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How to get closure from my ex? I feel I need it.

176 Answers
Last Updated: 12/23/2021 at 3:59am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Brenda King, PsyD

Psychologist

I treat life changes, women’s issues, and issues of aging using evidence-based treatments with healthy doses of warmth, empathy and humor to enhance healing and growth.

Top Rated Answers
Steppenoak22
November 25th, 2020 6:58pm
I guess you there are to important things there, first you have to be certain about the breakup and secondly you need time, believe it or not time heals or wounds. Certainty is very important, once you are you sure that the breakup is definitive you can really start hurting, and then you'll hurt for a while, probably think about her/him quite a lot. But with time you'll see you start to think about other people, or at least you are no thinking about her/him anymore, then you be ready to start something new. So don't worry if now you feel like the hole you have won't ever go away, cause it will, i promise, but it does hurt like a bitch hahahah, Good Luck mate.
Erikaklxx
November 29th, 2020 12:25pm
It’s hard to feel like you need closure from someone you once loved. I’ve been down that road before. If you need closure, you should confront that person. That’s how It helped my situation. It’s hard to move on from someone when you don’t have any clue why they would do the things they did to you. You could be upfront and ask, “why?” “Why did you do this to me?” “Did you have any good reason?”. To keep from intimidating them, let them know that you won’t be upset and that you just need clarity in order to move on from this situation. I hope this helped.
Anonymous
December 6th, 2020 8:04pm
I tell myself everything is going to be ok, and that maybe it was not meant to be. I remind myself that it is ok and if we really loved each other that much then we would get back together with time. it has helped me greatly and I tried some different techniques to help calm myself down and I chat with all these cool people who I am glad to call my friends. ( I even formed a little crush on someone, no I won't say who nehehehe) But I kept pushing myself foreword and made my number one goal be fixing myself and my problems. and maybe one day they would return.
NeonTree1234
December 10th, 2020 2:12am
Sometimes closure has to come from within. We might not get closure from the other person, so we have to accept that. We can gain closure by accepting that the relationship is over and we can move forward. Telling ourselves that we were fine before we met him, we will be fine now that he isn't a part of our life anymore. Closure doesn't mean that we come together to make amends. Sometimes it's that we weren't right for each other and now it's time to go forward and find new meaningful relationships.
Yasshhaaaaa
December 16th, 2020 4:06pm
Missing someone you love or used to love is a natural part of letting go when a relationship ends. Missing an ex months after you ended things with them is one of the most difficult experiences that we can have as a person. To get closure is a journey that takes many steps and it starts with communication and giving yourself the room to breathe. Talking to your ex if it isn't too hurtful could be a good way to receive closure and end your personal relationship on peaceful and agreeable terms. On giving yourself the room to breathe, taking care of yourself. Another method could be to write all the words you never got to say down on paper and give yourself closure if communication is unavailable.
Anonymous
December 30th, 2020 9:16am
Closure is important. It is the one thing that ensures you have no regrets, which would allow you to move on with the rest of your life. The pain of a heartbreak and having to move on from the person you once loved is challenging and often times the hardest to do. It starts from within you. You've got to accept the reality of the situation, accept the fact that they are your ex for a reason, that things ended for a reason. Give yourself time to realise the situation as it can take a while. Closure does not happen overnight; instead it is a process that happens gradually, depending on your pace. Take responsibility on your part and understand that not everything works out the way you hoped for. And that's okay. Life lessons are taught as we live and learn. Look for areas that are actively bringing you down and try to look for alternative ways to cope with the pain, because you're an independent and strong person who deserves the love, regardless of who gives it you. Exercise an independent mindset and know that the life lessons are learned best when you experience them so you can move on, wiser and stronger.
Anonymous
December 30th, 2020 4:01pm
Everyone's closure can be different. Some people believe they can only get true closure but by talking to their ex, some people write cards and then never send them. Make sure to focus on what you believe you need and put yourself first. Try different methods and see what works best for you. Healing is a process and no one act will magically fix it but as you try different things you will begin to know yourself and what you need. I would suggest starting off by releasing all of your emotions into a letter to get it off your chest. Whether you send it or not is up to you. However, remember to focus on what you need, not how it will make anyone else feel.
Anonymous
January 7th, 2021 11:34pm
When I was in a similar situation, I knew my preferred choice of closure would be written communication (i.e a text), rather than verbal (i.e a phone call). In order to move on, I also felt like I needed it. It is natural and completely alright to feel that way, or to not feel that way. So do whatever you think is necessary to make yourself happy or content. Your emotional and well being matter a lot. I am sorry you are going through a difficult time, if you ever need support always feel free to connect to a listener.
ashii1234
February 25th, 2021 2:16am
Not getting proper closure can definitely be tough and not ideal but in this situation, the best thing you can do is to remind yourself that the closure is the fact that you guys aren't together anymore. If you were meant to be together, you would. The fact that you're not is your closure, and your true person is out there waiting for you. Keep your chin up. They aren't meant for you at this point of time at least. As hard as it is, things will get much better and you will find your person when it's the right time :)
UnboundSailboat3
March 7th, 2021 1:26am
Everyone is different, but I think the most important closure is with and created by yourself. Independence is important, and you don't need closure from someone else. Unfortunately, relationships end. But this is a perfect time to work on yourself and improve in your life. Every day, the sun goes down and it comes to an end. But remember that it will rise tomorrow. No one needs to tell you this for you to accept it. This is like an ended relationship. You are strong, independent, and handle another day ending every single evening. Accepting things have ended is the key to closure. Because when you accept it, you have your own closure and nothing will change the fact that things have happened the way they did. But life moves on, and remember there was a time you were without this person. I want you to be able to close your eyes, take a breath, and open them with the new thought that tomorrow the sun will rise, it's a new day, and you're ready to take it on. You got this! :)
Anonymous
March 12th, 2021 5:18am
Hello, I'm sorry that you are being troubled with this situation. I can understand the need for closure from someone that you had feelings for. I know that the feeling can be overwhelming at times but everyone's situation is different. Do you feel that you and your Ex have left on good enough terms to allow for talking about topics like this or do you feel that things may become worse if you try to talk to your ex about this? Sometimes it's good to reflect on ourselves to avoid negative input from people that may want to say negative things just to hurt us.
Mindwells
April 24th, 2021 7:25am
Letting go someone can be difficult and knowing the cause for separating becomes important. If you feel the need for closure, the best way is to communicate. You both should share and express your thoughts and feelings and come up with a decision. But you should keep in mind, and directly state that you do not want to be together. However, not having a closure from your ex is okay. It is more important to get closure from within. For example, from within you should feel, 'Whatever may be the reason, I am moving on and it is for the best.'
Anonymous
May 19th, 2021 5:00pm
Getting closure depends on the person, and only you can understand how to get closure from your ex. However, there is one common factor for anyone who gets closure: time. A good first step is being patient and understanding that closure takes time and it can't be forced. I know how frustrating and painful it can be to experience the aftermath of a breakup. Being there myself, I tried so desperately to find closure and quickly move on. However, it was only time that helped me to heal. There are other people who are there for you to listen and give you the space to heal. In the end, you will slowly get the closure over time through ways that worked for you specifically.
Anonymous
May 23rd, 2021 6:42pm
Sometimes we don’t get the chance to get a closure with the other person, understand that we can’t force them to give us that if they are already going on with their life, wish them well, and try your best on doing the same, make something symbolic write a letter expressing everything you would like to say to the other person, so you can let that out of your system, people will do what they want to do and it is totally fine, we can too, but we need to start putting ourself first and care for us Gil up our love tank with self love, remember that not everyone it’s ready to met with you at the same level that you are and it ok, once we learn and accept that, it is easier to let go of what wasn’t good for us.
Anonymous
May 23rd, 2021 7:00pm
Text them, let them know that it's over, but you need closure, and talk about whatever is on your mind. Don't be shy, or hesitant when it comes to this; if they talk, you'll be at peace, and if they don't, you know what the relationship means to them, and they're not worth your time, and you're still at peace. Also give him the space to understand you. Let him be free with you make him understand it's okay to not to be ok. I think you should plan dates with him make him feel happy and let him know ur there
B1uee1ephant
June 3rd, 2021 1:51pm
Make a list of the things that went wrong in the relationships or the things they did to mistreat you. Make another list of the positives you offered them in the relationship. Anytime you think of the ex, read the lists. Remind yourself that the past is the past. It was meant to teach you and prepare you for what is to come. Yes you lost someone you had strong feelings for, but one day you will not have to worry about someone leaving. This person will stay forever. Or, maybe you will realize that you do not need anybody. That your self love is enough and you will love a happy life doing what makes you feel complete.
cuddlySunshine
June 9th, 2021 12:05am
Text them, let them know that it's over, but you need closure, and talk about whatever is on your mind. Don't be shy, or hesitant when it comes to this; if they talk, you'll be at peace, and if they don't, you know what the relationship means to them, and they're not worth your time, and you're still at peace.Seeking closure is especially beneficial in situations where the relationship ended via text, Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert, tells Bustle. Nothing's worse than a partner calling things off a little too casually — or straight up ghosting — after you've spent a lot of time together.
Anonymous
June 12th, 2021 11:35pm
Hi. It’s tough to feel like you’re not getting closure from an ex, I’m glad you reached out for support. Sometimes we aren’t able to get closure and we have to begin to accept the circumstance independently. However, the best way to get closure is to reach out to the person and ask for one last constructive conversation. It’s important to understand that everyone around you has boundaries to protect their own well being, and they are entitled to that. If you ask this person to have one last chat with you and they say no, it’s time to accept that they are not going to be able to give you the closure you need. It’s possible to work through your feelings to find a resolution, it takes time. I hope you are able to get what you need to move on and feel at peace. Don’t hesitate to connect with a listener!
Cristina1989
June 17th, 2021 8:11am
Expressing your feelings can be really hard. Especially when it comes to past relationships and people you used to care about. It's important to ask yourself if you want to get back together with him or if you just need someone to be close to. Do you miss him? Or the idea of him? There's a big difference between missing someone and missing the idea of someone. If you feel like you should open up to him, then that's probably the right decision. But think about it before doing so. It's important to pay attention to your feelings. Take care!
Anonymous
June 25th, 2021 4:38pm
The first thing that you must do is take full responsibility for yourself. It can only be up to you, and you alone to give yourself this closure. Your ex can't and will not give it to you. Just by asking this question, you've already taken full responsibility and realized it's ultimately up to you. Some questions that can help you in this stage are: Who are you holding on to an why? Does holding on to it make you truly happy or ae you holding on to something that you wish ended a certain way? Are you using this "holding on" to stay stuck and unresolved? Are you trying to avoid the loss or pain that the situation creates? etc etc You should be proud of yourself for that :) You have to make sure to take time to grieve. I cannot express how important this is, especially for a recent relationship. You need to take time to GRIEVE. Pushing your feelings away, or avoiding your emotions will not help at all. If you have to cry, let it all out. If you have to let go your anger, exercise, do something that helps. Journal, anything like that, that helps you to grieve the relationship for what it was. You need to take plenty time to do this, and not rush the process. Collect your strengths, focus on the positives of your new found singleness. Surround yourself by persons and things that make you happy and that understand you. Assess where you can make a positive change in your life. Look at what makes you happy, and stop trying to please others. Make a plan for the future. Determine what's important for you moving forward. Allow yourself to explore different possibilities/pathways, and see how they work out. It's okay if they don't all work out, but you never know until you try. Finally, create a ritual. Some persons write letters and burn them, some persons clean and remove any trace of what once was. Some persons write a letter and mail them. Some persons say everything they've had to say over the course of the relationship, and throw it away. Some persons write on plates and break them. A ritual can be an effective way to visualize yourself moving on from your past relationship and can offer some sense of relief. Hope this helps, xoxo.
AMomentInTime1830
July 10th, 2021 12:12pm
Closure cannot usually be achieved from another, it comes from within you. Try and understand what it is you are struggling to accept, and then what you’re feelings and needs are. Why are you struggling to let go, what’s keeping you stuck? It’s a grief process that one must endure, not because a person had passed, but because that person is no longer a pert of our lives. Go through the motions, feel the sadness, the anger, and the confusion. Accept that things are different and that that is okay. How best can you move forward without this person? What do YOU need to do or change to be able to do that? Learning acceptance and determining your specific needs will help to gain closure in a situation of loss and change, but it must be about you.
blissfulBreeze3975
July 11th, 2021 6:57pm
From my personal experience, I got closure from meeting up with them/messaging them and speaking openly about the relationship and why it ended. We argued a little after we broke up but that also helped me to get over them quicker and realise that there could be someone better and more respectful out there. I also spoke about my feelings towards them, letting them know that I would still be there if needed, however I feel as though this wasn’t a good idea for me to do. I recommend chatting with them when you are both comfortable, expressing some feelings and then ending things completely on a good note.
sereneTruth8980
October 20th, 2021 1:07am
Are you on good terms? Is there a way for you to reach out that is healthy for both of you? If yes, then send them a text or ask to call. Find a healthy, safe way to communicate with the least amount of pain for both parties. It's so normal to feel like you need closure - I still get the urge to text my exes, even after years - but the most you can do is be open and honest with them, and if they do not communicate with you effectively in a way that eases your stress, then the best you can do is move on.
Anonymous
November 4th, 2021 1:54am
When relationships end, closure is often needed. Some relationships end when one person is left confused and wondering what went wrong without any explanation. Without closure, it can leave a person with sadness, hopelessness and even depression. It is okay to try and reach out to your ex to receive closure if they allow you to. However, sometimes it is best if a person does not get closure. Someone new can walk into your life for the better, and make you forget that you needed closure in the first place. Stay positive, stay strong, and don't forget to keep your head up
Anonymous
November 21st, 2021 5:40am
Sometimes, we need to be able to provide ourselves with closure, rather than seeking it from other people. Closure, sometimes, is also simply our desire to regain contact with an individual. When feeling as if I want or need closure from someone, I first self-evaluate, and ask exactly what I am looking for. Is it for my own comfort and stability? Do I just want to speak with them again? These are all important questions, and we need to consider them with care. I oftentimes find that I am not feeling secure in myself without that person, and that working on personal growth is really what I need. Caring for myself intensely, both physically and mentally, can build up my confidence and self-esteem and eliminate my need for "closure". If you feel as if there is an open-ended question, however, that needs to be answered by the ex, asking them if they feel comfortable answering some questions for your own process of moving forward is the best way to proceed. Also remember to respect boundaries during the process, and if this person has asked you to cease communication with them, then you should respect that boundary.
AmarahSofia
December 23rd, 2021 3:59am
Sometimes having no closure is the closure itself. It’s just that you are not yet ready to accept and let go. It’s understandable that break up is not an easy thing to do, moving on is a process that requires time. For now, just focus on yourself. You don’t need any closure to stop or to put an end about you how feel, it is just a matter of acceptance. Feelings won’t go easily no matter how badly we want it, only time can tell when and how. Occupy yourself with things, get busy, focus on work and other stuff, do sports, get to know other people and spend time with family.