My long-term boyfriend told me that my mental health has affected him and he just wants to be friends as though nothing more ever happened. This really hurts me. What should I do?
Last Updated: 03/10/2021 at 7:28pm
Collin McShirley, LMFT
Marriage & Family Therapist
I love helping people overcome challenges with food, depression, and anxiety. My work with clients is nonjudgement, supportive, and kind.
Top Rated Answers
You should sit down and speak with him. Tell him how you feel about it and really have a conversation about it. It's important that you both understand each other with a clarity.
If he can't learn to support you and love you for who you are, forget about him. You deserve someone who will value you and give you the love and support you need. Sometimes a counselor can also help both partners in the relationship.
On a personal experience, this of course, is very upsetting. We want someone by our side during the hardest moments of our lives, and by this time, someone backs out because of something that we wish we didn't have. It is okay. I am to assure you that the pain might not feel tolerable, but the pain passes. You are very strong! After all the times you stood and fought when not much people can understand you, what holds you back now? There is therapy. There are medications. There are friends. There are many healthy coping mechanisms waiting out there for you to be discovered. And of course, there is always 7 Cups of Tea. One day, you will look back and not regret that yes, after everything, you were strong enough to handle everything with your own two feet, and you will be proud of yourself for that.
you should be honest with him and tell him it hurts your feelings. have a private discussion about both of your feelings and find a solution that works.
As hurtful as it may be, if he is not comfortable being with you, that is his call. But on the other side of this, if you are not comfortable being just friends, that is your call as well. All you can really do is respect his choices and focus on making your own.
He clearly wasn't someone you could rely on to begin with. If you disagree, I suggest offering that you two get help together. It'll possibly restore your bond while simultaneously helping you, mentally.
I suggest that you talk to him about how you are affecting him. Better understand his point of view. But do not think negatively of yourself. If it is something small that you feel can be changed go for it. But if it goes on a deeper level of separation then consider friendship as perhaps a good thing
I think you have to respect his decision and perhaps focus on yourself for a while. Consider counselling to help you get through any issues you may be having and learn to build a relationship with yourself, looking after yourself and caring for yourself are the first steps in having a fully functional relationship. Until we can have a good relationship with ourselves, its impossible to have one with someone else.
Respect that he has come to you honestly, this must have been difficult. Maybe now you should also open up to him and say how this has hurt you. When you are both on the same page, it makes it a lot easier to solve the problem together.
It is important to protect yourself and be aware of negative influences. Keep yourself as the priority and take your time to heal.
There's not much you can do about him he has already made this choice right on focus on yourself and your needs
Situations like these can be tough. However, if you support him and he believes that is whats best, then try to be there for him even if it is just as a friend.
Well, you must respect his wishes if he wants to end the relationship, he must respect yours if you are incapable of friendship. However, if you want to make it work, you may need to better explain what mental health care helps, how you cope, how to make it easier for him to understand and tend, as well as help you understand that he too is taking on the pressure, and must also be tended and nurtured. Both parties may have to work harder to make the whole thing work. It is up to the two of you.
I understand that you are hurt. No relationship is easy, but if he feels a certain way you should listen to him. It was hurtful I am sure to be told "nothing ever happened", and I think that was inconsiderate of your feelings. I would try maybe talking to him how that hurt you. Feel free to reach out to me personally, I understand am here to help with compassion and guide you to the best of my abilities.
You should speak to him about what he means by this and think about if he cannot support you on your lows, then wouldn’t you want someone else to be there with you on your highs?
Take this time to focus on managing your mental health and finding love for yourself. Become the best version of yourself. Focusing on someone else and their view or love for you is only a distraction to your overall goal of controlling your life. I am sure that you love him and you can see how this may be a lot for him to comprehend, but if it meant to be then it will happen with time and effort. Be selfish and only worry about you and what is best for you. If that leads to you two getting back together, great!! If not, then you have the best version of yourself to give to another guy who can love you, and grow with you more than you could imagine.
Talk to hik about him this has made you feel. And if he doesn't care don't be his friend. He needs to understand your mental health is not something you can easily change, and if he doesn't get that he isn't the right person for you. I'm sure you can find someone else, and they will be completely accepting of your mental health, what ever it may be. A partner should completely accept you. He can't decide that your mental health is "too much" or act like you can change it for him. If he doesn't understand that's his problem. So -Divina
You should address it calmly let him know that it hurt you let him know that you are willing to be friends, but you'll never be able to pretend like nothing happened because he was apart of your life and that hard to forget just like that. then you should take care of yourself hold your head high and never forget that you are beautiful and he was something you had to go through to get to the person you will meet in the future that will love you and help you with your mental health problems and know that even though it's going to hurt you have to keep going don't let him see how much it has hurt you because you are amazing and we as girls have girl power
It's difficult to accept that your boyfriend isn't supportive of your struggles with mental health. Struggling with mental health isn't the easiest thing to deal with. Maybe you should be friends with him & focus on yourself for the time being. Take a new hobby like drawing, writing poetry, or cooking. Take the energy to focus on you and ask yourself how you want to improve. Create goals such as travelling around the world, meeting new people, getting a therapist to help you with your mental health issues, or learning a new language to meet new people. Those are some ideas that I have.
I had similar thing with my boyfriend a few years ago. I tried everything to get him back because that's all I wanted I even pretended I was fine. But he saw through that. It wasn't until I looked at myself and I thought about what I was going and how I could go through things. I realised I actually did need help. So I went and got help took a long time but i started to sort myself out. Then me and the boy started talking again became friend and eventually got back together. You have to do things for yourself not to win someone round. Might take months or years but if your meant to be together you will be.
I myself would ask him why he wants to be just friends, what in your mental health affected him and how. I think the most important thing in this is that you two talk it all through, so both of you are on the same so-called level. This way, you two have an understanding of how you two feel. And, do not forget to tell him how this makes you feel. I think you should always tell the other person how you feel if they have hurt you by words or actions. Speaking up of problems helps a lot. After all of this, you can both re-evaluate whether you want to truly stay as friends, or continue being girlfriend and boyfriend.
It's understandable how this can really hurt you and how it can make you feel unwanted and unloved. However, it is good that he was so open and honest about it. He says he feels affected by your mental health, so he would like to just be friends. It's a simple reaction to take care of himself. And that is normal. It will hurt a lot, but you should respect his decision. Is there anything positive you can take from this? You'll have more time to focus on yourself. You can learn how to be happy on your own and how to accept yourself outside of this relationship. You can learn not to be dependent on him or any other boyfriend that might come along. It will be difficult and it will hurt a lot, but maybe you can see this also as a chance for personal growth.
talk to him about. tell him how this makes you feel and maybe even talk to your parents about it. they might be able to help you. if you dont feel better after that then try to get out and do things. distractions are an easy way to forgive and forget. im not giving adivse im just telling you from personal experience what i have done when this has happened to me. break ups are hard, they are even harder when you feel like they are your fault. it is not your fault though it is his because he cant handle something that is hard to deal with. he just isnt the right guy for you.
Look words can hurt, but you should go talk to someone like your parents, teachers or friends because I have never been in your shows and don’t know, but don’t always listen to people have your own personality don’t let one boy ruin your confidence you have on yourself, and always know love is all about how much can you handle each other no matter what you have he must take care of you and still be together this is what true love really is but if you also think it might not work then go ahead no one is stopping you but keep in mind, you are the best!
You need to talk to him about this and explain to him that this has hurt you deeply. Communication is essential in this. See what he says and explain that your feelings have been hurt. If he doesn’t want to be with you, then understand what the real reasons are. Explain that you are getting help and hoping to work through these issues and being in a long term relationship with him has made you very happy. If he understands this he will want to support you and be with you. If not, then you will be able to move on.
Never let someone project the way they feel on your, or force you to take the blame for anything. When engaging with someone in a debate I always try to avoid words that generally accuse or lead people to acquiesce. What you can't do is take advice from others, you have to figure your relationship out yourself because nobody knows it better than you. I've been in a relationship for almost ten years, we've been through ups and downs that most couples could only imagine. Nothing is set in stone, your future is yours alone and with or without a specific person, there are billions of others out in the world to keep you company and plenty of listeners here on 7 cups who truly love and support you!
Tell him what you think about it and how you feel. He needs to know both sides of the story and not just one. It hurts you and that is okay. It is okay to feel it and talk about it. Love hurts and it hurts to let someone go but sometimes we must take care of our own healthy first. It is like a list: 1. You 2. Then a very long time nobody 3. The people around you. You are the most important person in your life and it is really important that you put yourself on the first and not someone else. Talk about it and maybe try to feel like he does. It will help. Best luck!
In situations like that, it might be best to acknowledge that, unfortunately, they aren't the person you may need right now. Everyone needs someone they can lean on for things like mental health, and it seems like he is unable to be supportive. It will probably hurt, but letting him go might best the best thing for you. It is also important to understand that hurting is normal, and you can grieve the relationship. However, don't let the grief control you. You need to take care of yourself both mentally and be surrounded with people who help you with that, and if he can't than letting him go will help you continue on your path.
I know it hurts but you have to honor and respect his wishes. Because it is beginning to look like he might not be the right person for you. I know this hurt but it is better for it to happen right now than to be in a committed relationship like marriage. Count your blessings and try to be patient until the right person comes along for you. The right person will be able to accept you for who you are and be willing to fight along side with you when the battles come your way. Hang in there my friend and I pray nothing but the best for you as you move forward with your life.
I don't understand how changing the nature of the relationship would affect him any less. If I were you, I wouldn't even want to be friends with him. Your mental health will not always be at its peak, and that's fine. It's okay not to be okay. All you can do is try your best to get through this difficult time in your life and take it one day at a time. While you're doing this, it is of utmost importance to surround yourself with people who uplift, encourage, and inspire you. You need people who are willing to give you strength in your times of weakness and give you hope when you don't have any. To me, that's a true friend. Not someone who wants to make a run for it because you are too difficult to deal with or you aren't at your best. I hope this helped.
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