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How to get closure from my ex? I feel I need it.

176 Answers
Last Updated: 12/23/2021 at 3:59am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Brenda King, PsyD


I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.

Top Rated Answers
September 8th, 2019 2:37am
What I did was write a letter that I would never send. I wrote a letter to my ex stating everything I felt I wanted to say to him but couldn't. I forgave him for the awful treatment he gave me, and I learned to forgive and forget. I also deleted all photos and videos I had with him and I blocked his number and all accounts on social media - this way when I did have the urge to contact him there was no way I could. I put all of his clothes that he left at my house in a bag and I donated all of them. I got closure, not from my ex, but from myself.
October 25th, 2019 12:35am
Try asking yourself what are you trying to get from them. Will you be disappointed with what their answers are to your questions? I think it's really important to think about what we're trying to get from conversations and find positive people in our support systems that can help with that. From personal experience, I felt I needed closure from a 3 year long relationship. I did speak with the person, but they were not saying what I expected to here. It did not make me feel better at all. However, it is understood that every relationship is unique.
October 25th, 2019 11:31am
I understand your sentiment and I respect it. When a relationship ends, it causes us to feel and experience different kinds of emotions, a mix of both positive and negative ones. If the relationship ended on a confusing note, seeking closure might give us a sense of completeness. We seek closure because we derive meaning out of it. We have some questions and thoughts in our mind that we wish to address and we feel that they would be best answered that way, hence putting our mind at ease and allowing us to finally move forward. If you seek closure and the relationship did not end brutally or on a particularly negative note, it is alright to ask your ex for just a meet up or even a call, where you discuss what exactly happened and why they happened the way they did. It is called a "closure conversation". Before that though, it is important to think through what are your goals for this meeting, how you'd want to achieve them and also, embracing the possibility that the conversation might not exactly go according to plan. With this in mind, you can approach your ex and then, proceed. However, if the relationship was abusive or toxic, it might not be very helpful to have this conversation. It will only amplify the pain and confusion and I say this from personal experience. In this case, it is important for you to seek closure within your own self. If it is needed and you require support to recover from the ill effects of this relationship, please access all your support systems and go for therapy. It helps in processing of traumatic information and will help you rebuild yourself.
November 22nd, 2019 7:34am
The reason you do not have closure with your ex, is because the fear you have which propelled you into the relationship in the first place has not been worked with yet. The fear still rules and thus you feel incomplete without your ex. We all were born whole and complete, only the conditioning from those who modeled for us in our youth have lasting effects if we do not work with them. Getting closure from your ex is working on yourself from within to discover why you are still searching for someone else to complete you. There is work left to be done. The uncomfortable feeling you have is pointing to inner work for you to do. What fear are you avoiding and wanting the presence of the ex to fix in you?
January 26th, 2020 10:19pm
If your ex isn't willing to give you the closure you need it is important to recognize that and leave it as is. It is important to also let those feelings sit there with you and let them get processed by other outlets, maybe sports or arts. Sometimes trying to force closure out of someone wont work because they already decided they don't want to give that to you. If you push for it, you may end up getting hurt in the process, its like trying to take a toy from a kid who's that toy isn't theirs to begin with, they aren't going to share. Because your an adult it can backfire. Its an unbalanced playing field. Taking the higher road and preserving your dignity from what someone did may be the best way here, and later on you may thank yourself for it.
January 28th, 2020 2:46am
Closure starts with you. I feel the most successful road to closure is by first working on yourself. Do some deep introspective work and listen to your feelings. Let yourself process them by journaling and write a redemption narrative to show yourself how strong you are. Learn to love yourself first. Once you feel that you are ready, reach out to your ex. It's okay to have a conversation and ask for closure. You can ask why things ended the way they did and be comfortable with whatever feelings come up. Once you get those all out, end it amicably.
February 14th, 2020 3:48am
You get closure from within, never from another person. When u realize and accept that you are worthy of respect and loyality (nothing less than that) and you are complete in yourself, then you don't feel a need for any explanation, a final talk, or a closure. The hardest part of this process is that, it takes a long time to heal completely, to learn how to take time to intellectually check a person and then decide if the other person is worthy of your time and emotions as a partner. Seeking a closure from other person, seldom makes you feel healed or peaceful.
February 28th, 2020 9:40am
Focus on yourself and the people around you. Once your mind is not on your ex or whatever they did, you'll be much happier and present in your life. Looking ahead helps us not linger on the past and what "might've been". Accepting that the past is the past can definitely help you achieve closure. If there is something that needs to be cleared up, talking it out with them is a good first step to take. After that, you can try to find a good way to deal with whatever brings up bad feelings about the relationship with your ex.
March 21st, 2020 1:19am
You can contact them and suggest a meeting in a neutral place to have a calm discussion. State your feelings clearly and give your ex the opportunity to tell you how they feel. Agree on a maximum amount of time to talk beforehand and avoid arguing. Remember, this is closure, not revenge, and it is important to stay positive and relaxed through the entire conversation. End on a positive note and thank them for talking to you. It may be difficult to have an emotional discussion like this after a break-up, but you will feel better and emotionally grow from the experience.
April 9th, 2020 2:53pm
I find closure from within myself. My ex does not crontrol how I feel or my actions. Being kind to myself and doing self-care helps me be re-centered. I reflect on activities I used to do that I didn't do while in a relationship. I consider if those things are valuable to me. If they are, I strive to do at least one of them. I set a realistic time frame for myself to do one of those activities. For my closure and healing, I think of the good memories, acknowledge that there were good experiences with my ex, but also am realistic about what wasn't good. I think of what would make a future relationship better. For example, considering things in my control (myself), and how I can make changes to have a great relationship with myself and others.
April 22nd, 2020 12:03am
1. give yourself time to mourn these feelings need to be felt and let out. holding them in will only result in breakdowns which will only make things worse. 2. i need to gain control on how you're going to make myself happy this process will help me find myself and feel in control about what i enjoy doing and what i don’t enjoy doing. 2. talk to friends they help you make those smart decisions. 3. no dating i obviously don’t want to, i need time to heal, figure myself out, i need time to reflect and process what happened. i don’t want the feeling of a warm body or sexual pleasure. i want love, real love, long term. and ill learn more of what i want when i first learn what makes me happy other than another person. 4. figure out what makes me happy this is all about me now. this is my time to do what i want. its a relationship between me, myself and i so let me get comfortable. 5. relax, treat yourself. meditate, color, read, run. just take a break and relax. smell candles. just chill , you deserve it. 6. set boundaries people need to learn to respect my boundaries in any relationship and if they don’t then they don’t respect me and i don’t have time or energy to deal with disrespect anymore. 7. be clear about what you want for your future over time, you will learn while loving yourself what is good for you and what you want.
April 27th, 2020 10:58pm
Everyone needs a different closure depending on how deep we are connected to the people around us, events or things. When I was questioning my decisions regarding job or love I approached both with honesty, openness and curiosity. It is important that we are in touch with our emotions, our body signs of what instinctively feels right to us and try not to rationalize too much, but rather just be present. Maybe we should not ask for closure from our ex partners, but rather to think about as continuing process of building the relationships. If one finds that their ex partner is a human being that they want in their life maybe one does not want to call for closure, but rather for wisdom and possibility to transform and accept. Some people stay in our lives and some don't. If the ex is someone who should not be in our lives they will simply not be. If one really needs a visible "closure" maybe it is a good thing to meet with the ex and just reflect and say "good bye". Sometimes that can be useful. Sometimes if we don't have that opportunity it is a useful practice to write a poem or two, read the book regarding break ups and somehow create emotional distance from the source of love anxiety yet in some way still find healing and content. And sometimes just have a cup of tea and in time the healing will take place. Just love yourself and be sure that the "ex" is "ex" for a reason.
May 9th, 2020 11:57pm
One good way to help process things is to write down the things that were good in the relationship, and the things that were bad. Often times, the things that were bad tend to outnumber the things that were good. And even when it doesn't, it still tends to put some clarity into the situation. Remember the good, hold on to it and learn from it, and remember the bad to remind of you of why things didn't work out. Hold on to that list, as time goes on, details tend to blur. It's easy to remember only somethings, and having a list to remind you that it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows can really help when you're feeling bad. Or, it can help to refer to the good times when you're feeling low.
May 20th, 2020 7:36pm
Having a closure is really important after a relationship ends. Sometimes relationship end in a sudden way and we feel like there's so much more that needs to be said or addressed. Not knowing the closure of somethings gets me in agony and stress the whole time. I always keep thinking about the " What ifs" and where do we stand now and where's common ground and things like that. The most beneficial way for a closure is just by talking. Talk to your ex. Finalize your feelings and thoughts. Honesty is the best thing ever when it comes to communication.
May 21st, 2020 8:03pm
Sometimes, when you do not get the closure you want, you have to demand it. You owe that to yourself. Call them, text them and tell them what you want, and make it clear that you want it. I know it is hard to be so harsh on someone you cared for so much, but you have been harsh on yourself too for not giving yourself what you needed. And in this case, you needed a closure. You have to know your worth and you have to know what you need for yourself. Despite what people around you may tell you, to not contact your ex again, if you think you will feel better with the answers, then go for it. You come first. Nobody else. Remember that.
June 5th, 2020 8:15pm
The best way to get closure is just sit down and have a serious conversation about where it went wrong, the reasons it happened, and if there’s ever a chance for anything to happen again. Ideally having a lengthy conversation and hitting every point helps. This also depends from person to person but just not planning the conversation but instead saying everything in her mind and taking turns speaking without interruption helps. There’s no need to rush the conversation as it can be very emotional. Never hold back on certain things. Just saying everything on your mind prevents future regret
June 17th, 2020 8:49pm
Sometimes, you have to make your own closure. Whether it is hanging with friends, binge-eating ice cream, or talking to someone about your feelings, no, it is not easy, and you may not be able to get the closure you really want. Define your own closure and make it something that will make you happy. Coming from experience, obsessing over getting closure can become unhealthy, and that's no way to live. Wondering about the what-ifs or what could have been can make things worse. So, be around those who love you and cherish who you are and look forward to what the future holds!
June 18th, 2020 6:02pm
I'm a huge fan of writing letters you never send, or even those that you do. Depending on the terms that you ended things on, even getting those feelings out onto paper as opposed to keeping them inside can provide release. I know I have had experiences where both methods have worked for me. Also knowing that sometimes you may not get closure, as I have been on that end of the stick too, is important. It's a 2 party process, so you both have to agree it is in the cards, but you could maybe do a mock break up with a trusted friend?
July 1st, 2020 1:58am
Closure is something that varies from person to person. How do you think you would feel if you could express your feelings of the breakup to your ex? It's never easy to let someone go, so it's completely fine to ask or want closure. As humans, we want to be able to let go and move on from experiences that end with pain. To forget seems like the best way to move forward and carry on. It depends on how you feel you could best handle it. After all, only you know yourself the best.
August 9th, 2020 11:26pm
It is really hard, especially if you are feeling like it is not possible to reach out to them and talk. Although the hurt goes away eventually, closure really is much harder. I recommend distracting yourself as much as you can. Personally, I use humor to cope but that doesn't work for everyone. Also, finding a new hobby could be very good in diverting your energy into something good and not only getting closure from the person but also a time in your life. I like making healthy changes in my appearance, like hair color, but that is counterproductive for some people.
August 20th, 2020 10:28am
If there is communication, i must convey my feelings, or at least write them down, to get them out of my head and on a paper, put into words, sentences paragraphs. To view them with my eyes instead of just having them run crazy in my head. To accept a relation is over, to accept that it is time to walk away, to accept that my life is worth more than being stuck on a person who couldnt be my partner for whatever reasons. Life is beautiful when u r comfortable to be by urself and not have ur peace and happiness relient on another person.
September 12th, 2020 5:45pm
You need to understand your Ex properly , if its closure you need then some things would be. Put into consideration knowing your ex properly will help you know how to handle and treat them being on their good side is the fastest way to get it Although you should know having a strong desire for something i s not similar to needing something .its normal to long for them after theyve left but you need to really thing about the probably outcome to getting back together with them So in summary to get closure is to get close to them
September 14th, 2020 5:25pm
This is very gray-area topic. It really depends on the following: -How much you cared/loved this person -How complex the relationship developed to -And how the relationship ended. If you feel the need to get closure there is nothing wrong with writing your ex about this and expressing you most sincere feelings about the circumstances. it is not easy, but if you manage to do so, you will most likely feel better. something to keep in mind is that if your ex and you ended up in bad terms, you might want to make sure you don't bring the circumstances in this conversation. rather, focus on moving forward and letting all the negative things go. good luck!
October 1st, 2020 11:23am
It is normal to feel the need for closure in situations like this. But before jumping into that, I personally like to look into myself and understand what do I expect and want from the closure and am I ready for it. As to the big "how". Always talk to the other party and determine whether both of you are on the same page of being okay with talking to each other, as understandably, just like a relationship, breakups and closure involves both party as well. And later if and when an agreement is reached, remember to always hold on to the peace in your heart and be genuine with what you talk about. Remember anger and revenge are very natural response to hurt, and they are valid feelings too.
October 11th, 2020 9:08pm
Depending on how the relationship ended, sometimes talking to them is the only way to get that closure. If you are talking about getting closure for what went wrong, take some time apart, then come back later with a clear head and simply have a discussion. Time apart always helps heal relationships, especially if they ended badly. I started dating my best friend last March, we broke up in April, and the whole summer we didn't talk. When school started again last year, I spoke to her and apologized for what I did wrong, she apologized for what she did wrong, and we became best friends again. It is important to know it doesn't always end up that way, though. It is also important to know that in a break up it is almost never one person's fault, both people have their flaws that contribute to the end of a relationship in most cases. It is rare that there is only one person at fault, although, it does happen. I hope this helps!
October 15th, 2020 3:53am
Talk to them in person, discuss, and say things you want to get off your chest. Talk about the things you want to clarify and/or disclose. Ending things on a good note can be from understanding both of your viewpoints and letting go. If your ex was toxic or in any way manipulative/abusive, maybe in person confrontation won't be the best option. Only you know yourself to the best and it is up to you to do decide what to do next. Sometimes, getting the closure will be to get it from yourself without the help of your ex. An example of this can be rethinking your relationships with the good and the bad, to then focus on yourself and who you are as a person. From personal experience, feeling content with yourself first helps with closure and self growth.
October 18th, 2020 12:33pm
I try to remind myself about why the relationship ended and why it wasn't right for me, and then I focus on what I want now, what I want from my next relationship and what will make me happy. I also think blocking your ex on social media is pretty essential, at least until you have moved on. Try to spend time with your friends and nurture the relationships you perhaps have neglected in the past. Invest time in yourself and your hobbies. Try to view your ex as a person with which you have fond memories but they are just memories now. Hope some/all of that helps you/is relevant :)
October 23rd, 2020 4:35am
What do you feel that you still need closure from? Maybe make a note in your phone of how you ask for closure and get the answers your searching for and see if that is something you’d want to send to your ex. Do you want closure or do you want to reconnect? It’s important to ask yourself exactly why you want closure so you know what you’re looking for from the situation. If you send the text he may not answer and that is okay too. Some people sadly do not provide closure and unfortunately we cannot control what other people do.
November 6th, 2020 5:22pm
Everyone processes things at a different rate and from my personal experience, my ex never needed closure but I felt that I did. The easiest way to do it is to just send a text of some kind asking for met somewhere (try somewhere public like a coffee shop). Hopefully, they agree (they also are allowed to say no if they feel they aren't ready), and just let them know what you have questions are. You are more than welcome to make it clear that you don't want to get back together but just need some closure for yourself in order to be able to move on. It's very important to only ask questions you are okay with hearing any answer to, not just the answer you want to hear. In the end, it may take a few times to get the closure you need but just know that they are your ex and if you guys have agreed not to get back together, then you have to be okay with leaving it at that.
November 11th, 2020 7:06pm
The wording of this question is particularly interesting because it implies that closure comes from some place outside of yourself. It is easy (and therefore perhaps preferable) to think that closure is owed from one person to another person. However thinking in this way puts the onus (and eventual goal) of "closure" outside of yourself, which can leave you feeling disempowered and not in control of your feelings. (If someone else is responsible for your closure, then you may or may not obtain it.) It is important to realize that once a relationship is disbanded, the social contract of partnership is also ended, and unless that person legally shares something with you (bank accounts, houses, children), they are not required to give you anything. Thus, anything you feel you need from them may or may not be given, at their own discretion. This is a hard truth to learn, but it can also empower us to give ourselves what we need to feel closure, to feel cared for, and to ultimately feel better. If you feel you need closure, a great first step is to reflect, think, or journal about why you feel closure is needed. Once you have your answer, brainstorm on how you can proactively meet that need. [For example: Do you need closure because you feel lost? What makes you feel lost? What would help you feel more directed? What concrete steps can you take to get back on course? Do you need to engage more with work, get back in touch with your hobbies, or do more for you? OR: Do you need closure because you feel the end of the relationship was traumatic? What made it traumatic? How can you address and heal that trauma? Do you need to engage in introspection, seek counseling, or find a new solution (one that you can bring about on your own)?] When we reclaim responsibility for our feelings and our needs, we become empowered because we are not relying on other people for our healing. This way, we know we can find closure and heal, because closure and healing are things we are willing to afford ourselves, without relying on the willingness of another party to engage with us.