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Should I tell my boyfriend that I cheated?

317 Answers
Last Updated: 08/06/2021 at 10:04am
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Paola Giordani, Psychoanalyst

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I have helped and am helping people cope with loss, divorce, anguish and parenting. Depression is also a major issue that comes up.

Top Rated Answers
JD821
September 15th, 2016 3:18pm
Yes, as much as it hurts, you need to. Truth and honesty strengthens relationships, forgiveness is tough but earned. If you don't tell him, and he finds out, then it's over. If you tell him and you beg for his forgiveness, and want to prove yourself, then he should give you a chance at least.
Dtro18
September 26th, 2018 7:04am
No one on this site will know all the ins and outs of your relationship. The fact that you came here suggests you are unsure about the morality of the situation; perhaps you are stuck between keeping him in a state of blissful ignorance and being afraid of what he will do when he finds out. Perhaps you are delaying the inevitable and you feel guilty. In cases such as these, general advice is the best anyone can do. Relationships require open communication and trust to function. If you feel that you have done something to compromise that trust, it may cause a rift that can potentially end the relationship. Ultimately it is up to you to make this decision, and delaying the decision only prolongs your moral conundrum.
Anonymous
September 9th, 2018 9:48pm
Keeping it to yourself may prolong your own stress as the guilt could way heavily on your conscience. The longer you leave it the harder it will become to tell your partner and will ultimately completely ruin the trust built between you. It's better you get it done with and try and discuss both of your feelings. Even though I do believe this, don't push yourself into it- find the right situation in a comfortable area to tell him, make sure you're both ready to hear the truth and make sure if he needs it, you give him space, for the best.
Mrtempleton
August 3rd, 2018 1:08am
Yes you should. It shows that you care enough to admit your mistakes and are willing to work it out. If you keep it a secret and he finds out he will probably never trust you again.
Anonymous
July 20th, 2018 2:59am
I believe you should tell him. Relationships are about trust and honesty so if telling him that you cheated may hurt but he honesty is ill surely be appreciated in the long run.
sereneBlue2121
August 18th, 2015 3:43pm
Definitely. If you don't then it'll hurt him even more if he finds out from someone else. But if you tell him, sure, he might be sad and mad at you for cheating, but if you don't, he'll be sad and mad at you for cheating AND lying to him.
Anonymous
April 20th, 2017 5:09am
I understand you probably feel scared or confused at this moment, but take a break and focus on you for at least an hour and at the end come to your decision. Sometimes its best to look at your situation with a clear mind.
Anonymous
March 4th, 2015 5:41pm
Honesty and trust is very important in a relationship, if you respect your partner yes I think you should tell him what you've done, then it will be up to him to forgive you or not.
Anonymous
September 11th, 2020 3:19pm
While being open and honest might seem like the right thing to do, the decision you make should really be based on what you can live with," says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York-based marriage and sex therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. "The ideal situation is that you're honest with your partner about being unfaithful and you work through the issue together,” she says. "But for a lot of different reasons, it doesn't always work out that way." If you cheat—whether it was a one-night stand or a fling that ended—and you realize how important your relationship is and promise to yourself that it will never happen again, Greer says that you don't have to necessarily share it with your S.O. If you know your partner will be unforgiving, and that coming clean will destroy the relationship, it might be better to keep your guilt to yourself. Despite not being honest with your partner, she says that it is possible to grow from your mistake and make an effort to not take your bond for granted. That being said, Greer thinks you absolutely should tell your partner if he catches you (otherwise you're going to make him feel like an idiot) or if you feel that being honest is more true to your character and is worth risking a relationship for.
Anonymous
December 26th, 2019 5:39am
It's completely your decision it is good if you don't want to live with this heavy heart obviously it will hurt him but you can't keep him in dark he has right to know maybe he'll not forgive you hurt you back but you can't run away you have to face it. Just take some courage and tell him why did you do that. It is your fault and your mistake you have to apologise to him. If you feel sorry for him just tell him. So that you don't have to regret that what if I have told him. Just do what you seems right for both of you
funnyApple3506
August 17th, 2019 1:46am
Yes, I think it’s good to be honest with him. Carrying this around inside yourself can cause many unpleasant feelings and while telling him the truth may also bring hard to deal with feelings, it’s a good first step in the healing process for you both. It may hurt him to know the truth but I think it’s important for him to know, especially if you are wanting to continue to have a relationship with him. If he had been the one to cheat would you want to know? And if you found out from someone other than him how would that make you feel? These are important things to think about while you contemplate telling him.
kdog334
June 30th, 2015 8:24am
Short answer yes. If you are with your boyfriend for all the right reasons then there should be no reason not to tell him. Same works for the opposite gender.
Anonymous
March 2nd, 2018 5:24pm
I think you should tell him, for a relationship to work out well, truth and honesty are very important. No doubt, it would be very hard for him to hear this and for you to speak this at first, but hiding it won't make it better either, you would always be living with the fear and guilt of you cheating on him, it can create stress on you which can further worsen your relationship and also if at any time later he comes to know of this, it'll all become worse. It's always best to tell the truth, I've experienced it, it seems hard at first, the fear covers you, but afterwards things only better, biggest of all is that even you yourselves do get rid of the secret lie. Thanks! These were my thoughts, I hope they'll provide some help : )
sweetCupcake26
February 2nd, 2016 8:51pm
Yes , it will hurt but you will find peace ... If love is true then you can both over come this , justify your actions and be honest .. he is worth it
Psychstudies13
February 1st, 2018 9:17am
I think that u should. It might make him upset, but he will be thanful that u told him instead of others
Anonymous
May 24th, 2016 11:12am
I think you should. Because in a relationship, trust and honesty comes first. And if you really loved him you wouldn't do it again :)
Anonymous
April 6th, 2017 3:36am
Ideally speaking yes, but when and how is critical. You are the best judge! You are the best judge of whether to tell or not as well, as you know your situation and how your boyfriend will react. If your conscience is pricking you constantly and you prefer a clear mind rather than worry about the consequences then go and tell him by all means. If you think that he will not be able to handle truth well and if you hide it, everything will be great in the relationship and at the same time you will be able to forgive yourself and not repeat it, then you might think of not telling him. I very strongly believe that a strong and long lasting relationship is always based on honesty and mutual trust & respect. All the best!
Anonymous
September 27th, 2016 3:50pm
I feel you should definitely tell your boyfriend that you cheated. Transparency is the key in any relationship.
Anonymous
October 1st, 2016 11:49pm
Yes, don't let him find out by himself, you owe him that. Unless you want to leave him, in which case you shouldn't add to his pain for no reason.
lenimentus
May 2nd, 2018 9:00am
Depends on the circumstances and who you are as a person as well as who both of you are as a couple. I don't know what happened but as you have already allowed yourself to cheat I would assume that the relationship is over or dying off slowly so I would suggest to tell him and to break it off instead of potentially hurting him (even more).
listeningangel28
April 19th, 2018 5:17am
One needs to think and ask themself if your own subconscious mind is not liking the fact that you are cheating or you dont want to cheat because you have a boyfriend? What makes you most afraid? You conscience or the principles you are obliged to follow by the society?! You need to ask yourself what is important to you and there lies your answer!
Anonymous
April 3rd, 2018 6:37pm
If it was me, i would because trust is key to a relationship. So for you to tell him that is something big because most people wouldnt tell there partner they did.
Jerome28
June 8th, 2017 1:55am
It depends. Questions to ask yourself: Are you telling him to hurt him or make him jealous? Are you telling him to provoke him so that he'll get revenge on the person you cheated with? Are you telling him for constructive reasons? Do you feel a strong moral obligation to tell him? The motive for telling him is very important.
Anonymous
April 12th, 2017 8:13pm
Yes, you can't keep this and think about that every day, let him move forward and make his own opinion. He could took the news really good, see that you regret maybe. Or he will simply move on and start something new, but it's important to not hide this. You will hurt yourself mentally and emotionally
comfortableHeart66
February 29th, 2016 1:42pm
Yaa that truthfulness will make your relationship stronger. Atleast he can forget this and take a fresh start with you
Yupanqi78
July 5th, 2016 1:49am
If it a one time thing, perhaps no. If it is something that you plan to continue for some time, yes.
McHappy
April 10th, 2015 4:24pm
Yes I think that people should its like one way when ur kissing me he would be kissing him. Just saying but so overall yes.
Anonymous
June 30th, 2015 9:27am
Ya Cause A)You knew twas wrong but did it anyway B) It's selfish to hide from him & pretend it's ok.
amiableCompanion
June 23rd, 2015 8:09pm
This will hurt him immensely, but it is good for you as well as your boyfriend in the long run of life.
SenpaiXD
April 20th, 2015 10:42am
Yes. Having no honesty between your partner doesn't lead to a lasting relationship and often end up in conflicts.