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My long-term boyfriend told me that my mental health has affected him and he just wants to be friends as though nothing more ever happened. This really hurts me. What should I do?

169 Answers
Last Updated: 11/21/2021 at 5:15am
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United Kingdom
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Tara Davis, Doctorate in Counselling Psychology

Psychologist

I have worked successfully with a wide range of difficulties. Nothing is more important than developing a warm, compassionate relationship with someone you can trust

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
October 10th, 2020 9:59pm
I understand that relationships can be tough. We all go through the ups and downs of difficult relationships in life. We place so much value on these important people in our lives and when expectations go unfulfilled it always leaves a hole in our lives where they used to be. I appreciate your willingness to share your feelings and that is a wonderful way to begin new relationships. It would appear to me that he values the relationship and the time you both shared together because he still wants to remain friends going forward. Protecting your emotional well-being should be paramount in this situation. You appear to have a clear awareness of your feelings which can help you to set boundaries. What can you do to be ok with this going forward?
DarkPiT23
October 17th, 2020 10:21am
Listen to him, respect his opinions. he is mentally exhausted and needs time from multi-tasking. Give him space. And ask him to vent it will surely help him relieve stress and will help u understand him deeply and directly, if he doesn't want to, then surely give him space that he needs the most but do not isolate him cuz it might affect his position. We all need someone to speak to about the burden we carry, but we always have to remember that the most basic things that take to listen are patience and empathy, no matter how much the opposite person is rude to you. because we don't know what they are dealing with, try to cool head down and understand the circumstances even if he feels that you are not trustworthy enough to be said respect his opinions and do not take as an offense, it will only hurt you later, try to understand his and your position too. Because sometimes what happens is that we are not even in our stable conditions but we go and help our loved ones sacrificing our feels, later it results in us being hurt, do not load yourself too much for someone's happiness who can' get enough of you or doesn't value you.
amazingCandy4012
October 22nd, 2020 9:51am
You can first sit and discuss about what he feels. What he thinks exactly the problem is. And atleast on your part, try not to get angry or triggered throughout most part of the discussion. If it still doesn't sort out there, ask him to go to a therapist with you and sort out the problems there. This will show him that you are putting efforts for either solving the problems of atleast coming to a middle ground. If he see that you putting efforts to work on your problems in this way, he will try for the relationship from his side too
TheLinenMonk
October 25th, 2020 8:12am
It is really hard for some people to hear, but mental health issues affect everyone around us. Just as it is unpleasant for US to experience, it can also be really tough for those around us too. Certain mental health conditions can be really draining to those closest to us and can have the unfortunate side-effect of leading them to develop their own mental health issues. I once dated a girl with depression and self-esteem issues. I tried and tried to be a positive force in her life but she wasn't ready to move past her issues, and so MY mental wellbeing started being affected. As much as it hurt me to break up with her, I had to as the relationship started negatively impacting the other parts of my life. People aren't always equipped to know how to manage others with mental health issues. So, seeing their loved ones suffering is really stressful. The more we care the more it can hurt us to see them suffer. It is truly unfortunate. It is nobody's fault. It just an unfortunate reality of how these sorts of things go.
Anonymous
November 26th, 2020 8:49am
Being honest always helps; tell him how it makes you feel. Have a friendly conversation with him, without arguing; both of you have to feel okay about opening up to each other and showing your true emotions. Both sides also have to be understanding as your long-term boyfriend got affected by your mental health, and he should also be understanding as you have mental health, which is normal, but he should also be more considerate of you. It can be challenging for both of you as both of you were in a relationship for a long time. Hope this helps!
Anonymous
December 25th, 2020 12:43pm
First of all, thank you for the question, 7cups is here to listen to you. You are not responsible for what others feel about you, sometimes we try our best to put ourselves in a position to make others feel comfortable but it does not work every time, does it? He is your partner and here I would consider him as your well-wisher as well, next thing you can do is talk to him about what is it that bothers him related to you. Talking and opening up with your partner could make a big difference. You have tried your best to support him and you expect him to support you as well, so it's not a big deal. You stay strong and if in the case at the end he decides to keep his distance allow him to do that and I hope he would understand your value.
bubblegumNarwhal3234
January 9th, 2021 3:44pm
If he can be friends with you but not in a relationship, it seems as though your mental health isn’t the primary issue. Maybe take a break from the relationship and see how that goes for both of you. Never feel guilty for your mental health, you cannot control it. Have you been to see a doctor to discuss your mental health and accessed materials available to support good management of mental health? That could be a good option for you to begin your journey to a better state of mind, but remember, you only need to focus on yourself right now.
Goodminds17
January 21st, 2021 11:49pm
I can imagine that you are feeling very hurt which is understandable due to this situation, some people do not understand mental illness to know how to deal or help those who suffer with it. I cannot give advice on what to do but I hope you can learn that your mental health is very important in your life and it needs to be looked after no matter what it takes! Maybe you could consider taking time to think about what can help your mental health, your triggers and how you feel better about it too.
Sugaryshell8242
January 29th, 2021 8:32am
I am sorry to hear that he justs want to be friends with you even after you guys being romantically involved as though nothing happened. I think it would be better to let him go. I know it is not easy. It is never going to be. But imagine holding on to this guy as a rope. The tighter you hold, the more it will be painful. Once you let go off the rope, your hand will burn for a few minutes or even hours for that matter. But it will definitely heal with time. Trust me on this.
bouncySky15
February 1st, 2021 8:32pm
It takes a lot of courage to tell someone you care about that their mental health is having an effect on you. It may not feel great for you right now, but he's doing what he needs to do to take care of himself, and although you may be hurting, allow him to take that space. In the long run a conversation about your relationship and the effects it had on both of you is probably worthwhile, however in this situation you will likely have to wait until he is ready to have that conversation to talk with him about it. You can absolutely tell him how you feel (in a calm way using "I" statements and not making anger driven accusations) but he may not be in a position to do anything about it for a little while. You can still care about someone without being in a romantic relationship with them, so show him you still care by supporting his needs while addressing your own.
Anonymous
February 21st, 2021 12:13pm
I am so sorry you are going through this. Losing a loved one is very painful. I see this is hurting you a lot. Mental health issues affects us and the people around us as well. It is difficult to be a care giver. Sounds like it has been tough on him as well. If you are comfortable sharing, help me understand what got your relationship to this phase. What do you think happened for him to react in this way? I cannot give you advice as you are the one who knows your situation well. But talking about what happened might help you through this. I am here to actively listen to you.
Anonymous
March 10th, 2021 7:28pm
At times it can be hard to accept the boundaries of other people. Relationships take two people to work and if one person is unable to consent to remaining in the relationship then that person's consent has to be honored and respected. Ending a long-term, intimate relationship can be incredibly difficult, but it may also end up being what is best or healthiest. If someone does not want to stay then any relationship that results from them staying against their desire is not going to be healthy or happy for either of you. But, as they say, "every cloud has a silver lining" and the silver lining here may be that if you are no longer spending time as a couple, then you will likely have time to work on your mental health. Do you ask yourself how you can improve the quality of your relationships or about where you stand on boundaries? If you want further support to help regarding relationship stress then please communicate with one of our listeners or therapists on this site. You can also receive access to self-help guides and mindfulness exercises on our site too. You will always be one-half of any relationship you have, so optimizing yourself gives your future relationships a leg up. Chatting with a friend who has also been through relationship stress normalise what your going through and it becomes easier to open up when you find that someone can relate to you!
whimsicalHand2098
March 31st, 2021 6:59am
I think that you should respect his decision and also keep in mind that he loves you enough to tell you the truth. It is not your fault, and it’ll be for the better. I think you should tell him that you’re there for him and that you love him with all of your heart. Tell him that he should seek help if he needs it and you’ll be by his side, even as a friend, and you’ll be there when he’s ready. Don’t forget that your feelings are valid and it’s okay to be sad. Just remember that this is what’s best for him right now.
lovelyPuppy3621
April 11th, 2021 8:26pm
I would let him know how you feel, but I would also realize that if that's how he feels then you need to respect that. If he wants to end your relationship there's nothing you can really do about it. I know it's hard to end a relationship with someone you love, but you also can't force it. If you want to continue being friends you need to be careful that your feelings for him are gone. If you still have feelings for him then you shouldn't try to be friends. I know how hard it is to let someone go, but sometimes its for the best.
Anonymous
April 15th, 2021 2:16am
From my personal experience when someone has made up their mind that they do not want to be with someone anymore sometimes we can’t change it. As much as it broke my heart at the time. I Had to let them go. It was very helpful for me to hangout with friends and have support during that time. In the end everything worked out for me elsewhere and it was probably better even though it was not what I wanted. I will always say it was his loss and just keep moving on with my life and know the people who love me
Anneb
May 2nd, 2021 5:58am
That must be really hurtful I am so sorry to hear that. When our emotions are in turmoil especially with something like this it is so difficult to make decisions. Your emotional wellbeing is very important, you have also mentioned mental health issues so right now you need to be very kind and gentle with yourself. I know that this might feel like a very dark tunnel with no light at the end, but remember that there is a very caring community right here at 7 cups to support you. You are not alone. So take a deep breath and when you are ready then perhaps it's time to think aboutwhat your next step should be.
CountlessWishesL
May 27th, 2021 12:28pm
I'm so sorry. That must be very hurtful to hear and be on the receiving end of. If he has made up his mind to just be friends now, there's very little you can do, unfortunately. Maybe going on a small mental health break for you to get some rest and self-care would be beneficial for your relationship, depending on how severe your mental status has gotten, and see if he agrees to that. I wouldn't risk my dignity or sense of worth by asking someone to come back once they've made up their mind to depart. As much as magazines and dating "gurus" try to tell you that you can "win someone back", I don't think it lasts very long IF both people are not mutually in the relationship for the right reasons (for mutual respect, love, and care). My wish for you is to have a partner that cares for you and can also navigate his own life. Maybe he can't or doesn't know how to handle the not-so-good times in a relationship, such as mental health issues. I'm not sure. I hope this helped you.
Anonymous
November 18th, 2021 2:19am
I really feel for the situation you are in. His mental health should be his priority, and your mental health should be your priority. If his request is hurtful to you, as you stated, perhaps the relationship you two have is not beneficial for either of you. Based on my experience, acting as if things did not occur between you is not easy, nor healthy. Finding a new way to interact moving forward while not denying that the past happened may be difficult, however, dealing truthfully in reality often is. Or, as an alternative, if it is better for your emotional health, discontinuing contact are two reasonable possibilities. Good luck my friend!
Anonymous
November 21st, 2021 5:15am
As a woman who suffers from Bipolar Disorder, I completely understand how my own mental health has contributed to issues in my personal relationships. It is important to note that there are people who love us, and we love them, but they may not always have the mental space to hear our issues. It can be hurtful, as our mental health is important, but seeking therapy or listeners can be very beneficial, in comparison to frequently trauma-dumping on partners or close friends and family. You can make it a point to ask if they have space to hear from you concerning your struggles at the time, so that they do not feel overwhelmed. It can be very hurtful, but sometimes we need to be in a good space with a healthy support system before expecting others to sacrifice their own mental wellbeing to be a support.