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Should I tell my boyfriend that I cheated?

317 Answers
Last Updated: 08/06/2021 at 10:04am
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Paola Giordani, Psychoanalyst

Licensed Psychoanalyst

I have helped and am helping people cope with loss, divorce, anguish and parenting. Depression is also a major issue that comes up.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
March 21st, 2021 8:31pm
Honesty is a strength and from my experience what is done in the dark will come to light. Be brave and own your mistakes by being honest about them and not hiding them from yourself or those who have been impacted by said mistake. It takes great courage and your future self will thank you for being courageous and respecting both yourself and your boyfriend. People deserve to know the truth, especially when in regards to broken trust. Your boyfriend has a right to know the truth even if it will hurt him initially. We are stronger than we think. I wish you all the best.
Sea23
March 25th, 2021 1:02am
Thanks for reaching out! It's easy for people to assert their advice on whether or not you should or should not tell your boyfriend you cheated. Ask yourself if you do tell you boyfriend you cheated, how would you feel? How would you feel if your boyfriend were to find out from someone else? If I were in your position, I would tell. You can ask yourself what your boyfriend's boundaries are versus your own. How do you two define cheating and what falls under the category of cheating? Your boyfriend may react in two ways, with gratitude that you had the courage to be honest or anger as he felt betrayed. You can reflect on how to go by this situation involving cheating by putting yourself in your boyfriend's shoes. Ask yourself if you want to renew the relationship with your boyfriend or stick with the other person? If you want to make amends with your boyfriend you either choose being with your boyfriend or the other guy. There are support organizations concerning relationships called Relate and OneLoveFoundation for further support. If you don't feel good with a person, it's best to end the bond in a civil way. You are so welcome to reach out to one of our listeners or therapists for further support. Thanks for your honesty!
Anonymous
March 31st, 2021 3:18pm
If you had a one-time indiscretion and ended up cheating on your partner, chances are you have at least a bit of guilt. That doesn't necessarily mean you should tell your partner what happened. In fact, Dr. Ruth Westheimer, a 91-year-old sex therapist who's been practicing for decades, said that in most cases, it's best to keep one-time-only affairs under wraps. "I don't believe in honesty at all costs," Westheimer told Insider as part of her partnership with Hotwire, a website for finding affordable flights, cars, and hotels. She added that disclosing an affair could "make a bad impression" and ruin the chances of your long-term relationship lasting.
Anonymous
April 9th, 2021 4:53am
Its honestly up to you, but before you decide, I want you to think about being in his shoes. What would you want him to do if the roles were switched? Sometimes people would prefer not to know because they know it would destroy them and others prefer the truth. Another thing to keep in mind is the type of cheating. was it just a one time thing? Or do you like this other boy as well? The truth will eventually come out, it always does. If he hears it from someone else, it will be worse than it coming from you. And if you do decide to tell him and he doesn’t forgive you, you should still be proud of yourself because honesty is an important quality to have now a days not many people still have
Anonymous
April 15th, 2021 3:48pm
In my opinion you should. Trust is needed in a relationship. It can be much worse if you decide not to tell him and wait until he finds out on his own. He might get upset and mad but he will most likely get more upset if you decide to hide the truth from him and wait until the truth is revealed to him. Try to talk to him calmly and try to explain why you did it. Cheating is a really bad thing but he might forgive you for your actions if you are sincere to him perhaps.
lovelyForever4738
April 22nd, 2021 1:24am
Should I tell my boyfriend that I cheated ? Honestly it depends on the situation . You must understand that there is a huge possibility that he will break up with you , yet eventually it will end up hurting you more if you don't tell him . There is also a major chance that he will find out by his self and he will be more hurt that you didn't tell him and worry that it is still going on. It is better if you are honest with your partner . You also must make sure you will not be in danger if you tell him .
melissa09088
April 28th, 2021 1:13am
If you feel like you're ready or if it is the right thing to do than you should! I am here to support you how much I can, whatever you feel is right you should do! If you feel like you're not ready yet I suggest you write what you would like to say in a note and give it to him later. I hope you figure out what the best Idea is sooner or later, I am glad you are coming to terms since you have joined us on this app. I hope you figure out the best idea soon.
Anonymous
May 5th, 2021 11:28pm
It's best to be honest in my opinion. If you keep it to yourself and he finds out, you will be in more trouble and he will be more angry with you that you didn't tell him sooner. You have already cheated and you cannot go back into the past and change that, so the best option right now is to tell the truth as it will get worse if you keep it to yourself. He might accept it and nothing too bad will happen but it depends on the person and your connection with them, be prepared if he gets angry which will most likely happen.
Anonymous
May 12th, 2021 8:42pm
I have a rule of thumb for moments like this: If you are asking yourself "should I tell my partner about this?" the answer is almost always yes. In my experience, the only time that I ask myself this question is when something has happened that I am nervous about my partner's reaction about. This usually means that it is something that, if I kept it from them, they would be very upset to find out about later. Rather than building your relationship on a foundation of secrecy and avoiding conflict, you are more likely to come out of this with a healthy relationship if you accept responsibility and try to address the problem together.
Anonymous
May 22nd, 2021 10:42am
I think that's a yes. Because a relationship is maintained by trust and sharing things. You might be initially afraid to disclose it but am sure speaking out about it can be the best choice. Maybe the next time he'll open up. Maybe you can tell him and assure it won't happen again which makes him trust you more (so will he think that you won't be hiding anything) Mistakes are made and those are maintained when we talk and don't repeat. I hope things get well soon and I wish you both for moving on forward. Have a nice day. 😃
bigbear415
May 26th, 2021 9:02pm
The decision is ultimately yours, but relationships are often reliant on a foundation of trust. Try putting yourself in the shoes of your boyfriend. If he cheated on you, would you rather know the truth about your boyfriend's actions in the long run? It doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship has to end, but rather an admission that you're all made of faults and that you value your partner's trust over anything else. Look inside yourself and see how you want the relationship to continue. If trust is something you value in the long run, it might be worth it.
Anonymous
June 3rd, 2021 9:46am
Being honest and open about those things is very important, especially if you're hoping to stay in the relationship with said person. Communication is key. The truth will have to come forward, eventually. Everyone makes mistakes in life, but it would be fair to tell your partner what has happened; as a gesture of respect for his feelings. It may be daunting having to have that conversation but, depending on what you want, you can hopefully work on things together. It entirely depends on what you are seeking. Are you wanting to stay with your partner? Either way, it would be kind to tell him about what has happened.
SweetyPati
June 10th, 2021 8:13am
yes, I think because relationship requires trustworthiness. Try to find the suitable time when your partner is in free and relaxed state tell him that why you cheated how you got trapped and how you could do nothing in that case. There is no intention in you and if ever you have, then accept it and assure him that you will not commit that again. and in case you don't want to stay in relationship with your boyfriend end it, tell him that it is better to end the relationship and go on own respective ways.
Anonymous
June 20th, 2021 5:47pm
You should figure out what was going wrong with your relationship in the first place that made you want to look somewhere else for love. Cheating is just a result of a lack which exists in your current relationship. I think you should focus on how to heal the gap in your relationship as opposed to just saying what happened and trying to figure it out. If it's a relationship that you want to keep going to the source problem is always the way to go. Speak it out put it all on the table in an honest no aggressive way.
Anonymous
July 8th, 2021 3:23am
In my personal endeavors I have learned that honesty truly is the best policy. Relationships built on lies and secrets begin to crumble and generally don't end up well. The best way to have an honest, healthy relationship is to come clean and start fresh. To avoid hurting both parties you have to look at the relationship as a whole and not just on the event of cheating. Self-reflection is a powerful tool. Ask yourself how you would feel if your partner cheated and didn't tell you about the event or waited to tell you? Not being honest can cause more hurt to both parties in the end.
Anonymous
July 8th, 2021 12:17pm
if it was up to me i would tell him that i cheated. first thing first, it's not something that can be hidden forever. in case, you hid it can you live with the guilt? also i would think what led me to the cheating? is there something wrong with the relationship or did i loose feeling? there is never a easy answer when it comes to relationships but there is always a choice to reflect on the reason why it has come to this. also the frequency of cheating has to be taken into account. has it happened before if not, what's different this time around? there are lot of questions that could be asked and be reflected upon.
quercusilex
August 6th, 2021 10:04am
For me, it depends on the conditions of when that happened. Was there emotional connection between you and the other person or it was just physical? You have to bear in mind that each relationship is different and cheating can be a serious issue for a concrete one whereas for another it can serve as a way to open up about things that need to be communicated. In my case, I would only tell if I thought my relationship was going to be deteriorated because of that fact. But that is completely up to you and your type of relationship. In any case, remember to be kind!