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Why do I always blame myself for the breakup?

150 Answers
Last Updated: 12/03/2021 at 8:18pm
Why do I always blame myself for the breakup?
1 Tip to Feel Better
United States
Moderated by

Andrea Tuck, LCPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

I tackle and discuss a multitude of social and emotional health issues. I have a belief that through empowerment and non-judgmental support clients' can thrive.

Top Rated Answers
Anonymous
July 5th, 2020 8:27am
Maybe it's because sometimes when we don't understand what went wrong or how it happened..we tend to find faults in ourselves. But not necessarily this maybe the case. You must be blaming yourself because the relationship is always made up of two people being together. Whatever happens, happens because of you two or the circumstances around. When breakups happens, we obviously tend to look what went wrong. The answer which satisfies us the most or feel comfortable for us believing in most, we tend to accept that. Regardless of, it's true or not. When we put in efforts and it fails, we tend to look at our mistakes and correct it first rather than others. It's normal to feel that way. I totally can feel you. But sometimes something's are just not in our control, and the sooner we accept that, we'll stop blaming for ourselves for everything.
creativeMist74
July 12th, 2020 3:32am
it is something that everyone does eventually after a breakup. you may be thinking of ways you could have done something different or ways that you could have fixed it. in the end it is no ones fault. if you cheated that may be a different story but overall you should not blame yourself. it is a big burden to carry and unnecessary as well by the way. you are a strong person and sooner or later you will realize it was not your fault and you will be happy again. remember your self worth and live life to the fullest.
ces101
July 26th, 2020 1:55am
Sometimes being in-love with someone turns us to be happy and inspired everyday. Being in-love is not always end up like a fairy tale that requires a happy ending story, because the saddiest part in life is saying goodbye to someone you wish to spend your lifetime with. Yes, you have to cry and it feels like you have to give up your everything but remember time heals. Blaming yourself for break up with someone you love is a part of process to move on especially when you are being so deeply in-love with that person, there's nothing wrong when you cry time to time, tears are words the heart can't express. Then, One day that tears turns smile that you deserve. So stop blaming your self for breaking up with someone, because if he values you, he wouldn't put himself in a position to lose you.
RachelAngeli
July 29th, 2020 6:30pm
We tend to overcriticize ourselves more than we do anyone else. Sometimes it's harder to see things from any other perspective than our own so outside factors and the other person's point of view don't seem to bear any of the blame. As long as you remember that thought is just working against you and is not necessarily true, you will get through it and emerge stronger than you had been. It might not be easy, but coming to 7cups is always a great first step because there will always be people here willing to listen to and support you.
CompassionateDreamer8522
August 20th, 2020 12:56pm
Breakups are hard for everyone. Unfortunately, many breakups involve not getting enough closure. Many times, there just isn't closure at all - leaving us to blame ourselves. It's hard to "let go" without trying to find something or someone to blame. But blame doesn't help us in the long term. Blame holds us back, makes us feel bad about ourselves, and impairs our forward movement - potentially sabotaging and bringing baggage into a future relationship. It's more important to take what we can, examine it from an outside standpoint, and learn from it. Take what we've learned, and move forward.
caffeinatedcatio
August 26th, 2020 7:34am
When a relationship ends on a bad note, it's really hard to move on. It's hard to accept the fact that something like this happened, and naturally, when your brain can't explain the situation by pointing out to external factors, it internalises the belief that what caused the stress to happen (in this case, the breakup), is you. People tend to think that their significant other is/was better than them when they want to salvage a relationship and let their brains be fueled by all these baseless 'what if's in order to grab at the remnants of what may have been. But even if it's natural, doesn't necessarily mean it's right. I suggest you really take a step back and reevaluate your thinking process, and not think in-the-moment things and 'what if's.
victoryhavealittlefaith5555
September 3rd, 2020 9:24pm
It is something wrong with me? What is wrong? Even if someone else is not a pleasant person we will find a reason to blame ourselves and somehow get to that question: "What is wrong with ME?" But if we move our thoughts little further we will see that most of the time we can find a blame and the break ups are there for a reason. If two people are not compatible, not dedicated to the relationship and sometimes just two different personalities can not share the relationship, why we should go to the blame point at all? Things happen for a reason. If we oversee our behavior and we are honest and kind and also respect our own emotions we should not utilize an action of blaming . Move on and hope for a better future. Learn in a process and do not forget the important lessons...
Anonymous
September 23rd, 2020 5:13pm
Sometimes in the aftermath of a breakup, we experience a lot of self-doubt, especially if there is low self-esteem to begin with. If we are prone to believing hurtful things people say about us, if we are regretful of how we've acted in difficult times, or if we are angry with ourselves for the outcome of the relationship, we are at a higher risk of self-blame. It can be important to recognize though, that in the aftermath of a breakup, the events as they transpired might be better analyzed through the lens of a "learning experience" rather than the lens of "assigning the blame". This allows the people involved to accept what has happened and move on from a more prepared place.
Anonymous
October 14th, 2020 3:19pm
It depends from person to person. Some people do not bear the burden of guilt at all when they break up with someone, and usually it is okay, in fact, more than okay, it is brilliant if they do not feel the stress and guiilt associated with the break-up, especially if the relationship was toxic, or they had no ostensible fault. But if you blame yourself for the break-up, especially if you spearheaded it, it is relatable. It usually indicates that somewhere in your mind, you're not over that person, and you're a sensitive soul who does not want to cause any hurt to the other person. But, eventually, you have to understand, that some people are not worth your time, or a spot in your consciousness. Very few are.
Anonymous
October 31st, 2020 5:11am
The first step is to accept your humanness -- neediness and insecurity are part of the human condition - and part of heartbreak. To reverse the self damage, actively engage in radical self acceptance -- accept yourself unconditionally, warts and all. Don't expect to be perfect. Perfectionism sets you up for self-disappointment -- an insidious form of self abandonment. One should stop looking to other people, including your ex, to validate your worth. You must do that yourself, especially at this painful time of heartbreak when the person you seek validation from has disposed of you. No one is responsible to make you secure, but YOU.
Rice7722
December 2nd, 2020 4:33pm
You blame yourself because you can't seem to find anything else that may have caused your breakup. However, there is absolutely no way that your breakup is in any way your fault unless you know for a fact that you did something wrong (i.e., cheating). Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody's perfect. Not you, not me, not your ex, not anybody. Don't blame yourself, but you also don't blame them. There's hardly any relationships out there that work out for everyone involved, and there's always someone else out there for you. That, of course, doesn't mean you have to move on right away, but it's still something to think about and consider for the future.
TGTristan
December 3rd, 2020 11:27pm
It can be tough not to blame yourself for a break-up and as long as you haven't done something terrible (i.e. cheated on your significant other), oftentimes it may be a mutual understanding. The thing with relationships is that it can be very tough to know exactly what''s going on in the other person's mind. You may oftentimes think that something you do is completely alright with the other person but in reality, it can cause turmoil. Usually, no one's at fault in a breakup and it's just a combination of losing interest in each other and wanting something else. That being said you can learn what worked and what didn't work and learn from that for the next relationship to hopefully improve the strength of it.
sallysalad1233
December 30th, 2020 12:34am
Usually when someone manilipates you or gaslights you, it can often feel like everything is your fault when it's really not. Sometimes you have such a great image on the other person so you never think that they did something wrong. There is a easy way to fix this, think about you telling a friend, or someone else about the situation. Would the other person say that it is your fault or the other person's fault. Blaming yourself is something that is very easy to do but I do not suggest it. And if you ever know that you caused a problem, I suggest you to learn and grow from it. life is all about taking experiences and either growing or learning from them. Thank you and ask any other additional questions here at 7 cups
LiftYourHead
January 24th, 2021 6:40am
First: Don't play the blame game on yourself, you may think the relationship ended because you did something wrong but it is normally a combo of both of your guys' mistakes. Just remember that everyone makes mistakes and every choice makes a consequence, good or bad. Second: Don't think about what happened too much, it will cause bad mental thoughts later. I suggest just finding something to do that will clear your head. If you can't, just think of the happy moments with your special other and think about how your next lover will be just as good/better. Once you think of all the good, then slowly think about what you can do better so you can adjust and go into your next relationship even stronger.
SwimmingWaves37
February 17th, 2021 2:57am
You blame yourself for a breakup because when it initially happens, you feel hurt and usually didn't want the relationship to end. You then search for ways to get back with your significant other and end up blaming yourself for not finding that way and then think it's your fault that you are no longer together. This is usually what happens when a good thing disappears or go bad. You get sad for a while and think about all the good you had and how it just ended. All this thinking leads to thoughts of whose fault it was that the breakup happened. Then you put the blame on yourself because you care about the other person too much to blame it on them.
Kapil110
February 28th, 2021 7:46am
Self-blame is a big loop in which we force ourselves to find a reason to blame ourselves. This loop grows way back to one's childhood where one's experiences has built up over many many incidents in which one finds himself/herself responsible for things happening. For eg. if parents will be having fight over me for not taking good care me, they will fight blaming each other but this fight which happens more frequently will code my brain in thinking that I am the one responsible for the fights of Mom Dad. And this will become my integral thinking pattern over all the other things that will happen in my life. It is true we are responsible for things that happens to us. But when we have this damaged trait of self blaming ourselves we just forget about everyone else actions that has lead to this outcome and think this has happened because of my actions. We see what we want to see. See yourself breaking this loop and finding a way to be really kind to yourself.
Anonymous
April 9th, 2021 5:02am
It's easy to blame yourself when things go wrong, whether it's in a relationship, at a job, at school. The examples could go on and on. You're the only person you have to see from the time you wake up in the morning until you go to bed. That makes it extremely easy to look in the mirror and say "Wow, this was my fault." You see all of your own actions and know why you did what you did. The same can't be said for your partner. So, it's easier to fixate on what you do know than to make assumptions about what you don't. None of this means it was your fault, and in reality, most breakups are mutual.
Steel
April 11th, 2021 9:59am
Sometimes, a way we find to cope with a breakup is to blame ourselves into thinking things could have gone differently. Think about it as you thinking how YOU could have made a difference, or act in a different way to avoid or prevent the problems you encountered along the way. We perhaps blame ourselves because we are the only ones capables of acting one way or the other. We Can see clearly if our actions would have been different how things would have been better, Hindsight. If you tend to think about your past actions you will surely encounter that you could have done things that you didnt do. The thing is, speaking rationally, you cannot help what you did or didnt do in the past. Your only option is to learn from what happened to be able to think critically in the future about this same situations in the case they happen again. Is understandable that you can hold yourself accountable from what you did, so it becomes a "clear" path of thinking, a simple way to think, "things went wrong because i did this thing wrong" When in reality relationships are complicated, and most likely you two were not meant for eachother for a multitude of reasons. you didnt get along well enough and that was it. You blame yourself because is a simple enough explanation for why things didnt work out, Low self-confidence will get you there usually. Reality is usually much more complicated than the simple answers ourselves like so much.
Anonymous
April 15th, 2021 4:04pm
I think it’s easy for people to blame themselves because they care too much. They spend their days trying to move on and then a simple trigger can bring back good memories and then the process starts all over again. I feel as though the people who blame themselves are spending their whole days trying to move on and grieving while their ex partner is going on with their life and not letting it effect them, they have already moved on. The hardest part of grieving after a break up is the memories, because there are so many triggers that we didn’t realize were there, they are in are everyday life and then that’s when we think, ‘If I would have done this, I still would be with them’. But we need to think, is our ex partner beating themselves up too?
Aledge98
April 21st, 2021 8:41am
Based on my personal experience I blamed myself for everything but looking back sometimes things separate so better things come forward. I think you may be blaming yourself for the breakup because you love that person. It can be really difficult to process a breakup so I can completely sympathise with these thoughts. Self blame can be really hard in general. Along with negative automatic thoughts. Negative automatic thoughts (nats) are what everyone experiences. We have a thought, which turns into an action and behaviour. We can break these nats by when having a negative thought replacing it with a positive one and accepting the thought. This is what I was told I truly believe it can help. Its a CBT technique.
novebility
April 22nd, 2021 5:13am
It's normal for us to always blame ourselves for mistakes that were made. This is a completely reasonable reaction to a breakup, and I'd bet that your partner might feel the same way. It's always hard to let go of someone who used to be so important in your life. The important part is that you are able to grow and accept what happened. Eventually, things will get better. It may not seem like that right now, but there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel. You can always talk to family and friends who are able to hear you out and might understand how you feel.
TheDarkSwan
May 9th, 2021 6:40am
It is a hard question to answer because everyone and every relationship are different. Some feel that their insecurity is what drove their partner away, and end up blaming themselves for those feelings. But, self- blame is hard to stop doing. When every thought racing through your mind screams at you and identifies you as the cause of your breakup it is hard to take a step back and think deeper from a different perspective. Taking that step back allows you to view your relationship and the breakup in a different lens, one with less bias and hate directed towards yourself. It is a challenging feat to accomplish but I have no doubt in my mind that with a little support, anyone can do it.
Anonymous
June 2nd, 2021 4:18pm
My brain tends to ruminate on the mistakes I made instead of focusing on the relationship as a whole. In a lot of situations it takes two people to make or break a relationship. In those situations, both people have the responsibility for the outcome. I tend to reflect on all of the negative ways I contributed, instead of thinking of all of the positive ways I contributed. And I tend to take all of the responsibility for what went wrong. I react instead of responding to the situation. I don't take the time to pause and truly reflect on what happened. I don't look at things through a truly neutral lens.
Anonymous
June 17th, 2021 8:55pm
One of the reasons why we always find ourselves blaming ourselves for all the bad things in life is because when we blame ourselves, it means that we are the ones who caused the bad thing to happen in our life thus making us feel like we are in control of our life. We all want to feel like we can control things. But we cannot. Good things happen to us. Similarly bad things also happens to us. Not all of the things in our life will go according to what plan we have in our life. Thus we need to be able to move forward accepting what happened.
Anonymous
July 28th, 2021 6:32pm
It could be that you lack confidence in yourself. This can be helped by good and positive company who will encourage you and have your back. Sometimes, taking a step back from the situation and evaluating it from another persons eye can also help you realize the reality of the situation. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Another person who listens to you is a great way to get an outsider’s insight. A lot of times we get so stuck up on ourselves, we don’t see the bigger picture so there may have been many times in which you were not to be blamed but yet, were.
Anonymous
August 25th, 2021 4:10am
breakups can be extremely tough and i’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through that. sometimes we tend to blame ourselves for the breakup because we feel that we could have done things differently and we feel regret for something that was said or done during the relationship. Additionally, you may be picking out mistakes that you feel you made in the relationship even if they were minor. I feel that one of the main reasons we blame ourselves for a breakup is because we want a reason so that we can have closure on the situation. sometimes being left suddenly and/ or without reason causes our mind wonder what caused a certain thing to happen and you feel guilt for it and begin to blame yourself. i’m so extremely sorry to hear about your breakup and i hope things improve and please know i’m always here to chat!
AdiJ
October 6th, 2021 6:05am
The prominent generations and generations to follow are going to statistically increase in self conscience and awareness.. this is directly tied up with lower self esteem/insecurity and self confidence. When we like and then eventually date someone, we tend to create ideologies of them in our minds.. matching them with characteristics we want a partner to inhibit.. because of this natural phenomena, the person is idolized in our lives so much that its inconsiderable to blame them for breaking up with you.. this however is negotiable.. blaming yourself for every breakup is not good for your mental health and you should try talking to friends about it. We know the most about ourselves: the most realest, grueling forms of ourselves and parts of what make up our personalities. As people we tend to point out several deficiencies in ourselves versus to what we see on social media or what society sets as the ideal standard for vast spectrums of topics. Its always easier to blame it on oneself than a person you put to such high regard.
Anonymous
November 18th, 2021 4:36am
Because you feel like the relationship ended because of you. However, you need to come into terms with yourself and what happened in that relationship. if your significant other left because of something he or she disliked or they just felt like it wasn't working, just know that you will always be enough. Always remind yourself of your self worth and look forward in life. Do not look back! You are very important and you will get through this. You just need to approach this with ten toes down and remember that you are enough and you are loved by your friends and family!
Anonymous
November 30th, 2021 7:49pm
You might feel like the responsibility for the healthiness and stability of your relationship lies solely on you or you are prone to blaming yourself for situations, regardless of whether it was or wasn't your fault. It's best to realize that relationships are a two way street and that people break up for multiple reasons. If you find that you are blaming yourself often after breakups, it's a good thing to self reflect and work on yourself. Breakups aren't your fault, sometimes you might not be compatible, sometimes it just wasn't the right time. Just ensure that you need to protect your mental health and understand that it isn't a wrong thing to prioritize and love yourself before somebody else.
Anonymous
December 3rd, 2021 8:18pm
It is easy to feel like we are the problems that ended the relationship. In some ways i think we do this because we need that sense of closure. Not knowing what went wrong is maybe of the the most anxiety inducing feelings, and blaming ourselves can be a way for us to cope. We blame ourselves because it can provide a false sense of closure. Either that, or the partner is manipulating me into feeling like that was my fault. Either way, it is not fair to solely blame one person, seeing as there are 2 sides in every coin