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Why do I always blame myself for the breakup?

133 Answers
Last Updated: 12/30/2020 at 12:34am
Why do I always blame myself for the breakup?
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Dorothy Paige, MS Psychology

Licensed Professional Counselor

I believe that any issue that prevents one from living life to the fullest or prevents self love is defeating. I am committed to providing support to anyone who seeks help.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
July 5th, 2020 8:27am
Maybe it's because sometimes when we don't understand what went wrong or how it happened..we tend to find faults in ourselves. But not necessarily this maybe the case. You must be blaming yourself because the relationship is always made up of two people being together. Whatever happens, happens because of you two or the circumstances around. When breakups happens, we obviously tend to look what went wrong. The answer which satisfies us the most or feel comfortable for us believing in most, we tend to accept that. Regardless of, it's true or not. When we put in efforts and it fails, we tend to look at our mistakes and correct it first rather than others. It's normal to feel that way. I totally can feel you. But sometimes something's are just not in our control, and the sooner we accept that, we'll stop blaming for ourselves for everything.
creativeMist74
July 12th, 2020 3:32am
it is something that everyone does eventually after a breakup. you may be thinking of ways you could have done something different or ways that you could have fixed it. in the end it is no ones fault. if you cheated that may be a different story but overall you should not blame yourself. it is a big burden to carry and unnecessary as well by the way. you are a strong person and sooner or later you will realize it was not your fault and you will be happy again. remember your self worth and live life to the fullest.
ces101
July 26th, 2020 1:55am
Sometimes being in-love with someone turns us to be happy and inspired everyday. Being in-love is not always end up like a fairy tale that requires a happy ending story, because the saddiest part in life is saying goodbye to someone you wish to spend your lifetime with. Yes, you have to cry and it feels like you have to give up your everything but remember time heals. Blaming yourself for break up with someone you love is a part of process to move on especially when you are being so deeply in-love with that person, there's nothing wrong when you cry time to time, tears are words the heart can't express. Then, One day that tears turns smile that you deserve. So stop blaming your self for breaking up with someone, because if he values you, he wouldn't put himself in a position to lose you.
RachelAngeli
July 29th, 2020 6:30pm
We tend to overcriticize ourselves more than we do anyone else. Sometimes it's harder to see things from any other perspective than our own so outside factors and the other person's point of view don't seem to bear any of the blame. As long as you remember that thought is just working against you and is not necessarily true, you will get through it and emerge stronger than you had been. It might not be easy, but coming to 7cups is always a great first step because there will always be people here willing to listen to and support you.
CompassionateDreamer8522
August 20th, 2020 12:56pm
Breakups are hard for everyone. Unfortunately, many breakups involve not getting enough closure. Many times, there just isn't closure at all - leaving us to blame ourselves. It's hard to "let go" without trying to find something or someone to blame. But blame doesn't help us in the long term. Blame holds us back, makes us feel bad about ourselves, and impairs our forward movement - potentially sabotaging and bringing baggage into a future relationship. It's more important to take what we can, examine it from an outside standpoint, and learn from it. Take what we've learned, and move forward.
caffeinatedcatio
August 26th, 2020 7:34am
When a relationship ends on a bad note, it's really hard to move on. It's hard to accept the fact that something like this happened, and naturally, when your brain can't explain the situation by pointing out to external factors, it internalises the belief that what caused the stress to happen (in this case, the breakup), is you. People tend to think that their significant other is/was better than them when they want to salvage a relationship and let their brains be fueled by all these baseless 'what if's in order to grab at the remnants of what may have been. But even if it's natural, doesn't necessarily mean it's right. I suggest you really take a step back and reevaluate your thinking process, and not think in-the-moment things and 'what if's.
victoryhavealittlefaith5555
September 3rd, 2020 9:24pm
It is something wrong with me? What is wrong? Even if someone else is not a pleasant person we will find a reason to blame ourselves and somehow get to that question: "What is wrong with ME?" But if we move our thoughts little further we will see that most of the time we can find a blame and the break ups are there for a reason. If two people are not compatible, not dedicated to the relationship and sometimes just two different personalities can not share the relationship, why we should go to the blame point at all? Things happen for a reason. If we oversee our behavior and we are honest and kind and also respect our own emotions we should not utilize an action of blaming . Move on and hope for a better future. Learn in a process and do not forget the important lessons...
Anonymous
September 23rd, 2020 5:13pm
Sometimes in the aftermath of a breakup, we experience a lot of self-doubt, especially if there is low self-esteem to begin with. If we are prone to believing hurtful things people say about us, if we are regretful of how we've acted in difficult times, or if we are angry with ourselves for the outcome of the relationship, we are at a higher risk of self-blame. It can be important to recognize though, that in the aftermath of a breakup, the events as they transpired might be better analyzed through the lens of a "learning experience" rather than the lens of "assigning the blame". This allows the people involved to accept what has happened and move on from a more prepared place.
Anonymous
October 14th, 2020 3:19pm
It depends from person to person. Some people do not bear the burden of guilt at all when they break up with someone, and usually it is okay, in fact, more than okay, it is brilliant if they do not feel the stress and guiilt associated with the break-up, especially if the relationship was toxic, or they had no ostensible fault. But if you blame yourself for the break-up, especially if you spearheaded it, it is relatable. It usually indicates that somewhere in your mind, you're not over that person, and you're a sensitive soul who does not want to cause any hurt to the other person. But, eventually, you have to understand, that some people are not worth your time, or a spot in your consciousness. Very few are.
Anonymous
October 31st, 2020 5:11am
The first step is to accept your humanness -- neediness and insecurity are part of the human condition - and part of heartbreak. To reverse the self damage, actively engage in radical self acceptance -- accept yourself unconditionally, warts and all. Don't expect to be perfect. Perfectionism sets you up for self-disappointment -- an insidious form of self abandonment. One should stop looking to other people, including your ex, to validate your worth. You must do that yourself, especially at this painful time of heartbreak when the person you seek validation from has disposed of you. No one is responsible to make you secure, but YOU.
Rice7722
December 2nd, 2020 4:33pm
You blame yourself because you can't seem to find anything else that may have caused your breakup. However, there is absolutely no way that your breakup is in any way your fault unless you know for a fact that you did something wrong (i.e., cheating). Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody's perfect. Not you, not me, not your ex, not anybody. Don't blame yourself, but you also don't blame them. There's hardly any relationships out there that work out for everyone involved, and there's always someone else out there for you. That, of course, doesn't mean you have to move on right away, but it's still something to think about and consider for the future.
TGTristan
December 3rd, 2020 11:27pm
It can be tough not to blame yourself for a break-up and as long as you haven't done something terrible (i.e. cheated on your significant other), oftentimes it may be a mutual understanding. The thing with relationships is that it can be very tough to know exactly what''s going on in the other person's mind. You may oftentimes think that something you do is completely alright with the other person but in reality, it can cause turmoil. Usually, no one's at fault in a breakup and it's just a combination of losing interest in each other and wanting something else. That being said you can learn what worked and what didn't work and learn from that for the next relationship to hopefully improve the strength of it.
Anonymous
December 30th, 2020 12:34am
Usually when someone manilipates you or gaslights you, it can often feel like everything is your fault when it's really not. Sometimes you have such a great image on the other person so you never think that they did something wrong. There is a easy way to fix this, think about you telling a friend, or someone else about the situation. Would the other person say that it is your fault or the other person's fault. Blaming yourself is something that is very easy to do but I do not suggest it. And if you ever know that you caused a problem, I suggest you to learn and grow from it. life is all about taking experiences and either growing or learning from them. Thank you and ask any other additional questions here at 7 cups