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What to do when you feel you are not good enough for someone?

210 Answers
Last Updated: 04/07/2021 at 3:42am
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Tracy-Kate Teleke, M.A., LMFT

Marriage & Family Therapist

I assist adults and couples in CA experiencing relationship challenges and interpersonal struggles including anxiety, depression, and a myriad of other life challenges.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
July 4th, 2020 4:39am
Ah, a problem I face on a regular basis. This question really made me think: when we feel that we are not good enough for someone, is that not just a speculation on our part? To us, we may feel like there's so much we lack but what if to the other party, we are exactly what they need? I would say, do not try to change yourself for the other party. There is only one of you in the world and it would be terrible if you lose yourself to someone who does not see nor appreciate the real you. Do not beat yourself up too much, because you may be perfect in their eyes but you just do not know it.
Anonymous
July 17th, 2020 2:51am
If you ever feel like you are not good enough for someone the first thing to do is to know that you are good enough regardless what the other person thinks. It's normal to feel like we aren't good enough and everyone at least once in their life, has felt the all too annoying feeling of not feeling good enough. Even if hypothetically the person does for some stupid reason think you're not good enough, you shouldn't bother yourself with it. As cliche as it sounds, you know yourself best. Compared to the other person, he/she doesn't know you as well as you know yourself. If you can be good enough for yourself, don't bother yourself with somebody else's opinion.
ces101
July 25th, 2020 12:27pm
'know your worth'. feeling of being not good enough for someone is not your problem anyway, because you don't need to please yourself to someone to like you or impress you. You live for your life not for them. always remember that your value doesn't based on someone's inability to see your worth. thinking that you are not good enough and that's bother you then move out and pretend to be okay. But instead of hating those people try to love them and you'll find peace of mind. remember, you are worth more than second thoughts and maybes..smile and be happy!
Anonymous
July 31st, 2020 1:06am
No one is good enough for another person—it is not a competition. We all have different values and beliefs, and our pace in learning is different too. Life is an experience, not a chore. We don't have to achieve anything in life to be successful. It is our experience, the process of learning that is enjoyable in life. We are born to be the person we are—not to be the person we want to be. What we think, we become, what we project, we attract. Be who you are, and the right person will find you. You don't have to be good enough for another person. You are enough.
Anonymous
August 2nd, 2020 9:34pm
Start to note what makes you special about yourself (what you bring to the table). When we don't feel good enough for someone else, we tend to put them on a pedestal and put ourselves in a corner in light of who we think they are. There's nothing wrong with admiring someone else, being inspired by them or wanting to share a connection. It can take effort to put yourself at an equal stance as them. But it can feel like we're giving so much of our power away when we don't give ourselves the same recognition we give other people.
BehereForU
August 6th, 2020 2:51am
Remind myself of my strong points. People can be valued in so many different ways. Maybe the other person just likes you for who you are, you are very honest and sincere, you have a warm heart. It's not necessarily the good you think it is. Try talk to the other person, chances are that you could find so many good things about you! If he/she cares about you, you will find it's nothing to worry about. If anyone let you feel down by saying something negative about you, remember it's not your problem and remind yourself you could do so much more.
AdorableSoul224
August 8th, 2020 7:21am
When I feel like I'm not good enough for someone, I try to remind myself of all my good qualities. I'm no better or worse than anyone else. The things I'm good at, I really REALLY excel at. The things I'm not great at, I'm willing to learn and try to do better at. I'm smart, at least in the things I'm interested in. I'm funny. I am worthy of sometimes time, attention, and love. I. Am. Worthy. I. Am. Worthy. You. Are. Worthy. YOU. ARE. WORTHY.
Sasha21caprihan
August 22nd, 2020 7:54pm
There is no such thing as "good enough". Someone who only sees your flaw is going to spot a flaw in you no matter how perfect of a version of yourself you become. Honestly, the perfection you are aiming at is in fact a facade you are willing to build around yourself for the sake of fitting into someone else's unrealistic standards. That is not who you are. You are beautiful and you deserved to be loved just the way you were carved. I'd say, show them your ugliest and most vulnerable self and have the courage to wait and see who stays...and trust you will be amazed to see how many admirers your original beautiful self had, who were just too carefully hidden in a crowd to be noticed. And once you accept yourself ,once you realize you are good enough for yourself, you'll be good enough for anybody.
eternalRose79
August 26th, 2020 9:54am
Its important that we look at who we are understand why we feel this way. We need to be able to really know ourselves first because we are our best and worst critics. Knowing what flaws we have and how we work on them is critical to showing love for yourself and others. Working on these defects will help us to feel more deserving of another. When we work on improving ourselves and our social skills we learn to be humble and considerate. Aproaching that someone and even being completely honest about how you feel either with them or to yourself shows your real character.
absorbantlistener
August 30th, 2020 3:41am
A) Self-reflect on: 1. Why do you think you are not good enough for someone? 2. Is it (the reason) a fact or your opinion? 3. What evidences do you have to say if it is a fact or opinion? 4. Do the evidences suggest otherwise? B) Ask the same questions with a person who knows you well C) Ask the 'someone' for whom you think you are not good enough D) Try to have an objective attitude while you self-reflect and listen to others as you ask these questions E) Based on your self-reflection and objective assessment of others saying, try to infer if you are good enough for someone
jacnotjac
October 2nd, 2020 6:24am
Cry. Ruminate on why you are not good enough. Give rationalizations as to why they don't want you. "Because they are human with needs and I don't meet them." Whatever humanization I can attribute to this pain so it makes it "manageable." Well, I wish I can do anything but I can't. Bear the pain of helplessness until you feel so numb then take the drug called hope. "Oh, if I do this then maybe." Then fall into a cycle of depressive thoughts sometimes the occasional suicide ideation. Talk to some random internet stranger to express your feelings because they can do a better job than a friend who knows your situation. And then you know about your friend's situation who probably miles better than you or not. Then get depressed. Think of the "You can't control what you can't control." Feel good about it then feel bad about it as well.
Anonymous
October 2nd, 2020 2:21pm
If you feel you are not good enough for someone you may want to take a step back and think about what exactly makes you think that, if you cantalk to that person about not feeling good enough this will help alot not only will you be helping yourself by further understanding that feeling. a benefit of this would be that whoever you dont fell good enough for will know that and such they will be able to understand what you are going through and may be able to help you more than if you just asked yourself the exact same thing.
Anonymous
October 24th, 2020 9:27am
I tell myself all the great things about myself. All the things I love about myself. I remind myself that there’s people who love me no matter what. Also, in times like these you need to give yourself the love you give others. Listen to your favorite music, perhaps take a bath, meditate. I also have a collection of kind words from my friends saved in my notes and when I feel down, I read them and my heart fills with warmth and love. It helps me. And last but not least, put on a song and DANCE AROUND YOUR ROOM. It releases so much serotonin.
beautifulFlower8404
October 29th, 2020 7:03pm
If I am in this situation I make sure I do self care. I eat right, get enough sleep and do thins I like. In addition, I write out positive Affirmations and read through them daily. Also I try to turn my negative thoughts about myself to positive every time I catch myself feeling negatively. It is hard to do this at first, but with practice it does get easier. I am still working at this myself, but if you are consistent with it and dont give up it hopefully will make a difference. The biggest thing to remember is these negative thoughts are ingrained and it will take time, effort and repetition to break the habit of thinking negatively.
DarkPiT23
November 14th, 2020 1:10pm
“We can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” ~Lori Deschene Sometimes I am really terrible to myself and relentlessly compare myself to other people, no matter how many times I read or hear about how good enough or lovable I am. On an almost daily basis, I meticulously look for evidence that I am a nobody, that I don’t deserve to be loved, or that I’m not living up to my full potential. There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. We feel as if there is something wrong with us if, for example, we’re still single by a certain age, don’t make a certain amount of income, don’t have a large social circle, or don’t look and act a certain way in the presence of others. The list could truly go on forever. Sometimes in the midst of all the pressure, I seem to totally forget all the wonderful, unique things about myself. I get stuck in my head and allow my inner critic to completely tear apart my self-esteem until I hate myself too much to do anything except eat ice cream, watch daytime television, and sleep. The other day, while I was beating myself up over something I can’t even recall at the moment, I read a comment from one of my blog readers telling me that one of my posts literally got them through the night. Literally. And if that one simple word was used in the intended context, this person was basically telling me that one of my posts saved their life. I get comments like these on a pretty regular basis, and they always open my eyes to just how much I matter, regardless of my inner critic’s vehement objections. Such comments also open my eyes to all the things we beat ourselves up over that don’t matter—like whether or not we look like a Victoria’s Secret model in our bathing suit, or whether or not we should stop smiling if we’re not whitening our teeth, or whether or not the hole in our lucky shirt is worth bursting into tears over. Lately I’ve been trying harder to catch myself when I feel a non-serving, self-depreciating thought coming on. And I may let these thoughts slip at times, but that’s okay because I’m only human. While my self-love journey is on-going, here are a few things I try to remember when I’m tempted to be mean to myself: 1. The people you compare yourself to compare themselves to other people too. We all compare ourselves to other people, and I can assure you that the people who seem to have it all do not. When you look at other people through a lens of compassion and understanding rather than judgment and jealousy, you are better able to see them for what they are—human beings. They are beautifully imperfect human beings going through the same universal challenges that we all go through. 2. Your mind can be a very convincing liar. I saw a quote once that said, “Don’t believe everything you think.” That quote completely altered the way I react when a cruel or discouraging thought goes through my mind. Thoughts are just thoughts, and it’s unhealthy and exhausting to give so much power to the negative ones. 3. There is more right with you than wrong with you. This powerful reminder is inspired by one of my favorite quotes from Jon Kabat-Zinn: “Until you stop breathing, there’s more right with you than wrong with you.” As someone who sometimes tends to zoom in on all my perceived flaws, it helps to remember that there are lots of things I like about myself too—like the fact that I’m alive and breathing and able to pave new paths whenever I choose. 4. You need love the most when you feel you deserve it the least. This was a recent epiphany of mine, although I’m sure it’s been said many times before. I find that it is most difficult to accept love and understanding from others when I’m in a state of anger, shame, anxiety, or depression. But adopting the above truth really shifted my perspective and made me realize that love is actually the greatest gift I can receive during such times. 5. You have to fully accept and make peace with the “now” before you can reach and feel satisfied with the “later.” One thing I’ve learned about making changes and reaching for the next rung on the ladder is that you cannot fully feel satisfied with where you’re going until you can accept, acknowledge, and appreciate where you are. Embrace and make peace with where you are, and your journey toward something new will feel much more peaceful, rewarding, and satisfying. 6. Focus on progress rather than perfection and on how far you’ve come rather than how far you have left to go. One of the biggest causes of self-loathing is the hell-bent need to “get it right.” We strive for perfection and success, and when we fall short, we feel less than and worthless. What we don’t seem to realize is that working toward our goals and being willing to put ourselves out there are accomplishments within themselves, regardless of how many times we fail. Instead of berating yourself for messing up and stumbling backward, give yourself a pat on the back for trying, making progress, and coming as far as you have. 7. You can’t hate your way into loving yourself. Telling yourself what a failure you are won’t make you any more successful. Telling yourself you’re not living up to your full potential won’t help you reach a higher potential. Telling yourself you’re worthless and unlovable won’t make you feel any more worthy or lovable. I know it sounds almost annoyingly simple, but the only way to achieve self-love is to love yourself—regardless of who you are and where you stand and even if you know you want to change. You are enough just as you are. And self-love will be a little bit easier every time you remind yourself of that.
Anonymous
November 25th, 2020 3:24pm
The moment you start to feel ou ain't good enough for someone kindly take a step back. It could be he or she doesn't like the way you dress or laugh, or cook. They feel your company isn't enough when you guys go out so they needs a plus 1. It could be they just don't see you fitting the real deal. Once someone shows you such signs and you feel you ain't doing better or good enough kindly step back from the relationship and reconsider or evaluate your decision to be with them. A person who loves and cares for you relationship or friendship will always ensure that even by you just being there for them and doing nothing you are enough. No matter how weird you may be you will be enough for the right person or real friend.
Jackisherenow
December 18th, 2020 5:12pm
You have to remind yourself that this is a negative thought and it simply isn't true. We all have negative thoughts from time to time and sometimes we have to be reminded that they are not grounded in reality. It's important to find an alternative positive means of thinking. Instead of focusing on how you don't feel good enough for someone, you focus on all the ways that you are the best for this person. If you keep letting negative thoughts into your mind then they will overwhelm your life and control how you live. It is best to focus on positivity and surround yourself with positive thoughts.
sallie04
January 24th, 2021 12:26am
I try to work out why I feel this way and then decide if it is me that's telling myself I'm not good enough or the other person. Most of the time it was me so I had to try and understand what made me feel this way and what did I need to do to stop feeling like this. In the cases where it was the other person's opinion that I was not good enough for them, I had to decide if I should keep them in my life or not which hasn't ever been easy. Sometimes just talking it through with the person helps.
blissart
January 25th, 2021 3:46am
Human being's social life is all about relationships, be it parents, partners, friends, neighbors, colleagues, children etc and for one thing, all relationships come with certain privileges and certain responsibilities and most of the relations we develop during life time are need based. So it happens that at times we can feel we are not good enough for someone. and this feeling comes out from the reactions of the other person where they can be direct in sharing this or giving hints in some other ways like lack of interest, less respect, cold treatment etc. One more point to check is that sometimes it can be our own creation, when we misunderstand or judge wrongly or simply expect too much from our own selves and it can hurt our self esteem, self worth and instill in us self doubt. Good news is that with conscious awareness along with self love, support of family members, therapy we can help us better. The best way is replacing negative self talk with positive self talk. When we feel not good enough for someone surely we were good enough for them at some time so finding the real reason is the first step. A clear communication is a key to healthy relationships. So finding the rt reason, making sure its not our false notion, talking out to someone close, an open communication with relation in concern, seeking therapy , accessing information can all help finding our self confidence and self worth back and feel more amazing, productive and contented. Maintaining a monthly relationship guide helps ,hearing our inner voice is that good time to reflect on our relations. At the end of the day , It helps to remember that we all are unique, amazing in our own ways and at times "to let go " is important . Good luck !
Kindstar45
February 16th, 2021 2:33pm
That has something to do with your self-concept and self-esteem. You need to point out the root cause for it and work toward it. For example, one root cause is the constant negative self-talk that you have. Whenever you have those negative thoughts, just write it down on a piece of paper,put a strike on it and write down a alternative, positive thought. That might work.
Anonymous
March 4th, 2021 9:39am
Realize that it’s you that matters. Feeling like you’re not worth it is a bad feeling and one you should never have to have. You are one of a kind and no one can take that from you. You are brave and outstanding. Realizing your worth is the main goal. Don’t let someone else determine your worth through your eyes. Whoever that someone is might think that they aren’t good enough for you. It’s all in what you believe about yourself. You probably already know your worth and your beauty, it’s just hiding from you. And it’s very easy to get that part out of hiding if you I’m just look a little longer in the mirror and know your worth
mvpeng
March 7th, 2021 4:28pm
It can be really tough to feel like you are not good enough for someone. This can come from many different sources including self-doubt and negative self-talk. Sometimes we are our own biggest inner critic, but we can gain greater self-confidence if we can improve our inner voice and practice self-love instead. Improving your communication with others including your parents, your partner, your children, or other family members can also help with these feelings. If you are open with the people around you, they can help you with your self-esteem and help shush that negative inner voice. It also can be helpful to avoid social media if you are struggling with these feelings, as these platforms can increase feelings of low self-worth. At the end of the day though, the best way to deal with these feelings is to take care of and be kind to yourself. 
followup
March 9th, 2021 1:38am
To feel you are not good enough for someone can provoke an overwhelming feeling of self-doubt, disappointment and loneliness. In your mind you are asking yourself "Where do I start with this?" or "How do I go by talking about this?." There can be reservations sharing what is in your heart with family, friends and a therapist but talking may be able to relieve you of those negative thoughts and feelings you have repressed in you. Its completely ok to share your vulnerabilities. Worried about your own anonymity? Please do not hesitate to communicate your thoughts and feelings with any listener on our site. There are also self-help guides (e.g. managing emotions, self-esteem) to refer to for further support and information. To realize your own self-worth, be kind to yourself and silence that inner critic. To be in a better place in a healthy relationship takes a willingness to work on your own self-confidence to help you realize the amazing qualities you possess as a person! At the end of the day we are all human beings none better than the other!
Anonymous
March 17th, 2021 9:08pm
We are all human, we are the same but also different in many ways. I encourage you to become independent and do your best in what you do or love to do, find happiness within yourself. When you focus on yourself, others will start to realize that they are not good enough for you. If they are miserable, they have no right to drag you down with them. I wish you to try your best in everything you do, find happiness, and the world would never be good enough for you.
gracefulWords4388
March 18th, 2021 2:19am
You're always good for everyone. Everyone is unique, if someone doesn't like you, there will be the one in the world to love you. Trust me! There will be someone to match with you. Always have confidence. If people see you with confidence, then, you will be liked. At the end of the day, if the person doesn't like you, nothing really happened. You can still be friends and go on. If you check deeply inside you, you will find the real you. You will literally learn to admire yourself. If you feel good about yourself, then others will feel good about you. So what you need to do: Get self confidence. Like yourself, love yourself.
helpfulBlanket727
March 18th, 2021 2:28pm
I think you should find your value and worth and know that you do matter and are very important to many people! I understand value and worth can be very difficult to find, but once you do find it, you'll know for sure that you are good enough for people to love you, although you should lover yourself first. Self-love is very important. You are the most important person in your life, so you should take care of yourself first. Know that you certainly do matter to people, you are human and deserve all the love in the world!
Anonymous
March 23rd, 2021 9:46am
Many things can cause us to feel like we are not good enough for another person. Self-esteem, social media, self-worth, self-doubt, negative self-talk, our inner critic, and other human beings can all influence this. Maybe you feel this way around a certain family member, a parent, a partner, children, friends, or any other person in your life. It's important to know your own worth, but I promise you that it's a high one. The good news is that there are many ways to overcome this feeling, lots of great things to do. Personally, I think the best way is to practice self-love, cultivate and maintain healthy relationships, grow your self-confidence, and remember you are an amazing person. One of the first steps towards those actions is remembering that that little voice that says you are not good enough, or that you need to be a better person, or even sometimes that there's no real reason to anything or your whole life, it's wrong. That voice is wrong. Some people may need therapy for this, it can provide more information, and more open communication, though that is up to what you feel is the right thing for you to do. At the end of the day, know that you are not alone in this, many people, including myself, have struggled with this same thing. It's ok not to be ok sometimes, we cannot expect life will always be a good time, but you have people willing, ready, and wanting to help and support you. I wish you all good luck and feel free to message me whenever to talk. You're all amazing *offers hugs if wanted*
Clarisse29
March 24th, 2021 2:56pm
Feeling not good enough for someone is an absolutely normal and common thing. As human beings one of our primary psychological needs is the need for a healthy amount of self-esteem in order to be fully functional and self-actualized about our potentials. Almost all people spend their whole life in an environment which conditions them to base their self-worth on others’ opinion of them, to do the right thing in order to gain the approval of people like their parents, family members and partner. However, what is learnt can be unlearned through altered behavioral practices and the best way to do so is to get the required help via therapy and other means which assist us in reducing our self-doubt. They help us in dealing with the real reason for our low self-esteem, that is, our inner critic, that prods at us whenever we are about to do something or are done doing it, and negative self talk, which only adds on to the feelings of worthlessness. In this age of social media and information, the content we expose ourselves to matters profoundly as well. Consuming good news and positive information exponentially helps us in elevating our moods, self-confidence and optimism. At the end of the day, we must remember that self-confidence resides where self-love does and the first step to loving ourselves is consciously acknowledging our current state and making the active choice to improve it. Through proper communication of our needs and listening to others, there is no doubt that we will come off as an amazing person to our peers. We progress on our way to be a better person by being disciplined yet gentle toward ourselves, establishing healthy relationships with others and setting proper boundaries.
fruityAngel1891
March 31st, 2021 6:14pm
On the inside, I can really hear that you feel you are not on the same level or up to the same standards as someone or feel unworthy of someone. It's easy to tell someone in your situation to trust the other person but this difficulty to trust or confide in others can be due to betrayal in a past relationship through neglect and abuse. It can seem difficult especially when you have low self-esteem. But being a friend or a significant other is something others appreciate and want. Try to look inside yourself to see where these feelings come from, did someone say something to you in the past that made you feel this way? If they did and you still talk to them, communicate what their words made you feel to them. I can understand you may worry about what will be said to you if you ask them. This is a choice for you to make. Are there sometimes things you wish others would tell you? Are there things others would wish you tell them? If you're trying to be friends with someone else, know that your past doesn't define you and you can be good enough for someone today, just be your best self and that's more than good enough! You are welcome to reach out to one of our listeners for further support. Thank you for your question!
Anonymous
April 7th, 2021 3:42am
As human beings, it is natural to struggle with self-doubt and negative self-talk. When we feel that we are not good enough for others, it is often the voice of our own inner critic that is actually making us question our self-worth and which is undermining our self-confidence. By comparing ourselves with others—which we often do through communication and the exchange of information on social media—these hurtful internal voices can become louder and more frequent, reducing our self-esteem in the process. The good news is that at the end of the day, no matter what anyone tells you, you’re an amazing person who deserves nothing but self-love and compassion. The first step is to recognise that there are real reasons for your existence on this planet: you are worthy in the fact that you are here. You can be the better person who does the right things. You can be the person who is already inside of you and has been their your whole life even if you haven’t noticed them right in front of your eyes. One of the best ways to develop a healthy relationship with yourself might include going to therapy. In good time, it might help you to see the the great things you are capable of doing. If you have close relationships with your parents, children, family members or any other loved ones like your partner; they’ll remind you that you are enough when you are uncertain about this. Good luck on your journey friend! Be kind to yourself. I believe in you. Just take it one day at time.