take care!
sweetJet5993
October 28th, 2021 1:33am
I think about how much they wronged me. When I think about that I just get angery an do not even want to talk to them. I tell myself contacting them would only make me feel worse and take me back steps in the moving on process. The relationship ended for a reason and there is no reason to to go back. I do not want to open up that wond again after I have worked hard to get in agood place after the break up. Think about the positives and negatives in contacting them. For me there are more negatives.
Anonymous
October 31st, 2021 1:37am
Wanting to reach out to your ex is a normal feeling, and is good that you acknowledge that. You are not alone, and most people that went through breakups have felt this way too. If going back together is not something you are planning, then try to focus on the reasons why you two broke up. What things made the relationship hard to work out, and try to stay honest about it. Usually we tend to diminish the bad things when we want someone back, but staying honest to yourself and honestly recalling the negative aspects that lead to the breakup will help you stay away. This won't only help you to not call your ex, but to figure out what things you would do differently in a future relationship, and what things you can't compromise in a relationship.
VGGRNSWCULA
November 4th, 2021 3:45am
It is important to know one's worth and remember why the relationship ended to begin with. Having self-love can also help with moving forward and being hopeful for better things. Remembering one's worth can also keep one from going back to unhealthy situations. It can be difficult after a breakup and might even feel lonely, but it is important to remain strong during the times one feels lonely and to remember that there are still things to look forward to. Falling in love with one's self can make life romantic again, and give one hope to share their love with someone else, once the time is right.
OpenListener32
November 13th, 2021 9:07am
It can be tempting to contact your ex or look online to find out what they are up to. It’s important to remember that there’s a reason the relationship ended and to reflect on what you’ve learned as a result. In order to move forward, it’s often not healthy or productive to contact your ex, as you’ll be repeating patterns of the past. Everyone we meet and each experience that we have is a learning opportunity and a growth exercise. In many cases it may be counterproductive to your progress to contact your ex, so where possible – reach out to a friend instead.
Missfabulous
November 24th, 2021 10:58pm
My best suggestion is to always find something to occupy your mind. I think different activities, ie going for a walk without your phone, hanging out with friends and even taking a nap helps. Music helps me personally. I think that there is a time in your life that things will change and you will no longer feel the urge to do so. Only time can tell when that will be. As well as, an occupied mind always makes time go by faster. I know it can be rather pain-stacking when it comes to time, but eventually the time will pass and you will no longer even think of your ex.