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How do you deal with the temptation to contact your ex?

296 Answers
Last Updated: 06/13/2023 at 9:32am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Brenda King, PsyD

Psychologist

I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.

Top Rated Answers
Sventek
April 23rd, 2020 6:31am
You tell yourself that the ex is an ex for a very good reason. If it didn't work out the first time, the odds are not in your favor to likely work out a second. It's best to spend that energy with new relationships or working on yourself. Learning lessons from why an ex is an ex is a good exercise. Therefore, before making the effort to contact them, sit down and make a list of the reasons why things did not work out between the both of you. If the list is lengthy or includes phrases such as abusive, wasn't right for me, couldn't communicate, poor libido, unable to express emotions, or a number of other deal breakers - by the end of the list you'll likely have enough reasons why contact is best left undone.
Anonymous
April 22nd, 2020 7:00am
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Greatlistener87
April 26th, 2016 2:02am
Delete all contact that you have with that person. If the contact is in your head, fill your mind with other things more innovative.
lifegivesulemons
April 17th, 2020 2:55am
Corona time=being risky and sending messages to your ex. I completely get that and I would have done the same thing as well ngl. BUT. Your ex is not deserving of ANY time you try to give them. ABSOLUTELY NO SECOND of your effort should be going to the ex because he/she aint worth it bruh. But here are some things that could help 1) whenever you have the tempation, text some other friend. 2) do something like run or exercise or eat whenever this happens just the important thing is, keep your mind off your ex! he or she aint worth your time!
Nique2020
April 8th, 2020 2:05pm
I am 25 years of age and married I really do not have any contact with any of my exes in anyway but, a two years ago it did happen. I tried my hardest to ignore him, even block him but, it seem likes it would not stop him. I had to do something to stop this. I then just told my husband what was going on so we could work something out. We ended up changing my number which was amazing. Blocking his number didn’t help because he would use other numbers but, changing my number worked perfectly.
Anonymous
March 29th, 2020 4:44pm
Realize why you left and or they are an ex in the first place. If it was an especially toxic or obvious reason and it outweighs just getting that sorta “high” from talking to them again, then there you go. Think about more of the negatives with them that made the breakup happen rather than the good times that would’ve kept it alive to begin with. Not to the point where you become depressed. Just to where you can think more clearly. Also understand that if you know there’s a temptation and that the correct response is to not give in that’s already a sign. There’s plenty of people out there to start with instead of trying to “restart” with someone else ❤️
Yourfriendlyspanishdog
March 12th, 2020 4:56pm
Personally, contacting different friends or spending time with your family or in other activities you love can help you deal with the temptation. that way you can bond with the people you still have in your life and that care for you and also to improve your skills in different courses you like and want to improve in! It directs you toward self-growth rather than stepping back into the past and trying to revive something that if ended, should stay this way, It helps both you and your ex to move on and to build a different future and to grow the way you both deserve to grow. the memory and the moments you both share will remain but would not decide the path you choose to go in for yourself!
Stayhappy30
February 20th, 2020 9:03am
Well, for that you will need to re analyse why you broke up at the first place. If it was from your side, then you will need to remember all the things which led you to the break up. Sometimes, due to many issues such as loneliness or weak time in current relationship, we tend to compare or think about it. If the break up was from your ex, then you need to see what is his/her reason to take the decision. If the situation has changed, then you can try again however if that's not the case then its useless to try again. In a nutshell, best way to avoid any temptation is to analyse the break up and rethink why happened.
0118
February 13th, 2020 8:20pm
social media and ease of contact gets that little nibbling feeling in your head, sometimes a break from that stops the temptation. question why you want to contact them, is it to fill a void? if so find distractions and things for you to fill that void. if its because you miss them, remind yourself why the relationship ended in the first place, something wasn't right, time away allows you to focus on yourself. yo-yo-ing back into your ex's life is only going to hurt you in the long run, I stings, but know that you're doing the right thing by resisting the temptation
Anonymous
February 8th, 2020 10:39pm
To deal with the temptation of contacting my ex I try to remind myself why we broke up. If that doesn't work I'll try to find something else to focus on because I know if I contact them it would just drag things out. And personally if I contacted them I'd still be the one to end up hurt so I remind myself that it's not worth it. Sometimes I'll message a friend who knows the situation and they'll give me a pep talk to cheer me up. The main thing the that I believe is most important is reminding and telling yourself that the relationship is already over.
Devin000
December 21st, 2018 4:30am
I remind myself of all the things she has done to me and use that anger and frustration as fuel for a HIIT Gym Workout. The reason why I miss my ex is because she reminded me of what it felt like to be loved and supported. I gave her love and support and she failed to reciprocate, that can be either manifested as anger used as fuel or sadness used to deepen the hole in my heart. Only I choose. Only sadness will make me weep and obsess for the affection of the woman who deceived me because she could, whereas anger would only remind me of the damage she has caused and how much better I am than her.
Anonymous
February 7th, 2020 8:56pm
Sometimes the temptation is really hard to handle, since you remember all the good times you had together and you wish to have all those moments and those feelings to be back even just for a short time. Personally when these feelings arise I try to be as rational as possible and I try to remember the reasons why we broke up. I also try to remember the feelings I had when things weren't going well and I tell myself the truth: it is better to resist that temptation. Moreover, I think of what would happen in case I contact her: the most probable scenario is a denial, with delusion as a result. But even if she replies positively it is highly probable that in a shot period I would feel the same frustration that lead us to the break up. Don't do that guys, you only have to lose from contacting back the same person you broke up with.
romajstorovic
February 2nd, 2020 2:30pm
Try writing down your thoughts and feelings on paper. When I was going through a particularly bad breakup, I would find myself trying to talk to him a lot. I would open up texts or chat messages, and I would type out things but never send them. Later, I worked out that writing things down on paper was safer, since I wouldn't end up sending things I would regret. I started writing things out on paper. It was a lot more therapeutic for me, since I've always liked seeing how much I've written out on paper. When I first started, I was regularly writing three sides of A4, but as time went on, the letters got shorter and shorter. If I was out, and didn't have paper, I'd open notes and write on my phone.
LilacPaintListener
September 12th, 2019 3:40pm
If I am ever tempted to contact my ex, I first ask myself if that’s really the best thing I can do for myself. My mental health should always come first, even if they seem down or are pressuring me. I might play my music or do some exercise and ask myself again a little while later, and this helps me feel like me and think with a clearer head. This way, I can remind myself more easily of the consequences of messaging them. Thinking logically is the best way to avoid any shame, embarrassment or upset that I might feel if I decide that it’s a bad idea to message them after all.
Anonymous
April 3rd, 2019 4:45pm
I would take a bath, work out, dance around the house to music, read a book, practice meditation, go for a walk and listen to music. Anything to take your mind off of the ex, but also anything that gets you up and moving or something that you love so you dont fall into a slump thinking about said person. When your in a better head space reflect on why you want to contact your ex, but also think about why this person is your ex, was there hurt, was there pain in the relationship. Think would we be healthy back together.
EtherealSunlight
April 21st, 2019 12:39am
There are many ways you can deal with the temptation of contacting an ex. Attempt to distract yourself. This can be achieved by starting a new hobby, especially those that use your hands. Some examples of this include; craft, baking, cooking, sports and art. You should also confide people close to you such as friends or family, even if they never met the person. You can do this in person, or simply call them instead of your ex. List reasons why calling your ex is a bad idea to help with this as well. The next option is to meditate. Clear your mind and get rid of these unwanted thoughts. Block everything out and envision yourself in your happy place, whether that be a physical place, an imaginary world, or with specific objects/people.
DulcetLove
January 18th, 2019 7:23pm
I put myself in the mindset that as much as I am a new and changed person, so are they and I'd never want to take steps back or make them take steps back from their growth as well. Evidently, we want to keep the contact because it was something important to us, but the connection we felt is not the person it was the relationship. You don't need the reassurance from that person. Whenever I feel tempted to contact my ex I think about all of the new parts of me they don't deserve to know. I think of all of the things I could do for myself instead.
Anonymous
May 22nd, 2019 2:07am
whenever I feel like contacting my ex, I will always ask myself to wait for my ex to make this initiative. And the longer I wait, the more I know that it's over. I then feel better and grateful that I did not make the first move. It is tough, but I've did well for almost 2 years now. I still thought about my ex and memories we had together, but it became not as bitter as before, my mind is clearer and knew that being separated is good for both of us, I believe we both moved on and is going to be better in the future despite not contacting each other.
Joseph394
May 23rd, 2019 3:17pm
Your exes are your exes for a reason. You tried with them before, things did not go well, and now they are either no longer in your life or in a much different role. Remind yourself why you broke up in the first place. That thing about them or the relationship that caused you to break up? It's still there and unresolved. You can look at the aspects of that relationship that DID work and that you liked and use it to help you find your next SO. The desire to get back to them is generally this desire to go back to a time when things "made sense". So when you get that urge to contact them again and pick up where you left off, ask yourself: do you miss the PERSON or the MEMORIES. The answer is it is probably the latter.
Anonymous
June 1st, 2019 1:27am
Missing your ex is a normal stage of a breakup. And it’s perfectly fine to miss them, you have every right to feel what you’re feeling. Emotions aren’t a bad thing. For some people, befriending their ex is a good thing and can actually end up being beneficial. But for others, it’s better they remain distanced. The main reason I would say it’s better to distance yourself, is because (if they broke up with you), you don’t want to risk the pain again. So, in order to handle the temptation, I would block all of their contact information so that it’s not optional.
Anonymous
January 13th, 2019 2:46pm
To deal with the temptation to contact my ex I Remember all that they did in the past to me that made me feel hurt, embarrassed, sad or humiliated and then remind myself that I am always deserving of respect, dignity and kindness and if people don’t give me that I need to cut them out of my life and find people who are worth being around. I do not owe people who do not respect me for who I am anything, and putting myself first sometimes is not selfish. I remember that I need to find the person right for me, and if that takes time that’s alright.
Anonymous
June 7th, 2019 6:31am
Realize it truly is not worth it. Unless you are on good terms, it is fine to check up on them. Otherwise think about exactly why you want to do it and what contacting your ex is going to achieve. What are you going to gain from it? Why was it that you broke up in the first place? I haven't a had a break up, but I have definitely wanted to get back in touch with people I have cut off. I always thought it over and realized there is no point in doing that with people that I'm not sure care for me. It's best to spend that energy speaking to people that care about you and vice versa.
Peter1447
June 13th, 2019 3:48am
This can be a very difficult situation to deal with but the way i dealt with it was first and most important keep yourself busy, do things you enjoy doing , thoughts will keep coming in your head but i know its hard but you have to acknowledge the thought and let it pass. Other ways social media makes us curious about our X's as well so i would make sure all social media contact possibles are gone if you cant control yourself even going to the length of needing to block then that might also need to be done .
Lexa2002
June 20th, 2019 7:30pm
If you ever feel like talking to your ex, or replying to him/ her if they text you, remember all the bad things that have happened between you two, the reasons behind you not being together. Remind yourself of the reasons why not texting him/ her is best for both of you, remind yourself how better you'd feel once you're over them and successful without them. Believe in yourself and be strong. Maybe you miss them now but if you go back and text them and the bad reasons that drive you apart are back, you'll regret texting them and blame yourself, you're better off without that.
CherryBlossom360
July 7th, 2019 1:20am
You need to distract yourself with something else whenever the temptation to contact your ex comes up. Something that will turn your focus off of your ex and onto something else. Tell yourself that you are not going to fall victim to this temptation and don't allow yourself to give into it. My advice to you is that you do your best to stay strong and that you put steps in place that will allow you to persevere. It will be hard, but overtime it will become easier, and easier, and easier. And eventually the temptation to contact your ex will cease to exist and will no longer be an issue.
SpiceSpoce
August 25th, 2019 1:29am
I tell myself they’re not worth it. They’ve hurt me, my family, and my friends. They don’t deserve my time, and their lies will always remain as lies. I feel so much better being by myself, I don’t have someone else controlling my life, or manipulating me into being someone who I never wanted to be. I miss them a lot, and that’s normal, but I remember how I felt being in that relationship, and remember why I left. If you feel unsafe with your partner, the relationship is obviously toxic and not good for you. I learned that the hard way. I wish I never stayed.
202022am
December 6th, 2019 4:25am
I write down all the obstacles I have overcome to move past that relationship, and how that has made me a stronger, more resilient person! I think about how I have learned about how to care for myself and ask for the things I need from a relationship. No temptation is worth backtracking to an unhealthy relationship. Sometimes it feels like we miss that person, but I think most times we miss what we "think" that person was like... sometimes we get so caught up in an idea of what we think it was that we forgot how it truly was. That's the part where you have to stand up for yourself, and trust in your own decision to leave that relationship. You know you best.
Anonymous
January 5th, 2019 7:46pm
One way I have found is that when the urge to contact an ex creeps up, I think of it as an exchange of power. By reaching out and contacting them, I have paced the ball in their court to respond or not respond. That is in itself an exchange of power. I have given them the power to potentially effect me, whether it be by rejecting me, or speaking angrily to me, or attempting to talk their way back into a relationship that I might not want with them. By contacting them I have opened up all these possibilities and given them power.
miraculousJoy65
January 1st, 2020 12:28am
When you want to send that text or make that call to talk to them think about how they treated you or why you both called it quits. They had their chance with you and they blew it up to pieces. So, Is it worth all of the pain that you went through? YOU are worth everything and you do not deserve to be treated poorly. So when you want to contact that ex that you still miss put down the phone and think about what you are about to do. If they lost you then what tells you that the same things won't happen again. You deserve the best and they should realize that.
Anonymous
November 28th, 2019 12:33am
I deal with the temptation to contact my ex if I had one. By keeping busy. I talk to my friends and get out of my head. I also get in other activities rather that focus on my ex. My ex was a relationship in the past a while ago and it should remain that way. Now it is time for me to move on tow bigger and other things. such as getting a job or going back to School. That is how I would deal with my temptation with contacting my ex partner. If he calls I would not talk to him at all.