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How do you deal with the temptation to contact your ex?

296 Answers
Last Updated: 06/13/2023 at 9:32am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Brenda King, PsyD

Psychologist

I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.

Top Rated Answers
RhinoCal
June 25th, 2020 11:30am
When dealing with the temptation to contact and ex, first ask your self why you are reaching out, if the answer is not positive then try these alternative options to avoid that message. -Message a family member you feel comfortable talking to -Message a close friend who will listen -Write your concerns in a journal or diary -Research some ways to deal with a break up -Load up 7 cups and chat to a member instead! At some point we’ve all wanted to text an ex for this or that reason. We just have to remember that we are in control and that you can get through anything if you put your mind to it.
Anonymous
July 2nd, 2020 8:47am
I think something that helps is thinking why are you trying you reach out to them and what are you expecting from that conversation and then thinking about what is probably going to happen. When I first wanted to contact my ex after we broke up, I actually did. I just wanted to have one of our good old conversations but instead it just felt cold and like they were just trying to keep their distance. After that I understood that I was expecting too much from a relationship that had already ended. Also, I figured that if I missed them and contact them I would probably "never" move forward, that's what I thought. It's all part of the process of getting over someone and healing.
Anonymous
July 5th, 2020 3:53pm
Remind yourself that they don't serve you anymore. They are your ex for a reason, as much as it hurts. Contacting your ex may be medicating in the moment, but once the high is gone, you'll need more and crash. Ask yourself what you get out of contacting your ex. Is it productive? Will you feel worse if you text them? Contacting your ex will delay your progress as you reminisce and think about "what could have been", when there is no "what could have been". This person is your ex for your reason. Let it be and let yourself heal. It's absolutely freeing and wonderful once you do.
Anonymous
August 2nd, 2020 5:06pm
I usually end up contacting some close friends who have a general overview of the situation and genuinely care and do their best to understand me. I talk about how I feel and why I feel like contacting my ex. Talking about it with someone ALWAYS helps. Sometimes your own emotions can be clouding your judgement even though you feel you know better and don't think this is the case. But sometimes we just don't realise ourselves. This is why talking to someone helps clear things in your mind and their opinion from a third perspective can help provide some clarity to your thought.
Anonymous
August 13th, 2020 4:59am
I was so tempted and I knew it's not good for me, so my friend and I had a deal to support each other. She was in a similar situation. Our deal was that I would reach out to her before I reach out to my ex and vice versa. It really helped. There were a few late night text messages, I felt embarrassed that I had to share it with her, but I also felt very supported There were no judgement, we both knew how hard it is, and we just wanted to support each other. It's been 8 years ago now and I am still grateful I had her support. And I never reached out to my ex after her and I had our pact.
zealousFreedom532
August 23rd, 2020 9:01am
ask myself if i am feeling lonely or needing love and if so - to do some self care, talk to a loving friend to get healthy connection and then see if i do still want to contact my ex. the desire to contact my ex may be coming from a place of loneliness, feeling unwanted, undesired and wanting some form of connection even if unhealthy. so by doing some self care first and seeking healthy connection with a trusted friend then i can see whether or not it is a healthy choice to contact my ex. if i contact them from a place of self love, then it is unlikely to take a codependent turn
Anonymous
September 2nd, 2020 8:32am
I distract myself.I give myself hope.I think if I will love myself I will not be tempted to go to the place which hurts me.I think of my self respect and I do something which makes me really happy.I avoid too interaction with him.It helps a lot.I talk to a friend of mine.It helps me diverting my mind for a specific time.I love watching tv and reading books so I indulge myself in these things.I assure myself that I will get better from life.I motivate myself to stay optimistic. A past which hurts should be repeated.I simply love myself.I help others too
Anonymous
September 17th, 2020 10:00am
After a bad breakup, you might miss your ex and feel tempted to contact him or her, or you may be resentful and feel the urge to vent your frustrations. Whatever motivates your urge to call your ex, having contact while you're still getting over the breakup is never a good idea. By giving each other time and space, you can assess whether there's any chance for friendship in the future. In the meantime, it's best to cut all ties and avoid one another while you heal.Understand that your brain is in withdrawal from the release of dopamine your ex gave you. Recently broken up singles show activity in the same part of the brain as a drug user. Dopamine is the feel-good chemical the leaves you wanting more of whatever stimulus gave you the dopamine in the first place. Cravings encourage you to get more of what your brain wants, and in this situation, your brain wants your ex. Understanding this can help you break the cycle.
FrostWire
September 25th, 2020 2:12pm
Hi, I'm FrostWire your supporting listener; I've read your question and it's a great one. How to deal with temptation while going through things for the benefit of a relationship rite? Well; relationships are worth the wait if you understand the reason for separation anxiety. Being anxious to contact a close one is something that lots of people deal with on a day to day basis, even me. But let's focus on centering ourselves around dealing with the situational topic within question. Sometimes we need things like extra curricular activities to keep us busy so we don't seem bothersome, clingy, or above all "being in the way". No, we don't want that do we? So, what are things you are good at (if any) that can keep you busy until it's time link up with your Ex-social partner? I mean; if that's truly what you want to do. But also we must look back on the reason in which you are not with that certain person rite now; an if it's worth going through a situation like such. Even more so, what if the ex partner has a new significant other? I wouldn't think it's a great idea to be a crusher of hearts an logic. Take it from "FrostWire"; You don't want to engage on someone from the past an months later find out that their actually with another person. it can be very pain full for the pride filled an even worse for the free at heart. Your decision is solely yours. Remember; I'm FrostWire Your supporting listener here at 7cup.com an thank you for choosing us for your everyday questions..
a4f1N
October 7th, 2020 10:48pm
Reassess why your relationship didn’t work out, and what you felt when making the decision to break up. Think about ways to fix that issue, or if that issue cannot be fixed. Then revaluate if you want to text them or not, either choice being okay. Making this kind of decision can be difficult, however, you are the only person who can truly understand what is best for you. You can also think about what you would do if a friend came to you with this same problem. How would you suggest they approach this problem? By doing this you can see other perspectives and decide what you should do.
FawkesCare12
October 8th, 2020 4:42pm
It's understandable to want to contact an ex. I suppose we need to ask ourselves why. I mean if you ended things badly and want closure, then maybe once both of you have cleared your head, you guys can talk. But if you know that the ex is definitely bad for you, then you need to ask yourself why you want to contact them. For most of us it is familiarity. They may be bad for us and we know it but being with them is familiar for us rather than this new reality. So it's easier much easier for us to go back to that comfort zone even though they may have hurt us and betrayed us. In those times, we need to focus on ourselves. Do what makes us happy and truly enjoy it. And if being alone at the moment seems impossible, choose to spend the time with friends. Write or type a small note stating the reason you guys broke up and when you feel the temptation, read that note and remind yourself how much courage and strength it took for you to be in the place you are now.
DearDaphne
October 14th, 2020 1:50pm
I would like to keep myself busy and when you do find yourself lonely or alone, you have to remind yourself why is this peron a ex? Things are the way they are for a reason. So thinking about why usually helps. Also the person who is responsible for making you feel sad can't also be the one that makes you happy. That's just a temporarily solution. Every break up is tough in the beginning. It may seem like your heart is ripped out and you can NOT live without that person but believe me when I say: it WILL get better. Give yourself some time and it's okay to let your feelings out. Just don't follow the same road everytime when you know where it ends.
Anonymous
October 16th, 2020 8:01am
It is important for people to take time to heal from a relationship. I understand that not everyone will completely heal but it is important for you to try to distract yourself and not go back to where you were. You will get past the moment and be able to go up from there. Entertain yourself and do things that make you feel better. It is also important to surround yourself with people who make you feel important and safe. This way you won't feel tempted to reach out to an ex. Do not reply to any messages you might receive from them as well. That person just wants to know if you miss them or letting you know they are still around but do not get back to them.
Anonymous
October 24th, 2020 1:47pm
Being in love once with someone means you have been connected with someone for long time without them it might feel like end of the world. Though have you ever wonder what was the reason you breakup think about it there must have been so many reason like which made you think about all the things that you had and you could not continue being in that stress so you had to end all what was once started from nothing now you are once again at the start point and you are lonely .So brain be like it is much better to be with my ex rather to be alone and now you have this temptation which you can not get over with
Anonymous
October 30th, 2020 12:00pm
Restraining yourself from contacting your ex can be really though. I think we could maybe spend more time with family and friends it really helps to get your mind off it. You could also start doing a hobby or doing something that you always wanted to do but couldn't. Keeping your phone away is one major thing to be done. I would recommend physical activity because it really calms us down and helps us think. I have been in such a similar situation so from experience i can say it's best not to contact your ex. Letting go off the past is be very helpful.
Anonymous
November 8th, 2020 4:59am
Try to remind yourself why they are an ex and distract yourself. Distract yourself with something you love or start doing something productive. Remind yourself of why the relationship ended and how calling them would impact you in the long-run. Will you get more hurt than you already are? If not, then why not contact them? If they're a bad impact for you and you'll end up more hurt, then don't you think you have to put up with the antiseptic's burn before infection and further damage take place? Think of both your younger and future self: how would they feel? Think of what you know you should do,
Monica7340
November 19th, 2020 1:26am
i feel like you should try and remember why you broke up ,and try and think about why you want to contact them is it because you miss them or you miss being in a relationship and ask yourself if its worth going through the cycle of heartbreak over again because that is inevitable in those kinds of situations. Don't trick yourself with the notion of becoming his/her friend using the logic that he was a good friend but a bad lover because if he/she hurt you by cheating, lying, physically hurting you or otherwise and he/ahe did all this to someone they were supposed to be in love with then you can't count on him/her being a good friend. His/her advice wont be reliable, and their opinion will be biased based on the fact that you were in a physical and romantic relationship. So all can say is take a day or a week and really think about it and if you still want to do then go ahead, just make sure its something you actually want to do and that you're doing it for the right reasons.
JJill1
November 28th, 2020 1:11am
I think taking a deep breath and thinking about what the implications of texting your ex partner would be, should be your first two steps. Take a moment and ask yourself, will this benefit me in the future? If not, ask yourself why you'd want to do something that may harm your future. I would also talk to someone close to me or reach out to a listener, so I could contact someone besides my ex. It can be tempting if someone is lonely or in a bad mood to contact their ex, but if they take a moment to do something else, talk to a friend or thinking about how this may harm you, can help your reframe your mind. Finally, just be kind to yourself. Practice some self-care if needed and do something that you really enjoy that doesn't involve your ex. Whatever makes you feel happy, can help you overcome any temptation! :)
Rainbowsandmiracles888
December 18th, 2020 12:06am
That can definitely be a challenge, can’t it. One thing that has helped me is to delete their number out of my phone. That way I can text him or anything. I also block them from contacting me. If he or she is on social media it may be a good idea to delete them and block them there too. That way you won’t be tempted to peak at their profile and see what they’re doing. Another big thing is to find something that fills your soul and makes you happy. Do you have some hobbies that you love? Are there some friends you lost contact with that you may want to reconnect with? Is there a place you can volunteer at that you support? Volunteering is also a great way to meet likeminded people. It’s good to occupy your time with the things that make you happy. It takes time to heal from a break up but those are things that have helped me. By shifting the focus from your ex on to yourself, it makes the temptation to reach out easier. You may also have a friend that is willing for you to text them rather than texting your ex. That’s been helpful too! Good luck getting over him or her! You can do this and emerge stronger on the other side!
BrianEverWisp
January 8th, 2021 3:30am
I try to focus on other, more important things in my life. I keep the perspective that we are exes for a reason, and with that, I am less tempted to contact them. By focusing on things important to me now, it helps me not get distractd by the past. Some examples of things that are important to me now are my hobbies and career goals. These might be different from my ex's anyway, which helps remind me further that we likely weren't compatible for a reason/reasons. I hope this answer was helpful to anyone who is feeling this way currently!
Anonymous
January 12th, 2021 3:50am
Remove his contact from your phone, unfollow them on social media platforms, if possible block them. This way they will likely do the same to you and therefore even if you go and try to check on them you can't. Remember the reason why you broke up in the first place, that person was not a good fit for you, you tried to work things out but they just had to end. Go for a run, or exercise this will release good endorphins that will make you feel good and keep you distracted. Stop talking about them to others, take up a new hobby and talk about that instead.
verka
January 13th, 2021 3:08pm
It very much depends on your personal circumstances. Maybe start by asking yourself where this temptation comes from and what you are hoping to achieve by contacting him or her? Imagine what the likely outcomes are, how you will feel afterwards, and what response (if any) you are most likely to get. You may choose to first discuss the temptation with someone who is more familiar with your particular situation, or reach out to a listener on here to get some support, so that you feel more comfortable with whatever decision you make. If the relationship is definitely over or if it was an abusive one, it is likely that you will feel worse afterwards, so it is worth looking at all possible scenarios and looking for support from people who genuinly care about you.
Anonymous
February 12th, 2021 1:02pm
Ask yourself if this would be the right situation for you and if you think you would benefit from this as it could be a good or bad thing, it just depends on the circumstances that you yourself are in. Everybody is different so will have different opinions. If you do decide to contact them then maybe tell them how you feel and see how they feel too because they might feel the same way and be too scared to let you know that but once you tell them how you feel it might change that for them as well.
Anonymous
February 19th, 2021 10:52pm
Been here the first thing you need to do is get rid of all their information contact numbers, emails, social media platforms, pictures etc. Just make sure all that is gone and out of your sight. Try to do some meditation while you get that impulse or remember that you might not get anything out of trying to contact you. Try to take a walk and distract you from those thoughts that you have. Do something that makes you feel good. Exercise, get out and take a walk, and eat chocolate. Just do something that makes you feel good, so you can get your mind off of contacting them.
Anonymous
March 17th, 2021 6:23pm
One way of dealing with the temptation to contact your ex is to remove the option from yourself. You can delete their number or block their accounts from being accessible to you. Once the option is removed and there's nothing you can do about the desire to reach out to them, it's likely you'll find acceptance that the matter is out of your hands and your mind will find other ways to occupy itself. Another option for dealing with the temptation to contact your ex is to distract yourself with other pursuits. Engage in hobbies, throw yourself into your work, pick up a new interest, volunteer, find productive or engaging uses of your time so that you spend less time thinking about them or reaching out to them. These are all valid ways of coping.
Anonymous
March 31st, 2021 1:52am
Well, it was pretty hard especially since we had just broken up however I thought about how awful I felt in the relationship and how they treated me like crap... I realized this more and more and the more I realized it and understood it the more I knew I did not need to text them and could easily move on with my life. Plus I was able to find someone who treats me better than my ex ever did and who loves me for me rather for the things my ex loved me for only... I hope this can help someone
Anonymous
March 31st, 2021 6:22am
Try to move on, Pick up some hobbies like drawing, knitting, playing an instrument etc Maybe start talking to somebody else, Do things you always wanted to do, Read book, watch movies! Have a night out with your friends! Go out to eat, make a journal or a diary! Learn new things... Just forget about him/her! Do things that you want to do!! Unleash your inner self! Do self care.. Try new things that you haven't done before... Make a bucket list and complete it! Just do anything that could distract your mind from your ex! Hope this helps you...
calmingUnicorn6545
April 22nd, 2021 3:34am
The relationship didn’t end for no reason. When you’re feeling sad and reminiscent, remember the things that made you split up. Try not to let your mind trick you. If you’re going to reminisce, remind yourself of the entire relationship, not just the parts that made you feel warm and fuzzy. That’s what friends are for! Your friends love you and want you to be happy, so call them and talk to them about how you’re feeling. Let your BFFs remind you how better off you are without your ex! I’m by no means implying that hopping into the dating scene is the cure for your breakup. Sometimes, when we feel lonely, we tend to revert to the people who once made us feel special: our exes. Rather than reaching out to your old flame, try talking to someone new!
Indigo2592
April 30th, 2021 10:18pm
Recognizing why your ex is your ex for a reason is a start. There is a reason the door has closed on that relationship and why they were not fit for you so leaving that door shut allows for another to open. Find activities you enjoyed prior to starting the relationship that maybe you have not enjoyed doing since the relationship started or ended and fall back in love with those activities rather than relying on the comfort of speaking to your ex. You cannot finish the chapter and move on to the next chapter of your story if you keep trying to reread the same one. Enjoy new things and have faith that things are going to work out the way they are meant to.
starryRose5308
May 9th, 2021 2:17pm
Temptation.. could be hard to deal with. I’ve been through this and sometimes I still have moments when I want to call my ex, but I remind myself why we were broken up in the first place. And if you’re in a current relationship, imagine how that would make your partner feel if you contacted your ex.. and also put the show on the other foot. You wouldn’t want the person you’re dealing with to contact their ex. Sometimes contacting your ex could rekindle a relationship that you don’t want to happen. It’s just best to lay off sometime.