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Why can't I get over him when I've pretty much erased him from my life?

19 Answers
Last Updated: 07/03/2018 at 1:31pm
1 Tip to Feel Better
United Kingdom
Moderated by

Halayma Khatun, M.A Theology(U.K, UAE), Diploma With Distinction in Counseling, Certification trauma abandonment


Compassionate, patient, experienced depression counselor. I use Psychodynamic counseling techniques. My counseling experience is +8 years, I counsel women.

Top Rated Answers
June 7th, 2015 6:20pm
The only perspective I can offer is one that relies upon the neurobiology of love/romance. Love is as much a biological drive as thirst and hunger. Humans are mammals, and mammals are vulnerable to the elements and predators, so they need the protection and resources associated with social groups. Subsequently, we are wired to experience social isolation as psychologically and emotionally painful, which motivates us to pursue relationships. As well, infants and children are dependent on their caretakers much longer than other animals; children are more likely to survive if both parents are present to provide protection and resources. So, when two people enter a romantic partnership, their neurophysiologies create a powerful state of desire for one another. Their dopamine levels rise, which results in a subjective state of "need" or "craving" (when dopamine levels rise, physical energy and cognitive focus increase, and this helps an organism to pursue whatever it needs at the time, whether it is food, water, sex, chocolate, love, etc.). As well, new relationships are marked by a decrease in serotonin levels, which is thought to be associated with the obsessive thoughts about the loved one. Low serotonin is also found in disorders such as OCD and depression, so this high dopamine and low serotonin characterize the euphoric misery of a new relationship, where you need less food and sleep, and where all of your energy seems to orient toward the love object. These processes can last as much as two years before things return to normal - long enough for a pregnancy and for a baby to live its first year of life, the time period when the child is at most risk of death. The neurobiology of mammals, including humans, motivates partners to stay together to ensure procreation and survival of children - whether or not the relationship is healthy or whether a child is born from the union. Essentially, your mind and body come to need the other person as it needs water and food. While the emotional instability of new relationships will eventually subside, you will continue to need that person because your neurophysiology has adapted to that person’s presence in your life; they literally become a part of you, reflected in the re-wiring of neural pathways associated with self and body perception, emotions, and memories. If the relationship ends, your body responds by increasing your desire for that person, referred to as the "protest phase" of break-ups. Your dopamine rises and your serotonin falls to levels more extreme than when the relationship first began. This is why you keep thinking about the person, why shared places (a restaurant you ate at, or a store you shopped at) bring a rush of emotions and memories, and why your body aches to be reunited with that person, even if the relationship was unsatisfying. These experiences are even stronger if you were the one who was left behind or “dumped”. This is also why you simply cannot “erase” a romantic relationship from your life. You can get rid of all physical reminders, but your mind and body will still crave that person as it craves oxygen. Unlearning your need for your ex takes time because it takes time for neurophysiology to change. This is why it is so important to be discerning when choosing a romantic partner. For better or worse, that person will change you.
September 22nd, 2015 6:42pm
Emotions are powerful influences on our lives, try not to set yourself any timescale to get over someone, when you are ready your mind and body will do all the hard work for you and the emotion will pass into history.
May 2nd, 2015 6:18pm
I think love is like a chemical in your brain. Just like you can get a bit addicted to a substance (e.g. caffeine!) you can also get somewhat addicted to love/attachment chemicals. So there's a withdrawal period. Apparently it can take around 90 days for your brain chemistry to go back to normal after quitting a substance. It takes a while to heal from love as well. Here's the thing: Your brain doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination. So, if you've broken up with a guy/girl, but then you spend some of your time wishing and hoping and remembering - you're still feeding yourself that love drug. So then you need to start over again from Day 1, and wait another 90 days for your brain chemistry to completely go back to normal. My (possibly hare-brained!) theory of break ups.
September 7th, 2015 12:50pm
Totally wiping out an ex's existence is almost impossible. From the time you've spent together, the memories will continuously haunt you from time to time. Humans are undeniably sentimental and emotional creatures, therefore it will take some time for a feeling to gradually diminish. Time heals the deepest wounds, we just have to stay strong and keep on our feet.
February 1st, 2015 3:56pm
It's tempting to think that we've been able to erase bad memories from our past but often they leave a mark. In my life, the best way to let go has been to accept. Someone who has had an emotional impact on you is unlikely ever to be "erased" from your life. A good way to go about getting over him is to accept that you have history, and find him a new place in your life, set your own boundaries. That way, he is only ever to you, what you want him to be. :)
April 25th, 2017 3:50pm
Some heartbreak just hurts worse than others. Give yourself time. You'll get there. Try to be open to new experiences, and try some new things. I've found it helps it feel like there's even more distance between me and the "trauma".
February 15th, 2015 1:34am
Everything takes time, keep yourself occupied with other things. Be busy, do some homework, do some hobbies. You'll get over him when the time is ready
December 15th, 2015 4:52pm
Routine is a hard thing to break so it's going to be very uncomfortable rearranging it. Time heals all though, so give it time to become comfortable because it eventually will.
March 29th, 2016 10:49am
You can't ever just forget someone. But you can simply choose to ignore them. And probably concentrate on yourself.
May 16th, 2016 6:07am
If the him you are referring too means a lot to u then it will definitely be hard for you to get over him. The idea is for you to let go of the idea of being with him and know where u stand now. Think of how to move forward from the now instead..
January 2nd, 2018 4:42am
You love him, it’s hard to forgive and forget about people. Even when you block them out for good. Time will heal.
July 3rd, 2018 1:31pm
He may be your first love and you both may have had some amazing moments together, once in a life-time moments that only you both have enjoyed the most and such moments that can't be replicated. You are reminded of those moments whenever something even remotely close to them happens.
April 11th, 2015 1:41pm
he made me feel strong , he made me feel weak , he made me feel loved. He was the boy of our dreams.
April 26th, 2015 10:53am
You erased him from your reality but not from your mind. To get over him, you should hang out with your friends or buddy a lot. You can eventually forgot about him.
August 25th, 2015 1:09am
Separation takes time to adjust. The mind has a difficult time not thinking about people we have had close in our lives.
October 26th, 2015 7:34pm
that is because you just erased from the mind and not from the heart.. just give yourself some time to deal with the situation and everything will be fine if you decide with your heart.
December 29th, 2015 3:58am
Maybe this person has great value to your life which left a mark/imprint on your life and this will be hard but eventually you will get over it
May 17th, 2016 9:39pm
When we talk with or hangout with someone for a long time we somehow get used to that person to such an exteng that throwing them out of our lives become a challenge !
April 18th, 2017 7:12am
There might be love still there and that's okay. That person has made you a better person and thanks to him you are who you are. Take it one day at a time, distract yourself with a good book or art perhaps.