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How do you deal with the temptation to contact your ex?

279 Answers
Last Updated: 09/04/2021 at 8:32pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
Moderated by

Jui Shankar, Ph.D


My worldview offers a systems perspective that values diverse clients and their struggles. I believe supportive and nonjudgmental therapeutic relationships empower clients.

Top Rated Answers
March 29th, 2017 5:20am
Think of why not to contact them. If you keep telling yourself "I shouldn't contact my ex because of A but I miss them because of B." Try distracting yourself or spend time with some friends. Maybe binge watch a show you like!
April 1st, 2017 5:52pm
Focus on other things that make you happy in life. I always distract myself with things that keep my mind busy, while making sure that I am happy in the process.
April 5th, 2017 1:17pm
I would distract myself from contacting my ex and get over that momentary temptation of feeling to contact my ex
April 7th, 2017 6:17pm
You should think about why the person is your ex and not your actual partner. It is easy to hang on to just the good memories and forget what actually caused the breakup. Remember that it is never good to let an old flame burn twice, and therefore you have to stick to no-contact to avoid hurting yourself again
April 9th, 2017 10:25am
it's extremely difficult to resist the urge of contacting someone you were once exceptionally fond of. although i believe a good strategy to set in place would be creating and implementing as many diversion tactics as possible. hobbies, recreational activities, realistically anything that can be utilised as a form of enjoyment (provided it's constructive) are great tools to implement when you struggle at times when you miss someone who is absent and is currently no longer in your life. feelings don't just mysteriously vanish overnight. a breakup is an ongoing process. however exercising that restraint and finding other ways throughout those tough times can not only be positive but also quite helpful too!
April 14th, 2017 6:32am
I block my ex on all social media websites in order to have no way to easily contact them. This also helps to get over them quickly as you are not constantly reminded of them.
April 15th, 2017 12:32pm
First try to talk to someone else. Keep your mind distracted. Go read a book or do something new. Write a letter to them. Say everything you need and want to say. Then put it away or destroy it. Go make friends. Go hangout at a music venue or something and start talking to new people. Go have fun. Walk around or drive while listening to music. Write a story. Write your story. It will be a test. A test of strength. It is ok. Youre gonna do it. If you slip it is ok. Just try to keep your mind occupied by anything but them as hard as that is it can be done.
April 15th, 2017 4:17pm
It is tough you just need to tell yourself you have more self respect then that and arrange to call a friend instead
April 16th, 2017 5:31pm
Think about how you could be more productive and enjoy a hobby, think about what you''ve been through because of the person, It's a closed door, You can be who you and go on
April 27th, 2017 3:56pm
Remember why you broke up in the first place. A ex is a ex for a reason. If you contact him / her your only holding on to them longer there isn't any benefits from your end of things. So remember how things didn't work out and remind yourself you deserve the world and not just a star if u get my saying.
May 3rd, 2017 5:22am
Stop and take a moment to think about it. What will you get out of reaching out to them? Drawing from previous experience, really consider how you'll feel afterwords. It's hard disconnecting from an ex because they were such a big part of our lives for a while, and it's hard to change our routines. But at some point we have to think about why they're an ex now, and consider whether it's in our best interest to continue to expose ourselves to that person. I do believe that sometimes ex's can be friends, but give yourself some time to heal before you try that if that's the path you ultimately want to take. You never know, down the line you might realize that's not what you want at all.
June 1st, 2017 8:09am
Deleting their contact details rarely works as you'll always find a way to find them. Do this if you want, but make a hard rule that you'll never contact them when you feel vulnerable (e.g. when you've had a drink or in the night when you are alone with your thoughts.) - write the message without filling out the 'too' and then save it. Odds are that you'll think better of it by next lunchtime. Also - replace the gap that the end of the relationship has left, and not necessarily with another relationship. I started volunteering at something that I was good at, and this was a massive confidence boost for me, reducing my emotional dependency on the idea of my ex.
June 1st, 2017 1:38pm
When you feel tempted to contact your ex you must remind yourself that doing that will not help the situation, it will just make it worse. It's normal to have regrets after a relationship ends, but in many instances ending a relationship is the only healthy option.
June 4th, 2017 8:57pm
It can be hard to walk away, and stay away. Before reaching out, ask yourself what you would want the communication to accomplish. Do you want to get back together? Want an apology? Want to blow off steam, let them know how you feel? And then look back over your relationship and the breakup, and ask yourself how likely that is to happen - can you expect to get the results you want? Or will you just be prolonging your own grief or confusion? When you contact someone who's caused you pain, whether or not that was deliberate, it can help to know what you want to happen, and what you hope will happen.
June 21st, 2017 1:55pm
Try to distract yourself or move away from the temptation e.g. Blocking or removing from contacts until you don't feel that temptation anymore.
July 20th, 2017 1:37am
I try to take a step back and think objectively. Does the ex deserve to be contacted? If not sure, I ask friends and family, OR imagine that a friend is in my situation. Now, I wouldn't want her to make a mistake, would I? So the same goes for me. It is also helpful if I cut off all contact with an ex, so I literally stop myself from being exposed to him.
August 18th, 2017 3:23pm
Just reminding myself the reason they became ex. The pain that I felt, I see if that person is alright not talking to me.
August 27th, 2017 5:31am
Its best to block off any ties that could give you access to contact your ex. I blocked my ex on Facebook and deleted the number and the messages so I couldn't talk to him. It took alot of willpower but it helped me so much and eventually I came to a stage where I forgot that I forgot that I blocked him. If you feel that you need further support, maybe rely on a friend to help you avoid temptation?
September 1st, 2017 7:12am
That's a tricky one. They're your ex for a reason. If you broke up with them, you had a reason to do it. If they broke up with you, you probably got hurt... think back to why you broke up in the first place... that's always a good place to start
September 1st, 2017 10:32am
Spend some time with good friends and try to meet new people... Sooner or later you will find a new love.
September 1st, 2017 6:01pm
Just remember why we broke up in the first place. We always tend to rewind the happy times and convince ourself that we are nothing without them. Try to remember the times when things didnt work out as well. This will stop you from messaging your ex.
October 1st, 2017 7:19pm
I try to list all the reasons why I had to leave him. In my case the relationship was abusive, though he loved me a lot he didn't like a lot of things in me and i wanted to be with someone who'd accept me for who I am. I think you shouldn't change for anyone. And it got more abusive and well it ended. If there are certain things that are tempting you to think of him/her maybe you can collect it all and put them away. Track your emotions, if you're tempted to reach out to your ex only when you feel lonely or scared, maybe try to work out a way where you wouldn't have to think of him/her during your times of need, you can reach out to your trusted friends, maybe in this instance. For me the first one works everytime. Oh or maybe listen to 'clean' by Taylor Swift it's got a very good bridge part. Okay sorry 😅 anyways i hope it works out!
November 8th, 2017 7:19am
Well i personally found it easy to resist the temptation is think why we broke up. If he hurt you, Its best to never run back to what hurt you in the first place.
November 9th, 2017 4:37pm
Remember what they did to you and why you are no longer together or try and talk to a good friend instead
November 17th, 2017 12:54am
Remember why you ended things with them. Contacting them would only make it harder for both of you to move on.
November 17th, 2017 2:41am
The temptation is very hard, but as a step in your life you must move on. Wether you broke up with them, or they broke up with you, you must always move on. What I do is, go to the gym, play video-games, or listen to music to help deal with the temptation.
November 23rd, 2017 10:14pm
Ah the dreaded ex withdrawals! This plagues a large amount of people of all orientations and genders. My advice is the tough self love approach; cut all ties. Eliminate all areas of digital contact eg. Phone, social media. Every bit of it. In fact, block their number too. If you can’t get ahold of them then the temptation is thwarted unless you’re going to send a raven. Minimise in person contact. If you move in the same circles it’s best to give them a wide berth so you can sort through any underlying feelings with dignity and privacy. It takes time to get over someone but with self discipline and time it can be done.
November 29th, 2017 3:11am
Remember why I am not with them in present time. It really depends on why you are no longer together. If it was your fault forgive yourself & if it was their fault move on & don't open yourself up again to be hurt.
November 30th, 2017 6:05am
I distract myself, i do something different and avoid things that remind me of them. I not to think of them
December 1st, 2017 5:04pm
Remind yourself that this will likely lead to more emotional pain and that's not a good thing to inflict upon yourself